TryingSoHard

I was just upstairs looking up information from last year's tax return. The filing cabinet is in the game room, the room which has the (locked) liquor cabinet. My husband hid the keys to the cabinet 3 1/2 months ago when I told him I have a problem.

So what did I do just now? Found the keys and took them upstairs with me. Opened the liquor cabinet and stared at all the bottles still in there. Memorized their positioning so I could put them back exactly as they were. Pulled down a couple of bottles, opened them, and smelled the contents.

I really, really considered taking a few sips. Truth be told, I'm still considering it. But smelling the rum actually made my stomach turn. Smelling the amaretto and Godiva liqueur made me want to drink them both immediately. I smelled the rum again after those two just to get the nauseous feeling back as a deterrent.

I stood there for probably 3 full minutes, just staring at the bottles. Hands shaking, mind reeling, heart pounding. Then I locked the doors, came downstairs, put the keys back, poured myself a huge mug of coffee, and came here.

Today is Day 90. I should be happy. I should feel good. I should feel confident and proud. Instead I'm considering giving it all up and going back to where I was, lies and all.

WTF is wrong with me?

StrongBird

Nothing is wrong with you. Well, you're an alcoholic, but the important thing is you're RECOVERING. You are still sober. You didn't take a sip. It's going to tempt us, but you've learned how to stop from taking that first drink.

The coffee should help. I've got a big mug of tea for similar reasons. Stay here online and wait for the craving to pass. You don't need to drink, you do need to stay sober. You can do it!

coffeenut

There is NOTHING wrong with you! I am soooo proud of you for putting those bottles back.

Very early in sobriety I read somewhere to visualize that alcohol tastes like something that would turn your stomach. For me I visualized peroxide. While that isn't horrid, it certainly isn't something I'd want a belly full of!

About 2 months into sobriety, I accidently grabbed the wrong can and took a mouth full from a can that wasn't mine. It was my husbands beer. It DID taste like peroxide. I spit it out! I am now convince alcohol tastes like peroxide!

Trying, you are doing GREAT! Thanks for your post....it just made me smile!

Oh, and CONGRATS on day 90!

Mariposa18

Trying~ You did good. Came her and got away from that poison. Just keep thinking how long 90 Days is and how good you've been feeling. Stay here and read through posts, the feeling will pass~

Stay Strong, I know you can do this~

TryingSoHard

Coffee, that's a great idea. I will work on that. Thank you for the suggestion.

coffeenut

I'm glad you are okay with it! After I posted, I hoped is sounded the way I want it to.

Since my husband still drinks there is a LOT of alcohol in our house. I've used that technique and it has saved me numerous times. Like you, I have taken the lid off and enhaled deeply. And you know what, after time, it smells like peroxide, too. It really does.

90 days! WhooooooooooHooooooooooooo for you!

Omega Man

What's wrong with you? You think you got a monopoly on this thing? (trying to make you smile here)
I've got the same wrong with me, we're alcoholics.

And for what it's worth, I did almost the exact same thing on Saturday.
We had a million ants, the pesky little brown ones, in one of cabinets. So in the process of cleaning out the cabinet, I came across all our old bottles of liquor. Nasty stuff, all at least 8 yrs old, from our old house and stuff I would never drink - Creme de Coco, vermouth, etc.

You know how sick I am, I had to smell each and every one of them as I poured them down the sink. I even thought about sipping some of them but just kept pouring and then got on SR. It was a closer call than I'd like to admit.

I wasn't going to tell anyone but thanks for keeping me honest.

Horselover

90 days is too hard earned to pour down your throat. You can do this TSH. I am sure there's others around here that live with alcohol in their house. I don't unless relatives are visiting, but it leaves when they leave.

If there's something that's a big enough temptation to make you throw away your accrued sobriety, why have it in the house? Can you talk to your husband and maybe he would agree to only buy a small bottle when he "has" to have it in the home? Could he agree to have it only when you go out to a friend's house or out to dinner some place? I wish I could give better advice, but husband doesn't drink anymore either due to diabetes. (((TSH)))

Keep reaching out here - please.

James13

Good job! You overcame the temptation and realized things. Good for you!

That strengthens my hopes and dreams, about happiness and self love.

Much love to you!

flutter

Wow.. I don't know that I could do that. I am so very proud of you. There is NOTHING wrong with you, you're an alcoholic, and you made the best decision you possibly could have. I would have to pour it all out... noooooo way I could live in a house with booze and a key.

Way to go.. seriously.

Dee74

Not much I can add here TSH - you faced temptation and you stared it down. I wouldn't like to think what I might do in yr shoes and I'm a lot farther on than 90 days.

90 days can be hard - seems like a lifetime, but it's so short a time against the years we drank. One day at a time, one minute at a time if you need to - but it gets easier.

There's nothing worth revisiting in that wreckage. Nothing.

Dunno if this works for you, but when I struggle I usually try to get down to nuts and bolts - what do I want that alcohol to do for me?

why don't you feel confident and proud right now?

D

TryingSoHard

It worked!!

Wow. Thank you. I'm glad we both made it through our close calls.

Ananda

aw tsh....if he is supportive just tell him no more booze in the house (hug)

it's just too hard when it's hard to have it that handy.....i'm here if you wanna talk.....

You've come too far to give it up girl...hang on tight to your sobriety.

TryingSoHard

Yes, I can talk to him about it. I just haven't brought it up yet. He threw out some beers on Saturday, ones that I found in the mini-fridge upstairs. They've been there for months and they're not even a brand I like, but as soon as he found out they were up there, in the outside garbage they went. He says he doesn't drink anymore, as a sign of support for me. I'm pretty certain that if I'm out of town and he's home, or he's out of town without me, he will still drink - and that's ok with me. But he wants our home to be alcohol-free so if I ask him to ditch the remnants in the cabinet I know that he will.

TryingSoHard

Well, I'm not supposed to know where the key is. I'm a bad girl.

Ananda

I'm glad you are going to do that THS....you really want this and that helps alot..

TryingSoHard

Funny you ask that, Dee. Before I got the key and went upstairs, I sat here on the couch imagining the last time I drank. I was trying to remember how it felt, what I was thinking, and what I thought I'd get if I chose to do it again today. I still grabbed the key and went upstairs and opened that cabinet, but thankfully I put the bottles back without testing myself.

sigh. I don't know. We probably don't want to open that can of worms anyway.

Thanks, though, Dee. Seems like you always have something to say that I need to hear.

Pelican

I'm proud of you TSH!

90 days! Look at you! That is awesome!

I'm also proud of you for stepping away from the temptation and keeping it real and coming here. You've helped others as you reached out.

You helped me, too. I had 120 days last week. I did not feel confident and proud. I thought it would be like magic, wake up and be joy filled. Nadda. Zip. It was like every other day. I had to choose to make it special. I did eventually. I just chalked the experience up to being exhausted from the extreme holiday hours I was working. Now that I have read your post, I realize that 90 or 120 days looks just like 89 and 119 days. It's up to me to make it special.

You have accomplished so much! I appreciate your being here and sharing your day with us. I hope you treat yourself special today. Maybe something chocolate?!

Hugs and Smiles to you!

Anna

I'm glad you got through that.

I have been in a similar situation in the early days, and I'm glad we never have alcohol in the house.

TryingSoHard

Aw, Pelican, thank you so much. That post means a lot to me.

I made some Oreo Cookie Truffles last night - I think I will have some!!