Reflections on 2008 and hope for 2009
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
Reflections on 2008 and hope for 2009
Hi everyone. Well here I sit reading SR on the morning of New Years Eve. I read/post on SR every morning with my tea, it's become my morning ritual.
2008 has been quite a year for me and I would like to thank everyone for their support. Six months ago I never would have believed all that has happened to me.
I left my AH after 20+ years, we had split up before when he was in and out of rehab. I finally reached the point where I had enough. When I left I was consumed with anger, bitterness, hurt, betrayal, guilt and a sense of failure. Failure as a being and failure as a wife/woman.
The big aha moments for me:
he didn't "do" anything to me that I didn't allow
I've learned and am still learning the "why" I felt and accepted this behavior from him
I really started to grow and change when I accepted and acknowledged that I gave my power away
Where I am right now:
For the most part I'm in the "now", I don't obsess about the past but rather look at it with eyes that say look how far I've come. I'm proud of who I am.
I look at my future with eagerness, I can't wait to see and experience all the positive changes that are coming my way.
I've surrounded myself with positive and supportive people that I love and respect
I have a job that I find rewarding and challenging
My home is peaceful and tranquil
I've rediscovered my spiritual being
I've lost 40+ pounds and quit smoking
I've taken up daily meditation
I attend yoga classes 3 times a week
I hike on the weekends - rain, shine, snow doesn't stop me.
It has and will continue to be "work" but I like this type of work. It hasn't been easy either, I've felt the gut wrenching pain that A brings into our lives but now I've felt the joy that freedom from this chaos brings and also the pride in discovering true self esteem.
I pray that 2009 will bring peace and tranquility to all who are going thru similar voyages. I pray that we all have compassion for those addicts who are still suffering. I pray that we all find joy in our lives. Here's to 2009 may it be the start of the best years of our lives.
2008 has been quite a year for me and I would like to thank everyone for their support. Six months ago I never would have believed all that has happened to me.
I left my AH after 20+ years, we had split up before when he was in and out of rehab. I finally reached the point where I had enough. When I left I was consumed with anger, bitterness, hurt, betrayal, guilt and a sense of failure. Failure as a being and failure as a wife/woman.
The big aha moments for me:
he didn't "do" anything to me that I didn't allow
I've learned and am still learning the "why" I felt and accepted this behavior from him
I really started to grow and change when I accepted and acknowledged that I gave my power away
Where I am right now:
For the most part I'm in the "now", I don't obsess about the past but rather look at it with eyes that say look how far I've come. I'm proud of who I am.
I look at my future with eagerness, I can't wait to see and experience all the positive changes that are coming my way.
I've surrounded myself with positive and supportive people that I love and respect
I have a job that I find rewarding and challenging
My home is peaceful and tranquil
I've rediscovered my spiritual being
I've lost 40+ pounds and quit smoking
I've taken up daily meditation
I attend yoga classes 3 times a week
I hike on the weekends - rain, shine, snow doesn't stop me.
It has and will continue to be "work" but I like this type of work. It hasn't been easy either, I've felt the gut wrenching pain that A brings into our lives but now I've felt the joy that freedom from this chaos brings and also the pride in discovering true self esteem.
I pray that 2009 will bring peace and tranquility to all who are going thru similar voyages. I pray that we all have compassion for those addicts who are still suffering. I pray that we all find joy in our lives. Here's to 2009 may it be the start of the best years of our lives.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
What a GREAT post! I want to be YOU when I grow up!! ha ha
I'm kind of stuck here - I have days where I think "ok I will NOT think about what could have been, but rather I will think about what is GOING to be" and I find myself obssessing over what my xabf is doing, is his life better now without me, blah blah. Yes I still have "some" kind of feelings for him but I don't want to anymore. I want him out of my heart and out of my head.
Amen sista. Need I say more?
For the most part I'm in the "now", I don't obsess about the past
My home is peaceful and tranquil
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I find myself obssessing over what my xabf is doing, is his life better now without me, blah blah. Yes I still have "some" kind of feelings for him but I don't want to anymore. I want him out of my heart and out of my head.
hi laff,
I think Kingston's meditation has something to do with her ability to work through this. At least mine did when I started to do it. Fending off these feelings with a sword and armor---trying to FORCE something out of your mind---is one of the most frustrating things we can try to do! (like "don't think of an elephant right now"
) When you learn a few meditation tricks, you practice creating a quiet blank space for a while. With a little hamster-wheel brain like mine, the thoughts just keep coming, but I keep moving them through, like watching water flow by. For me, I .......recognize they're in my head at the moment (say my old XBF popped into my head, for example)
...I acknowledge it with some kind of label (I use the words "Hmm...thinking again.")
...and then I try to quietly return my mind to a blank slate again without any judgment or fanfare (I have this thing where I imagine a big windshield wiper wiping the thoughts away)
Not to say that you should take up meditation.....just that this skillset really comes in handy in day-to-day life. Like building the strength of a muscle or learning a skill, it's given me the ability to deal with all kinds of crappy thoughts just by acknowledging them and then wiping them away & getting on with my day. I know I'll never stop being curious about ANYONE who was important to me...fighting it doesn't do any good. (Filling the gaps in my life with physical activity, hugs, meaningful work, and good accomplishments left me little time to obsess, too)
Hey, Kingston, I totally hijacked your thread. Sorry !!
I love your accomplishments from 2008.....I am so impressed it makes me feel small. (in a nice way)
Do you have any specific goals for 2009? I am having trouble looking ahead this year and need some inspiration!
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
Thanks Kingston- I was just thinking we need a "resolution" thread. Maybe we can get it going here?
In 2009 I am going to try:
Continuing my recovery work
Volunteering more
Yoga
Living just for today
Being more open to social activities
More baths, walks, laughing, dancing, being outside. . .
Anyone else have some to share???
In 2009 I am going to try:
Continuing my recovery work
Volunteering more
Yoga
Living just for today
Being more open to social activities
More baths, walks, laughing, dancing, being outside. . .
Anyone else have some to share???
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
I hate New Year's resolutions, lol. But, I was just reading a blog about "personal commandments" and these two jumped out at me:
Learning to want what I've got. (paraphrase of Sheryl Crowe)
Don't rehearse unhappiness. (Or, in my case, replay it in my head)
I like these. I may think of some others on my own, but living in the present has brought me the greatest happiness in the past few years, so trying to "design" the next year seems to kinda go against that.
So, I guess my resolution is the same as it has been all year long--live in the present.
L
Learning to want what I've got. (paraphrase of Sheryl Crowe)
Don't rehearse unhappiness. (Or, in my case, replay it in my head)
I like these. I may think of some others on my own, but living in the present has brought me the greatest happiness in the past few years, so trying to "design" the next year seems to kinda go against that.
So, I guess my resolution is the same as it has been all year long--live in the present.
L
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I have been doing a great deal of reflecting in the past few days. Part of it is the new year, part of it is hitting 54 yesterday. For some reason by birthday really bummed me out for a while this year. Still not sure why that was but the feeling has passed and I'll keep exploring it till I figure just what triggered it.
Anyway my reflections looked at what the past year has been and where I want to go in the coming year.
For me the past year has in many ways been concentrated on severing all the legal ties with now xAH. The divorce and sale of the house severed most and thank God that is done. I still have to deal with the issues of past taxes due resulting from xAH's withdrawal of his 401(k) that at the moment I am being held responsible for since they haven't gotten xAH to respond and he has no income or assets anyway. I've put that is the hands of a legal team and it will end up as it ends up.
Emotionally I am light years ahead of where I was even a few months ago! I am back to my old self. No, I take that back. I am better than my old self since I have finally begun dealing with the issues resulting from being an ACOA. I will forever be thankful that my marriage to xAH led me to deal with these issues that I suppressed for 50+ years.
In the coming year, I am going to make a serious dent in the debt I incurred since I left xAH. It wouldn't have been a problem except for the side problems of dealing with my first ex disowning our sons and me having to assume all their expenses that their father used to split with me (tuition and living expenses for 2 kids in college are horrifying!). But there is light at the end of that tunnel too.
My other aims for the coming year are more nebulous since I have no idea where working on me is going to lead. I am looking forward to continuing my journey in life and finding the healthier/happier me that is resulting from all the hard work I've done. I want to work on developing more friendships since I still have this tendency to isolate and be slow to trust/open up to others. That is the worst of the effects of my childhood I think at this point. But awareness can lead me to better ways to deal with it.
Anyway my reflections looked at what the past year has been and where I want to go in the coming year.
For me the past year has in many ways been concentrated on severing all the legal ties with now xAH. The divorce and sale of the house severed most and thank God that is done. I still have to deal with the issues of past taxes due resulting from xAH's withdrawal of his 401(k) that at the moment I am being held responsible for since they haven't gotten xAH to respond and he has no income or assets anyway. I've put that is the hands of a legal team and it will end up as it ends up.
Emotionally I am light years ahead of where I was even a few months ago! I am back to my old self. No, I take that back. I am better than my old self since I have finally begun dealing with the issues resulting from being an ACOA. I will forever be thankful that my marriage to xAH led me to deal with these issues that I suppressed for 50+ years.
In the coming year, I am going to make a serious dent in the debt I incurred since I left xAH. It wouldn't have been a problem except for the side problems of dealing with my first ex disowning our sons and me having to assume all their expenses that their father used to split with me (tuition and living expenses for 2 kids in college are horrifying!). But there is light at the end of that tunnel too.
My other aims for the coming year are more nebulous since I have no idea where working on me is going to lead. I am looking forward to continuing my journey in life and finding the healthier/happier me that is resulting from all the hard work I've done. I want to work on developing more friendships since I still have this tendency to isolate and be slow to trust/open up to others. That is the worst of the effects of my childhood I think at this point. But awareness can lead me to better ways to deal with it.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Acceptance of myself as a human being with my many faults and mistakes
Acceptance of ALL my feelings, getting ALL of them out in ways that do not hurt me
Acceptance of others as human beings with their many faults and mistakes
Acceptance of the transient nature of people, events, places, ideas, thoughts, feelings, memories, my own body and my own life
If I can learn (even just a little) about humility in year 2009, and about forgiveness, it will be a good year.
Cheers, we made it through another one!!
Acceptance of ALL my feelings, getting ALL of them out in ways that do not hurt me
Acceptance of others as human beings with their many faults and mistakes
Acceptance of the transient nature of people, events, places, ideas, thoughts, feelings, memories, my own body and my own life
If I can learn (even just a little) about humility in year 2009, and about forgiveness, it will be a good year.
Cheers, we made it through another one!!
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
In 2008 I discovered my inner child in a sad state and scooped her up to rescue her.
In 2009 to the best of my ability, I will give her everything my parents never did and never could. She will feel love and acceptance.
I can't wait...
In 2009 to the best of my ability, I will give her everything my parents never did and never could. She will feel love and acceptance.
I can't wait...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
"Progress not perfection"
A friend thinks that since perfection does not exist, we should just take 'perfection' right out of that....
I'll go for that. Striving to be better is one thing, but for 2009 I will be happy to continue making....
PROGRESS
Kingston, thank you for that thoughtful (and encouraging) post!
Happy New Year everyone!!!
PS Happy belated birthday Carol!
A friend thinks that since perfection does not exist, we should just take 'perfection' right out of that....
I'll go for that. Striving to be better is one thing, but for 2009 I will be happy to continue making....
PROGRESS
Kingston, thank you for that thoughtful (and encouraging) post!
Happy New Year everyone!!!
PS Happy belated birthday Carol!
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