cessy68

As you all know, I'm on the verge of kicking out my abf- have been trying to 'detatch' and we have all talked about that.

With that being said, I have been doing realitvly well, basically ignoring his behavior, and setting my boundries.

One of my boundries, is to not allow his addiction to directly impact MY life and happiness- this is where things are getting sticky for me.

Any help you can offer will be helpful.

This a.m.... he must be out of his pills. I've suffered through 2 sleepless nights, because he must be experiencing some affects of the pills- he is exhibiting sleep apnea- (LOUD snoring- with no breaths for 10 sec. in between) It's keeping me up.

Night sweats, with him wakeing me saying his heart is 'freaking out'..... but refuses to go to the doc/or hospital.

He sleeps much later than he used to- now I get ready for work and am out of the house before he is up. (we used to get up together, I'd make coffee- while he showered... blaba bla.)

With the recent shift in his behavior, I get up by myself- and get ready etc.

TODAY- here is the part I need help with (but wanted u to know the background) I got up - was in the bathroom- when he yelled from the bed "YOU ARE HOGGING THE BATHROOM- EVERY DAY - I HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOU... WHILE YOU GET READY FOR ALL THE GUYS YOU WORK WITH- THIS IS F***** RIDICIOULOUS!!!!!!!!!"

I told him to kiss my ***!! And left for work.

I tried calling him, and when he finally returned my calls- I told him I refused to walk on eggshells with him anylonger. He actually attempted to justify saying what he said.- I tried to cut him off and tell him that his health is suffering- and his moods are out of control, and I wasn't going to allow a man in my life to talk to me like that.

I told him that this is a direct result of his addiction- and It wasn't fair to have me be the brunt of his moodiness.....

He just kept cutting me off- telling me that HE walks on eggshells, that he wanted to get in the bathroom - that I take too long, that I told him to kiss my *** and had no right to say that.....

I can't talk to him.

Talking dosen't work.

I tried not to go round and round with him-

But trying to enforce my boundries of refuseing to be talked to like that - caused me to have a discussion that went NOWHERE!!!!!

What do I do?? I don't know where to turn. I leave these conversations trying to figure out how I could have handled it differently.

I was attempting to not tell him to LEAVE- because he always says I just 'throw him out' like it's nothing.....

I feel so stuck. I can't talk about anything with him- (unless he's high- and in a good mood) Ignoring it - isn't working- because I have to live day to day with dr. jeckyl and mr. hyde. I don't feel comfortable asking him to just LEAVE, I'm not comfortable having him there- and dealing with all of the above constantly......

Please, any insight?? I'm frightend, scared, sad, angry, bitter, resentful, and sad sad sad.... all wrapped up in one. I am back to questioning MYSELF- I don't understand why my brain is playing tricks on me.

I'm assuming it's because I'm still trying to find a shred of evidence that it's worth hanging on.....

Thankyou all for listening to me again. I feel like a burden- I'm grateful for your patience with me - while I walk through this very long, hurtful process.
Love
Cessy

Chino

Having a conversation as a consequence is words, not action.

If we expect action, not words, from them, should we hold ourselves to the same standard?

cessy68

chino, what 'action' do I take- by his verbal venom- due to his mood swings????

I don't understand what 'action' I take?

Anvilhead, I know it sounds like a verbal war- I usually don't engage- however this a.m. I couldn't believe that I was getting that treatment out of the blue!!! I felt like I got suckerpunched.... and had no choice but to swing back. Usually that dosen't happen- I see his moods and stay away.....

As far as my fears- I know what they are--- I'm simply afraid that if I ask him to leave- I will miss the old guy I used to know, second guess myself, and want him to come back.... I don't want to go through that pain-

Of having him gone- and thinking I did something wrong- and second guessing myself.
thanks,
Cessy

winnie12

The word games are always the hardest and i've felt that many times they are at their worst when the addict is clean. They cant seem to live with the unclouded thoughts and seem to attack their hardest at that point between being high and being clean. I remember one time when i was steam cleaning the carpet in my son's bedroom. I only had the machine for 24 hours and had to get it done. He cussed me up and down like a dog the entire time telling me to get out of his room - he kept pulling the cord out of the wall. At that point i realized the insanity - seriously, who would cuss out someone for cleaning their carpet??? So I started humming a tune and just kept replugging it in until he gave up - his carpet smelled and i wanted it clean before the funk hit the rest of the house. It was a small room so only took about 10 minutes to complete and i just sang a happy song and smiled the whole time. But they sure do make you question if you're the crazy one while its going on.

hello-kitty

Cessy. Reading your new book might be a great place to start to learn about taking action. That's an action.

I also suggest a list of boundaries. Have you written one yet? I know that it's been suggested several times. If you are ready to take action. It's great to start by writing down the actions you are going to take...

Write down what kind of behavior is acceptable to you. Is verbal venom? What if it was someone else (like your best girlfriend or a stranger on the street) and they treated you with such venomous disregard? How would you react? Would you hang up on them? Walk away? File a restraining order?

Draw boundaries for the kind of behavior and treatment you will accept for yourself in this life and then write down the actions you will take

EXAMPLE of what I am talking about:

I am a good person who deserves to be treated with respect. I will not allow someone to be verbally abusive to me. When someone is verbally abusive, I will discontinue my conversation with them immediately. I will hang up. I will leave the house. I will do whatever is necessary not to talk to them. And once the conversation is discontinued, I will not call them back to engage in more verbal warfare until as such time that I see fit, if ever.

This is about you. Not him. You can't change him. But you can change yourself and what you get out of life...

You already miss the guy you used to know. You are already second guessing yourself. You are already in pain. What's really to lose? Sounds like a paralyzing fear of the unknown to me. Trust me when I say things will get better once you make changes. If they don't, no one says you can't go back to the way things are right now - allowing youself to be sucker punched by the "man" who is supposed to love and cherish you...

cassandra2

Cess,

I hear you on the round and round. Its like banging your head against the wall. Today I had a small victory. I asked my ex to come and get the rest of his things. Went picked him up and everything (tired of his excuses). He was a total jerk. Very petty.

He took cups, pots and pans, books, he even wanted the pics that I had in a collage of the family. He even went as far as taking the dart board HE bought ME last xmas.

And ya know what. I said nothing. I didnt react. I calmly took the pics that he wanted out of the frames. Gave him the stack. I didnt say a word about the dart board. He even went as far as to say that he was coming back for the baby's crib. He asked if I had heard him and I just smiled and said ya I heard you.

This ISNT about YOU or ME in my situation. This is about them. THEY have the problem. I didnt react because reacting even negatively makes them feel that they have won. They are still in control because they can get a rise out of you.

Your bf knew that you would call and he knew that you would keep calling if he didnt answer. He knew you would react. That is called pushing your buttons. I know it sucks but that is they only way they feel that they can hurt us. They are the ones hurting. Why are they self medicating with drugs? Why are they in denial about their problem?

To top it off there were 3 empty beer bottles on my counter waiting to go out to the recycler thingy and he made not just one comment about my "drinking" but several. He even started giving me a lecture about how he at one time was irresponsible with drinking but felt that I shouldnt be doing in because I was here alone with the kids and what if something happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They FREAKING ADDICT IS EXPRESSING CONCERN ABOUT 3 BOTTLES OF BEER!!!!!

That is manipulation he used to do it when he lived here. I told him I didnt have a problem with drinking. I told him that I knew what my limits were and that it was ok for me to drink a few beers.

Now here is the worse part I AM TRYING TO RATIONAL MY BEHAVIOR TO SOMEONE WHO IS CHOOSING TO STILL BE AN ADDICT. Whether he is clean or not I dont know but he aint working a program here and I know this. So there is the round and round that they put you through.

I know its tought hon, but you HAVE TO COMPELETLY LET GO. Dont argue. Dont explain. Dont talk. You have to for your own sanity.

Blackrose56

My ex used to play the same games. His doc was crack and crack made him paranoid. There was always another man or I was dressing up to look nice for the guys at work. I was aways cheating on him. (Even though he knew where I was 24/7) And then it turned violent. Addicts can become violent in a heartbeat and that is the danger. You said he was out of pills...that can make him angry. If he's trying to quit (don't know your full story and is doing it with NO help...that will make him angry. I finally had to throw my ex out. And yes, it has not been easy. About 6 months ago he called me and again I hoped that maybe the man I loved was coming back...but if anything he is worse. The truth I have to face is without some PROGRAM of recovery and a few months under his belt...the man I love no longer exists.

Everything you describe is life with an addict.

cessy68

Hi everyone, and thankyou all for responding again.

I will TRY to be breif,

I sent the abf a text telling him today that I truely felt it was time for us to say goodbye.

I told him that the man I loved mad a lot of promises, and he is no longer there to fulfill them. I told him that the quality of life that I was shareing with him, went down the tubes due to his drug addiciton. I told him that I was unwilling to live like that anymore.

I told him I was no longer, going to love a memory or a ghost of what used to be.

I didn't hear back from him, but i presume he went to the house while I am working and gathered his things.

I think that this is of some sort of sick relief to him.

We have been through this before-which is why I joined SR to begin with.

I was TRYING to gain strength to ask him to leave - on my terms, and be done with it so to not to repeat our on and off again cycle.

What happend today- isn't the way I planned on ending things, and I hope I'm strong enough (if indeed he's gone) to stay away from him.

I believe, as I said before, this may come as a relief to him, he will go get a hotel for a few days, say he's looking for a place (maybe this time he really will) and he will have the opportunity to BLAME me saying, that I WALKED OUT ON HIM, AND TOLD HIM TO LEAVE.

He will then be able to party with his friends, and not hear the nagging, he can sleep when he wants and function when he wants.... with no pain in the butt girlfriend on his ***.

In the meantime, I will be devestated, I will be sad, that I lost a man that I loved so much.

I loved so deeply , that I will admitt to you all, that at times when he was high, i like him. He acted like the old guy i knew.

When he was high, he had energy, would make me laugh, dance with me in the kitchen, play with the kids, he would work hard, and bring me coffee to work.....

That was how he was before the pills came along. I delt with the demons of his addiction (the times like this a.m.) ..... to hang on to the good guy I used to know, and that would TRICK me and show up once and a while while he was high.

I'm hopeing that I'm not sounding too pathetic, just being honest with myself, and all of you, so that I can truely walk through this very painfull journey, and PERHAPS this time- follow it through.

I'm frightened- to go home. To see all of his things gone. To feel that I coulda, woulda had done something different, that perhaps it could have, would have got better......

I know deep down that is not the truth, and that the bad was out weighing the bad.

I'm trying to get my self esteem in tact, and tell myself that I deserved much,much, more.

but my word, I can't begin to describe the pain.....

I miss him already, and feel guilty already.

Sorry,
Love,
Cessy

winnie12

I think its the idea of the one we love and not so much them that we miss. We picture who they were or who they could be instead of facing the fact of who they really are. Once we accept the fact that the person they are today is who they are it all becomes a lot easier. Its lonely but then again its pretty lonely having them around. Once the peace of having your life back starts to set in it will get easier.

I told my best friend one time i was scared of something - she laughed and said then you have to do it - you should do something that scares you everyday. Its invigorating to do that and will do wonders to heal your self esteem. So if you dont like to be alone - go out to a nice dinner or a movie by yourself. If you feel shy around strangers go somewhere and start up a conversation with a complete stranger. Nothing dangerous of course - just something to boost your spirits and let you know that you are in control of your fears. Sit in your car in traffic, dance and sing at the top of your lungs until you make some person in another car laugh. Smiling and laughter truly are the best medicine so find some excuse to laugh and the pain wont seem so overwhelming.

cessy68

Thanks winnie- hmmmm, funny though, I am not afraid of being alone, I go out alot on my own, (and have lots of friends and family when I don't want to go solo)-

I sing (used to be in a band) so I am a karaoke junkie now.......and love to dance...

I do lots of voulenteer work, love talking to strangers, and homeless people......


The ONLY thing I'm reallly afraid of - is sitting in traffic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol. IM NOT KIDDING,,,, I HAVE A HORRIBLE FEAR , OF BEING TRAPPED IN TRAFFIC- like i'm going to have a panic attack!!!! lol. SOOOO funny, never thought of singing and dancing in a car in traffic...... i'm usually hyperventilating gripping the wheel.....lol.

thought you'd find that funny.... cause you made me laugh, thanks, Cessy.

winnie12

Well then Cessy its now an official challange for you to sit in traffic and sing your little karaoke heart out!!!!!!!! I'm thinking show tunes but that's just my thoughts on the subject....

bluebelle

Cessy, When I went through the break-up with my last boyfriend, I kept a journal to record my feelings. It helped me because I was able to gradually see over time that I was getting better. At first, I couldn't imagine doing anything without him. Everything in town reminded me of him. I remember that I even started crying at the grocery store!! The good news is that things did get better. I spent time with friends, and got active with working hard, taking classes, and exercising. Spoil yourself!! Enjoy being able to have peace in your bathroom. Take a long bath with candles, etc.

BTW, I hate getting stuck in traffic, too!! I don't really get panicked, I just worry about it. I've been stuck for hours before, and wouldn't want to go through it again.

Cassandra, that's good advice to try something scary each day! That's good for me, because I have a tendency to be anxious. So, a little bit at a time helps--esp. talking with strangers, going into a situation where there are a lot of new people, etc.

suemarie

Cessy,

Hi Cess, How he used to treat you sounded just like my ex! He was such a delightful person, always cracking jokes, made people laugh, he loved music and dancing, Loved to cook me up meals ( even if the recipe was made up in his little mind, ) I never said anything bad about it. He too would bring me coffee at work or bring me lunch. He always made me feel so special and loved, then when the crack demon came back, my ex suddenly was a different person. So I can relate to what you saying.

Its like living with two different people within one body and each day you don't know which person you are going to greet. It's amazing how someone great in thier life is standing right in front of them and they can't see it. All they see is the drug.

I know the pain your feeling all too well. I have never felt so beytrayed in my whole life by a man I loved.

I think you will do fine with the breakup since you have been through this before and the fact that you have friends and family to support you, so hang in there, the sting of it will soon be gone for you.


((Hugs))

howareyounow

cessy,
I have the same thing going on.
I'm just sitting here, for hours ...waiting....for what I don't know...
He wont pick up his phone. He is probably happy I kicked him out.
Where is he? ...It's freaking me out so much....
I have millions of scenerios....
I know I 'should' just let it go .....HOW THE HELL DO I LET GO OF 8 YEARS OF MARRIAGE IN 4 DAYS.!

cessy68

Hey everyone,
thankyou for responding. It helps to hear like some have written, that they know what I'm talking about.

How do you let go of 8yrs? Gosh- I truely have no idea. I guess I have kindof started thinking like others here have asked me too.....

I think how long has he been gone anyway-(the guy I used to know before drugs)

I think (and this one is big for me) how LONG am I willing to compromise MY life, MY happiness, MY goals, MY health, MY WRINKLES (LOL) - by dealing with the strain and stress living with an addict creates......

I was in Tampa this summer- and I couldn't figure out why all these random people were meeting at the hotel where I was staying....most individuals were older, some younger, but most looked akward and uncomfortable. Long story short, as I was sitting by the pool, I started noticing some tee shirts... they said "single at sea" on them. Yep - all these random people from all over the u.s. meeting, trying to find love on a singles cruise.

I decided (and I visuaized it then, with my abf next to me sleeping on a lounge chair) that I was unwilling to find myself - strained, tired, and at sea, looking for love at 60 because I wasted my 30's and now, (going into the 40 brakcet) on a man, who is uncapable of giving me the love I deserve.

The choice is up to all of us.

I also keep going back to the saying.... "when the pain of staying, becomes worse then the pain of leaving- that's when you will be ready to say goodbye for good".

I'm still haveing bad days, and it's a battle, especially since he hasn't left yet. However, I am preparing everyday, for the moment of goodbye.

I hope it comes soon, oil of olay isn't cutting it.....

Thank you all for your constant guidence, empathy and support.

Love,
Cessy

Callie

[QUOTE=cessy68;2046261I was in Tampa this summer- and I couldn't figure out why all these random people were meeting at the hotel where I was staying....most individuals were older, some younger, but most looked akward and uncomfortable. Long story short, as I was sitting by the pool, I started noticing some tee shirts... they said "single at sea" on them. Yep - all these random people from all over the u.s. meeting, trying to find love on a singles cruise.

[/QUOTE]

Wow - that is so true! I am 37 and about to start my life over as a single mom. I'm scared to death of it, but more scared of being in the same situation in 20 years. AH and I have been together for 21 years and married for almost 14. It's a scary place out there alone - but it can't be worse than what my own private he(( because of addiction.