kv816

I've been reading through many posts on here the last few days about what everyone is going through (so sorry for everyone's struggles yet somewhat relieved by knowing I'm not going through them alone).

Anyway. The posts have really got me to thinking about my own situation and what I need to do to make it better, or keep me sane anyway.

And it dawned on me today that my BF is SOOO much easier to deal with and live with and be around when he is drinking. He's still a jerk, don't get me wrong (mean drunk). But he's almost twice as mean when he's gone a few days without drinking. And then when he does finally get that drink he's been craving he gets three times meaner.

So I'm stuck wondering what to do. I certainly don't want to be an enabler. I want him to sober up (I've been with him sober and he is so perfect weeks, months into it). And the fact that he easily goes through a case a day scares the crap out of me--what happens a few years from now as far as his health goes? I definitely don't want to be part of the reason for what happens then.

But on the other hand, the only time we ever really get into it fighting and screaming and things flying through the house at each other is when he doesn't have a drink or when he's getting back up on that high after going days without one.

This probably sounds so stupid to some of you. I'm just confused. I want the guy I met over a year ago--the happy, full of smiles and laughter, sober one. The one I could talk to, the one I wasn't afraid of.

GiveLove

I'm sorry, kv, but that guy you fell in love with may or may not be coming back. That's why we ALL stay, at least why I did: I kept remember the person he could be, the person he was part of the time before. I was in love with the POTENTIAL of him, and was in complete denial of the person who was standing right in front of me, who was a deceptive mean drunk who made my life stressful and chaotic.

Are you in love with the person that he is NOW? The mean drunk/mean sober guy? Does he admit he has a problem? Is he even trying?

You might consider reading this, from the Sticky posts at the top of the forum:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...potential.html

It's hard to separate what is from what could be. But it's like living your whole life settling for "potential happiness". Are you okay with a life like that?

Hugs to you -- I know this is a hard place to be, 'cause I've been there.

Taking5

Has he ever considered AA?

kv816

GiveLove.....you have no idea how many times I've asked myself if it's HIM I'm in love with or if it's the memory. I have told myself a dozen times that I should go now while I still like him. Cause I'd rather love him living without him than hate him living together.

Dgillz......he's still at the "why do I need AA, I don't have a drinking problem" stage. He says he doesn't have a drinking problem, it's me who has a problem with his drinking. A couple days ago he said it could be worse--he could be into hard liquor or drugs or whatnot. It's just beer so I should be happy.

And I guess that's what bugs me the most. I can't talk to him anymore. I can't tell him what I'm feeling or thinking. If a conversation doesn't involve "hey baby here's some beer" than he's not interested anymore.

Barbara52

Only you can decide whether the life you ahve now is the life you want. Don't assume it will change, especially since he doesn't see that he has a problem. Are you content and happy with your life together?

You cannot change him, control him or cure him. But you can change the way you undertand alcoholism, change the way you react, set boundaries for acceptable behavior and set actions you are willing to take if he violates those boundaries.

I could not live with a man who refused to admit to and deal with his alcoholism. Leaving and divorcing was the best optin for me. But there are those who stay.