daisychild

Hi so im pretty new to all of this and I really needed help on how to help my alcoholic husband. He lost his father in January of this year, to alcoholism, and since than has been in a tail spin. Hes been fired from two jobs in the past six months, for not showing up for his shifts. He drinks every day to 'relax' as he says. All he does all day is play on his video game, while drinking. Were 21 and 22. Our friends enjoy going out to the bar and clubs but his drinking has become such a problem people have stopped inviting us out. He has alienated his friends after they all made a conscious effort to do none drinking activities. His drinking has made it almost impossible for him and I to go out with my friends because he gets so nasty when he drinks. He refuses to see he has a problem. And gets really angry when the subject is even brought up. I dont know what else to do. I see where we are heading and I dont know how or what to do to stop this. I love him I dont want to see him like this but Im at a loss. Any advice anyone has for me would be greatly appreciated.

My prayers are with you all!

In a Tailspin

Hey daisy, and welcome to SR. It sounds like this is a great place for you to be right now.

You are so young, at an age where for a lot of people life is all about going out to party. You are smart to realize that this has become a problem for him. Not everyone can live that life and not be effected by it.

It sounds like you are in a rought situation, and I can honestly say that one of the biggest helps I have found is alanon. The people there can relate to where you are and will not ever judge you for what goes on in your life.

One of the things that I would encourage you to do is to thing long and hard about your boundaries. What are you willing to tolerate in your life? If you are okay supporting your young husband while he drinks and plays vidoe game, then great. But by the sound of your post, I think you are not getting what you need. It's easy to figure out that you're not happy, it's often harder to figure out WHY you're not happy and how to get yourself that way. Figure out your boundaries, girl. It won't happen overnight........there's alot of soul-searching involved, I have found. But eventually, it's not about how much you love him or how good things "used to be". You can't love him sober. The question is, can you continue to live with how things are?

Please keep posting. There are many people here who will have much better advice than I...............but I wanted you to know you're more than welcome here, you're in the right place, and (despite how it may feel) - - YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!

Susan67

Welcome!
I understand what you are going through. Along with this site, Alanon meetings have helped me tremendously! One of the many things I learned are I didn't cause his drinking, I can't change it or control it. I need to take care of me and the way I react to his drinking.

GiveLove

Welcome daisy.

Unfortunately, you can't "love your husband sober." If we could all just say the right words and do the right things, spin around, wave a wand, etc. and make them sober, then we wouldn't need this place.

The problem is that he has to want recovery for himself. HE has to realize he has a problem and want to solve it. Have you talked about it at all? Does he realize that his drinking is already starting to dismantle his life? Or is he in complete denial?

AL-Anon meetings are for loved ones of alcoholics, and they are a great place to get support. You might want to see if there are any local ones and drop in. You may find it a huge eye-opener. Also, please do read around this forum and especially the Sticky posts at the top of the first page. There is a ton of information and wisdom here that will arm you with knowledge about alcoholism and its many ugly faces. And knowledge is power, as they say.

Hugs,
GL

greeteachday

Coming here and going to meetings helped me to realize that all of my "helping" was just creating a soft landing for the addict and alcoholic in my life. The more I rescued, the easier it was to not face consequences and therefore to keeping using.
Meetings helped me learn to set boundaries, to take care of me, and to gradually detach from the actions, attitudes and behaviors of those I love that were making me just as sick as they were.
Welcome! I hope you keep posting and give Alanon a try. i have never seen anyone in my meetings who did not get better if they gave Alanon a good try. I also found that as I got better and let my loved ones face their own consequences, it made a difference for them as well. That isn't as sure thing - the alcoholic has to want to change, but when he has to face the pain of the results of uncontrolled drinking rather than have someone cover up and protect so he can keep using, the possibility is there.
Hugs - You deserve happiness and I hope you will do what you can to find it.

RobinsFly

This.

The best way to help yourself (and him) is to let him face the consequences of his actions.
It doesn't have to be drastic. If you are fed up, you can slowly disengage, take care of yourself, and find things in life you enjoy.

Ago

The information you got here is all "spot on". it's all about "us" and how we can take care of ourselves.

I'd like to point out one thing not mentioned, Video games, especially MMO's are the computer age's "crack", incredibly incredibly addictive, and come with everything any other addiction does, be it food, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc.

He also fits the "profile" of the "addicted gamer" to a "T" with alcohol abuse, losing jobs, his age, things in his life he's not willing to face, I could go on and on, video game addiction is brand new and as such isn't really well known yet, but millions and millions of American teens/early twenties are playing well over 100 hours a week.

9 million in WoW alone.

If it is in fact a MMO he is playing, he is in serious trouble. (imo and experience)

It's no joke and as destructive as any "addiction" going, and more insidious as most don't recognize it as such yet.

Just to kind of point this out...

Good Luck and listen to "The Girls" here, they have vast wisdom and experience and are here to help.

daisychild

He is in denial. He thinks im being a 'drama queen', or overreacting. When hes completly sober for more than a day or two he sees he has a problem. But those times have become less and less and now its just more and more drinking. And less functioning. Im almost scared to let him fall on his face because of the consequences it has already cause us as a couple, what will happen when hes at his bottom and im basically taking care of everything by myself? I know that seems really selfish but I just dont know what will happen. Its hard enough now to make our ends meet.

I have almost completely disengaged from him. We barely speak about anything but superficial stuff. And I can remember a time when we would just talk for hours. He was my best friend now hes a stranger in my bed. If he even makes it into bed. Lately its been the couch.

And the gaming thing is something I can see in him. He plays Call of Duty 4/5 online. Its all consuming for him. As I type this I can hear the gunshots and explosions. All he did all day. Even though today was our anniversary.

Thank you for the recommendation im am going to try to find a AL ANON tomorrow

Thank you all for replying and thank you for making this a wonderful sight, reading these and just seeing the caring has meant more to me than I originally realized.

My prayers are with you all!

GiveLove

daisychild,

My X was a sponge who soaked up all money, happiness, security, and joy in my life. After I established my own life, apartment, etc., I found I had a lot more of all four, but especially money. Good luck finding a solution that works for you -- life is too short to be so unhappy, really it is.

Hugs,
GL

Lilyflower

ditto to Givelove! I was afraid of not being able to cope with finances or moy lonliness etc etc if my abf left me. When I had been through enough I ended it with him, and still had that fear. After a month or so without him, I realised I was so much better off, especially in the finance dept. Without him at home all day every day using the electric, food, spending my wage on drink drugs and smokes, and being out of work himself, I was suddenly rolling in it, compared to the going without food, walking to work, living without electric, missing tax payments and morgage payments that I had done.

Welcome to SR, and keep posting and reading (especially the sticky threads at the top).

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

DesertEyes

Out of respect to DaisyChild and her thread I have moved the discussion on terminology to it's own thread over here

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...women-men.html

Mike

daisychild

Well on New Years we finally hit rock bottom. The H got really really drunk and wound up making a fool of himself in the beginning and by the end of the night just completely breaking down. Of course I am pretty use to this and I really didnt take much to heart. BUT he did finally talk to someone about losing his father and his job and his drinking. He admitted that he really just wanted to drink himself to death. Heartbreaking for me to hear but in a way I kinda knew thats what he was doing. New years day we had a heart to heart and I told him point blank I was leaving if he didnt go to counseling. Now I have said this before but being the silly little girl I can be I never followed through. This time though it was serious. I cant sit around watching him destroy himself. I wont. Its destroying me. he made the same promises he always does about counselling and what not but he finally said the words I have been waiting for him to hear. 'IM AN ALCOHOLIC. I NEED HELP'

I just broke down. I couldnt believe the relieve I felt, he told me he was going to go to AA and counselling. I wanted to just believe him but in the back of my mind I was wondering if he actually would. He did though today he called a counsellor and set up a session AND he has a few job interviews lined up for next week!!!!!

Im scared though. I am really scared this will just fall through. I dont want to see him like this and I dont want me to feel this way.

Does that ever go away? Does that trust honestly come back? Can I forgive him? Im so scared but at the same time it felt different this time even to me and he did put some effort into it. Im really nervous if I doubt him ill make him fail. I dont know how to feel is this normal?

itisatruth

Hi Daisy,
Sorry you're going through this. It is sooo hard to love someone in addiction.

Here is my experience: two things stuck out from your last post....

"Its destroying me" It is sad, very sad, heartbreaking. But do two lives need to be destroyed? He can save himself --- with action, by following through with what he says. But you can do for yourself right now. You can choose to not let his alcoholism destroy you too. No matter what he does or doesn't do, you can still take care of you in the process.

"Im really nervous if I doubt him ill make him fail". You will not make him fail. You are caring and loving, but you cannot control the actions he chooses to take. I struggled for so long with trying to make my AH's life stress-free so that he would not have another relapse....and you know what...nothing I did ever made a difference. He did what he wanted to do -- always.

It does sound like he needs someone to help him deal with his grief -- before it is too late. Death is hard to deal with, but people do learn to deal it and go on with their lives. I hope he seeks the help he needs.

In a Tailspin

My abf's DOC is oxycontin. He had 30 days clean on Christmas day. I have caught myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. It can't really be going this well, right?

I've also caught myself judging his clean time.......trying to figure out if he's doing enough to STAY clean or not. Is he going to meetings, is he seeking counseling, yada yada yada. Truthfully, I did wish I was seeing more of that. But the fact is TODAY he is not using. We'll see about tomorrow TOMORROW. Let him find and work a program. Sooner or later, his actions will show you quite clearly if he is serious about getting help or not. I hope that he is, but I know you will be just fine if he is not and you have to enforce your boundaries. So, hope for the best (a sober AH), and prepare for the worst (moving out or kicking him out). Either way, you gotta take care of you. Good luck!

GiveLove

Hugs, (((((daisy))))))

You are assuming that his life is in your hands. It's not. It's in HIS hands.
And I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal. There's a rumble in your head where your hope that he'll actually get/stay sober is clashing with the logical knowledge that it might not happen. It's out of your control, completely up to him, and you know that if this all just turns out to be smoke, you'll be faced with a very hard decision.

So are these confusing feelings you're having normal? You bet they are.

Check out lost sue's thread called "3 days sober" - there's a lot of thinking going on in there about early sobriety and how we can keep the focus on US so whatever THEY decide, it'll still be okay.

Keep the focus on you - being strong, kind, and focused on building a happy life for yourself. He is in charge of keeping his focus on HIM, because it's HIS life he's trying to save.

Prayers and hugs that he will indeed turn his life around. It happens! But sending strength to YOU, so you'll know that your happiness doesn't depend on his choices.

Love,
GL

daisychild

Thank you all for your kind words. Im really really beginning to understand, through reading whats being posted on here. that what im feeling is normal. Its scary. But normal. I came from a family that alcoholism wasnt a direct issue. My grand father and great grandfather both were but my dad and mom kept my little sister and I far away from it. So I never had any experience. with any of this. Its scary for me. And I feel like such a baby. I thank you all for sending me your wisdom and sharing your strength with me.

I dont honestly think I will leave him. Not because I cant but deep down I really dont want to. Before his drinking started I suffered a miscarriage. it tore me up and I was severely depressed. Not getting out of bed, crying uncontrollably ect. and he stuck by me. I cant let him down. I know his sobriety is all on him. I know if he relapses its going to hurt me a lot. I just cant bring myself to forget what it was like. I know it cant ever really be like that again but I want to at least give it a shot.

Does that make me a weak woman? Can you honestly rebuild a relationship after this? Has anyone had any success?

DesertEyes

No, yes and yes

It makes you a strong woman because you are acting out of your convictions in _spite_ of your fear. That is called "courage".

Yes, many people work together as a team and rebuild relationships, overcoming the damage caused by addiction. It's not easy, and it takes _both_ people working their own recovery. I see it in my meets of AA and al-anon all the time. My sponsor and his wife rebuilt their relationship that way. I personally know at least a dozen of my closest friends who have rebuilt their relationships.

Over here on the "left coast" there's meetings called "couple's groups" where both spouses attend, and the subject of sharing is always how recovery works in your relationship. Usually they only meet once a month as a potluck, and rotate who's house hosts the meet. I found them very helpful.

Mike

miss communicat

I would LOVe to find a group like that around here.


Daisy, yes..AlAnon or CoDa meetings really help me immensely to get perspective and support for myself so that I don't lose it completely. Let us know how it goes for you, we are here for you.

ToughChoices

I don't think that you are weak, daisy. This is a difficult situation.

Some people do rebuild a relationship - when BOTH partners want to do the hard work that is necessary. I think many of those committed recovery partnerships are very successful.

I do not have one of those relationships at this time.

Maybe that will evolve. Maybe not.

All that I can do is work on my own recovery, determine what I want/need, accept my life as it is TODAY and, if I find an element of that life unacceptable, take action to change my life.

They say "One day at a time" for a reason. We don't know what tomorrow will bring.

Best of luck to you, daisy. I'm thinking of you today!
-TC