inahaze

Doing more thinking and reading and thinking...

I started wondering if it was really the alcohol that was a problem or was it just my current life situation?

I will say the alcohol has played a rather important role in our home, I just figured everyone had a 24-pack in the fridge, stocked up on Friday for Sat/Sun and packed a beer cooler with them everywhere. This has been my life off and on for the past 13 years. It was my "normal".

I've known that I've been unhappy for a long time, but I thought that if I could just stick it out things would be okay.

I thought if he would quit drinking, and he did for awhile, things would get better...but they didn't.

I'm still withdrawn, unaffectionate and I don't really care if he's here or not. I still prefer him to sleep in his chair vs in our bed. I don't engage in meaningful conversation, I try to keep it at a minimum.

I just don't really care. I can't pin point a certain spot where I just quit caring, but rather it was a slow process. I quit caring how late he showed up or how much he drank or where he went. I no longer care if he has clean clothes or ironed shirts, I figured he was a grownup so he could take care of his ironing himself. I don't get him up anymore, he can do it himself.

I think my coming to terms with my life has been very hard for me. I was raised and have always believed in staying married. I have never been an advocate of divorce and never wanted my children to grow up in a divorced home.

I made the wrong choice in getting married straight out of high school and I made worse choices of coming back and having children that deal with MY situation. Admitting I made a wrong choice in a husband and life is very, very hard.

My unhappiness at this point is my doing. I've chosen to stay and "tough" it out and for that I've paid a heavy price.

Acccepting that divorce isn't the end of the world, but rather a new beginning and a chance to breathe again is an acceptable alternative to my current life. I'll have a tiny home and a tiny piece of land, but it will be mine. The low payments/rent though will enable me to finish school that will then enable me to give my children a better home. It's just a slow process, though not nearly as slow as the process/time/price it took me to get here today.

I still resent AH for his choices, his temper, his hurtful words and actions, but I think in time that will reside.

My new year is definately going to be a new journey with only a short time left here. I feel a little akward pretending that everything okay with AH, at the same time though if I told him how I really felt I know it would end in a huuuuge blow out and make my remaining time even worse.

Barbara52

{hugs}

I also hid the fact that I was leaving from my xAH. Infact I hit that fact til the morning I moved out. It was the right way for me to do it. I didn't need the extra drama of him pleading with me to stay or his anger that I was daring to leave him.

Congrats on recognizing that you need more than you can get out of your marriage. I hope your new year bring you the peace and serenity you deserve.

LaTeeDa

This one was really tough for me, too. Then my sister told me that I made the choice that was right for me at the time, knowing what I knew then. Now that I know different, I choose differently. She's right.

L

GiveLove

Julia Cameron (the Artist's Way lady) has this quote in the book that says, "We all do the best we can with the light we have to see by at the time."

At the time you made your choices, you thought they represented the best chance at happiness for you, based on what you knew at the time.

Now, you know more. Your universe is much, much wider.

And you have infinite choices about what to do with the rest of your time here. And you have much more time than you may think ---- I have packed most of my richest living into the last ten years of my life, enough for a whole lifetime.

Try not to waste energy on what you "should've" done years ago. That's a pointless redirection of your energy right now - like watching mind-numbing TV when what you really want to do is write a book.

Inahaze, you've come a long way even in just the short time we've known you.

BeyondBSC

I woke up one morning, nothing had occurred the night before that I can recall and thought this is it. Almost the same way I fell in luv, like you, at a very young age, with my XAH. I woke him, told him that “we” were going to the PITT game with my dad. He said, I’m getting up, I said no, you are getting out. And that was it. Don’t get me wrong…there is much more destruction that took place in the first year after we split, but it is over now. Inahaze, this is hard. The children, your living situation, money, family, friends…all of that will change. But you will be better in awhile. I know now that no matter how bad my problems are, how many times I mess up with all of the above, it is better doing it on my own than doing it with the looming judgmental attitude of my X. I even noticed in a recent relationship how stressed I was between pay checks. Like I had to justify why it is that I am so broke. But since that relationship ended, I am ok with having $12.00 in the checking account the day before I get paid. It is called peace and contentment.
Big hug to you. Your post makes me feel sad and relieved all at the same time.

Pajarito

(((inahaze))) A lot going on. I can relate. I am facing the prospect of the new year with hope that things will continue to get better. I go through days where I feel stuck, but I come out of them having learned something- always. I can also see that I am growing and getting stronger, and I am grateful for that. I hope the new year brings you more peace than you ever thought you could find.

TakingCharge999

Hello inahaze
I've been thinking about this day and how tomorrow EVERYTHING will be "last year".
Let's just try to focus in the present moment and in the near future.

I think there is a lot of pressure in "being happy" and "living the dream" and a lot of that, well since a few weeks I thought "OK people, I am deeply unhappy, sad, frustrated, angry" and I am trying to allow myself to feel these and accept them as part of my experience

Happiness may not be a destination, I am learning happiness is more like going with the flow, trying to be at peace with the past, accepting the variety of feelings involved in being a human and making mistakes and hurting others and letting yourself be hurt...

I wish you all the best for the next year.

blessed4x

Me too, inahaze. And I "stuck" for as long as I could, until I realized that that there is no real reason to live day after day just getting by. My kids and I deserve so much more than that. We all deserve more than that, our AH's included.

I can tell from your recent posts that you are going to be just fine......even more than just fine, I think you've got amazing things in store for you. I hope you stick around to share them!

Still Waters

In other words: Hindsight is 20/20.

I too left my AH with no notice, I just couldn't deal with any added drama. I just couldn't. So, I did what was best for me and my daughter.

freeflower

I told my Ah 1 month before I moved out. He took me shopping and bought me a new microwave and coffee pot and paid for my blinds.....he said if I saw things around that he bought, maybe I wouldn't bring any other men into my apartment!!!!!!!!!! Nice. That was a longggggggggg month. He never tryed to stop me or have conversation about it either. I guess he was thinking..party down and she'll be back.

inahaze

[QUOTE=anvilhead;2043368]I made the wrong choice in getting married straight out of high school and I made worse choices of coming back and having children that deal with MY situation. Admitting I made a wrong choice in a husband and life is very, very hard.

i know those are your words and your feelings, but i feel an almost palpable pain inside when i read the words BAD choice, WRONG choice, MISTAKE......i think back to all the dumb stuff i did for the sake of crack cocaine, and certainly there were BETTER choices one COULD make, but it all seemed like a good idea at the time.........
QUOTE]

You're right, at the time I thought what I was doing was the right thing. I believed in lifelong marriage. I was making decisions based on limited life experiences in the beginning and very naive to a lot of things. I never grew up in home where you called the one you loved horrible names and physically pushed you around, the person you loved was so drunk that they couldn't do anything other than pass out or where the person you loved and that supposedly loved you did everything in their power to make you feel like nothing.

So, when I got this dumped on me I tried to stick it out and I always thought that maybe it would change. AH is so good at doing the Jekyl/Hyde thing and then making his bad behavior look not so bad by saying, it's been a long time since I acted like that.

I thought coming back was always what you did when you loved someone, because love is forgiving and forever.

I'm now better educated in life and love, at least a little better It's great to love someone and to be married, but that doesn't mean you have to lose yourself and your ability to be happy, content and at peace.

inahaze

I just want more out of life. Last night for example he was huffy acting (yep he drank a lot, to the point he passed out after the midnight) about me putting up the food that had sat out for 2 hours. You see, he hadn't ate yet. I went ahead and put it up, then went into the living room. He had come into the kitchen while I was cleaning up and I interpretted his actions as hostile/agitated/upset and responded to it after 20 minutes in a cramped kitchen.

He followed me out asking what was wrong, I told him and he told me I was being psycho that he was just trying to help. Now don't get me wrong I do misinterpret people's actions at times, but am pretty good at knowing when someone is upset or mad. I got told I was being dramatic, psycho and making something out of nothing all because he'd drank some.

I want a home where I can feel at ease, raise my kids without concern and where my daughter doesn't flip out about leaving the cat home with her dad. Poor kid is terrified of her cat hurting something and the cat leaving home forever. She doesn't need to live like this.

My happiness isn't jumping for joy everyday, it's the ability to be thankful for each day and not dread it's beginning. I dread when AH is off work the same day as me and I can't wait for him to fall asleep in his chair at night.

It's a rotten feeling to think this way.

justaboutus

I can't tell you how many times I've told my husband how unhappy I am. It ALWAYS ends poorly.

You're right. Our spouses should be our best friends and it's to the point that we avoid them at all cost. I have a better relationship with my UPS man than my husband. It's not supposed to be this way. No where near this way...

Still Waters

It all sounds perfectly reasonable to me inahaze