Could Someone Remind Me..

Old 12-29-2008, 12:05 PM
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Could Someone Remind Me..

Could someone remind me...

-that it doesn't matter what other people think. If I'm unhappy it's ok to go
-that hitting me even once was and is not ok
-that not being on the same page about parenting and not being able to communicate effectively about that breakdown is not an ok way to raise a child
-that losing yourself to the tune of verbal abuse is not acceptable and you should find your way out
-it's not just the alcohol it's the behaivors that come with it
- 1 or 2 months good, doesn't make everything better..
-money is only money.. cut your loses and go

I've been reading a lot of threads today. All of which are reminding me of the wonderful things I've learned here, but have yet to impliment. I fear I'm falling not only into the victim roll, (but trying hard not to) but have completely lost myself. I just stay angry and on edge at home. The littlest things set me off. I feel like it's happening because I'm just so sick of being critisized at every turn that I just let everything tick me off. It's not healthy but I can't seem to control it. I spend so much time trying to tell myself, it's not that bad, it's getting better, it could be worse. Err.. I'm just so mad at myself for still being here and not having the courage to just leave. Why do I still think there will be a "right" time? I've read "Why does he do that" and many others, I see he fits these things to a T.. yet I continue to stay. I continue to be angry and have him make me feel like I'm the sick one.. I have anger issues. Well I'm sure I do.. I really need to break the cycle, I'm just so ambivilant. I know it's a dangerous place to be.

I guess I'm just looking for that broken record to keep playing until I truly get the point and save myself and my kids. Who cares if "it's not that bad". If I'm unhappy it's ok to go, it's my life and I shouldn't have to live it to please anybody but me. Now I just need to learn to play it through.
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Old 12-29-2008, 12:24 PM
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Originally Posted by isitme View Post
-it's not just the alcohol it's the behaivors that come with it
I would go even further and say:

It's not the alcohol at all, it's the behaviors.

Would you stay and put up with the things you put up with from someone who didn't drink? That's a question you may want to ask yourself.

L
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Old 12-29-2008, 12:30 PM
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isitme,

It could be that you're not taking action because the task is just too huge. It was for me -- a big huge ball of tangled spaghetti that I simply couldn't face.

I made progress by breaking it up into pieces
...getting a PO box and keeping that a secret
...setting up my own bank account with the statements going to my PO box
...putting away enough money, dollar by dollar, to get by
...reducing my living expenses and pocketing the extra (see above)
...discreetly reading the rental ads every week so I'd get an inner sense of what was available and for how much
............and so forth.

Taking any one of these small steps didn't commit me to leaving, but it made me feel a hundred times more powerful.

I also had to examine why I stayed -- what I got out of it. For me, my anger validated me, made me feel righteous, made me feel human (in the same way that cutters feel alive when they self-mutilate) It was how the women in my family had always lived, gossiping in the kitchen about how stupid and inconsiderate and mean their husbands were. Gossiping was enough - they'd never actually DO anything about it.

Until I admitted why I stayed - "what was in it for me" - then I was working against myself. And all the SR advice in the world couldn't budge me from that horrible situation.

Why do you think you stay?
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Old 12-29-2008, 12:30 PM
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Unfortunately.. yes.. I think I would. I guess I'm just weak when it comes to leaving relationships that are no good for me.
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Old 12-29-2008, 12:36 PM
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Nothing changes til you change it. So what can you change? What babystep forward are you willing and able to take?
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Old 12-29-2008, 12:38 PM
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Originally Posted by isitme View Post
Unfortunately.. yes.. I think I would. I guess I'm just weak when it comes to leaving relationships that are no good for me.
Thats strikes me as victim thinking.
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Old 12-29-2008, 01:04 PM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
isitme,

It could be that you're not taking action because the task is just too huge. It was for me -- a big huge ball of tangled spaghetti that I simply couldn't face.
That's exactly it, a big huge ball of tangled spaghetti!!
I really don't know why I stay. I guess all the usual reasons that I know are not reasons at all.. finances.. mostly cars loans, rent and the lease. I have also started to believe some of the baloney.. and I worry that it'll only get worse when I leave. I worry about losing the children or worse that he's right about my anger and the choices I make in raising them.

Our finances are already seperate because we are not married, so that part is fairly easy.. I guess I can't put my finger on what keeps me.. hope or stupidity. I guess I just don't want to seem like a quitter, like a failure. Even though I know doing the thing that's best for my kids and I is neither of those things.
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Old 12-29-2008, 01:13 PM
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i had to quit giving credibility to what my xah opinions were about me or anything else.


he didn't think rationally. he was wired differently. and he had me believing all the crap he spewed at me. living with him kept me frozen in time.

baby steps. the best steps ever. if i consider the whole picture with the alcoholic, it is so mind boggling that i do nothing.

but if i make one baby step a day, it empowers me to take another baby step.
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Old 12-29-2008, 01:27 PM
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I wish to god my mother had been a "quitter."

It would have saved me at least three decades of agony - abuse, low self-esteem, underachieving, and misery - and countless hours & dollars in therapy trying to put myself back together.

I know how you feel about 'giving up.' But sometimes you have to rethink those labels a little.
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Old 12-29-2008, 03:17 PM
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Originally Posted by isitme View Post
I guess I'm just weak when it comes to leaving relationships that are no good for me.
Here's the good news. THAT is YOUR behavior. Unlike HIS behaviors, YOU have the power to change yours.

L
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Old 12-30-2008, 08:43 AM
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Originally Posted by GiveLove View Post
I wish to god my mother had been a "quitter."

It would have saved me at least three decades of agony - abuse, low self-esteem, underachieving, and misery - and countless hours & dollars in therapy trying to put myself back together.

I know how you feel about 'giving up.' But sometimes you have to rethink those labels a little.
Thanks! This does make a lot of sense. I really want to do the right thing for my kids more than anything.

The hardest part for me at this point is that when I start to think about being on my own and how I can impliment a bed time, a no sugar past a certain time rule, a no tv in your room rule... and on and on I get excited. I feel like those things are really in a 3 year olds best interest and I certainly don't want her 2 month old brother following in her footsteps. I feel like if she had more consistancy and follow through with disipline and routines she would act more approprately.

Sure, that all sounds great.. but when your dealing with someone who comes and goes as they please and isn't on the same page as you.. all of those things get thrown out the window. When you try and try to impliment them you are told "your so mean to her". This one I can take a little.. I'm not trying to be mean, but she needs to know she does not run this household.

Or if we talk about seperating or just parenting in general.. I'm told you just want everything your way. I don't feel this is 100% true, but I do think having some plan.. anything besides a free for all or total inconsistancy is really a better solution to the behavior problems. And it seems we can't even have those conversations much less come to an agreement. Therefore I struggle with thinking about removing ourselves from the situation so I can impliment these things. Is that just selfish? (Of it doesn't help that I'm constantly told this too) I'm sure it might sound silly, but I do worry about that. Am I too hard on her, is it purely selfish to want to be the only one making rules in my home? (Since we can't make any together)
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Old 12-30-2008, 08:57 AM
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Its unbelievable hard, that is true, and I find myself in a similar situation, but without kids. I can see how children make this situation so much more difficult, and puts a lot of pressure on you. You are here at these forums and you are learning and that is a major step, but it sounds like you know that its time to make the next, even bigger one. I say that because you seem to know what you need to do and that your trapped in your thoughts. I think GiveLove is right, small steps in the right direction. I wish you the best, your in my thoughts and prayers...
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Old 12-30-2008, 09:04 AM
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How about YOU isitme- what do YOU want? How do YOU want to live? I find that when I think about me- when I do the next right thing for me- dd benefits. In living in the chaos with STBXAH I think dd suffered and was getting too many bad ideas about how women should behave, how married couples act, how fathers behave, etc. When I take care of myself her life is instantly better.
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Old 12-30-2008, 09:11 AM
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That's so true Paj.. I guess I need to let go of that "selfish" title too.

DD did two things over the holiday that tell me she knows what I'm trying to do..

First, I had tried to impliment said bed time I was talking about.. we were doing alright. But when dad comes home she always gets out of bed and screws up the whole thing. Well one night he just wanted her to go lay down so he turned on her tv.. well she came into the bed room taddling on him..hahahah Mommy.. daddy turned on my tv and I'm not supposed to watch tv all night.. HILARIOUS.. however I had to contain that one so that I didn't seem like I was going against his words because I get super ticked when he does that to me.

#2.. We were in the grocery store on Chirstmas Eve - It's NUTS in there.. I have a 3 year old and a baby with me. He calls to ask me to get some beer too. So we head over there and she asks what Daddy wants. I said beer... Then my little 3 year old says.. I wish Daddy would stop drinking so many beers! I don't know if she just hears me complaining about it at home or what, but it floored me.
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Old 12-30-2008, 09:13 AM
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Oh- and to answer your initial questions:

The single biggest thing I have learned is that what I need is important- regardless of what anyone else says, thinks, or does. If I am there for me in the best possible sense, if I do the next right thing for myself, that is not selfish. It is what I have to do to take care of myself. Sometimes what I do upsets the apple cart- so to speak. Shaking things up may rock someone else's world, but if the status quo is hurting me or my child, I do what I need to do in the situation and let it be. So- back to my question isitme- What do YOU want?
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Old 12-30-2008, 09:25 AM
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Originally Posted by isitme View Post
Then my little 3 year old says.. I wish Daddy would stop drinking so many beers! I don't know if she just hears me complaining about it at home or what, but it floored me.
Please pay attention to this! Your 3 yo KNOWS daddy is drunk. No, she doesn't have the same understanding of this that adults do but yes, she does understand on her own 3 yo level. And she is learning that this is what adults do, this is how adult males behave, that this is what a husband does.

Do you want her to learn these lessons? Or do you want to break the cycle right now?
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Old 12-30-2008, 09:35 AM
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Originally Posted by isitme View Post
I really want to do the right thing for my kids more than anything.
Then let that be your motivation. You cannot be an effective parent if you are an emotional wreck. I know this because my children lived with two dysfunctional parents for years. My kids were 12 and 8 when we separated. If I have any regrets, it's that I didn't do something sooner. They each saw a therapist for a year and a half after the separation. They are doing okay, but still have many issues. If I had it to do over, I would have removed them from the chaos and uncertainty when they were younger.

L
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Old 12-30-2008, 09:37 AM
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I do want to break the cycle. I remember growing up and seeing my parents drunk. It's no fun. And I certainly don't want her to think it's ok for a man to treat anyone the way he sometimes does. I also think the craziness effects my abily to be the best and most level headed parent I can be.

What do I want? I've had to think about this to really figure it out. It's not really a case of I want to stay or I want out.. I just really want a FAMILY. One that does things together, one that goes places. I want a relationship with some compassion.. so what if I can be overly emotional sometimes. He should just be there for me in those times. I want a dad that is invoved with his kids.. doesn't just like the status of being a dad and buys his way through the rest of it.

As I'm typing this I can see that a lot of what he accuses me of are really his problems. He gets mad if I show to many people pictures.. says I just had kids to show them off. No, that's actually him. I can pretty much count on one hand the times he's held his newborn son.. and it's only been when other people where there to see it.

Plus I have to admit I don't see much point in staying in this relationship if after 5 years I can't say I would marry him. Now I'm not in a rush to get married by any means but i would think after 5 years and two kids if it were going to work we would have made that commitment. To me, not wanting to have that seems like we are just going nowhere.. we are glorified roomates and that's not what I want out of a relationship. Quite frankly I don't think I want any relationship right now except with my kids and the people who truely cherish my friendship.
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Old 12-30-2008, 09:39 AM
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Originally Posted by LaTeeDa View Post
You cannot be an effective parent if you are an emotional wreck.
L
How ironic that you would say this as I was typing it..
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Old 12-30-2008, 09:54 AM
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Originally Posted by isitme View Post
What do I want? I've had to think about this to really figure it out. It's not really a case of I want to stay or I want out.. I just really want a FAMILY. One that does things together, one that goes places. I want a relationship with some compassion.. so what if I can be overly emotional sometimes. He should just be there for me in those times. I want a dad that is invoved with his kids.. doesn't just like the status of being a dad and buys his way through the rest of it.
What do you want for YOU? Not what do you want from him. Not what do you want him to be/do/act like. Not what do you want FROM SOMEONE ELSE. What do you want for YOU?

L
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