new year's eve's binge...and still going
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 15
new year's eve's binge...and still going
dear all,
first of all i wish everyone a happy new year with lots of strength, energy, peace and happiness!
i just feel i need to share something because i'm not sure where to go from here.
my new year's eve was not that great due to my bf's drinking (am i even surprised..)
i hardly got any sleep last night because i got woken up every hour or two (by his singing, coming into the frontroom - i'm sleeping on the couch at the moment - or going into the kitchen to have something to eat at 6am - the kitchen goes off the frontroom so the kitchen light alone was enough, plus his talking to himself and banging cupboard doors ;-)).
i felt pretty shattered today when it should be a day of joy, peace and all the rest of it.
he only had a couple of hours sleep himself so he was still drunk when he got up.
he went out to get some beer (6 bottles), but said he wouldn't get any more later.
he came back (even more drunk) and gave me the rest of the money.
we still ended up arguing because i felt he was in my space and made me feel very uncomfortable by talking (nonsense) non-stop..all the while i felt he wasn't even there himself, like there was just some drunk and obnoxious stranger sitting in my frontroom. really spun me out.
finally he went to bed so i had some peace. but not long after that he got up again and demanded the rest of the money to buy more beer. i refused at first but since he got more aggressive and started shouting really loudly WHERE'S MY MONEY i then gave him his stupid money.
he went to get 5 more bottles and just came back.
i wonder if i will have any sleep tonight because i have to go to work in the morning.
now my dilemma:
he had been to visit some family and i was going to ask him not to come back (as i wrote in my last post here), but since he had promised to "be better" because he did not want to lose me i had let him come back.
then he actually was "very good" for a while, and a nice bf so to speak. no drama or anything. but then just as the end of the year was nearing he went overboard again and broke several rules and always said "next year" he would be totally different.
so today is "next year" and he said well it's new year's day and a holiday.
so what am i going to do now? did almost book him a flight yesterday when i felt like falling off the edge of sanity.
then i thought hang on - isn't alcoholism an illness? can you just desert someone with an illness?
on the other hand if he is making me feel ill in the process it would be justified i guess.
so i thought fine let him have today as well and then tomorrow i will write down a proper list of boundaries (so far it was all just words), and if he breaks just ONE of these boundaries there will be no lesser consequence than me booking him a flight.
while writing i think i might have answered my own question..;-) but part of me thought yesterday and today there is no point waiting if he keeps his promises in the new year because he won't anyway so why prolong the pain.
it is such a shame that he always needs to celebrate things by getting off his head rather than trying to have a good time with me, his girlfriend that he says he loves more than anything else in the world.
i don't understand that really.
anyway i have written far too much, just needed to get it off my chest, thanks for reading it all and again all the best for 2009!
emily
first of all i wish everyone a happy new year with lots of strength, energy, peace and happiness!
i just feel i need to share something because i'm not sure where to go from here.
my new year's eve was not that great due to my bf's drinking (am i even surprised..)
i hardly got any sleep last night because i got woken up every hour or two (by his singing, coming into the frontroom - i'm sleeping on the couch at the moment - or going into the kitchen to have something to eat at 6am - the kitchen goes off the frontroom so the kitchen light alone was enough, plus his talking to himself and banging cupboard doors ;-)).
i felt pretty shattered today when it should be a day of joy, peace and all the rest of it.
he only had a couple of hours sleep himself so he was still drunk when he got up.
he went out to get some beer (6 bottles), but said he wouldn't get any more later.
he came back (even more drunk) and gave me the rest of the money.
we still ended up arguing because i felt he was in my space and made me feel very uncomfortable by talking (nonsense) non-stop..all the while i felt he wasn't even there himself, like there was just some drunk and obnoxious stranger sitting in my frontroom. really spun me out.
finally he went to bed so i had some peace. but not long after that he got up again and demanded the rest of the money to buy more beer. i refused at first but since he got more aggressive and started shouting really loudly WHERE'S MY MONEY i then gave him his stupid money.
he went to get 5 more bottles and just came back.
i wonder if i will have any sleep tonight because i have to go to work in the morning.
now my dilemma:
he had been to visit some family and i was going to ask him not to come back (as i wrote in my last post here), but since he had promised to "be better" because he did not want to lose me i had let him come back.
then he actually was "very good" for a while, and a nice bf so to speak. no drama or anything. but then just as the end of the year was nearing he went overboard again and broke several rules and always said "next year" he would be totally different.
so today is "next year" and he said well it's new year's day and a holiday.
so what am i going to do now? did almost book him a flight yesterday when i felt like falling off the edge of sanity.
then i thought hang on - isn't alcoholism an illness? can you just desert someone with an illness?
on the other hand if he is making me feel ill in the process it would be justified i guess.
so i thought fine let him have today as well and then tomorrow i will write down a proper list of boundaries (so far it was all just words), and if he breaks just ONE of these boundaries there will be no lesser consequence than me booking him a flight.
while writing i think i might have answered my own question..;-) but part of me thought yesterday and today there is no point waiting if he keeps his promises in the new year because he won't anyway so why prolong the pain.
it is such a shame that he always needs to celebrate things by getting off his head rather than trying to have a good time with me, his girlfriend that he says he loves more than anything else in the world.
i don't understand that really.
anyway i have written far too much, just needed to get it off my chest, thanks for reading it all and again all the best for 2009!
emily
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
He's broken every boundary you've given him so far. He's lied to you repeatedly. It's 2009 now and nothing is different about him today than it was in 2008.
He's going to continue to drink, and lie to you, and abuse you. And it will continue to get worse because alcoholism is a progressive illness. So what are you going to do for you?
If your boyfriend was a diabetic and lied to you and abused you repeatedly would you keep him around simply because he was a diabetic?
He's going to continue to drink, and lie to you, and abuse you. And it will continue to get worse because alcoholism is a progressive illness. So what are you going to do for you?
If your boyfriend was a diabetic and lied to you and abused you repeatedly would you keep him around simply because he was a diabetic?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Emily,
Happy New Year to you. I am wishing peace and joy for you in this new year.
I have struggled with the same questions and felt the confusion and the shattered feeling. I encourage you to trust yourself and to spend some time learning about codependency. Yes, alcoholism is a disease, and so is codependency. Find out about what you need to do to get better, and be more clear about your boundaries etc.
Everyone has demons that they need to address and work through to be happier and live more fully.
Hang in there, I hope this helps a little.
Happy New Year to you. I am wishing peace and joy for you in this new year.
I have struggled with the same questions and felt the confusion and the shattered feeling. I encourage you to trust yourself and to spend some time learning about codependency. Yes, alcoholism is a disease, and so is codependency. Find out about what you need to do to get better, and be more clear about your boundaries etc.
Everyone has demons that they need to address and work through to be happier and live more fully.
Hang in there, I hope this helps a little.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Emily,
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
If you read a hundred posts on this board, three-quarters of them (maybe more) will be saying, "He/she promised she'd be good, and so I took him/her back, and then as soon as they were back they were okay for a while, but then......"
Some people have been going on like that for twenty years or more.
I think the idea of writing out some boundaries is a good exercise. Enforcing them is an even better exercise. Be sure your boundaries are clear, and what happens when they're crossed is clear. It is hard, but it is saving your own life.
He doesn't have a helpless disease like cancer. He has a disease for which there is a remedy: going out and getting into a recovery program. He won't do that. It is his choice. Whether you want to live like this for the next twenty years is your choice.
Wishing you luck and sending you hugs and strength
GL
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
If you read a hundred posts on this board, three-quarters of them (maybe more) will be saying, "He/she promised she'd be good, and so I took him/her back, and then as soon as they were back they were okay for a while, but then......"
Some people have been going on like that for twenty years or more.
I think the idea of writing out some boundaries is a good exercise. Enforcing them is an even better exercise. Be sure your boundaries are clear, and what happens when they're crossed is clear. It is hard, but it is saving your own life.
He doesn't have a helpless disease like cancer. He has a disease for which there is a remedy: going out and getting into a recovery program. He won't do that. It is his choice. Whether you want to live like this for the next twenty years is your choice.
Wishing you luck and sending you hugs and strength
GL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Hi Emily, I'm sorry that your plans for New Year's Eve didn't go the way you hoped.
It's a shame that your BF has already broken his promises to you. I get the feeling that's pretty much all part of the deal, sadly - you'll get these kinds of promises made to you but it's only a matter of time before they get broken.
You've already had him break his promises and, in the past 24 hours, had a broken nights sleep and had him shout at you in an aggressive manner. All of this to do with his drinking problem. And you're now planning the next set of rules and boundaries. May I ask you a question? Once you've set him these new rules, and when he transgresses them, are you really prepared to follow through on the consequences? Or are you hoping that the fact that you have these rules will make him suddenly acquire the ability to control his drinking?
I know that's confusing. Let's take that as two separate things - what he says, and what he does. He's saying he loves you. But what he does is to break his promises to you, treat you with disrespect, shout at you, and be aggressive towards you.
Words are easy. If you want to really get the measure of a person, look to see how closely their words and their actions match up. Of course, no-one's perfect and everyone makes mistakes, but when there's a serious difference between what they say and what they do then ignore the words and pay attention to their actions.
Take care,
Mr B.
It's a shame that your BF has already broken his promises to you. I get the feeling that's pretty much all part of the deal, sadly - you'll get these kinds of promises made to you but it's only a matter of time before they get broken.
You've already had him break his promises and, in the past 24 hours, had a broken nights sleep and had him shout at you in an aggressive manner. All of this to do with his drinking problem. And you're now planning the next set of rules and boundaries. May I ask you a question? Once you've set him these new rules, and when he transgresses them, are you really prepared to follow through on the consequences? Or are you hoping that the fact that you have these rules will make him suddenly acquire the ability to control his drinking?
it is such a shame that he always needs to celebrate things by getting off his head rather than trying to have a good time with me, his girlfriend that he says he loves more than anything else in the world.
Words are easy. If you want to really get the measure of a person, look to see how closely their words and their actions match up. Of course, no-one's perfect and everyone makes mistakes, but when there's a serious difference between what they say and what they do then ignore the words and pay attention to their actions.
Take care,
Mr B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 15
@all
thank you all for your encouraging words.
@Mr B
since my last post i had actually been lying ill in bed..felt pretty weak, maybe due to all the stress and no sleep who knows. last time i was really ill was 6 or so years ago so it's not a common occurance so to speak ;-).
still ill yesterday but today at least i could get up.
so therefore the slight delay in replying.
regarding your question: yes at this point in time i feel more ready than i ever have to follow through with my decision when it comes to boundaries.
the only thing i'm worried about is the time between say booking a flight and him actually going. he might go "right, now i can do whatever i want" and really make my life a misery (if only for a few days), or he might be extra nice again so that i am fooled into believing again "he can and he will change" so that in the end he wouldn't take that flight.
i know he is good with words if not actions, so as you say i have to focus on the deeds not the fairytale things that come out his mouth.
while just being ill for 2 days i discovered more negative things about him. had anyone asked me beforehand about how he would treat me in this situation (never having been there) i would not have hesitated to describe all the caring and considerate things he would do for me.
in fact it was like this (sorry in advance if i'm going into too much detail):
i asked him to cook me some chicken soup because i couldn't physically get up and felt very sick. which he did - after repeated protests that he couldn't do it (throwing some chicken and veg into a pot of boiling water).
then i really needed to go to sleep (about 10pm), and asked him i he could go into the bedroom and read (which he does several times each week anyway, and even earlier, about 8 or 9pm). he got annoyed and said he was being "relegated" to the bedroom! he said it's only early and he wants some beers because he "had nothing to do".
i said go and get some beers but you know the consequences (although an argument was the LAST thing i needed at the time).
he looked furious and said "i never want to speak to you again" and to book him the flight then, and left the room.
i dragged myself up to turn the laptop on (which is on the couch table so just about manageable) and went on the flight website.
he came back in and apologized, but i could tell he was still angry as there was no real genuineness in it.
an hour later he came back in to get some food from the kitchen, then on the way out he closed the door (normally), then opened it again only to bang it shut!
i was so surprised and then angry that i couldn't go back to sleep for another hour, also some splitting headache had returned and a sick feeling etc., so i thought why did he do that? is he really that selfish and evil to wake me up on purpose when i so needed some sleep?
in the end i just felt sad and thought this is not the man i had fallen in love with and wanted to have children with.
when i asked him today why he banged the door he played ignorant "did i bang the door?" which he does often i noticed - for not remembering seems to make things okay (in his mind) and this way he doesn't need to address an issue and take responsibility.
i also told him i posted on here but again he is ignorant and says he doesn't want to know anything about it.
which for me is proof that he doesn't want to confront the issue so he can pretend nothing is the matter.
anyhow, thanks for listening again.
emily
thank you all for your encouraging words.
@Mr B
since my last post i had actually been lying ill in bed..felt pretty weak, maybe due to all the stress and no sleep who knows. last time i was really ill was 6 or so years ago so it's not a common occurance so to speak ;-).
still ill yesterday but today at least i could get up.
so therefore the slight delay in replying.
regarding your question: yes at this point in time i feel more ready than i ever have to follow through with my decision when it comes to boundaries.
the only thing i'm worried about is the time between say booking a flight and him actually going. he might go "right, now i can do whatever i want" and really make my life a misery (if only for a few days), or he might be extra nice again so that i am fooled into believing again "he can and he will change" so that in the end he wouldn't take that flight.
i know he is good with words if not actions, so as you say i have to focus on the deeds not the fairytale things that come out his mouth.
while just being ill for 2 days i discovered more negative things about him. had anyone asked me beforehand about how he would treat me in this situation (never having been there) i would not have hesitated to describe all the caring and considerate things he would do for me.
in fact it was like this (sorry in advance if i'm going into too much detail):
i asked him to cook me some chicken soup because i couldn't physically get up and felt very sick. which he did - after repeated protests that he couldn't do it (throwing some chicken and veg into a pot of boiling water).
then i really needed to go to sleep (about 10pm), and asked him i he could go into the bedroom and read (which he does several times each week anyway, and even earlier, about 8 or 9pm). he got annoyed and said he was being "relegated" to the bedroom! he said it's only early and he wants some beers because he "had nothing to do".
i said go and get some beers but you know the consequences (although an argument was the LAST thing i needed at the time).
he looked furious and said "i never want to speak to you again" and to book him the flight then, and left the room.
i dragged myself up to turn the laptop on (which is on the couch table so just about manageable) and went on the flight website.
he came back in and apologized, but i could tell he was still angry as there was no real genuineness in it.
an hour later he came back in to get some food from the kitchen, then on the way out he closed the door (normally), then opened it again only to bang it shut!
i was so surprised and then angry that i couldn't go back to sleep for another hour, also some splitting headache had returned and a sick feeling etc., so i thought why did he do that? is he really that selfish and evil to wake me up on purpose when i so needed some sleep?
in the end i just felt sad and thought this is not the man i had fallen in love with and wanted to have children with.
when i asked him today why he banged the door he played ignorant "did i bang the door?" which he does often i noticed - for not remembering seems to make things okay (in his mind) and this way he doesn't need to address an issue and take responsibility.
i also told him i posted on here but again he is ignorant and says he doesn't want to know anything about it.
which for me is proof that he doesn't want to confront the issue so he can pretend nothing is the matter.
anyhow, thanks for listening again.
emily
it is what it is...
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 179
Wow, so much of your story is familiar.
It is all about him. How dare you be sick and ask for some quiet time and some food. How could you expect that from him? He can't cook and gee, he's bored!! Shame on you, your life is supposed to revolve around his happiness!
I remember one year for Scott's b-day, he wanted me to go get him some beer like I always did so he wouldn't get a dui. His daughter had recently seen some of his drunk antics and asked me not to buy her dad any more beer. So I told him no. Later that night while I was asleep, he came in and threw a tantrum that he was out of beer (he had been in the garage). He stood outside my door cussing and stomping around and Smashed the brownies I had made for him all over the bedroom door and the floor!!
I too laid in bed and didn't sleep.
We were together for many years. Sometimes he took care of me when I was sick, sometimes he'd just leave til I felt better.
Alcoholism is SO Selfish!!! Makes me mad, hang in there. Hope you feel better! Hugs to you
It is all about him. How dare you be sick and ask for some quiet time and some food. How could you expect that from him? He can't cook and gee, he's bored!! Shame on you, your life is supposed to revolve around his happiness!
I remember one year for Scott's b-day, he wanted me to go get him some beer like I always did so he wouldn't get a dui. His daughter had recently seen some of his drunk antics and asked me not to buy her dad any more beer. So I told him no. Later that night while I was asleep, he came in and threw a tantrum that he was out of beer (he had been in the garage). He stood outside my door cussing and stomping around and Smashed the brownies I had made for him all over the bedroom door and the floor!!
I too laid in bed and didn't sleep.
We were together for many years. Sometimes he took care of me when I was sick, sometimes he'd just leave til I felt better.
Alcoholism is SO Selfish!!! Makes me mad, hang in there. Hope you feel better! Hugs to you
Member
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Emily,
Mr. B. makes some excellent points. I hope you are feeling better. One of the things I find myslef doing is caring too much about the alcoholic. Forget about him, and do what is best for you in the long run. There are people out there that will love and cherish you, but you need to work on you so you will be open and available when they come along.
Mr. B. makes some excellent points. I hope you are feeling better. One of the things I find myslef doing is caring too much about the alcoholic. Forget about him, and do what is best for you in the long run. There are people out there that will love and cherish you, but you need to work on you so you will be open and available when they come along.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
the only thing i'm worried about is the time between say booking a flight and him actually going. he might go "right, now i can do whatever i want" and really make my life a misery (if only for a few days), or he might be extra nice again so that i am fooled into believing again "he can and he will change" so that in the end he wouldn't take that flight.
In early Alanon I learned to make a plan and stick to it. At the time I was just following directions, and so I started making plans and sticking to them. Now, many years down the road I see the wisdom in this approach.
If I allow myself to be constantly pushed and pulled by the promises and antics of the alcoholic then I am stuck on the roller coaster and I never know what to expect or where to go or what to do from day to day.
When I make MY plans and stick to them I step off the insanity and things go smoothly. They go in relatively predictable and peaceful ways.
It seems to me that right now you are living in that unpredicatble world where the A is the dictator of how YOUR day/night goes and you are allowing yourself to be at his mercy.
Of course when the actual flight is booked he will go into overdrive - either binging or acting like an angel - he will do whatever it takes to KEEP drinking. I had to learn that nothing gets in the way of their drinking. Nothing. So if they have to be nice and stay sober for (a day, a week, a month?) to keep their loved ones enabling them THEY WILL! If they need the money from a job to pay for booze they will STAY EMPLOYED! If they need to pick a fight to discombobulate their enablers and keep the fog machine going and everyone in misery so they can keep drinking and blaming others THEY WILL!! Nothing gets in the way.
How horrible to be sick and have your lover show no tenderness. Is this really what you want and deserve from this one wonderful life?? I suffered a 2nd degree burn once on my leg. My ex was such a self-involved selfish man he offered me no care, no compassion, mocked my pain, refused to pick up the slack w/ the kids, and made it out to be all my fault etc., etc.
A good girlfriend of mine called to check on me and I was a sobbing mess. She was so mad. She came over, stayed with me overnight, cooked me a week's worth of food. Changed my dressings tenderly and carefully. Drove my kids around. She did everything that I would do for someone I loved. When she left I sent her a note and said "Will you marry me?!!!"
We still laugh about that. But my exH's behavior was just another brick in my cathedral of misery! The list was finally long enough to break through my denial about what I was ACTUALLY getting from the relationship. And it illustarted how much work I had to do-- why did I pick such good friends so effortlessly and yet I chose a life partner so poorly and set up just the WORST dynamic with him......all good questions for therapy!!
(((HUGS)))) to you emily--
it is a NEW year
you can make NEW choices
the past is gone you are free in THIS moment!
Peace & I hope you feel better soon--sending you some virtual chicken soup!!!
B.
In early Alanon I learned to make a plan and stick to it. At the time I was just following directions, and so I started making plans and sticking to them. Now, many years down the road I see the wisdom in this approach.
If I allow myself to be constantly pushed and pulled by the promises and antics of the alcoholic then I am stuck on the roller coaster and I never know what to expect or where to go or what to do from day to day.
When I make MY plans and stick to them I step off the insanity and things go smoothly. They go in relatively predictable and peaceful ways.
It seems to me that right now you are living in that unpredicatble world where the A is the dictator of how YOUR day/night goes and you are allowing yourself to be at his mercy.
Of course when the actual flight is booked he will go into overdrive - either binging or acting like an angel - he will do whatever it takes to KEEP drinking. I had to learn that nothing gets in the way of their drinking. Nothing. So if they have to be nice and stay sober for (a day, a week, a month?) to keep their loved ones enabling them THEY WILL! If they need the money from a job to pay for booze they will STAY EMPLOYED! If they need to pick a fight to discombobulate their enablers and keep the fog machine going and everyone in misery so they can keep drinking and blaming others THEY WILL!! Nothing gets in the way.
How horrible to be sick and have your lover show no tenderness. Is this really what you want and deserve from this one wonderful life?? I suffered a 2nd degree burn once on my leg. My ex was such a self-involved selfish man he offered me no care, no compassion, mocked my pain, refused to pick up the slack w/ the kids, and made it out to be all my fault etc., etc.
A good girlfriend of mine called to check on me and I was a sobbing mess. She was so mad. She came over, stayed with me overnight, cooked me a week's worth of food. Changed my dressings tenderly and carefully. Drove my kids around. She did everything that I would do for someone I loved. When she left I sent her a note and said "Will you marry me?!!!"
We still laugh about that. But my exH's behavior was just another brick in my cathedral of misery! The list was finally long enough to break through my denial about what I was ACTUALLY getting from the relationship. And it illustarted how much work I had to do-- why did I pick such good friends so effortlessly and yet I chose a life partner so poorly and set up just the WORST dynamic with him......all good questions for therapy!!
(((HUGS)))) to you emily--
it is a NEW year
you can make NEW choices
the past is gone you are free in THIS moment!
Peace & I hope you feel better soon--sending you some virtual chicken soup!!!
B.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Emily, let's leave aside the issue of his drinking. You were ill, and he treated you badly. He's lying to your face about childishly going back to slam the door, and he's totally disinterested in your feelings. Even if he had never touched a drop of alcohol in his life, would this be acceptable behaviour from someone you are sharing your life with?
One thing that is puzzling me here is the issue over the ticket but I'm sure I've just missed some explanation. For my aging brain, could you remind me why it's your responsibility to book him an airline ticket? Is there some legal reason you can't just kick him out of your home?
Take care,
Mr B.
One thing that is puzzling me here is the issue over the ticket but I'm sure I've just missed some explanation. For my aging brain, could you remind me why it's your responsibility to book him an airline ticket? Is there some legal reason you can't just kick him out of your home?
Take care,
Mr B.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
in the end i just felt sad and thought this is not the man i had fallen in love with and wanted to have children with.
Sending you get-well hugs. If we could, we would all come over and make some really delicious soup for you
I make a nice one with roasted chicken and roasted vegetables...Your thought above was really brave to express, I thought. For a long time, I tried to squeeze a round peg into a square hole, hoping and praying (and imagining) that he would one day become the man I'd thought he once was, the man who'd fulfill these desires for me.
It was a very freeing day indeed when I finally found the courage to admit that maybe he wasn't That Guy, and that I'd like to free myself to see if That Guy existed for me somewhere else. VERY hard decision, but very empowering too. We do only get one life, after all.
Love,
GL
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi emily..!!
Just wondering how you are doing, is that guy on his way out already bothering the stewardess with more drinks? I hope so.
Your episode reminded me of one I had with the XAHB and his drunken friend while I was living with them, was I miserable.
I hope you find the strength to look beyond the words a little and decide what is best.. I know it hurts a lot so I admire you for your courage. It seems you are already realizing this is not a good person to be with.
From the few months I've been out of the madness I have learned the following:
Time is precious
Actions, not words
Although it still hurts, I'm better off alone. Hey at least I can sleep 8 hours straight without a drunk stumbling and picking a fight! Now I wake up in peace with my teddy bear :> beat that, drunkard.
Just wondering how you are doing, is that guy on his way out already bothering the stewardess with more drinks? I hope so.
Your episode reminded me of one I had with the XAHB and his drunken friend while I was living with them, was I miserable.
I hope you find the strength to look beyond the words a little and decide what is best.. I know it hurts a lot so I admire you for your courage. It seems you are already realizing this is not a good person to be with.
From the few months I've been out of the madness I have learned the following:
Time is precious
Actions, not words
Although it still hurts, I'm better off alone. Hey at least I can sleep 8 hours straight without a drunk stumbling and picking a fight! Now I wake up in peace with my teddy bear :> beat that, drunkard.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by emilystrange 
is he really that selfish and evil to wake me up on purpose when i so needed some sleep?
i also told him i posted on here but again he is ignorant and says he doesn't want to know anything about it.
which for me is proof that he doesn't want to confront the issue so he can pretend nothing is the matter.
i also told him i posted on here but again he is ignorant and says he doesn't want to know anything about it.
which for me is proof that he doesn't want to confront the issue so he can pretend nothing is the matter.
He's not interested in your posting here. He isn't interested in confronting his issues, his addiction, or life as it is. That does not mean he will not change - if he decides to change.
He'll quit when he wants to quit. In the meantime, you deserve a decent night's sleep. And peace and quiet in your domain. You may want to begin by ignoring him. The more you ignore him, the more he may make noise.
That is when you have to come to a decision. Do you wish to try to talk to him about how you feel? Unfortunately, he doesn't have any recovery. I'm afraid you will end up frustrated and feel as if nothing has been resolved.
Such is the reality of living in a home with an addict who is active in his addiction.
I had a lot of sleepless nights. Then I learned to lock my BR door and keep my cell phone within arm's reach if I needed to call the police. The noise in my life ceased.
I hope you can have a restful night's sleep soon.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 15
thanks to all of you for your kind words! they really made me feel less alone.
i have finally managed to write down my little list of boundaries ;-)
maybe it's too many things to ask in one go?
then again, each one of these points we have argued about so often (too often) during the last years, and each point was already agreed to by my bf dozens of times, and violated just as many times.
here is what i have written:
- alcohol only every 2 weeks, with a maximum of 6 beers (after 7 or 8 beers he already has blackouts)
- no more sneaking in or hiding alcohol or drinking beer secretly outside
- no keeping me awake or waking me up when drinking
- no begging/pestering me for drink
- no more porn (the next day he can never seem to remember he went on porn sites while drinking - luckily he doesn't know how to erase website history ;-))
so, this is it.
i wrote it all down, also saying that to violate 1 or more of these boundaries would result in me booking a flight for him the very same day, and even signed it.
he read it and signed it as well. (i thought that might make it more official), only not his usual signature but a very short scribble.
i don't have to be a psychologist to know that he doesn't really agree with it, but i will see.
he pretty much has been ignoring me since then.
while writing the boundary list i even thought what is the point?
at the moment i feel i don't want to be with him anyway, drink or no drink.
but i have a feeling it won't be long until we reach a conclusion.
@mr b
the thing with the ticket is this:
i used to live with him in his country (england funnily enough), and now he lives with me in my country. as we share a flat and he doesn't have any mates over here i can't just throw him out onto the streets, he would have to go back to england (he wouldn't want to stay here on his own anyway.)
so that's why i would book him a ticket (he already said he wouldn't do it himself) so he would go back to his old life in england.
@dreamer999
the teddy bear made me laugh :-)
i have finally managed to write down my little list of boundaries ;-)
maybe it's too many things to ask in one go?
then again, each one of these points we have argued about so often (too often) during the last years, and each point was already agreed to by my bf dozens of times, and violated just as many times.
here is what i have written:
- alcohol only every 2 weeks, with a maximum of 6 beers (after 7 or 8 beers he already has blackouts)
- no more sneaking in or hiding alcohol or drinking beer secretly outside
- no keeping me awake or waking me up when drinking
- no begging/pestering me for drink
- no more porn (the next day he can never seem to remember he went on porn sites while drinking - luckily he doesn't know how to erase website history ;-))
so, this is it.
i wrote it all down, also saying that to violate 1 or more of these boundaries would result in me booking a flight for him the very same day, and even signed it.
he read it and signed it as well. (i thought that might make it more official), only not his usual signature but a very short scribble.
i don't have to be a psychologist to know that he doesn't really agree with it, but i will see.
he pretty much has been ignoring me since then.
while writing the boundary list i even thought what is the point?
at the moment i feel i don't want to be with him anyway, drink or no drink.
but i have a feeling it won't be long until we reach a conclusion.
@mr b
the thing with the ticket is this:
i used to live with him in his country (england funnily enough), and now he lives with me in my country. as we share a flat and he doesn't have any mates over here i can't just throw him out onto the streets, he would have to go back to england (he wouldn't want to stay here on his own anyway.)
so that's why i would book him a ticket (he already said he wouldn't do it himself) so he would go back to his old life in england.
@dreamer999
the teddy bear made me laugh :-)
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Hertfordshire, UK
Posts: 111
Emily, I have to say that that list reads more to me as a list of rules rather than boundaries. Boundaries are about what is acceptable to you from anyone who has some involvement in your life, and what you will do if those boundaries are transgressed. For instance, one of my boundaries is that I won't stick around if someone is being abusive or aggressive towards me - it doesn't matter who it is. If you're making particular stipulations about what you expect from your BF but wouldn't hold the same standards to other people (or even yourself), then those are not boundaries, they're rules.
So, to take your rule about how many beers he can have - that really is nothing to do with you. He's a grown-up, he can drink however many beers he wants just as often as he wants. If, instead, you want to avoid being around someone who's blackout drunk (which I can understand; it's not much fun) then I'd suggest a more useful boundary would be "If I suspect someone in my presence is so drunk they're in blackout, I'll leave the house (or whatever)."
A boundary is not about trying to get someone else to stop doing something you don't like. You have neither the capacity nor moral right to demand that someone else changes their behaviour to suit you. A boundary is about how you will protect yourself if/when someone else does something you don't like. That's a crucial difference.
As for the ticket, sorry, I still don't get it. If I may be blunt, if he's behaving badly enough that you find it impossible to continue sharing living space with the man, what happens to him the moment you "Sorry, this isn't working for me any more" and slam the door behind his sorry butt is not your problem. If he chooses to stay in the country or go back to the UK, that's his business. He's a grown-up. He gets to make those kinds of choices for himself. You get to make the choice about who you want to share your life with.
Take care,
Mr B.
So, to take your rule about how many beers he can have - that really is nothing to do with you. He's a grown-up, he can drink however many beers he wants just as often as he wants. If, instead, you want to avoid being around someone who's blackout drunk (which I can understand; it's not much fun) then I'd suggest a more useful boundary would be "If I suspect someone in my presence is so drunk they're in blackout, I'll leave the house (or whatever)."
A boundary is not about trying to get someone else to stop doing something you don't like. You have neither the capacity nor moral right to demand that someone else changes their behaviour to suit you. A boundary is about how you will protect yourself if/when someone else does something you don't like. That's a crucial difference.
As for the ticket, sorry, I still don't get it. If I may be blunt, if he's behaving badly enough that you find it impossible to continue sharing living space with the man, what happens to him the moment you "Sorry, this isn't working for me any more" and slam the door behind his sorry butt is not your problem. If he chooses to stay in the country or go back to the UK, that's his business. He's a grown-up. He gets to make those kinds of choices for himself. You get to make the choice about who you want to share your life with.
Take care,
Mr B.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 15
@mr b
sorry if i called them boundaries when in fact they are rules. but for me they are like boundaries - if he shows an unacceptable behaviour ie.violates an item on the list then my action will be to leave him.
but if as you say a boundary has to apply to everyone in my life not just him then maybe i better call them rules.
but they are rules in order for us to have one last (and i mean last) chance. is this wrong? i have thought about things like 'when he is drinking i will not be around him' - but that is more difficult than it sounds if he hasn't got a place to go to around here. so even if he drank outside he would still come home plastered and i would still have to deal with it. on the other hand i would refuse to having to go out myself to leave him alone in the flat.
so you think it is wrong to give him a drinking limit?
the reason i did this is that i know he is just about fine after 6 but not more beers. he has also suggested this limit himself repeatedly in the past to cut down on drink.
and what would be 'if you don't stop drinking (altogether) i will leave you'? wouldn't that also be a demand? or a threat? surely it cannot be a boundary as it is still trying to get someone to stop doing something (drinking alcohol).
so would this be a bad thing to say as well?
sorry bout all the questions but i am a little confused about all this.
also i am guilty of this trait (i forgot the name) where one enables because he/she is scared that anything bad might happen to the drinker.
i would get sick with worry if he was out somewhere and i knew he has a blackout. however, if he didn't live with me any longer i could push that away because i simply wouldn't know about it.
which also explains why my only option is to get him a flight booked if we do split up - then at least i can feel truly at peace, and not worry about what is going to happen to him.
i can't just switch that off.
sorry if i called them boundaries when in fact they are rules. but for me they are like boundaries - if he shows an unacceptable behaviour ie.violates an item on the list then my action will be to leave him.
but if as you say a boundary has to apply to everyone in my life not just him then maybe i better call them rules.
but they are rules in order for us to have one last (and i mean last) chance. is this wrong? i have thought about things like 'when he is drinking i will not be around him' - but that is more difficult than it sounds if he hasn't got a place to go to around here. so even if he drank outside he would still come home plastered and i would still have to deal with it. on the other hand i would refuse to having to go out myself to leave him alone in the flat.
so you think it is wrong to give him a drinking limit?
the reason i did this is that i know he is just about fine after 6 but not more beers. he has also suggested this limit himself repeatedly in the past to cut down on drink.
and what would be 'if you don't stop drinking (altogether) i will leave you'? wouldn't that also be a demand? or a threat? surely it cannot be a boundary as it is still trying to get someone to stop doing something (drinking alcohol).
so would this be a bad thing to say as well?
sorry bout all the questions but i am a little confused about all this.
also i am guilty of this trait (i forgot the name) where one enables because he/she is scared that anything bad might happen to the drinker.
i would get sick with worry if he was out somewhere and i knew he has a blackout. however, if he didn't live with me any longer i could push that away because i simply wouldn't know about it.
which also explains why my only option is to get him a flight booked if we do split up - then at least i can feel truly at peace, and not worry about what is going to happen to him.
i can't just switch that off.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
emily, I think this worries me the most:
I think it is a good thing you have written out what really creates havoc in your day-to-day life, and you have built some rule/boundaries that are a good first step toward protecting yourself ( In my own life I've noticed there can be some very gray area there, depending on how something is worded!) You also seem to have an intuition for how easy it will be for him to cross this line...but do consider your own feelings if, by some miracle, he does choose recovery. (P.S. are you going to be in charge of counting his beers or is he? dangerous ice you're treading on there)
My own boundaries tend to look like this, by the way, and for what it's worth:
"You know, I care about you but the fact that you choose to _______ really makes me miserable. So miserable, in fact, that if you continue to ________________ I'll have no choice but to _______________ in order to preserve my own peace of mind and to have what I consider a good life. It's your life, and your choice -- this is something I have to do for ME."
I also understand having certain things that you feel in your gut you need to do in order to NOT have remorse later, even when philosophically speaking you shouldn't need to. I call this "guilt-proofing" in my life, and it's very debatable but very necessary to my own peace of mind, knowing myself as I do. We all find serenity in our own way, hm?
Hoping that with him - or without him - you are soon able to find a place where you wake rested, happy, and content with yourself and your life.
at the moment i feel i don't want to be with him anyway, drink or no drink.
My own boundaries tend to look like this, by the way, and for what it's worth:
"You know, I care about you but the fact that you choose to _______ really makes me miserable. So miserable, in fact, that if you continue to ________________ I'll have no choice but to _______________ in order to preserve my own peace of mind and to have what I consider a good life. It's your life, and your choice -- this is something I have to do for ME."
I also understand having certain things that you feel in your gut you need to do in order to NOT have remorse later, even when philosophically speaking you shouldn't need to. I call this "guilt-proofing" in my life, and it's very debatable but very necessary to my own peace of mind, knowing myself as I do. We all find serenity in our own way, hm?
Hoping that with him - or without him - you are soon able to find a place where you wake rested, happy, and content with yourself and your life.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
When I was breaking up with the XAH and he was sober, he gave me back the teddy bear and said "here it is, I asked him to protect you"
The bear by far has given way much more security and good times than anyone else (been with me for over 20 years), its been a shoulder to cry on, its warm when i wake up, smiles at me lovingly, is honest, will be in my heart in my final trip home (when I"m 3 feet underground), doesnt judge me, criticize me, lie, cheat or abuse our trust in anyway. never has and never will.
I decided until someone comes along that beats that, he will continue being my bed partner. Otherwise it does not seem worth it lol
I am thinking of you!
The bear by far has given way much more security and good times than anyone else (been with me for over 20 years), its been a shoulder to cry on, its warm when i wake up, smiles at me lovingly, is honest, will be in my heart in my final trip home (when I"m 3 feet underground), doesnt judge me, criticize me, lie, cheat or abuse our trust in anyway. never has and never will.
I decided until someone comes along that beats that, he will continue being my bed partner. Otherwise it does not seem worth it lol
I am thinking of you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 15
@givelove
yes good question - i would be TRYING to count the beers in any way. i know this is of course wrong in a way because it is controlling. but even more wrong to me right at this moment is to just let him carry on with what he is doing.
of course i could have rephrased it like this:
you make me feel very bad while you are drinking for reasons x, y and z, so in order to protect myself i see no other option but to leave you if you continue to drink.
and i have tried it. i have tried to talk to him without making any accusations ("you are bad because you are binge-drinking"), but rather about the effects of his "drinking style" on me and my life.
since this didn't work i now chose the blunt method.
the thing with my bf is he's not gonna give up drinking for good, and i'm not asking him that. he just wants to "cut down".
the problem arises when it comes to defining how much is too much, or how much cutting down is cutting down.
if i say he's drunk he will say he's fine.
so i personally defined it by the maximum quantity of beer, which over the years i have worked out i could live with and still be happy with him.
any more and my life's a misery.
so i've been trying to work out all along what would be the best way to make our life together possible WITH drink.
(maybe it's not possible and he would need to quit altogether in order to control his drinking - since he has no control once he's doing it, but i'm not a professional so i can't assess him in that way of course)
i have also said every time the subject of "rules" came up in the past that it is not a rule as such but it is what i thought i could live with. and if he truly felt he wasn't able to do thing x (whatever it was - drink once a week only, drink 10 pints a night max, not go out 6am to go to the petrol station to buy booze when running out) then to tell me in all honesty and it would be fine.
even if that meant we couldn't live together any longer. but at least we would both be happy in our own way - me at peace and him drinking with no limit.
and his response was ALWAYS "i can do it, it's absolutely NO PROBLEM".
so after this whole new year's drama i thought i roll out the heavy machinery. i just had enough. i was just too soft all along, even with my ex-bf (who happened to be a drug addict).
lately i recognize traits of my ex in my bf when it comes to manipulation for his "substance", and a couple of times i looked up to look at him expecting to see my ex-bf's face and was surprised it was my bf's face.
that pretty much scared me. what is the saying - out the frying pan and into the fire..?
thanks for listening again.
yes good question - i would be TRYING to count the beers in any way. i know this is of course wrong in a way because it is controlling. but even more wrong to me right at this moment is to just let him carry on with what he is doing.
of course i could have rephrased it like this:
you make me feel very bad while you are drinking for reasons x, y and z, so in order to protect myself i see no other option but to leave you if you continue to drink.
and i have tried it. i have tried to talk to him without making any accusations ("you are bad because you are binge-drinking"), but rather about the effects of his "drinking style" on me and my life.
since this didn't work i now chose the blunt method.
the thing with my bf is he's not gonna give up drinking for good, and i'm not asking him that. he just wants to "cut down".
the problem arises when it comes to defining how much is too much, or how much cutting down is cutting down.
if i say he's drunk he will say he's fine.
so i personally defined it by the maximum quantity of beer, which over the years i have worked out i could live with and still be happy with him.
any more and my life's a misery.
so i've been trying to work out all along what would be the best way to make our life together possible WITH drink.
(maybe it's not possible and he would need to quit altogether in order to control his drinking - since he has no control once he's doing it, but i'm not a professional so i can't assess him in that way of course)
i have also said every time the subject of "rules" came up in the past that it is not a rule as such but it is what i thought i could live with. and if he truly felt he wasn't able to do thing x (whatever it was - drink once a week only, drink 10 pints a night max, not go out 6am to go to the petrol station to buy booze when running out) then to tell me in all honesty and it would be fine.
even if that meant we couldn't live together any longer. but at least we would both be happy in our own way - me at peace and him drinking with no limit.
and his response was ALWAYS "i can do it, it's absolutely NO PROBLEM".
so after this whole new year's drama i thought i roll out the heavy machinery. i just had enough. i was just too soft all along, even with my ex-bf (who happened to be a drug addict).
lately i recognize traits of my ex in my bf when it comes to manipulation for his "substance", and a couple of times i looked up to look at him expecting to see my ex-bf's face and was surprised it was my bf's face.
that pretty much scared me. what is the saying - out the frying pan and into the fire..?
thanks for listening again.
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