New to recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 1
New to recovery
Hi. I am 46 days clean from oxy, percs, and crack. My life has fallen apart and I dont know how to put the pieces back together.
I hurt myself on the job about 2 years ago, prior to that I had a crack problem but was able to get it under control until I found the joy of percs and then I slowly moved onto oxys. At first I tried so hard to keep it under control. My girlfriend had just had my baby and we had her other childern to care for also.
My girlfriend and I had a good relationship. She accepted me. Not for what I was but for who I was. I love her and the kids so much. Fast forward to today. My girlfriend kicked me out a few months back after she discovered I was using crack again. I cant blame her but I will admit that I am angry at her for putting me out of our home. She says she did it because she knew what was coming.
So I got clean after about a month of being out of my home. But being clean hasnt made the situation better. I still dont know what I want. I know that we were happy together but I dont know how much of it was real and how much of it was drugs. I know I love her and the kids but right now I cant even face the kids. I want to but I have done so much to them I just cant right now.
And to top it off my girlfriend isnt even begging me to come home. In fact she had me come to our house and get the rest of my stuff acting like it was no big deal. I love her with all of my heart and she is acting like its no big deal. About a month ago she asked me to come home and I said I cant. Idont know if it was because I was pissed she told me to leave or if it was because I really wanted to her act more like she was concerned or something. I dont know it just seems like she doesnt care. She said that I need to get better for myself and I want too but I want my family back and I dont know how. I have done alot to hurt her and the kids and I just cant or dont know how to set things straight.
I am in a recovery group not NA but a support group and they keep saying I need to focus on myself but I really want to put my family back together and noone seems to want me to. She is not my wife but I want her to be. I want what we had back. I know that she loves me. I think that she is trying not to bother me but I dont know.
How do I do this??????
I hurt myself on the job about 2 years ago, prior to that I had a crack problem but was able to get it under control until I found the joy of percs and then I slowly moved onto oxys. At first I tried so hard to keep it under control. My girlfriend had just had my baby and we had her other childern to care for also.
My girlfriend and I had a good relationship. She accepted me. Not for what I was but for who I was. I love her and the kids so much. Fast forward to today. My girlfriend kicked me out a few months back after she discovered I was using crack again. I cant blame her but I will admit that I am angry at her for putting me out of our home. She says she did it because she knew what was coming.
So I got clean after about a month of being out of my home. But being clean hasnt made the situation better. I still dont know what I want. I know that we were happy together but I dont know how much of it was real and how much of it was drugs. I know I love her and the kids but right now I cant even face the kids. I want to but I have done so much to them I just cant right now.
And to top it off my girlfriend isnt even begging me to come home. In fact she had me come to our house and get the rest of my stuff acting like it was no big deal. I love her with all of my heart and she is acting like its no big deal. About a month ago she asked me to come home and I said I cant. Idont know if it was because I was pissed she told me to leave or if it was because I really wanted to her act more like she was concerned or something. I dont know it just seems like she doesnt care. She said that I need to get better for myself and I want too but I want my family back and I dont know how. I have done alot to hurt her and the kids and I just cant or dont know how to set things straight.
I am in a recovery group not NA but a support group and they keep saying I need to focus on myself but I really want to put my family back together and noone seems to want me to. She is not my wife but I want her to be. I want what we had back. I know that she loves me. I think that she is trying not to bother me but I dont know.
How do I do this??????
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I am a crack addict too. And I am so inspried by your clean time. I have never had more than 4 mos clean before. So even one day off that evil crap is amazing to me.
My family ..well most of my family has always stood by me. Thank God. I dont have kids or a SO...So I really cant know how that feels.
But to me..I think maybe she has to put that game face on for the best.
Not only for herself and the kids. But for you too. Tough love?
Only time and your actions to show how serious you are about staying clean will decide what your future holds.
So I agree..Just do what you have to for you right now. Stay on the right path and show that your for real.
Never give up on them. It may just her way of not hurting herself. You kow?
Give it time.
And congrats on your clean time.
Oh and Welcome.
My family ..well most of my family has always stood by me. Thank God. I dont have kids or a SO...So I really cant know how that feels.
But to me..I think maybe she has to put that game face on for the best.
Not only for herself and the kids. But for you too. Tough love?
Only time and your actions to show how serious you are about staying clean will decide what your future holds.
So I agree..Just do what you have to for you right now. Stay on the right path and show that your for real.
Never give up on them. It may just her way of not hurting herself. You kow?
Give it time.
And congrats on your clean time.
Oh and Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 2,299
Hey,
It's hard patching up the pieces from a broken life-which is all we had when were using/drinking.
I know it's difficult but all I can tell you is to focus on your own recovery right now.Your need for this woman could stem from a million things-not all of them healthy.But that said?Sometimes we just need someone to love us and to love back too.That's 'normal' but we're not 'normal' when we're addicted and that needs to be addressed.
Perhaps you just need some time?To sort yourself out and then have another look at the relationship you had?
I don't know.I don't know you well enough to say.I guess all I'm saying is have some hope...focus on your own recovery for now and take another look after that.
I wish you well,
Jules
It's hard patching up the pieces from a broken life-which is all we had when were using/drinking.
I know it's difficult but all I can tell you is to focus on your own recovery right now.Your need for this woman could stem from a million things-not all of them healthy.But that said?Sometimes we just need someone to love us and to love back too.That's 'normal' but we're not 'normal' when we're addicted and that needs to be addressed.
Perhaps you just need some time?To sort yourself out and then have another look at the relationship you had?
I don't know.I don't know you well enough to say.I guess all I'm saying is have some hope...focus on your own recovery for now and take another look after that.
I wish you well,
Jules
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR!
I have to agree with what your support group is telling you, as well as your girlfriend...you DO have to do this for yourself. I know you want your family back, but until you get yourself together, you won't be ABLE to be there for your family.
I abused opiates, got clean from that, then discovered crack, which brought me down hard and fast. Getting clean wasn't the hard part. The hard part was learning how to deal with life and not picking back up. I stayed clean for a good period of time, but relapsed.
That's when I realized there was much work to be done on ME...what made me want to get numb when life got a little tough? What could I do instead? I am dealing with a ton of financial consequences, as well as career and legal ones, even coming up on 22 months clean.
I don't go to meetings, but I know they help a lot of people. I depend, a LOT on SR and have made many friends here. I also have family (dad/stepmom/niece) and a few friends, f2f, that are very supportive.
Your girlfriend is doing what she needs to do for her and the kids. We A's (addicts) have a tendency to think that relationships should go back to "normal" just because we get clean. We forget all that we have put our loved one's through. It takes a long, long time to build up trust again, and some never can, but that's pretty rare.
The best thing you can do is live your recovery. Make sure your actions match your words. If you are trying to recover for your girlfriend, or anyone else, it won't last. Any time we try to do it for someone else, as soon as they don't do what we want, we get mad, go out and use, and blame it on them.
I'm glad you're here. There are some great people here, and you're among friends. It may be a little slow here, tonight, but there will be many more people on later in the day.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I have to agree with what your support group is telling you, as well as your girlfriend...you DO have to do this for yourself. I know you want your family back, but until you get yourself together, you won't be ABLE to be there for your family.
I abused opiates, got clean from that, then discovered crack, which brought me down hard and fast. Getting clean wasn't the hard part. The hard part was learning how to deal with life and not picking back up. I stayed clean for a good period of time, but relapsed.
That's when I realized there was much work to be done on ME...what made me want to get numb when life got a little tough? What could I do instead? I am dealing with a ton of financial consequences, as well as career and legal ones, even coming up on 22 months clean.
I don't go to meetings, but I know they help a lot of people. I depend, a LOT on SR and have made many friends here. I also have family (dad/stepmom/niece) and a few friends, f2f, that are very supportive.
Your girlfriend is doing what she needs to do for her and the kids. We A's (addicts) have a tendency to think that relationships should go back to "normal" just because we get clean. We forget all that we have put our loved one's through. It takes a long, long time to build up trust again, and some never can, but that's pretty rare.
The best thing you can do is live your recovery. Make sure your actions match your words. If you are trying to recover for your girlfriend, or anyone else, it won't last. Any time we try to do it for someone else, as soon as they don't do what we want, we get mad, go out and use, and blame it on them.
I'm glad you're here. There are some great people here, and you're among friends. It may be a little slow here, tonight, but there will be many more people on later in the day.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
We Do Recover
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Texas
Posts: 2,619
Welcome! Glad you are here! Your recovery must come first. Without recovery, everything else will disappear anyway over time. You must want to get clean for yourself--regardless of what may happen in the future.
Your recovery must come first. Without recovery, everything else will disappear anyway over time. You must want to get clean for yourself--regardless of what may happen in the future. Om, Aum, Ohm...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Punxsutawney/Pittsburgh
Posts: 4,797
First, welcome, and second, congrats on the time you have clean.
If you have a child with your girlfriend and have played a role in the lives of her other children, it would seem to me that part of your recovery plan should include how you'll deal with those responsibilities. Does your recovery group offer family counseling, and do you think your girlfriend would be willing to participate, if not to reunite your family, to learn to deal with the newly clean you?
Also, you say you haven't tried NA. The spiritual component of NA helps us to clean up the messes we've made in our lives, make amends where we can, and learn to live honestly. It's no guarantee that you'll get your family back, but it can help you to make peace with the wreckage your addiction has caused in your life. I'd urge you to consider it.
Make it a good New Year.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
If you have a child with your girlfriend and have played a role in the lives of her other children, it would seem to me that part of your recovery plan should include how you'll deal with those responsibilities. Does your recovery group offer family counseling, and do you think your girlfriend would be willing to participate, if not to reunite your family, to learn to deal with the newly clean you?
Also, you say you haven't tried NA. The spiritual component of NA helps us to clean up the messes we've made in our lives, make amends where we can, and learn to live honestly. It's no guarantee that you'll get your family back, but it can help you to make peace with the wreckage your addiction has caused in your life. I'd urge you to consider it.
Make it a good New Year.
Peace & Love,
Sugah
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 164
welcome & congrats on your clean time! as others have said...focus on you! i know you want to fix everything yesterday and time seems to move very slowly when we aren't getting our needs met NOW...but just remember..you didn't get to this place in a day and there is alot of wreckage...the best you can do for yourself and your family is walk the walk...show them and yourself that you are worth it!! and YOU are!!!! imo you will find that the longer you work on you and fixing you, the more others will see it and believe it!!! the fact is...they don't trust you and it's going to take time! it can happen for you....happened for me and continues to happen every day as long as i keep doing the next right sober thing! Much love & hugs to you for the New Year...make it a good one...YOU have that power!!!
Lisa
Lisa
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,502
Hi and Welcome,
Good for you having 46 days clean and sober!
This is still relatively early in sobriety and you really do need to focus on yourself and your recovery. The situation with your girlfriend is not something you can control right now. Try to be patient. If it is meant to be, it will work out. And meanwhile, focus your energy on your sober life.
Good for you having 46 days clean and sober!
This is still relatively early in sobriety and you really do need to focus on yourself and your recovery. The situation with your girlfriend is not something you can control right now. Try to be patient. If it is meant to be, it will work out. And meanwhile, focus your energy on your sober life.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
She said that I need to get better for myself and I want too but I want my family back and I dont know how. I have done alot to hurt her and the kids and I just cant or dont know how to set things straight.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: arizona
Posts: 45
Hi there Special! Well, I must say the advice given here is very very good in my opinion. Yet I bet you are looking for more specific ways to getting your life back. Right? Well, here is my two cents.
Like everyone said, you do need to focus on yourself. Because with out care and respect for your life and sobriety, you can't whole heartedly care for your family. First make sure your feelings for your girlfriend are true, and can exist without using. Also, mke sure you feel your realtionship can truly grow with you sober. If you do feel this, start by telling her everyday how much you love her. Not overdone, maybe just a text or email, and no apologies, as I am sure you have done that plenty. Just a simple I love you. Never give her room to wonder. Also, make it a point to tell the children the same, everyday. Even if this is all you say. I know this persistence of words ALONG with sober actions could mean the world. Also, maybe you could write your family a simple email everyday, or letter. Telling them how your day was, the productive and positive things you did, that you are still sober, and that you love them. Even if you can't speak to them, this will show them you are taking a bit of time everyday to include them in your life some way, and show them how well you are doing for yourself and them. Like I said, I know this would mean the world to me. It is a small jesture, but one that could make a big difference when it comes down to reuniting. Good luck to you friend and congratulations! You are awesome.
Like everyone said, you do need to focus on yourself. Because with out care and respect for your life and sobriety, you can't whole heartedly care for your family. First make sure your feelings for your girlfriend are true, and can exist without using. Also, mke sure you feel your realtionship can truly grow with you sober. If you do feel this, start by telling her everyday how much you love her. Not overdone, maybe just a text or email, and no apologies, as I am sure you have done that plenty. Just a simple I love you. Never give her room to wonder. Also, make it a point to tell the children the same, everyday. Even if this is all you say. I know this persistence of words ALONG with sober actions could mean the world. Also, maybe you could write your family a simple email everyday, or letter. Telling them how your day was, the productive and positive things you did, that you are still sober, and that you love them. Even if you can't speak to them, this will show them you are taking a bit of time everyday to include them in your life some way, and show them how well you are doing for yourself and them. Like I said, I know this would mean the world to me. It is a small jesture, but one that could make a big difference when it comes down to reuniting. Good luck to you friend and congratulations! You are awesome.
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