jerect

Tonight, I'm sitting here alone in a self contemplative mood because it looks like I will be ringing in the New Year by myself as AH is working and I'm totally ok with that..

Today I have come full circle in my journey of my AH's addiction. It was a year ago today that I found the stash of pills hidden underneath the passenger side seat of my husbands truck.. the months of speculating of his drug use had finally been revealed.. Today also marks the day that the chaos and insanity that I allowed to control my life for so many months afterward entered into my life..

My first thoughts were to fix my AH.. in my crazy way of thinking I just knew that I could save my AH from this addiction and that in a few months everything would be back to normal... um, was I ever in for a very rude awakening.

Oh, I went to Al anon, but not for myself.. I went because i was hoping that there I would find out some tips and ideas on how to help my husband. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that Al-anon was going to offer me no such thing.. So I decided not to go back but instead "help" my AH work his program.. yep, you can see where this is leading.. I was on him like white on rice.. Did you go to a meeting today? Have you found a sponsor? You should really be going to more then just one meeting a week? Look honey, I bought all these books on addiction just for you.. when I wasn't "working" on his program, I was playing Nancy Drew, searching for any and every sign of drug use that I could find and of course I found things and of course I continued on that Merry-go-Round of insanity, knowing things were not working but still not willing to let go and let God..

Every time, I thought things could not possibly get worse, they did.. Every time, I thought that the pain could not possibly cut any deeper it did. The lying, the cheating, the secrets, the stealing.. it just all consumed me to the point where I just did not care anymore..

All the while, I kept posting here on SR... reading situations that mirrored mine, Some were worse then mine and some were one's of hope, the ones that had lived through the nightmare and came out on the other side intact.. I knew what I needed to do, I even had advice for other people on what they should do but I was still living life on my terms instead of life's terms..

One morning in early September, I woke up just wanting to take my own life.. I don't think I would actually have done such a thing but the thought that it even crossed my mind scared the crap out of me.. I knew that I needed to do something RIGHT THEN.. So I sheepishly crawled my way back to Al anon bracing myself for attacks on my character and questions to as why I was still with my AH and where I had been for all these months.. Of course I found none of that there.. all i found were many hugs, lots of support and finally a feeling of serenity, the feeling that I had been looking for all this time..

Slowly I crawled my way out of my hole.. I surrendered everything to my HP and the day I did that I got my life back. As I started attending meetings and working the program for me and not my AH, my AH started attending meetings again too.. This time, it's hands off his program and my hands are all over mine..

I want to thank each and everyone of you beautiful people here on SR.. From the newcomers on here whose pain and angst I can so relate to, to the old timers who always had a cyber hug and words of support and to people like Anvil, who never sugar coats anything.. her words helped me to wake up from the foggy world that I was living in and to face the reality of what was truly going on in my life..

I look back on my journey this past year and today I thanked my HP for allowing me to experience it. It was a painful journey full of hard lessons, but lessons that I needed to be taught in order to become the best me that I can be..

I'm still not where I want to be.. but I have learned through Al-anon that "one day at a time" will get me there..

I have been praying and praying that God would remove some friends from my AH's life that are not friends of his sobriety.. today my AH called me while he was at one of those friends homes.. I found myself resorting back to my crazy days of trying to tell him what to do and where he needed to be and then I felt myself getting angry at God for not answering my prayers.. then a small voice inside my head said that sometimes, God works on a different schedule then I do.. sometimes what I want is not what God necessarily has in mind.. so I quickly turned my problems back over to my HP and my fears went away.. A year ago, I would not have done that... I owe my program for that bit of progress..

Thank you SR friends for being there for me through my worst... and hopefully this year seeing me at my best...

Happy New Year

Impurrfect

(((Jerect)))

You have come such a long way, and I love watching you blossom into what you were meant to be. Even though life in recovery still isn't always easy, it sure is a lot better, huh?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

bluebelle

Wonderful post! Congrats on keeping your hands off the addict! You are an inspiration to me.

Ann

What a tribute to how this program works and what an inspiration to anyone just walking in the door.

I am so happy for you that you life has become better and yet I am not surprised because you were willing to do the "do" things, and the rewards outweigh the work involved.

Keep doing what you're doing because I can promise you that it just keeps getting better and better the longer we stick with this program.

Big Happy New Year Hugs

itisatruth

Happy New Year to you jerect!

Thank you so much for sharing that. I'm glad you gave alanon another try and I'm thankful you are here on SR to share your ES&H.

Here's to 2009!!