Should I talk to his family about his cocaine use
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 12
Should I talk to his family about his cocaine use
I've been with my boyfriend for three years and he is extremely close to his mum and is an only child. He lives with her (he is 31) and she does everything for him. The problem is he uses cocaine every weekend and spends alot of money on it. We have had tons of rows over it and i've tried everything under the sun to try and help him to stop apart from speak to his mother whom has NO IDEA her son is taking drugs. She has no idea about cocaine and the effects but his mum is the most important thing in his life and im thinking is talking to her the right thing to do?
Will it only uspet her and him and she won't be able to do anything anyway or will it wake him up? I don't want to mess his life up by talking to her as he will hate me for it but can I carry on watching him live a lie? What if something happens to him and I never talked to her about it? Am i worrying about nothing>? Will this phase pass?
The worse thing i've known him to do was go out on a session on Xmas eve and he stayed out all night and all day and returned home to an empty house at 5pm on xmas day. His mum was at the families having xmas dinner. She was so dissapointed and he hated himself for what he had done, is this time to take action?
Will it only uspet her and him and she won't be able to do anything anyway or will it wake him up? I don't want to mess his life up by talking to her as he will hate me for it but can I carry on watching him live a lie? What if something happens to him and I never talked to her about it? Am i worrying about nothing>? Will this phase pass?
The worse thing i've known him to do was go out on a session on Xmas eve and he stayed out all night and all day and returned home to an empty house at 5pm on xmas day. His mum was at the families having xmas dinner. She was so dissapointed and he hated himself for what he had done, is this time to take action?
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Talking to her will not make him stop, and could alienate him from you.
That said, I am a mom and I would want to know. He is living with her and if he keeps drugs in her house, she could have legal problems as well as him, even lose her home. Active addicts tend to steal, not always right away but in time they do and they steal big. She could lose any money she has if he can find a way to get it (and they do). Also, her safety may be at risk. Living with an active addict just opens so many doors to hell.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Sadly, addiction usually gets progressively worse before it ever gets better. You may want to decide if this is how you want to spend your life because it's just not pretty. Take a read around and you will see others here who share the same struggles as you.
My heart goes out to you, as do my prayers. Loving an addict can suck the life right out of any of us.
Hugs
That said, I am a mom and I would want to know. He is living with her and if he keeps drugs in her house, she could have legal problems as well as him, even lose her home. Active addicts tend to steal, not always right away but in time they do and they steal big. She could lose any money she has if he can find a way to get it (and they do). Also, her safety may be at risk. Living with an active addict just opens so many doors to hell.
I'm sorry you are in this situation. Sadly, addiction usually gets progressively worse before it ever gets better. You may want to decide if this is how you want to spend your life because it's just not pretty. Take a read around and you will see others here who share the same struggles as you.
My heart goes out to you, as do my prayers. Loving an addict can suck the life right out of any of us.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 12
Ann thank you for your reply
I know this sounds naive but is he an addict? he only takes it at weekends after hes been to the pub and hes back at a house party.
I doubt he'd steel as he has a good job and always has money available.
He adores his mum and he'd never hurt her she is the one thing in his life he will never harm. I know it may alienate him from me but i don't know what else to do.
I know this sounds naive but is he an addict? he only takes it at weekends after hes been to the pub and hes back at a house party.
I doubt he'd steel as he has a good job and always has money available.
He adores his mum and he'd never hurt her she is the one thing in his life he will never harm. I know it may alienate him from me but i don't know what else to do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Addiction has nothing to do with how often they use - it has to do with what they sacrifice in order to use. Maybe he isnt to the point of physical dependancy but if he continues then that will come.
That being said I agree with Ann - as a mom I too would want to know and wish that one of my son's friends had warned me before it got so bad but you will most assuredly alienate him. I know my son walked away from anyone who had a sense of reason and tried to stop him from using - he would even walk away from people who were too close to their parents out of fear that they would tell their parent and it would get back to me. Before you do anything be sure you can live with the consequences.
His mom may not know the details yet but she obviously knows something is wrong if he stayed out all night on a holiday. As a mom i can say that i should have known all along - the signs were all there - i even recall saying before I knew that living with my son was like living with an alcoholic - and how right I was. Had i just looked a little deeper and saw the things I didnt want to see I would have known all along. Some of the parents of my son's friends didnt seem to get the connection that if my son used - theirs most likely did too. I tried to talk to one of them and hint around but the denial was so deep that i just let it go - if their kid keeps it up they will find out soon enough and they had to have proof before they would believe. As parents sometimes we are so blind to the weaknesses of our children.
That being said I agree with Ann - as a mom I too would want to know and wish that one of my son's friends had warned me before it got so bad but you will most assuredly alienate him. I know my son walked away from anyone who had a sense of reason and tried to stop him from using - he would even walk away from people who were too close to their parents out of fear that they would tell their parent and it would get back to me. Before you do anything be sure you can live with the consequences.
His mom may not know the details yet but she obviously knows something is wrong if he stayed out all night on a holiday. As a mom i can say that i should have known all along - the signs were all there - i even recall saying before I knew that living with my son was like living with an alcoholic - and how right I was. Had i just looked a little deeper and saw the things I didnt want to see I would have known all along. Some of the parents of my son's friends didnt seem to get the connection that if my son used - theirs most likely did too. I tried to talk to one of them and hint around but the denial was so deep that i just let it go - if their kid keeps it up they will find out soon enough and they had to have proof before they would believe. As parents sometimes we are so blind to the weaknesses of our children.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
So he had a run on Christmas Eve and did not return home till 5 on Christmas Day, disappointing his mom. It sounds to me like the most important thing in his life, right now, is his drug of choice. This is, no doubt about it, addiction, not a phase. It also sounds like he may be into crack, which in time, will destroy him.
As a mom, I too would want to know. Having said this, what are your motives for telling her? Do you think it will compel him to stop? That he is 31, still living at home and his mother " does everything for him" says a lot about both of them and their relationship.
Neither of you caused this. Neither of you can control this. And neither of you can cure this. He is either going to deny it or promice to never do it again and then he will. Then what?
Find out about Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area to learn about addiction and how to disengage from his choices. What he chooses to do or not, is a reflection of addiction, not you or his mother.
As a mom, I too would want to know. Having said this, what are your motives for telling her? Do you think it will compel him to stop? That he is 31, still living at home and his mother " does everything for him" says a lot about both of them and their relationship.
Neither of you caused this. Neither of you can control this. And neither of you can cure this. He is either going to deny it or promice to never do it again and then he will. Then what?
Find out about Alanon or Naranon meetings in your area to learn about addiction and how to disengage from his choices. What he chooses to do or not, is a reflection of addiction, not you or his mother.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
IMO telling his mom will not help him or her. Unless she asks you directly if you have any idea what is going on with him I would not go out of my way to tell her. Even if she were to ask I would step very lite in what information you give to her. If she were to ask something good to say would be I don't know why don't you ask him...
It is not really your business ya know. Keep the focus on yourself and take good care of yourself and you will not be faced with telling someone about what someone else is doing.
It is not really your business ya know. Keep the focus on yourself and take good care of yourself and you will not be faced with telling someone about what someone else is doing.
A Brand New Life
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
I was in the same situation debating whether or not to tell his parents everything and you know what I found? It sets up insurance for you later if there is a problem, but the truth is it doesn't matter what you say they will still make their own decisions and could possibly enable the person longer. They can even decide you are lying or exaggerating. It doesn't matter because in the end you need to work on you and feel better for you, so if it helps to spill a little I would. Just know that it may not change anything about his use. At the stage my addict was in, he just took us all as the enemy and didn't care what anyone said. It hurts to deal with this, but focus on you for awhile and detach from his issues if you can, It is hard but you can do it. Just my opinion of course, but do what is right for you. 
Hang in there
Hang in there
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by happygirl81 
I doubt he'd steel as he has a good job and always has money available.
He adores his mum and he'd never hurt her she is the one thing in his life he will never harm. I know it may alienate him from me but i don't know what else to do.
He adores his mum and he'd never hurt her she is the one thing in his life he will never harm. I know it may alienate him from me but i don't know what else to do.
You may be right, sometimes they don't steal from their family or anyone. Some steal from their children, grandmothers and take the grocery money and the money to keep the power on. The thing is, we never know which addicts will do what.
This doesn't answer your questions though, "should you tell his mom?"
As this question is disturbing you, perhaps wait and give it more thought. The answer will come when you are ready. Waiting is often a good action to take when we are uncertain of what to do.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
My RAD's best friend told her mom, who told me. My daughter hated her friend for a while but, when she found sobriety, she knew it was done out of love.
I will always be grateful to her friend and mom. My daughter was well on her way towards OD'ing. The amount she was shooting in her veins was enough to kill a horse.
I will always be grateful to her friend and mom. My daughter was well on her way towards OD'ing. The amount she was shooting in her veins was enough to kill a horse.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 12
The weight is lifted
Oh my god, i've never been on these forums before and I can't thank you enough for your responses, they really helped me!
I was with his mum tonight whilst he was at work and I think because of what happened on Xmas day she has worked out something wasn't right and the fact he spends a full day sleeping and she asked me. I could not BELIEVE it, i've always hoped she'd ask then i would be put in a position, I just can't believe she asked me the day I wrote this thread, it was unbelievable.
Anyway I confirmed he was using cocaine but she was to talk to him about it and sure enough when he came home she asked him and he admitted it all to her. Luckily for me he said he wasn't bothered that id confirmed her suspicions.
The good news is I feel a wait has been lifted, i feel as though if worse case scenario and something terrible did happen at least his mum knew and she wouldn't hate me for not telling her sooner, thinking she could have stopped it. I feel like its not my responsibility anymore and as selfish as it sounds I can now let her worry and like you all say concentrate on myself and reconsider this relationship.
Bad news is his mum is so green about the whole thing and doesn't realise the danger and how serious it is.
Like you say it says alot for their relationship and his tea is still on the table.
Thank you everyone, I am extremely gratefull. x
I was with his mum tonight whilst he was at work and I think because of what happened on Xmas day she has worked out something wasn't right and the fact he spends a full day sleeping and she asked me. I could not BELIEVE it, i've always hoped she'd ask then i would be put in a position, I just can't believe she asked me the day I wrote this thread, it was unbelievable.
Anyway I confirmed he was using cocaine but she was to talk to him about it and sure enough when he came home she asked him and he admitted it all to her. Luckily for me he said he wasn't bothered that id confirmed her suspicions.
The good news is I feel a wait has been lifted, i feel as though if worse case scenario and something terrible did happen at least his mum knew and she wouldn't hate me for not telling her sooner, thinking she could have stopped it. I feel like its not my responsibility anymore and as selfish as it sounds I can now let her worry and like you all say concentrate on myself and reconsider this relationship.
Bad news is his mum is so green about the whole thing and doesn't realise the danger and how serious it is.
Like you say it says alot for their relationship and his tea is still on the table.
Thank you everyone, I am extremely gratefull. x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
My husband started out on coke and that led to meth. It's an addicting substance. Even if someone thinks they can do it recreationally, it's like playing Russian Roulette, imho. Someday, it's going to become a lot more than just a "fun time."
Send her here if she is at all interested in internet forums. We all will welcome her with open arms (and you too of course!)
Send her here if she is at all interested in internet forums. We all will welcome her with open arms (and you too of course!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 12
Meths?
I live in Manchester in the UK and most youngsters go clubbing, take pills, MDMA, Coke and smokes dope. I know of a few people who know sombody whos tried crack or heroin and there are obviously many people who regularly use is but i've never met anyone who does. But as for Meth I only ever heard of it on news a few months back when they were discussing the use of it over America and this Crystal meth. They showed pictures of people before and after.
I've just never ever heard of anyone taking it ever. Is it a new thing?
I live in Manchester in the UK and most youngsters go clubbing, take pills, MDMA, Coke and smokes dope. I know of a few people who know sombody whos tried crack or heroin and there are obviously many people who regularly use is but i've never met anyone who does. But as for Meth I only ever heard of it on news a few months back when they were discussing the use of it over America and this Crystal meth. They showed pictures of people before and after.
I've just never ever heard of anyone taking it ever. Is it a new thing?
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
