What a night
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 6
What a night
Well, I've officially been awake for 29 hours now. The worst 29 of my life. Background: I'm 23, an alcoholic drug abuser who has been sober for a little while now. My fiance is also an alcoholic and drug abuser, actually the one who showed me my probs when he was sober. However, he has been going downhill for a while and tonight I got the dreaded call. He was in an accident, hit a parked car (nobody hurt, thank God), and I went to pick him up from the hospital. He was so drunk he was barely coherent and I was going to stay with him at his place to make sure he was ok. When we get to his place there is a girl in his bed, I say nothing, tell her to stay on the couch as she is drunk as well and wait to talk to my fiance. Well, he is crying and saying he loves me and how can I not trust him and so on and so forth. I am being very calm, and I finally get it out of him that he cheated on me. I make sure he is ok and get ready to leave, he turn and says to me that he loves me but he will ruin my life and to get as far away as possible from him. Then begs me to stay. I'm at home now, feeling awful, and getting cravings... of course... but i dont no what to do. I love him so much, but I know what can happen to my life if i stay with him. He seems unable to stick to his recovery and I fear that in a weak moment I'll mess up as well. Im just stuck here and cant seem to make a decision. It would be smart to leave, but what should I do or say if I stay? His mother says to give him space and let him hit bottom, is that whats best? I don't know... any and all opinions welcome and as usual, I hope everybody needing the help of this forum finds it. Ya'll are all in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Ok. He isn't in recovery, you are. He is cheating on you. He's driving drunk and facing charges. He tells you he chan't be trusted and will ruin your life.
What is it that makes you want to put you own recovery at risk for this man?
What is it that makes you want to put you own recovery at risk for this man?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
tennisgal,
I'm so sorry this has happened to you, as it's happened to me too. As a card-carrying member of the "I found a girl in his bed" club, I feel it in my bones and I'm so sorry.
You're in recovery, and it worries me that this is rattling your cage right now. Sobriety can be so fragile, and it would be such a shame if HIS lousy behavior were to push you over the brink. What can you do to make sure that doesn't happen?
Most of us here are not alcoholics (a few are, bless their souls) and so we may not understand your predicament as some would. Would you consider visiting some of the other forums on this site (the ones for recovering addicts/alcoholics) to gain support and strength right now when you need it most? Do you have a sponsor you can call?
You may "love" him but he is a liar, a cheater, a user, and a manipulator -- consider the possibility that your mind is not straight right now, and your heart is in love with something other than the person he really is right now. I'd suggest you take some time and really think about whether, when you were a little girl, you said "When I grow up, I want to fall in love with a drug abuser who lies to me, sleeps around, crashes his car, hits me with doors, has no responsibilities, and abuses my kindness at every turn. Can't WAIT 'til I meet him...." Sorry to sound so mean, but this is not a good person, drugs or not.
Sending you hugs and strength to get through this. Your life is -- YOU ARE -- much, much bigger than one person's stupid, selfish, dishonest choices.
I'm so sorry this has happened to you, as it's happened to me too. As a card-carrying member of the "I found a girl in his bed" club, I feel it in my bones and I'm so sorry.
You're in recovery, and it worries me that this is rattling your cage right now. Sobriety can be so fragile, and it would be such a shame if HIS lousy behavior were to push you over the brink. What can you do to make sure that doesn't happen?
Most of us here are not alcoholics (a few are, bless their souls) and so we may not understand your predicament as some would. Would you consider visiting some of the other forums on this site (the ones for recovering addicts/alcoholics) to gain support and strength right now when you need it most? Do you have a sponsor you can call?
You may "love" him but he is a liar, a cheater, a user, and a manipulator -- consider the possibility that your mind is not straight right now, and your heart is in love with something other than the person he really is right now. I'd suggest you take some time and really think about whether, when you were a little girl, you said "When I grow up, I want to fall in love with a drug abuser who lies to me, sleeps around, crashes his car, hits me with doors, has no responsibilities, and abuses my kindness at every turn. Can't WAIT 'til I meet him...." Sorry to sound so mean, but this is not a good person, drugs or not.
Sending you hugs and strength to get through this. Your life is -- YOU ARE -- much, much bigger than one person's stupid, selfish, dishonest choices.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Originally Posted by Rouxballs 
somtimes the grass is greener on the other side--the biggest risk is not taking one.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: TX
Posts: 6
Thank you all for the honest and helpful replies. I know what you say is true, and yet I find myself leaning towards the wrong decision. I hate that I feel that I need him. And of all the terrible things about this is that he had been sober for so long when I met him. But this isn't the guy I fell for and I can't continue put up with this. I need to repeat it to myself until I believe it that I can make it alone and that even though he started me on the recovery process, he crossed some lines tonight that I don't think I can ever truly forgive. Yes, I do have a sponsor and he (poor guy lol) had to listen to my hysterical rantings for quite a while tonight ( : I'm sorry if I don't sound serious, I'm having problems believing that this actually happened. That this is the same guy I fell in love with. I think whats worst is that because of my own problems my own friends and family aren't here for me anymore. I feel very alone and thats why I'm holding on... but I'm not speaking to him or taking his calls until I know I can say no. Thanks again, ya'll have been a lifesaver...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: looking for the sun in cold MN
Posts: 775
(((Hang in there)))
I agree with givelove- think about what you wanted as a little girl- I'm assuming a lying, cheating, addicted, manipulator wasn't part of the list. I'd protect your recovery with every thing you have right now. Meetings, sponsor, this forum- any sort of support you can gather up- use them. Take care!
I agree with givelove- think about what you wanted as a little girl- I'm assuming a lying, cheating, addicted, manipulator wasn't part of the list. I'd protect your recovery with every thing you have right now. Meetings, sponsor, this forum- any sort of support you can gather up- use them. Take care!
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by Rouxballs
somtimes the grass is greener on the other side--the biggest risk is not taking one.
Yep I'm with you GL, this is so ambiguous I can't decide what you are advising here?!
I second all GL said, this man is still on one side of the recovery bridge, you are on the other. You cannot call him across he has to come on his own. In the meantime, protect your recovery like a precious jewel, cos that's what it is. If you found a huge diamond whilst digging in the sand you would protect it, knowing its worth and rarity. Recovery to those who find it is just as precious.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by tennisgal
Well, I've officially been awake for 29 hours now. The worst 29 of my life. Background: I'm 23, an alcoholic drug abuser who has been sober for a little while now. My fiance is also an alcoholic and drug abuser, actually the one who showed me my probs when he was sober. However, he has been going downhill for a while and tonight I got the dreaded call. He was in an accident, hit a parked car (nobody hurt, thank God), and I went to pick him up from the hospital. He was so drunk he was barely coherent and I was going to stay with him at his place to make sure he was ok. When we get to his place there is a girl in his bed, I say nothing, tell her to stay on the couch as she is drunk as well and wait to talk to my fiance. Well, he is crying and saying he loves me and how can I not trust him and so on and so forth. I am being very calm, and I finally get it out of him that he cheated on me. I make sure he is ok and get ready to leave, he turn and says to me that he loves me but he will ruin my life and to get as far away as possible from him. Then begs me to stay. I'm at home now, feeling awful, and getting cravings... of course... but i dont no what to do. I love him so much, but I know what can happen to my life if i stay with him. He seems unable to stick to his recovery and I fear that in a weak moment I'll mess up as well. Im just stuck here and cant seem to make a decision. It would be smart to leave, but what should I do or say if I stay? His mother says to give him space and let him hit bottom, is that whats best? I don't know... any and all opinions welcome and as usual, I hope everybody needing the help of this forum finds it. Ya'll are all in my prayers.
Please please please, leap into "recovery" as if your life depended on it, because it does, your recovery, not his, I see more people "go out" because of relationships then maybe any other reason.
Do you have a sponsor? Can you call the local AA hotline and have some women come get you and take you to a meeting?
It's time for you to take care of yourself, please, you are worth it.
nothing brings us to our knees more or harder then relationships, please please please go get help, you don't have to be alone, you don't need to do this alone
Please, I beg of you, take care of you, don't let him "take you out" please
make some phone calls....please.....don't do this alone, don't be alone
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I'm a recovering addict, and I had to leave my addict, in order to protect MY recovery. I loved him, but I knew he was going to bring me down, and I didn't want to go back there.
It hurts, but IMO, it's the only thing to do. I'm still clean, he's back in jail. I had to not answer phone calls and not see him, as any contact with him was just too painful, but that's just me. It didn't take long of "no contact" for me to get stronger and realize I was doing the right thing.
Take care of you and your recovery, sweetie, and let him take care of himself.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It hurts, but IMO, it's the only thing to do. I'm still clean, he's back in jail. I had to not answer phone calls and not see him, as any contact with him was just too painful, but that's just me. It didn't take long of "no contact" for me to get stronger and realize I was doing the right thing.
Take care of you and your recovery, sweetie, and let him take care of himself.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
p.s. I only reached that point after YEARS of being in relationships with addicts/alcoholics, during which time I developed my own addiction. After 20 years of allowing men to bring me down, I can assure you, you deserve so much more.
It's only when we start believing in ourselves, and stop thinking that any other person "completes" us, that we can truly enjoy all life has to offer.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It's only when we start believing in ourselves, and stop thinking that any other person "completes" us, that we can truly enjoy all life has to offer.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
"You may "love" him but he is a liar, a cheater, a user, and a manipulator"
Chemical addiction is simply INSANITY. It plays with the addicts mind therefore, you are simply not dealing with a reasonable, logical person.
Sounds like "the girl in his bed" is another member of the fraternity of alcoholics Don't try to apply logic where there is NONE.
=============================================
"I finally get it out of him that he cheated on me"
Wow, you mean the drunk girl in his bed was not his sister, cousin, or daughter? Good thing you "finally got it out of him"
Sorry for the sarcasm, but I do know the feeling.
Chemical addiction is simply INSANITY. It plays with the addicts mind therefore, you are simply not dealing with a reasonable, logical person.
Sounds like "the girl in his bed" is another member of the fraternity of alcoholics Don't try to apply logic where there is NONE.
=============================================
"I finally get it out of him that he cheated on me"
Wow, you mean the drunk girl in his bed was not his sister, cousin, or daughter? Good thing you "finally got it out of him"
Sorry for the sarcasm, but I do know the feeling.
Getting to my HAPPY PLACE!
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Virginia
Posts: 298
You may "love" him but he is a liar, a cheater, a user, and a manipulator -- consider the possibility that your mind is not straight right now, and your heart is in love with something other than the person he really is right now.
Please get some rest and STAY STRONG in YOUR recovery.
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