why is this happening now?........................
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
why is this happening now?........................
My boyfriend and i went to get a couple of bits before we go away for new year yesterday evening.
He bought himself 4 cans of 6% cider which didnt make me happy but as he said he didnt have to drink them all, so i just thought 'whatever'.
I left him to go home and i went back to my mums to sort all my washing and get my case packed ready for monday.
So i was talking with him online at 11pm and he suddenley dissappeared, i presumed he'd gone to bed.
He tells me half an hour ago that his sister turned up and took him back to his mum and dads house to spend some time with them. At that time of night?????? I doubt that very much!
They NEVER go to his house and at xmas they were all asleep by 9pm because of too much food and drink. So i dont feel i believe this 'story'.
Plus i find out he drank all the cider he had bought, which he admitted was too much but he got mad when i said i thought he shouldnt of done it.
He said' i just wanted to relax' OMG!
Have i just spent 4yrs of hell and him getting to a point were he was telling me he didnt need to drink to relax anymore ,to hear that AGAIN!!!
I feel like im banging my head on a brick wall, im the crazy one for even bringing it up and hes 'so upset right now' because ive questioned his drinking.
Oh and apparently i need to 'loosen up'!!!!!!!!!!!
I really am not looking forward to my holiday now cos i know theres gonna be this atmosphere and i'll be worried about this drinking.
He doesnt drink HALF as much as he did but the odd drunk episode STILL gets to me and i wish he could understand.
im so fed up with all this bulls**t.
He bought himself 4 cans of 6% cider which didnt make me happy but as he said he didnt have to drink them all, so i just thought 'whatever'.
I left him to go home and i went back to my mums to sort all my washing and get my case packed ready for monday.
So i was talking with him online at 11pm and he suddenley dissappeared, i presumed he'd gone to bed.
He tells me half an hour ago that his sister turned up and took him back to his mum and dads house to spend some time with them. At that time of night?????? I doubt that very much!
They NEVER go to his house and at xmas they were all asleep by 9pm because of too much food and drink. So i dont feel i believe this 'story'.
Plus i find out he drank all the cider he had bought, which he admitted was too much but he got mad when i said i thought he shouldnt of done it.
He said' i just wanted to relax' OMG!
Have i just spent 4yrs of hell and him getting to a point were he was telling me he didnt need to drink to relax anymore ,to hear that AGAIN!!!
I feel like im banging my head on a brick wall, im the crazy one for even bringing it up and hes 'so upset right now' because ive questioned his drinking.
Oh and apparently i need to 'loosen up'!!!!!!!!!!!
I really am not looking forward to my holiday now cos i know theres gonna be this atmosphere and i'll be worried about this drinking.
He doesnt drink HALF as much as he did but the odd drunk episode STILL gets to me and i wish he could understand.
im so fed up with all this bulls**t.
Hi Sam.....
I'm sorry you are going through all of this. You are allowed to set up some personal boundaries for yourself and your sanity. Just remember, you don't have to spend the holidays with him.....there is no law saying you must continue to put up with the verbal abuse. What is it YOU want to do? What will make YOU happy?
Good luck!
HG
I'm sorry you are going through all of this. You are allowed to set up some personal boundaries for yourself and your sanity. Just remember, you don't have to spend the holidays with him.....there is no law saying you must continue to put up with the verbal abuse. What is it YOU want to do? What will make YOU happy?
Good luck!
HG
(((sam79)))
I can totally relate to the double standards put forth by our alcoholics. My stbXRAH would always admit it was "too much", but if I ever agreed with him or let him know how his "too much" upset me, I was being naggy or condescending or uptight.
You say you are "fed up with all the bull..." My question to you is, "Are you really?" A few thoughts/quotes that brought me out of that position to where I am now are the following:
"When the pain of your current situation outweighs the fear of leaving, you will leave."
"When you remain in a relationship with someone who continues to hurt you, it is YOUR choice to stay. If you set a boundary for yourself and what matters to you, and your SO cannot respect that, you are allowing them to continue hurting you or disrespecting you by staying in the relationship. That is your choice."
If you haven't already, go up in the "Stickies" section of this forum and read the one called "The Pain Stops". That one moved me SO much. It was if the words were extracted from my own heart.
You may also want to read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I purchased my copy on Amazon. It explains a lot about abuse. My husband is not the type who would shout, hit, or name call. He was a manipulative sort. He managed to convince me all the problems with us were because of me. He would turn everything upside-down in my head, and I would begin to believe him. This book is helping me IMMENSELY sort through the confusion he caused me - and it seems like you might be experiencing some of this yourself.
(((sam79))) Turn your eyes back on yourself - YOU. What do YOU need for YOU that YOU can provide? Don't try looking to your ABF or to "the doctor"... look to your own heart, your own mind. *hugs*
I can totally relate to the double standards put forth by our alcoholics. My stbXRAH would always admit it was "too much", but if I ever agreed with him or let him know how his "too much" upset me, I was being naggy or condescending or uptight.
You say you are "fed up with all the bull..." My question to you is, "Are you really?" A few thoughts/quotes that brought me out of that position to where I am now are the following:
"When the pain of your current situation outweighs the fear of leaving, you will leave."
"When you remain in a relationship with someone who continues to hurt you, it is YOUR choice to stay. If you set a boundary for yourself and what matters to you, and your SO cannot respect that, you are allowing them to continue hurting you or disrespecting you by staying in the relationship. That is your choice."
If you haven't already, go up in the "Stickies" section of this forum and read the one called "The Pain Stops". That one moved me SO much. It was if the words were extracted from my own heart.
You may also want to read the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. I purchased my copy on Amazon. It explains a lot about abuse. My husband is not the type who would shout, hit, or name call. He was a manipulative sort. He managed to convince me all the problems with us were because of me. He would turn everything upside-down in my head, and I would begin to believe him. This book is helping me IMMENSELY sort through the confusion he caused me - and it seems like you might be experiencing some of this yourself.
(((sam79))) Turn your eyes back on yourself - YOU. What do YOU need for YOU that YOU can provide? Don't try looking to your ABF or to "the doctor"... look to your own heart, your own mind. *hugs*
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
Well i just got a text saying 'i not going' which brings me to think he is out drinking, even though hes told me hes at his mums house! Oh just like last night eh?!!
Whatever is all i can say.
If he doesnt want to go with me, stuff him, im going anyway. i have friends im meeting when i arrive.
Im sure he'll try and be nice to me later but i have other plans!!!
Tommy, i walked a year ago for this exact reason, i couldnt bear living with him. Thankgod my mum took me in.
Whatever is all i can say.
If he doesnt want to go with me, stuff him, im going anyway. i have friends im meeting when i arrive.
Im sure he'll try and be nice to me later but i have other plans!!!
Tommy, i walked a year ago for this exact reason, i couldnt bear living with him. Thankgod my mum took me in.
When you are TRULY tired of living in this relationship, sam, you'll know what to do. You've been around here long enough, you have the tools if you want to use them. I myself got damned tired of having my holidays ruined, all the stress, doubt, knots in my stomach, disappearing acts, infidelity, etc. But it was easier to stay and complain for a long time.....then finally it just clicked, and I did the right thing for myself. Hope you do too.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I bet if you go away alone you'll have a fabulous time. No worrying about how much he is going to drink or has drunk, no worrying about how you have to react or should react...you'll just have yourself to look after and you can let your hair down and forget your troubles for a while, sounds like heaven! x
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
Posts: 95
Everything changed once I learned that this manipulation ("just loosen up") is the MO of an alcoholic. Problems with the relationship get pointed at you. It's pure crazy making.
Let him be upset. This will happen. Please know that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with you. You are not uptight, or a nag, or whatever.
Another turning point came for me came when I realized I didn't like the person I was becoming. I was angry all the time for knowing his addiction but hearing him deny it.. And I was made into the bad guy.
As suggested, please go to the sticky threads and read the 'the pain stops' posts. When you're having a hard day, go back and read them.
It helped me tremendously.
Hang in there and be kind to yourself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
Well i had a lot of calls from him earlier and guess what?!!!
Yep! drunk in the pub, absolutely smashed off his head!
I ignored the calls but the voicemails, i knew what was coming but i listened anyway.
He told me 50 times(!) 'i am not going'.
I was told to f**k off so many times its rediculous!!!
Yes hes drunk and this is how he ends up shouting at me but jeez! theres no need for it.
I did NOTHING to deserve it.
So i guess i'll be having the peaceful, stress free week away i wanted.
That is until i get the texts either abusing me more or attempting to apologise to me!!!!
BLAH BLAH BLAH
Yep! drunk in the pub, absolutely smashed off his head!
I ignored the calls but the voicemails, i knew what was coming but i listened anyway.
He told me 50 times(!) 'i am not going'.
I was told to f**k off so many times its rediculous!!!
Yes hes drunk and this is how he ends up shouting at me but jeez! theres no need for it.
I did NOTHING to deserve it.
So i guess i'll be having the peaceful, stress free week away i wanted.
That is until i get the texts either abusing me more or attempting to apologise to me!!!!
BLAH BLAH BLAH
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: New York
Posts: 164
hi sam...i was the crazy alkie on the other side of your situation...i've been sober almost 2 yrs now and believe me when i tell you...there is ABSOLUTELY nothing you can do to change HIS behavior...when i was drinking i was nasty to my husband and many others...it didn't matter what they did or didn't do....when i was drinking i would take anything that was done or said and turn it into a personal attack....that is what is know as deflecting the attention away from your drinking....i was good at it..or so i thought...
just know that you are not doing or saying anything to make him drink or to be the angry abusive person he is...this is HIS doing and he is the only one that can change it....go on your holiday and use your option of NOT answering his calls or text messages...you DESERVE to have some peace and if chooses to get help...he will!
My thoughts are with you!
Lisa.....grateful not to be the raving drunk lunatic anymore
just know that you are not doing or saying anything to make him drink or to be the angry abusive person he is...this is HIS doing and he is the only one that can change it....go on your holiday and use your option of NOT answering his calls or text messages...you DESERVE to have some peace and if chooses to get help...he will!
My thoughts are with you!
Lisa.....grateful not to be the raving drunk lunatic anymore
(((sam))) You may want to consider calling your cell phone company and requesting to have his calls/texts blocked from his number. Then you don't even have to delete them, you just never receive them in the first place - and you can have a REALLY wonderful, stress-free week!!!
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