Advice..
Im Clean Today
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Lowell, IN
Posts: 195
Advice..
Hello I am an Addict coming on 30 days clean. My wife has put up with me as an addict for 5 years now. But she does not understand what I am going through as well as I do not know what she went through all these years. Would it benefit us both to go to Alanon or Naranon? I really want to save my marriage with my kids (hence being clean) But she wants to know what addiction is all about and I cannot really explain it the way she wants me to.
Thanks for any input
Lug
Thanks for any input
Lug
Ending the Old Me.
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Under a Rock
Posts: 377
Suggest she read some of the threads here.
"Look honey, I found this information on addiction." No reason she even needs to know your here unless you already told her.
And it certainly wouldn't hurt for her to sit in on an NA or AA meeting.
Congratulations on 30 days - not an easy task, Good Job!
"Look honey, I found this information on addiction." No reason she even needs to know your here unless you already told her.
And it certainly wouldn't hurt for her to sit in on an NA or AA meeting.
Congratulations on 30 days - not an easy task, Good Job!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
I think alanon or naranon would be great for both of you, and you should consider taking her to an open NA meeting. There are also some good books she could read, but IMHO there is nothing like a good meeting.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Hi Lugnut,
The best thing your wife could do would be to learn more about herself in this process. I suspect this has been all about you up until this point, and its easy to get SO caught up in your recovery, that we lose ourselves more in the process.
A good book "Codependant No More" helped me to understand why I dwell so much on others rather than myself, and meetings are never a bad idea.
Congratulations on your 30 days!
(((Hugs)))
The best thing your wife could do would be to learn more about herself in this process. I suspect this has been all about you up until this point, and its easy to get SO caught up in your recovery, that we lose ourselves more in the process.
A good book "Codependant No More" helped me to understand why I dwell so much on others rather than myself, and meetings are never a bad idea.
Congratulations on your 30 days!
(((Hugs)))
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I agree with the others Lugnut. I would have her read some threads here, lots of helpful info here or on SA. Congrats to you for 30 days clean! That is all I've wished my AH would do is clean himself up and save our M. You took the first step in getting clean, now you're taking a VERY important step..YOU are trying to do what you need to do to save your marriage and family. You're on the right path. The only advice I have to you is be patient with her. She stuck by you through your addiction, there will be alot of anger and resentment on her part I'm sure. She's fragile and probably doesn't trust you farther than she can throw you. Take whatever steps necessary to earn her trust back. Good luck to you and congrats on 30 days!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
If she wants to go to a meeting, they really do help, but it is still her choice. I would not suggest that you go to the same Ala-non or Nar-anon meeting because then she will not be able to share openly. She needs her own meetings same as you need yours. Congratulations on your 30 days. When my daughter was in rehab, they had a session that was led by a recovering addict. The loved ones of the addicts were placed in a circle with their addict behind them. The question was then asked of us "What is it like to love an addict?" I can tell you that there was a lot of pain in that room. He then reversed it and we sat behind our addicts as the question was asked, "What is it like to be an addict?" I learned a lot that day and I believe so did my addict daughter. Good luck on the meeting. Hugs, Marle
Im Clean Today
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Lowell, IN
Posts: 195
Thanks all.. She kind of does trust me(a little) as I was able to hide it for all these years from her. I told her I was an addict when I decided to quit so she would not worry about me going through withdrawals etc.. That was the hardest thing I had to ever do (tell her)
SHe just thought I was always nice lol..(which I was on the pills and off before I started taking them)
She always wondered though about my super energy from time to time as I would clean the house take care of the kids and let her sleep in etc.
SO the trust is still kind of there as I fessed up. I just did not want to hit the bottom and I knew eventually I would hit bottom and I love my family and did not want them to see me like that.. SO before I hit the bottom I decided it was time to quit and tell my wife. She is more wanting to know why or how this happened than "not trusting me"
SO I thank god for her. As I am not that self absorbed into my recovery right now as I find it easier not to be because it just gives my mind ammo to go out and use again.. I am concentrating on my family and going out and doing tons of activities to keep my mind off the pills.
Again thanks you guys. and or gals!!
SHe just thought I was always nice lol..(which I was on the pills and off before I started taking them)
She always wondered though about my super energy from time to time as I would clean the house take care of the kids and let her sleep in etc.
SO the trust is still kind of there as I fessed up. I just did not want to hit the bottom and I knew eventually I would hit bottom and I love my family and did not want them to see me like that.. SO before I hit the bottom I decided it was time to quit and tell my wife. She is more wanting to know why or how this happened than "not trusting me"
SO I thank god for her. As I am not that self absorbed into my recovery right now as I find it easier not to be because it just gives my mind ammo to go out and use again.. I am concentrating on my family and going out and doing tons of activities to keep my mind off the pills.
Again thanks you guys. and or gals!!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Okay, gonna jump in here, being a Double Winner in both AA and Alanon. lol
You CANNOT get your wife to do anything. The only person YOU can change is YOU. Thus if YOU continue to work on YOU and YOUR Recovery, YOUR wife will see changes. She may start to ask questions. Then and only then, I M H O would be the appropriate time to give her the information about Alanon and/or Naranon for HER. You can let her know that she will find others who have been through what she has been through. I say Alanon and/or Naranon, because in many areas there are more, Alanon meetings available at more times of the day, than Naranon.
Focus on your own recovery, keep your side of the sandbox clean.......................your actions and reactions will start to change, and in the process those of your wife's will change in response to you.
J M H O
Loe and hugs,
You CANNOT get your wife to do anything. The only person YOU can change is YOU. Thus if YOU continue to work on YOU and YOUR Recovery, YOUR wife will see changes. She may start to ask questions. Then and only then, I M H O would be the appropriate time to give her the information about Alanon and/or Naranon for HER. You can let her know that she will find others who have been through what she has been through. I say Alanon and/or Naranon, because in many areas there are more, Alanon meetings available at more times of the day, than Naranon.
Focus on your own recovery, keep your side of the sandbox clean.......................your actions and reactions will start to change, and in the process those of your wife's will change in response to you.
J M H O
Loe and hugs,
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Besides attending alanon meetings (which is the best thing that has ever happened to me)
the next best thing that I did for myself to understand my AH's addiction was to attend open NA meetings.. I only attended a few but the few I did really opened my eyes and my heart to the disease of addiction.. It was there that I learned not to take his disease so personally..
Now aside from attending alanon, I attend an open AA meeting with my AH every week... just one though, because I'm really working hard at keeping my hands out of my AH's recovery.. The most humbling thing about these weekly AA meetings is that I can totally relate to the alcoholics in there... They are just as codependent and controlling as WE are.. it's only by the grace of God that I'm on the other side of the coin.. The only difference between me and them is that I did not pick up the drug or the alcohol to escape from reality and all my problems.. I just chose other other ways to escape my pain.. Food, obsessive excercise, compulsive behavior, controlling, denial, manipulation, idol threats... the same merry go round of insanity my addict is on... no wonder we were attracted to each other..
Like the posters before me stated though, YOU cannot make her do anything that she does not want to do... maybe you can ask her if she would like to attend an open meeting with you... or tell her about alanon but then leave it at that..
(((((lugnut))))) if I saw you in person I would just give you a hug... I think it is awesome that you have 30 days clean... what a great gift to you and your family... I also think that it is awesome that you care enough about your wife to want her to understand what you are going through.. from my experiance, most addicts especially in early recovery are still in their addictive way of thinking... at least AH is anyway... he could give a hoot less that I'm attending alanon or that I'm reading the big book and working on myself... right now it is still all about him...
the next best thing that I did for myself to understand my AH's addiction was to attend open NA meetings.. I only attended a few but the few I did really opened my eyes and my heart to the disease of addiction.. It was there that I learned not to take his disease so personally..
Now aside from attending alanon, I attend an open AA meeting with my AH every week... just one though, because I'm really working hard at keeping my hands out of my AH's recovery.. The most humbling thing about these weekly AA meetings is that I can totally relate to the alcoholics in there... They are just as codependent and controlling as WE are.. it's only by the grace of God that I'm on the other side of the coin.. The only difference between me and them is that I did not pick up the drug or the alcohol to escape from reality and all my problems.. I just chose other other ways to escape my pain.. Food, obsessive excercise, compulsive behavior, controlling, denial, manipulation, idol threats... the same merry go round of insanity my addict is on... no wonder we were attracted to each other..
Like the posters before me stated though, YOU cannot make her do anything that she does not want to do... maybe you can ask her if she would like to attend an open meeting with you... or tell her about alanon but then leave it at that..
(((((lugnut))))) if I saw you in person I would just give you a hug... I think it is awesome that you have 30 days clean... what a great gift to you and your family... I also think that it is awesome that you care enough about your wife to want her to understand what you are going through.. from my experiance, most addicts especially in early recovery are still in their addictive way of thinking... at least AH is anyway... he could give a hoot less that I'm attending alanon or that I'm reading the big book and working on myself... right now it is still all about him...
Im Clean Today
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Lowell, IN
Posts: 195
Thanks jerect!!
That was just it. I was self centered for the first 2 weeks and it was not working for me. I guess I was the opposite. I found not being self centered helped me not think about the pills. SO I wanted to help her try and understand what had happened.
All this came because of a accident! I had a kidney stone and got some vicodin took my 2 and about an hour later was out of it and took 2 more and WOW. I had energy for 2 days and thats the day I started dating someone else (vicodin)
She never knew until I told her but she did deserve to know why I was all of a sudden out of energy and getting sick etc. Granted I was self absorbed the first week due to the withdrawals etc. But then it did not work for me anymore. The more I helped her and my family the better I felt about me and had less time to wallow in my own self pity. SO maybe I found something that worked well for me. As I would love my wife to go (if she wants to of course) and she does. We talked long and hard about it last night and decided I should go for awhile first and when I hit 60 days she will start! We came up with plans in case I feel like using etc. SO I am sooo glad I have her. And I am sooo glad I was truthful with her at last!
As the old adage says. The Truth shall set you free and in the end it just might!!
And I also want to know what she is going through so I can understand the way she feels like betrayed and all the other feelings. Which is why we talked and she told me alot. Just glad and I think it will help the recovery process as well
Again thank you all
That was just it. I was self centered for the first 2 weeks and it was not working for me. I guess I was the opposite. I found not being self centered helped me not think about the pills. SO I wanted to help her try and understand what had happened.
All this came because of a accident! I had a kidney stone and got some vicodin took my 2 and about an hour later was out of it and took 2 more and WOW. I had energy for 2 days and thats the day I started dating someone else (vicodin)
She never knew until I told her but she did deserve to know why I was all of a sudden out of energy and getting sick etc. Granted I was self absorbed the first week due to the withdrawals etc. But then it did not work for me anymore. The more I helped her and my family the better I felt about me and had less time to wallow in my own self pity. SO maybe I found something that worked well for me. As I would love my wife to go (if she wants to of course) and she does. We talked long and hard about it last night and decided I should go for awhile first and when I hit 60 days she will start! We came up with plans in case I feel like using etc. SO I am sooo glad I have her. And I am sooo glad I was truthful with her at last!
As the old adage says. The Truth shall set you free and in the end it just might!!
And I also want to know what she is going through so I can understand the way she feels like betrayed and all the other feelings. Which is why we talked and she told me alot. Just glad and I think it will help the recovery process as well
Again thank you all
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
lugnut
She is very lucky to have you...
You have given her a gift that so many of us here on this board would love to have....
Keep reading and posting here in addition to communicating with your wife.. you will learn about "her side" very quickly..
Believe it or not, listioning to other RA on this board and in AA meetings has helped me understand what my AH has been through... I feel so blessed for every RA that I have come in contact with... each one's advice, story and words have helped me on my journey to recovery...
She is very lucky to have you...
And I am sooo glad I was truthful with her at last!
As the old adage says. The Truth shall set you free and in the end it just might!!
As the old adage says. The Truth shall set you free and in the end it just might!!
And I also want to know what she is going through so I can understand the way she feels like betrayed and all the other feelings. Which is why we talked and she told me alot. Just glad and I think it will help the recovery process as well
Believe it or not, listioning to other RA on this board and in AA meetings has helped me understand what my AH has been through... I feel so blessed for every RA that I have come in contact with... each one's advice, story and words have helped me on my journey to recovery...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
A book that I found helpful was called Addictive Thinking by Abraham Tweski.
This book is really good for understanding what happens in the mind of the addict/alcoholic. I still refer to this book.
Congrats on being clean!
This book is really good for understanding what happens in the mind of the addict/alcoholic. I still refer to this book.
Congrats on being clean!
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
first off, congrats on 30 days.
I think the naranon and alanon meetings are good for anyone. She can come on here too, this website has saved my sanity.
keep up the good work. you deserve it.
I think the naranon and alanon meetings are good for anyone. She can come on here too, this website has saved my sanity.
keep up the good work. you deserve it.
Im Clean Today
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Lowell, IN
Posts: 195
lugnut
She is very lucky to have you...
She is very lucky to have you...
You have given her a gift that so many of us here on this board would love to have....
I just want my family back the way it was before I started using. And I will be damned if I will allow this to happen again. I know I am an addict and I know the "voice" may always be there but I now have a much louder voice to combat it. And feel lucky she is willing ot help me when I really feel like using!!
Again you guys are a godsend.
LUG
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