timetogo

Well, this is truly difficult but I think it is where I need to be..........I have avoided it too long now because I fear what I will hear, but I need to hear it. I am marking another year gone......27 years now -- since I was 16 years old. I am 43 and tired. It's not coincidental to me that I'm the same age my mother was when she left -- now I understand her.

Some background (sorry, this will be long winded).....my husband has had a problem with alcohol for many years now. He is currently almost finished a 3 year sentence (no driving) for the fourth time. Out of the 27 years we have been together, he has not been able to drive for 10 of them (the ones that I really needed the help -- kids going to extra curricular activities, starting jobs, learning to drive themselves).

His problem has escalated into cocaine use which I cannot even tell you how damaging this has become. He has spent at least 20,000 since October (he went and got a line of credit that I didn't know about and ran it up -- we paid it off in October -- I wanted it cancelled but was in his name and there was nothing I could do -- I don't even know exactly what he has ran up now, but I expect that it is all gone again) and I think he probably owes more because he has good credit with his suppliers. I have refused to bail him out of this again, having done so on numerous occasions. He has a good job (15 years now) as an electrician in a plant in our home town. I fear he will lose this job very soon. He has a tendency to stay out all night but a month ago, he was gone for 5 days. I have a 16 and 18 year old daughter who deserve this even less than I do.

I use all the excuses not to leave..........some currently are....my daughter is ready to go off to university, how will I pay for that or support her in it? I have two beautiful dogs and a cat -- can't live in an apartment with them. I can't afford our mortgage on our own without child support from him which I don't think I can count on (can if he doesn't lose his job). I subcontract to do major conferences for my work and I have a large one coming up (very stressful let alone have the stresses of moving). Houses are not selling here -- I'm afraid of losing everything. I currently have a beautiful home in the country -- won't have that once I leave. I fear being alone or ever meeting someone to share my life with (as my mother, who is 63 and all alone). What will happen to him -- he has already voiced his concern with that -- that if he didn't have me, he is scared what he will become. How much watching their father do this to himself hurts them (they don't know about the cocaine -- they think it is strictly booze). The list is pretty much endless.

I suffer from extreme anxiety all the time -- and it totally revolves around my husband -- is he coming home, does he owe people money, will they come and hurt my children or my animals, will the police call at night (I have had that happen so now I take my phone off the hook to avoid), I hide my purse when I get home because I fear he will steal from me (which he never has other than getting the line of credit -- that's stealing isn't it?). He constantly disappoints my daughters (including spending, over the past few years, enough to pay for both of my childrens education). WHAT AM I DOING??? I counsel women in abusive situations and who are survivors of sexual abuse and see some pretty horrendous situations of how they have to live now that they have left -- sometimes it helps me minimize my situation.

How do I get out of this craziness? I want to start 2009 worrying about only me, and my children of course. I love this man but am beginning to loath him. He has been to treatment once but I think this was to appease me and his employer. When I mentioned him going again, he flipped out! He is actively in therapy now (only two sessions so far - he is a survivor of abuse himself --go figure) and I thought that this was going to be the time -- I really did -- but I have thought that a million times now.

How does this happen to a smart, caring, sweet, lovely man? I am so tired of worrying and am convinced that the challenges I will face without him will pale in comparison to what I am living now. I am embarrased and don't talk to anyone about this (other than his mother but I have to stop that because it is killing her to watch). I have been with him so long that it will be like losing a limb. But I'm losing my heart and soul with him. I can live without a limb but not without a heart.

I need courage that I don't have. I come from an alcoholic home where I was a survivor of incest at the hands of my father (and I wonder why I'm in this predicament?).

Any help or rays of hope would be greatly appreciated.
thanks for listening
Time to Go

lovtolaff

Wow. Just wow.

I am amazed that you have lived like this for so long. I lived with an alcoholic/crackhead for 2 years and it was devastating beyond belief. I can't imagine living like that for years.

I feel your pain - especially when dealing with someone that has a cocaine addiction. That is tough.

I'm sure others will be along shortly that will have so much more words of wisdom to share with you than I can. I was lucky that I had my OWN house and my OWN income and was used to making it on my own prior to meeting the alcoholic boyfriend. That's not to say that I didn't incur some debt while with him - (that's almost a "given" I think in these relationships) however I've taken steps to help me pay some of that debt off.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. You are NOT alone. Keep posting and reading.

Hugs to you and your girls.

MsPINKAcres

((TimetoGo))

My thoughts and prayers are with you. If you can - please search for my previous post - You will find that on Thanksgiving Day - I spent my first nite in a little rent house. After many years (17) of living a life similiar, but not exactly to yours - I walked away.

I borrowed the courage of my SR friends, the courage of my f2f meeting members, the courage that my HP has given me during over my 5 years in my Al-Anon program.

I strived for the same courage you are looking for too - It will come to you - in your time, my friend - please hold on to the promise of a better life, a better day, a better way.

The God of your understanding loves you and longs for you to be Happy, Joyous and Free - Trusting in that wonderful promise and seeking direction thru your own recovery is what helped me to be able to find the strength, courage and wisdom to take the leap of faith into this new and wonderful life.

I would love to tell you that I am pain-free - I am not. I still feel the affects of alcoholism/addiction - I probably always will. BUT I am no longer hopeless and my future holds a brighter new outlook for me.

May you find the strength, courage and wisdom that is already within you - You are deserving of a life filled with PEACE.

HUGS (hope, unity, gratitude and serenity)
Rita

Still Waters

timetogo,

You have a job, so that's a great position to be in. I can say this: Just do it. It will be okay, it really will. The lessening of your anxiety and stress, the freedom to breathe again is well worth any other obstacles you may face. I'd be willing to bet that the kids will be grateful for a sane place to be also.

Start with what you can do NOW as opposed to what you need to worry about later. University tuition will sort itself out down the road, but for now you and the kids need a safe and quiet place to live and to recover.

Maybe start looking around for a small place, you might be surprised at what you can find in small houses where you can have your pets.

One step at a time, one day at a time.

*hugs*

tiredlady2006

Timetogo...I am so very sorry for what you are going through. While I was reading what you wrote, I could feel the anxiety build up in my chest just picturing how you feel in your own home.

I am not really in a place to give the best advice. I did just leave my AH on Christmas and have used all of the same excuses I read in your post. I have 2 little boys, and 2 older step sons...I didn't want to leave my step sons because their mother isn't really around. I didn't want to leave my house, I didn't want to leave my dog, my treadmill, my piano...the list goes on.

I have only been gone for 6 days now...and one thing I can say is that I feel like I have taken a step outside of the fog I was living in, and I am looking in on my situation realizing how I was really wrapped up in the world I had let myself live in. I was so far into that world that it didn't seem like there was another one out there. Every day I wonder if I made the right choice, until something comes along and reminds me I did.

I realized that when things are hard, I mean really tough to pull off, they might not be the things we are supposed to be doing. My marriage was hard, it was a struggle, I felt like I had constant drama in my life. Since I have left, it just seems like everything is happening so quickly and so smoothly. Almost like, this is really what I was supposed to be doing.

Its not easy. Your situation is really hard. But take the leap of faith... please.


(sometimes I have this great advice, and then an hour later I am crying and weak...haha...)

ToughChoices

You sound very strong and thoughtful.
I'm glad that you're here.

My life improved a great deal when I moved into my own home. I have my own space to think - I am free from the uncertainties of alcohol.

I left my home, my furniture, my garden and started anew. My friends and family thought it was SO sad, but I am happier than ever before. I would rather have a tiny, peaceful rent home than live in constant fear and dread.

I don't know what life will hold for you.
I can say that moving out was, for me, an excellent decision.

Keep us posted, timetogo!

-TC

GiveLove

Timetogo,

Sending you hugs and strength right now, to sit with this puzzle you're facing.

Like Rita, I found a lot of good support here and in Al-Anon meetings, where there were lots of people facing similar issues. I also took great strides forward when I started doing individual counseling to help sort out all of the spaghetti strands of worry, stress, and desire that were tangled in my brain. I too am an adult child of abusive alcoholics (please see our other board for Adult Children of Alcoholics...there's a terrific community there too) and it helped so much I can't even explain it. Please consider this.

Part of your incapacitation right now may be that it's all bunched together into one pulsing ball of stress.....counseling can help to loosen those strands and lay them out on the table where they can be dealt with one at a time.

We get where we want to go by
--recognizing that we're no longer willing to live the way we are
--visualizing a better life, even if it seems far-fetched at this point (for you, it might be "living with my daughters in ANOTHER small house in the country somewhere" or similar)
--breaking down that new life-vision into small, attainable steps that don't require much courage at any one time
--taking one small baby step forward

My first baby step, personally, if I were you? Make an appointment with a family attorney this week. Explain what your husband is doing to your finances, and find out what can be done legally to protect yourself.

My second baby step would be to find an Al-Anon meeting somewhere nearby, and plan to attend it.

My third baby step might be to call a few counselors and explain to them what you want to accomplish (de-stress, deal with your husband's addiction, create a new secure life) , and see how you feel about each one's responses. Use your intuition to see who sounds best.

Note that none of this is about him. You did not cause, cannot cure, cannot control his addiction. That is his turf, and although you can feel sad for the choices he's making, you have to save your own life at this point.

These are just what worked for me, and I wanted to share.
I was operating for much of my life on pretty much zero personal courage. Tiny little steps took me where i needed to go. You don't have to do it all, solve it all today.

SO GLAD YOU FOUND US!

Hugs,
GL

Still Waters

After reading GiveLove's comment I'd like to add:

Definitely find a counselor if you can. I did and it helped me immensely. For one thing, I had someone who would listen to me and reassure me that I wasn't crazy. She also helped me untangle those threads and make paths out of them, so I could see where I needed to go.

Chrysalis123

:ghug3 Nice to meet you Timetogo.....although I am so sorry for your circumstances. You have found a great place here, full of caring and people that have walked in your shoes. There will be more people along that will share their experience, strength, and hope with you.

How do you get out of this craziness? One teeny, tiny step at a time. You took that first step when you reached out with your post! You showed a lot of courage by doing that, by breaking your silence, and by reaching out your hand for help...and that is a step out of your craziness.

There are stickies at the top of the forum that are well worth a read. Also, have you ever been to Alanon? That is a step I took that helped me greatly in my recovery. I also took the step of reading certain books. Two that come to mind are "Codependent No More" and the other is "How Alanon Works". Both were beyond helpful to me. Timetogo, you are not alone anymore. We are all here for you, and please keep coming back and post as much as you want.

suzieq1972

Hello! I'm glad you found SR and the wonderful group of people who are here. After reading your story I think you are right, this is where you need to be.

I too first met my EXAH (ex alcoholic husband) when I was 16. He drank at the time but I thought it was just typical teenage "stuff." In fact, it never seemed bad until 2005 when he suffered a back injury in a car accident. That's when when things took a turn for the worse. He became addicted to drugs and alcohol. That's when our lives changed forever.

I used all of the same excuses. How will I support our 16 year old son? How will I make the mortgage payment? What if I lose everything? What will happen to him if I leave him? How will I survive without him? Finally I decided that none of it mattered. He is an adult he can take care of himself. I am also an adult and I have to take care of myslef AND our child. He's the innocent one in all of this and he needs a responsible adult to take care of his needs.

I also suffered from anxiety even though my EXAH had walked out on us. I had all the same feelings. I was terrified when he called, I was terrified if he showed up at the house. I didn't know how to deal with him. Then I realized I didn't have to be anxious. I could choose not to answer the phone. I could choose not to let him in the house if he was drunk. I could choose to call the police if he showed up and harrassed us. I HAD CHOICES!

When you finally realize this it gives you a feeling of empowerment! What he chooses to do doesn't have to affect you or your daughters. It's your choice. You can get out of the craziness by walking away. Let him do what he's going to do. Then you do what you want to do. If you're not ready to walk away then you'll need to learn to detach. It doesn't mean you don't love him, it just means you don't engage in the craziness.

You have the COURAGE to do this. It's deep down inside of you. I didn't think I could do it either. But, with the support of friends and family (and you NEED support-please talk to someone) I did it. And you can do it too. No matter what "it" may be.

I am praying for you and your family.






Sue

dazednconfuzed

'I have avoided it too long now because I fear what I will hear, but I need to hear it.'


I know where you are. I'm there too. Perhaps our situations are different, but the place we are at is very much the same.

You need peace in your life, and if you visualize what that is to you, none of the excuses will hold a candle to that.

One thing I have finally learned (at great cost) is that there are worse things than being alone. And the great thing about being alone is that you may be able to find your own wonderful path and enjoy your own rhythm. It's not a life sentence to be alone for a time. It doesn't have to be forever - that will be YOUR decision down the road.

I wish you all the best in your endeavors toward bringing the insanity to an end and hope that you will be able to take the steps to do that.

lazydaisy

Hi, I went to my first Al-Anon meeting last night. Have you gone? It is full of people who have been there, walked away and healed themselves. Also filled with people just like us. I walked away and felt like someone pumped me up with some courage.

brundle

With what you've been living with I think you have more courage then you know! I agree with the many wise and wonderful people here on this board. Keep posting; they will be able to help you.

Hugs. I will be praying for you.

mtr

timetogo,

I agree with Still Waters inital reply "one step at a time, one day at a time".

I've lived your story or shall I say I'm living your story. I'm also new to recovery teetering that fence. My life is far from perfect, but I feel empowered knowing that I'm taking steps to fix me. Your first step was posting what's going on in your life. Your fears and anxieties are real; I know them too well. I hope the support you have received via this forum and other suggested resources are helpful. So far it has been for me. Reading the posted "stickys" helped educate me about the role I play in all this. I hope that you will do what you need to do to for peace of mind.

Be encouraged,

mtr

guiab

Timetogo,
I can't add much more to the great advice you have, such as
- Take some baby steps - do what you can do today to make your life better.
- As much as you care for him, an addict/alcoholic has to make the decision on their own. In short, remember the 3 C's - You didn't Cause it, you Can't Control it, you Can't cure it. Look over the stickies at the top of the F&FofA's forum for much useful detail on what is happening to you and your daughters.

One additional note - your teenagers are being affected. And it is hard to hide an addiction, and even harder to stop its effects on a family. Don't be surprised if your daughters already know about the cocaine - kids know a lot about drug abuse these days.
I grew up with 2 alcoholic parents, but my mother's drinking was partly a response to her belief that she was trapped and couldn't leave because of the house, her outdated job skills, we kids, college, ect. ect.
I will say this to my last breath - I wish she had left and divorced my father, come what may. I know divorce in the 70's was unusual and awful - and it would have been preferable. It would have been preferable to the screaming, random searing verbal abuse, the near-death car accidents, and watching her get sicker and sicker and do nothing. I wouldn't wish an alcoholic childhood on anyone.
If they are not in Alateen yet, your daughters should check it out. And you should attend some Aanon meetings.
I hope the new year goes better for you. Take it a day at a time.

timetogo

Thank you thank you all of you who have posted.

I was in alanon when my husband got his fourth dwi and I left him for a short period -- it was very helpful. It is a little complicated for me as I live in a small town and I am a counsellor here -- I started to run into clients and it made it uncomfortable for me and for them. There is another town close by that I think I can get to and not know anyone and am going to try that -- thank you for reminding me how much this helped a few years ago. I spent a lot of time searching down AA meetings in the area that my AH could go to -- all the while not even looking for Alanon meetings. Foolish eh? I am due to go to counselling next week -- it is hard as I know and work with many of the counsellors in town and it is hard to find one I don't know -- but I have and I hope it will help -- well, I know it will help -- I've been there before.

Thank you for reminding me about baby steps -- it's so difficult to not think of everything all at once. I'm so scared. I came home yesterday to a call from his bank -- knowing our bank manager, she gave me info she probably shouldn't have about his account (he pays our mortgage). He is screwing around with that but at least I caught it in time. These types of crisis make it so hard to take just baby steps -- they feel like they set me back. One baby step forward, 15 giant leaps back -- it feels soooo hard. I think that's why I'm still here -- I have no energy for all of this.

Again, thank you for your posts. It really does help to know that other people are going through this. I have support in a couple of good friends but they don't fully understand and I have isolated myself from them for fear of judgement. It makes me feel like I'm so stupid for letting this happen -- I've seen and known it for years.

I hope I'm one of the ones that can look back in a year's time and offer hope to someone like me.

Hoping to lose 210 lbs. in 2009
time to go

GiveLove

timetogo,

Smalllll steps. I'm sure you've told your counseling clients this too....but like forgetting to look for Alanon meetings for yourself (and we've ALL done that, believe it!) maybe you've forgotten to spend this tenderness on yourself.

Isolating was my worst enemy. I isolated out of shame - a lifelong pattern - until desperation drove me out of my cave. And coming out to people, even if they didn't fully understand every nuance of what I was going through, lifted a huge weight off my shoulders (195 pounds to be exact). It felt like that spot in The Wizard of Oz where everything turns from black and white to color

We are a global community, all of us. The people in our lives love to be able to help....it kickstarts their OWN self esteem.

Glad you found this corner of the world. And I have no doubt whatsoever that you will find kindred spirits here -- to help, and be helped -- for a long time to come if it's what you want.

Big hugs,
GL

p.s. I have several close friends and clients who are therapists & counselors....some who've written books, have elaborate educational firms, etc. They're brilliant people, but they ALL go to counseling to help stay balanced, get second opinions, round themselves out. Every single one. There is no shame there.

Rebecca4

If was you and you were me, what would you tell me to do?

steve11694

better hope this "addict electrician" doesn't miswire something that results in a fire and people injured or dead......... after you grieve for the victims and families, the lawyers will come after assets.

have YOU ever consulted an attorney about your situation?

timetogo

That's a great question Rebecca -- because absolutely my advice would be different for you than it is for myself -- thank you for that insight.

Steve, I have never really thought about the work aspect -- one more thing to stress and worry about. Up until recently, I didn't think he was using at work. I have had my suspicions of late however and it makes me panicky, mainly because I worry he will lose his job. I'm trying very hard to think of a way financially to go forward without him -- it is a huge lifestyle change for me and I can't imagine it without having his child support -- he makes well enough to pay it. I have many times had to worry about whether he will kill himself or someone else while driving. I tried to control that for a while by trading vehicles with him while he was at the bar so he would have no access (I had spare keys for his vehicle). But in the end, when he was charged again, I had no control over that as I have no control over what happens at his work. I would have to assume that his employer should have the liability coverage they need -- in the end, I think they would be responsible. Certainly, having to watch families grieve if that ever was (God Forbid) the case would be heart breaking. But I have no more control over that than I do in what he is doing to our family. I certainly couldn't take responsibility for it. I do want to talk with a lawyer but they cost money -- I make too much to be eligible for any assistance and not enough to pay for it -- especially since lately he thinks he doesn't have to give me any money so I am desperately trying to keep my head above water. If you have any other suggestions as to what to do in terms of his employment, please feel free to offer them. No wonder we stay in these abusive relationships.

time to go