j0hn0than1964

Hello All,

I am still new to recovery that is for sure about 70 days now. This has been my first holiday season sober for a very long time. I do have some concerns about fairness. My fiance and I spent News Years at home and were asleep before midnight. I am new to this and not sure of all boundaries as of yet. I am a little worried that this lifestyle I am adapting too is a large price for my non-alcoholic fiance to have to pay. In the past we had gone to parties and such and spent time with people. We have discussed that those activities were seldom fun for her then as I was drunk all the time. We also have a one year old little girl in our lives, whom is wonderful. All of these changes are good ones I believe. I felt our NYE was wonderful, we were together as a family and woke up early this AM felt good and just went about our day. Maybe these types of concerns lessen over time as my sobriety time increases and my recovery grows. Not sure if anyone else has felt this way, but I would love some feedback.

Happy 2009
Love,
JT

littlefish

You can still go to parties. I have gone to a lot of social affairs since I quit drinking and the amount of time we spend with friends hasn't changed. I've changed, and it's for the better. I am more stable and have actually enjoyed parties more in a sober state. My partner has enjoyed me being in a sober state while at parties, too.

Omega Man

I completely get it.
I passed on tickets to a private suite for an NHL game last night. My wife doesn't like hockey but some of her friends were there and I know she would have liked to done something last night instead of sitting home watching a movie by herself. I was off at an AA meeting.

We've gone to a bunch of social events with me not drinking but there was no way I was going to put myself in a private suite with an open bar on New Years Eve.

I do feel guilty about her having to pass on some social outings but I know she rather have me sober than still drinking.

I know theres going to be an adjustment period on both our parts until I'm comfortable in my own skin again. At least thats how I hope this works.

j0hn0than1964

I agree, my being sober is a wonderful thing, and my wife to be enjoys that too, she is nice and tells me all the time. I feel I get more support for the changes than she does too. I go to AA 4 or 5 times a week and another aftercare (small group) on Tuesdays. She goes to an Al-Anon meeting about 3 times a month. I agree also about comfy in this new skin that is for sure. I am honest with myself and we are honest with each other and that too is a wonderful thing.

Hanging in there,

JT

Aysha

Sounds like you have some great support there from her.
And seems that all is going as should be.
Be proud and be happy.
You said she didnt enjoy the parties anyway. I am sure would much rather have you alive and well than go to parties.

j0hn0than1964

Cynthia,

Yes you are right and that is a great perspective, I think what I am really hunting for is how I and we socialize in a healthy way going forward, I am still in the process of discovering to new friends and places to be. I am putting together some new friends from meetings and looking for local groups of sober people that gather and do things out and about. Thank you for your input.

Love,
JT

shaun00

I can relate to that feeling...i remember having a chat to my partner about it at the time.
Bottom line was she much prefered to watch me live rather than slowly kill myself.
When and if you feel comfortable around booze and people drinking it then i guess the problem will go away.
I would suggest you take no risks..........you are doing so well.
These days and since i sobered up, my wife has gone out with the girls but shes not a big drinker anyway.
We go out fairly often...........but im not a great party person anyway..
My wife drinks in the house but that took time for me to be comfortable with it..................the main thing is we talked alot about it....trucker

lisa t

hey jt...hang in there...i remember in the beginning feeling bad because my non-alcoholic husband couldn't go hang out at the bars and then i realized that wasn't true...he CHOSE to be with me at home, not drinking (he quit when i surrendered out of respect for me)!!! that's an amazing person...sounds like you have one of your own! we actually had a conversation about not drinking last night (we stayed home & had a nice quiet dinner) and he told me that he wouldn't trade one drink for what we have now!! that says it all for me!! keep up the good work & just be happy that you have a wonderful supportive person in your life and keep talking...the best thing you can do!! Hugs! Lisa and Happy Sober New Year!!!

j0hn0than1964

Yes I agree talking about all things does help, we understand that too and spend time with a counselor to discuss even more which is a good thing. Maybe us playing it safe and keeping my risks low is the right play right now? Maybe when I am ready for more I will know it and we can go from there, trucker may I ask how long you were sober before some of the social activities felt OK?

JT

Kellye C

I think as time goes on and you get to know more people in the program you will probably find some that you feel comfortable with and that you would feel good about socializing with outside of meetings. At that point you could maybe set up a "date" of sorts for coffee or dinner or just a get together to include your partner to see how she gets along with them. Over time as you build your social network of sober people there are all kinds of things you can do to hang out and have fun.

Also, as you progress in sobriety you will be better prepared with your "spiritual toolkit" and able to venture out and go to parties or restaurants if you want and as long as you are spiritually fit you should do just fine. For the timebeing though it is best to be safe and it sounds like your partner understands and respects that. You are a lucky man!

I know we try to project what it's going to be like in the future but just try to take it one day at a time and do what needs to be done to ensure your sobriety today. Tomorrow will take care of itself, I promise.

Happy sober new year!
Kellye

shaun00

johnathan..........keeping those risks to a minimum is definately a good idea..

I think.....one of the problems with early recovery is we feel so good and heathly..........and if your like me...........thought i was superman.

And before you know it that old nagging feeling raises its head...Loading too much pressure on yourself i.e...being around booze and drinkers in the beginning can and does end in "another trip round the block".

Honesty with yourself is everything.....if it feels wrong...it is wrong.

I guess about a yearish before i went out with drinkers.........and a bit more before i was ok with booze in the house.

and sometimes i visit alcoholics that are still drinking.

Only you will know what feels ok and what dont.

Remember this is only my experience.............it may not be the same for everyone.

Anyway your doing just great my friend........your life is gonna unfold like a beautiful flower...........enjoy it..................trucker

Mark75

Hey JT

Thanx for your post. I am only about 3 3/4 mos C&S. My wife of 24 years and I are soulmates. But this early recovery thing is WAY challenging for us...

Boundaries - Yep - Like trucker, my wife still enjoys a drink in the house. This was tough. I have lost almost all the resentment and controlling thoughts and behaviors over this. She is my best friend and if any other best friend of mine enjoyed a drink who would I think I am to forbid that? And, for that matter, I find I need to treat her not just as my wife and soulmate, but as my best friend, and give her the space and boundaries she needs. I know she loves me and I think that type of general consideration is a big help for me when dealing with misunderstandings and resentments. I don't say it's easy.

Lifestyle - Big one - She doesn't drink when going out, period, dinner, show, whatever. But she enjoys doing things where many do drink. I am not ready to be around that kind of environment. Still too much shame, I want to be like the others, but I can't. I know she understands, but it was an interesting holiday season as a result.

She is resentful that it is "all about me", this recovery thing. She needs to recover too... She isn't going to al-anon, she does pray and talk to her recovering best friend. She does give me unconditional love and support, even when it's hard for her. She knows it will get better.

Your wife is going to al-anon, that's great. She's clearly involved in a big positive way with your recovery.

Just make it, recovery, all about you. Don't worry, It sounds like she's doing fine with her own recovery. She knows your worth it!.

Mark