i just connected something today

Old 01-02-2009, 06:24 PM
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i just connected something today

in 1st grade, a boy i didn't even like, walked up to me in recess and stated that from now on, i was his girlfriend.

i was miserable. he told me what equipment i could play on at recess time, etc.

this went on until 3rd grade. did i "break up" with him? no. did he break up with me? no.

he moved away. i was elated.

now, i haven't exactly connected it to anything particular as of yet, but i know there is a connection to that incident and how i handled about every relationship in my life.

may sound corny. but it hit me in the middle of the night last night. i had forgotten all about it until last night.

just one of those "aha" moments for me.....or maybe it's nothing, and i'm just overthinking things. but it feels like it's something. :wtf2
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Old 01-02-2009, 06:28 PM
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Did you ever make it to your therapist's office the other day? Perhaps you could broach the subject with him/her.
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Old 01-02-2009, 06:30 PM
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not corny at all, and I am happy for you, embraced, I don't think you are over thinking things, a painful memory but an important one...good for you...
I really appreciate this...I have just over the last week had a huge epiphany that goes back to childhood and that has been impacting on me all my life and I have been so in denial of it...
I have found that those middle of the night epiphanies are usually the important ones
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Old 01-02-2009, 08:32 PM
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Wow, I wish I could have a revelation like that, I have yet to figure out why I pick the wrong ones. Well maybe I do just a little, I have never really talked about it with anyone, I'm affraid of being judged. I hope you have the strength to bring it up in thearpy. It just might be a great place to start.
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Old 01-02-2009, 09:00 PM
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Thank you for your post! Childhood usually tells us more than what we want to know about ourselves, our lives, and our choices. I am so happy for you waking up with this profound insight into yourself.

Sounds like at a very young age you had already been taught that what you felt,and what you wanted, was not important and didn't matter. I think so many of us ,unfortunately, were taught that very same lesson. Thank you so much for sharing that.

What you want and how you feel matters so much! How you felt then matters,and how you feel today matters! I am so glad the same is true for me,and all who post on this site. :ghug3 Big hugs to you!
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Old 01-02-2009, 09:05 PM
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I totally get what you mean. I've been writing my memoir and I realized that the only requirement I ever had for a boyfriend was that he wanted me to be his girlfriend. That's it. Kinda like you.

My husband is my husband essentially because he decided he could tolerate the bad things about me.

Makes me sick. I wish I could go back and live my life with more intent. But I can't. All I can do is go forward with as much focus and intent as I can now muster. Part of that is not drinking ever again.

Thanks for your post.
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Old 01-02-2009, 09:16 PM
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Well we are the lucky ones that realize the pattern and still have another chance to choose, to take a different path.

It makes me sick too mle-sober, all the times I am there just to please someone. And feeling it is really outstanding to have someone notice me, let alone compromise with me at some level. Yuck!!
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Old 01-04-2009, 09:04 PM
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Embraced-

Ten(10!) different people were touched by your post in a meaningful way! I think thats awesome, and I also think it's proof of what happens in our lives when begin to really examine them, and ourselves. I think there is much goodness in store for you. You are already beginning to live a changed life.Thank you again for contributing to mine by simply sharing.

If in your discovery proccess, you also discover(uncover)deep pools of sadness.. don't give up. I spent a life time pretending I was "okay" or "happy", never shedding a tear. When I let myself remember all the hurtful things that had been said/done to me it felt awful,and I have never cried so much. But I have learned those tears are my voice,and I have earned them, and they actually are what give me my freedom.

Much love to you-
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Old 01-05-2009, 03:53 AM
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I think the journey of understanding myself is fascinating!

You sound like you have begun to unlock some inner doors into yourself, more will probably come to you.

Perhaps you can try to go into the memory a little, you mentioned feelings you had at that time, being miserable, why did that little girl think she had to 'go along' with it? What messages was she hearing in her head?

I did this with some of my memories, it is interesting to understand how the taught messages are implanted in our subconscious from a very early age and we obey. After regressing into my past, I realised that there was never a 'time' when I began to act codependant, I always did. Some of my earliest memories are tainted with it. Unless I was born that way, I must have learnt it. The 'nature/nurture' debate. I go with nurture!

Oh I should say for anyone reading that memory regression can open up some strong emotions and if anyone does decide to do it, if you begin to feel overwhelming emotions, you should stop and call someone who you can speak freely and open with to let out the emotion build up. Certain memories that pertain strong emotional issues (such as abuse) should be regressed with a qualified therapist!

I am not a doctor or therapist!

Happy healing

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Old 01-05-2009, 05:25 AM
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I was reading in one of my old diaries I kept in high school and saw something written that I still can't believe I didn't go back in time just to write it out - so profound, so understanding of what was going on and admitting how I was doing what I had to to survive my home environment...I don't have it with me right no, or I'd post it - but when I have a moment, I'll add it - it was an ah-ha moment for me as well

Thanks for sharing Embraced
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