Living with an alcoholic father
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 38
Living with an alcoholic father
Hi,
I am 18 years-old, and I have been living with an alcoholic father for 18 years, along with my mother. My dad is stubborn and selfish, drinking or not. If things don't go his way, he gets upset. We can tell him that his drinking bothers us, but their just words he chooses to ignore because I think he doesn't want to admit he has a drinking problem. He hangs out a lot, and while he is out, we sit around tense, stressing about how he will come home or what will his attitude be like. He is verbally abusive, and the next day he acts as if he has done nothing wrong. He also has an issue keeping jobs; If he is not receiving the money he thought he would get, he will quit and stay unemployed for months; while my mom has to pay for everything, like she has been doing their whole marriage. He is basically getting free rent with no remorse. My mom tells him he needs to help pay for bills, but he doesn't and gets mad if you keep talking about him following through with this or that. On top of that, he has a bad habit of asking my mom for money, knowing she doesn't have money to give; when he is only going to use it while hanging out or on beer.
Me and my dad don't communicate; We never did because I know how he is, and I'm not trying to deal with someone like that. He lies, can't be trusted to follow through, and basically takes the family for granted. I am extremely close with my mom, because we have been through dealing with dad together. She was the only parent I can actually talk to without it backfiring against me when he has been drinking; which is why I don't tell my dad anything. He acts like cares, but he is fooling himself.
Me and my mom are at the point of finding answers by calling al-anon hot lines, and joining forums for families dealing with alcoholics. Our goal in 2009, is to find ways to stay positive despite the negative situations we face.
I am 18 years-old, and I have been living with an alcoholic father for 18 years, along with my mother. My dad is stubborn and selfish, drinking or not. If things don't go his way, he gets upset. We can tell him that his drinking bothers us, but their just words he chooses to ignore because I think he doesn't want to admit he has a drinking problem. He hangs out a lot, and while he is out, we sit around tense, stressing about how he will come home or what will his attitude be like. He is verbally abusive, and the next day he acts as if he has done nothing wrong. He also has an issue keeping jobs; If he is not receiving the money he thought he would get, he will quit and stay unemployed for months; while my mom has to pay for everything, like she has been doing their whole marriage. He is basically getting free rent with no remorse. My mom tells him he needs to help pay for bills, but he doesn't and gets mad if you keep talking about him following through with this or that. On top of that, he has a bad habit of asking my mom for money, knowing she doesn't have money to give; when he is only going to use it while hanging out or on beer.
Me and my dad don't communicate; We never did because I know how he is, and I'm not trying to deal with someone like that. He lies, can't be trusted to follow through, and basically takes the family for granted. I am extremely close with my mom, because we have been through dealing with dad together. She was the only parent I can actually talk to without it backfiring against me when he has been drinking; which is why I don't tell my dad anything. He acts like cares, but he is fooling himself.
Me and my mom are at the point of finding answers by calling al-anon hot lines, and joining forums for families dealing with alcoholics. Our goal in 2009, is to find ways to stay positive despite the negative situations we face.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hey jtr, welcome! This is a great place to find on your search. There are a lot of resources in the "Sticky" posts at the top of the forum's first page, and of course lots of support, ideas, etc. from the people who form the community here.
As I'm sure you've noticed, unless an alcoholic admits he has a problem and wants to seek recovery, there's little or nothing you can do to convince him. I think you and your mom are wise to start taking the first steps toward controlling the part of the equation you CAN control -- you two, and how you deal with it all.
I'm so glad you have each other! BOTH of my parents were alcoholics and it was really hard. Al-anon was really helpful to me in arming myself with knowledge about alcoholism and how to cope with it....I'll bet you and your mom will get a lot out of it too, along with the support you'll get out of it.
Take care and hang in there
GL
As I'm sure you've noticed, unless an alcoholic admits he has a problem and wants to seek recovery, there's little or nothing you can do to convince him. I think you and your mom are wise to start taking the first steps toward controlling the part of the equation you CAN control -- you two, and how you deal with it all.
I'm so glad you have each other! BOTH of my parents were alcoholics and it was really hard. Al-anon was really helpful to me in arming myself with knowledge about alcoholism and how to cope with it....I'll bet you and your mom will get a lot out of it too, along with the support you'll get out of it.
Take care and hang in there
GL
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 196
Hi JTR -
Your story is exactly like mine was. Now I am 39 and just learning to deal with it. So you are way ahead of the game.
Please continue to use Alanon as a resource with your mom.
You are in NO WAY responsible for your dad's actions. Neither is your mom. Your dad is a grown-up and makes his own decisions.
You may want to look up how to "disengage". That has helped me tremendously in dealing with my alcoholic father (and now my alcoholic husband).
Keep posting here. You're certainly not alone.
Best wishes.
S
Your story is exactly like mine was. Now I am 39 and just learning to deal with it. So you are way ahead of the game.
Please continue to use Alanon as a resource with your mom.
You are in NO WAY responsible for your dad's actions. Neither is your mom. Your dad is a grown-up and makes his own decisions.
You may want to look up how to "disengage". That has helped me tremendously in dealing with my alcoholic father (and now my alcoholic husband).
Keep posting here. You're certainly not alone.
Best wishes.
S
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
jtr,
I applaud you and your mom for taking action. You are already on the right track as you know you can't change your dad's behavior. You can still tell him, or try anyway, that you care for him and hope he seeks help. Yet, as stated so well by timeforme and givelove, you have to set the boundaries and separate yourself from his insanity.
Make sure you check out alateen meetings as well as alanon. Many of us wish that wonderful resource was around when we were growing up. If only my mother had done what your mom is doing, instead of following my dad into alcoholism.
And may the new year go well for both of you.
I applaud you and your mom for taking action. You are already on the right track as you know you can't change your dad's behavior. You can still tell him, or try anyway, that you care for him and hope he seeks help. Yet, as stated so well by timeforme and givelove, you have to set the boundaries and separate yourself from his insanity.
Make sure you check out alateen meetings as well as alanon. Many of us wish that wonderful resource was around when we were growing up. If only my mother had done what your mom is doing, instead of following my dad into alcoholism.
And may the new year go well for both of you.
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