harleykitt

I'm realizing that I've been sort of waiting for my life to change or my mood to change or my enthusiasm to change on its own, that one day I will out of the blue be touched by inspiration and happiness. I have been waiting to wake up suddenly in control, successful and content.

I know this sounds so basic, but I'm really just realizing that making a change has to be such a purposeful move on my own part. Never very good with structure and discipline to begin with, I've really been living re-actively and randomly, I have lost my compass and I've been allowing myself to just ricochet between a rock and hard place, gravity dictating that each time I'll hit closer to the ground.

My life is how it is because I haven't made the move to change it. I need to seek people out. I need to ask for help. I need to realize that I am not good at something because I'm waiting for the whim to practice instead of having the discipline to work at it. I need to wake up and decide that I want to be happy and work towards being happy.

I have to have the discipline to reach out today, on a Day 1 that I'd rather spend huddled under the covers.

I have to shrug off the reactionary haze and decide what I actually want my life to look like.

The title of the post comes from a quote written on a recent gift someone gave me; I'm starting to believe that there are no accidents.

coffeenut

In recovery, dreams are soooooo very possible.

Welcome to SR.

Hevyn

Welcome to SR harleykitt - I love the first paragraph of your post, that certainly describes me. I lurked and read on here for 5 mos. before I had the courage to finally lay it down. I had been at it for over 25 yrs. and knew it was get well or die a horrible death. It was making me insane in the end. We are so glad you've decided to share your journey with us. Happy Brand New 2009.

least

You have a lot of strength you may not realize. I'm so glad you joined our family. Sobriety really rocks!

harleykitt

Thankyou, I've been reading for a week as a guest. Jealous of the number of days that people have under their belts, but not really understanding the work it entails. Last night I really recognized anxiety and craving and I know the exact moment I gave in rather than work through it.

I'm the one who caved to the craving last night and I'm the one who drove to a bar half blacked out alone.

I need to be able to consciously connect the two very different pictures I have of drinking - romantic and luxury fine dining fare vs. the morning run to the window to see if I hit anything with the car.

bodey29

That sounds very close to what got me to change. I kept waiting for something but it never happened. Totaled 3 cars in 2 years no DUI. Pulled over twice, nothing. Wife threatened to leave, never did. Had a Platoon Sgt die from alcohol poisoning in '92 during the holidays, kept at it. Finally this year a cousin/hunting partner hung himself in May. It had been really ugly since then. Time to start dealing with problems instead of getting drunk and ignoring them. They are still there and I just end up feeling bad. Just finally decided my luck was bound to run out, time to cash out so to speak.