Change of Plans

Old 12-30-2008, 05:13 PM
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Change of Plans

I just got off the phone with AH.

There's been a change of plans.

I will be attending my best friend's New Year's Eve party tomorrow night in Dallas, alone. AH was supposed to come with me - we'd reserved a hotel room and arranged to see some other friends while we're visiting.
On the phone AH casually mentioned to me that he would be having a "few beers" at the party. I am not comfortable being around him when he is drinking. At all. I thought that he knew this. I do not want him to come with me if he is going to drink.

I told him this.
He decided that he did not want to come to the party if he cannot drink.
He said it sounded too depressing.

I think staying home from a fun party thrown by people that you love in an exciting city because you can't stand to go one night without a drink is depressing.

I'm a little sad.
But I'll have a great time without him (and I won't have any reason to worry about how he's feeling, if he's having a good time, if he's uncomfortable around all the alcohol).

I'm going to go by myself. I'll wear my new outfit, dance, meet some new people, have a glass of champagne at midnight, and have a comfy hotel bed all to myself!

No use fighting. Better to accept.

Happy New Year's, everyone!
-TC
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Old 12-30-2008, 05:19 PM
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I have three magic words for your situation, TC:

Room. Service. Breakfast. In bed. Yum.
One of the great pleasures of life on the road.

Sorry about the change of plans...sad for him.
:hugs:
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Old 12-30-2008, 05:30 PM
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Yep. I'll have a belgian waffle with strawberries and whipped cream.


I'm trying to cultivate some gratitude for this turn of events - not only do I KNOW that I will have a good time without him, this kind of disappointment, these differences in priorities need to be brought to light. I need to see them and feel them so that I can more fully understand what it means to be in a "love" relationship with an alcoholic. I need to decide if this is what I want.

Lots of good here. Still, it sucks a bit.
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Old 12-30-2008, 05:32 PM
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Oh man, I can drive to Dallas for waffles!

:P
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Old 12-30-2008, 06:00 PM
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Whoo Hoo for you! I am an advocate for doing things alone now. A bit bitter and angry still and kind of a man - hater, lol, but I commend you. It is fun to not worry about someone else. It lets you breathe and enjoy and really be yourself. Have a great time!!
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Old 12-30-2008, 08:23 PM
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I went to my office Christmas party alone this year. I had a great time. My AH is a bummer at parties anyway.

Breakfast in bed sounds WONDERFUL.
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Old 12-30-2008, 08:34 PM
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I'll be thinking about you tomorrow night, ToughChoices & envying your fun night to yourself! I live in Dallas & agreed to go to the Dallas Stars game with my AH (it's a yearly tradition with us.) He recently started taking Campral to help with his alcohol cravings. Will be interesting to see if he can go through a hockey game & NYE festivities in the plaza outside afterward alcohol-free. Wish us luck!
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Old 12-30-2008, 10:05 PM
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I am hurting.

I'm trying to just sit with it. Not freak out. Not be rash.

But, damn.
Sometimes it feels SO clear - the man cannot give me what I want.

He told me tonight that I hadn't made any progress on "this issue" (meaning his alcoholism), that I was still right where I started. I still wanted to control him. I still wanted him to be someone else.

This is a really painful comment to me. I'm working really hard.

He sees my refusal to be around him while he drinks socially as an attempt at control.
I see it as a boundary to protect myself from pain, to keep myself from turning into the angry, judgmental ball of self-righteous fury that I tend to become when alcohol and Peter meet.
I don't want to be that person, and I'm not far enough along in my recovery to put the "her" away permanently. Right now I just have to recognize my trigger situations and avoid them like the plague.
Of course he doesn't understand the nuances of this. Why would he?

Let this serve as a reminder to me NOT to talk about alcoholism with an active alcoholic. This conversation kind of sneaked up on me, and it was none too pleasant.

I'm trying. I'm listening and being open and not passing judgment and giving space and respecting feelings and staying true to my boundaries. But I really need a hug. I wanted so badly for him to give it to me, and he wouldn't.
Ugh.
It's like trying to squeeze empathy from a plastic garden gnome.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 12-30-2008, 10:34 PM
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Hello ToughChoices,

I fully agree you are in a tough place that is for sure. I feel you are learning and understanding more all the time about you and the situation you find yourself in. I have read other post from you as well and do feel for where you are. I dont feel you are in need of any progress on "his" alcoholism those are things the A have to work on. I am also pretty sure he will see any type of action take on your behalf that has anything to do with his drinking as a control point, I know I sure did. Now that I have been sober a while I can fully see the difference, but that took a bit of action and work on my side too. You are certainly right about the types of conversations to have or not have with an active alcoholic that is for sure, I was painfully defensive on every single one I had while using. I really hope you can go to the party you speak of and really have the chance to enjoy this evening, in my past I would do so many things to get my way while using, so please be aware of that too.

You have a great time and happy new year.
LOVE JT
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Old 12-31-2008, 04:30 AM
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(((toughchoices))) it may only be a cyber hug, but have it anyway. :ghug3

My STBXAH also accused me of trying to control him - he said my attempting recovery for me was the worst thing to happen to our marriage! He didn't understand - or more importantly, didn't want to understand that what I was doing was about me and my sanity and not about changing or controlling him. He was free to make his own decisions just as I was free to make mine. He saw my attempts at changing myself as attempts at changing him! No idea which one of us was the biggest codie in the relationship...

You can only do what is right for you. Have a great time in Dallas - Belgian waffles with strawberries and cream sounds delicious!
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Old 12-31-2008, 04:53 AM
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I know this is a journey only you have control over but I wish I could help you. The night I permantly detached from my Ah was at a motel. I went with him and it promised to be a lovely evening. A new dress, dancing etc but it ended with me alone, crying and scared and so sick to my stomach as he stood with his workfriends and drank himself into a stupor. I should have known better, but i went with him. The night ended with me knocking him over so he would quit peeing on the floor of our room.
I had had many instances in the past, where I thought I was done, couldn't take it anymore but the one that stuck was the motel. I guess what I'm trying to say is it wasn't neccesarilly the "peeing" and being left alone all night, it was that my dream of him ever changing his behavior and seeking help to save our marrage died that night. I knew I stood alone.
You'll know when the dream is over. Your a smart, compassionate woman and you will know.
Go tonight and relax and watch those around and rejoice in your friends and really feel your feelings. I think tonight could bring some real joy and maybe some answers.
hugs and happy new year!!!!!!!!!

Last edited by freeflower; 12-31-2008 at 04:57 AM. Reason: adding a line
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Old 12-31-2008, 04:57 AM
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Originally Posted by bookwyrm View Post
(((toughchoices))) it may only be a cyber hug, but have it anyway. :ghug3

My STBXAH also accused me of trying to control him - he said my attempting recovery for me was the worst thing to happen to our marriage! ......

You can only do what is right for you.
Thanks for the hug and the share, bookwyrm! I needed it!
I wonder if I'm having a moment of clarity here.

When Peter said that I wasn't making any progress, I realized that he's waiting for me to "come around" to his way of thinking. To accept his drinking and make peace with the chaos that alcoholism may bring to my life.

When I think Peter isn't making much progress, I realized that I'm waiting for him to "come around" to my way of thinking. To accept that alcohol is toxic to him and to our relationship and make peace with the need for recovery.

We're both just hoping the other person will change.
I'm not overtly attempting to facilitate that change any longer, but my desire for it is still there somewhere.
Most of the time I am able to manage it fairly well, but sometimes my "magical thinking" sets in and I get upset about my fairy tale ending being edited.
I so dislike the feeling that he wants me to be different - I'm sure he dislikes the feeling that I want him to be different.

There are some occasions when our differences just rub up against each other in all the wrong ways.

I'm not sleeping well tonight - processing a lot.
Am I reading too much into this?
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Old 12-31-2008, 05:07 AM
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Originally Posted by freeflower View Post
I guess what I'm trying to say is it wasn't neccesarilly the "peeing" and being left alone all night, it was that my dream of him ever changing his behavior and seeking help to save our marrage died that night. I knew I stood alone.
You'll know when the dream is over. Your a smart, compassionate woman and you will know.
I knew very clearly when I was finished living with him. There was no mistaking that moment of insight. I'm sure that I'll know when I am finished loving him (in a romantic sense).
But it scares me sometimes that the end is coming - I get glimpses of that end, more and more frequently.
I will remind myself that it will be a new beginning, more than an ending.

Thanks for the note, freeflower. I really appreciate it.

-TC

Last edited by DesertEyes; 12-31-2008 at 03:48 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
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Old 12-31-2008, 06:13 AM
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I see you on the brink of a mental shift TC. You sound very close to ending the chaos in one way or another.

i don't see you over analysing anything, I see you growing.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

PS enjoy the waffles yum yum!

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Old 12-31-2008, 06:55 AM
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TC,

I don't see you as overanalyzing anything. I think you know exactly what you're willing to accept, and I don't think it's in any way unreasonable.

For someone who is clear and rational like you, this place of being "on the cusp" has to be uncomfortable. In between the black & white poles of "leave unconditionally" and "stay unconditionally" there's a whole sea of gray. Smack in the middle of that sea is a stripe of magical possibility that things may yet work out (sometimes despite all evidence to the contrary).....you and I see a lot of people who come here living squarely on that stripe. Most of them, in fact.

You have done the inner work and know now what your boundaries are...you know you, in other words. You also have done a lot of work around acceptance, and you can see/feel the goodness in Peter in spite of his disorder. It creates a comfort zone between the two of you that keeps your feet squarely on that stripe, wisely unwilling to go backward but not quite able to go forward yet. Ugh.

If you had to look at this incident as a gift from your HP, what would you say the gift is? Are you letting yourself feel the hard emotions?

Hugs to you from me & mine.....wish we were closer so I could give it in person. Plus, are you gonna finish that whole waffle yourself?

(This may get easier as we get away from one of our culture's favorite "drinking holidays." As an ACoA, New Years and the booze-heavy celebrations that often surround it have always made me profoundly uneasy. Happy 2009 - may it bring some delightful surprises to you)
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Old 12-31-2008, 07:14 AM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
If you had to look at this incident as a gift from your HP, what would you say the gift is? Are you letting yourself feel the hard emotions?
It is a gift.
My HP is showing me that I have a rich life, full of friendships and excitement, that has nothing to do with my husband.

HP is showing me that I value myself now more than ever - that I am unwilling to compromise my standards in order to accommodate another person. I do not have to sell myself to buy P's love.

I like what you had to say about standing on the "stripe of magical gray." That's where I am. I am proud of my ability to stay grounded and refuse to move backward. But I am longing to move ahead. I think that's what this brings up for me - I want my life to be movement, not status quo, "this is good enough so I'm staying put."

I get these glimpses of movement forward with my husband. And then something like this happens, and I am reminded that forward progress is difficult, jerky - that's a good word

When we talked last night he offered to pay for the hotel room, wished me a happy New Year, and told me he loved me. We're not screaming curses at each other and throwing bookends. But I feel so apart from him right now.

I love you guys.
-TC
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Old 12-31-2008, 07:29 AM
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He told me tonight that I hadn't made any progress on "this issue" (meaning his alcoholism), that I was still right where I started. I still wanted to control him. I still wanted him to be someone else.
Wait. You want him to be sober and healthy? That's terrible!

The ways of the alcoholic to manipulate never cease to amaze me.

Really though, what he's saying is "This is who I am! I'm a drunk, so get over it already!".

Guess that leaves the ball in your park.
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Old 12-31-2008, 07:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Still Waters View Post
Really though, what he's saying is "This is who I am! I'm a drunk, so get over it already!".

Guess that leaves the ball in your park.
That's true. That certainly sounds like what he's saying now.

He peppers our conversations with admissions of "his problem" and his need for help, but he gets defensive when I express displeasure about this aspect of his personality.
Like, it's okay for HIM to admit that it's a problem, but if I say anything about it being a problem he goes into all-out justification mode.
The drinking is "a problem" for him when the problem gets him sympathy.
When it gets him frustration or anger, it ceases to his problem and becomes mine. My "perception" problem.
I am tired of this.

I wish him all the best. I'd like to believe what he's telling me. That he just had a bumpy patch in life - the drinking filled a temporary void - and now he's ok. Now he can have a beer at a party. But I don't believe it. Not at all.
And that's where we disagree.
I'm not WANTING him to be an alcoholic for life - but I don't believe that alcoholism just goes away.
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Old 12-31-2008, 08:37 AM
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I totally understand.....my AH invited me to his friends house for a NYE party tonight....I told him I didn't think it would be a good idea. (he just admitted he had a problem on Sunday) I gave him another option.....lets go to a late movie....it's something other than a "party" and we could be together for the New Year! excuses, excuses, "I already told him I'd bring a covered dish, I already told him I'd supply this and that, ect. ect. All I can say is, "Ok, no big deal, your choice!" I know it hurts, but it gets easier. The disappointments get easier. I just have to ask myself....."how many more will I allow him?"
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Old 12-31-2008, 09:16 AM
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Have a good time tonight

We love you too
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