How Do You Get Past It?

Old 12-27-2008, 07:07 PM
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How Do You Get Past It?

Hi everyone. I am in need of help and don't know where to turn. I am the wife of an addict who has been in recovery for a year now (but was an addict for 6+ years). His recovery has been shaky and there have been relapses on a number of fronts (lying, money, taking pills, etc). He goes to meetings, has a sponsor, sees a psychiatrist but none seem to help - my guess is he really isn't trying. But, that aside, I am still willing to stick it out with him and support him as much as I can. He is upset because when he first got out of rehab, things were good. I guess you could say we were in that "honeymoon" period. 4 months later I fell into a deep depression but did not even realize it. It took another 7 months for me to see a doctor and get on antidepressant and antianxiety meds. I have been on them for 5 months now and emotionally I am more stable. I have not gone to a new counselor (we were seeing one together but stopped for a few reasons) due to financial reasons and I am hesitant to go to a live meeting for fear of feeling awkward. I have withdrawn from him emotionally and physically as the trust in our relationship is almost non-existent at this point. How do you get to the point that you can move forward and put the past behind you? I know my withdrawing from him is a trigger for his using but I am having a hard time getting past the hurt and anger which in turn causes him to do something stupid and start the cycle all over.

Any advice you can offer is appreciated. I am so lost and not sure where to turn anymore. All I want is my marriage, my husband and my life back.

Last edited by LostWife; 12-27-2008 at 07:08 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 12-27-2008, 07:20 PM
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When my ex was in treatment and then working a program, the MOST important thing for me was to work my OWN program. You are NOT a trigger for him using. And in fact, he has to accept that the trust is gone and he will need to rebuild that. When my ex came home the last time we were see a couple's therapist to help with some of our issues and she point blank told him that I would NOT trust him until he earned that trust back. And you said there have been "relapses" along the way. Then that is not recovery. So, how can you trust again. My ex was working a good program and he realized that he would have to regain my trust. Which started out so small as he said he was going to get a pack of cigarettes and come back within 15 minutes...NOT 8 hours later. If he felt uneasy about going somewhere that "might" be a trigger, he had me go along. And as he builds days and then weeks and then months, you will start to relax. I don't see him doing this yet, so how can you feel good about it?

The hardest thing I EVER did was go to my first Alanon meeting. And then it was the BEST thing I ever did.

I needed to get the focus off of him and on to me. And he needed to work HIS program and not worry about me.

I remember the first counselor my 1st husband had in rehab. HE said to me that the 1st year of sobriety a lot of couples grow apart if they are working a program and then you seem to come back together.

A person who is TRULY working a program is focused on ONE thing...their recovery.
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Old 12-27-2008, 07:26 PM
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Thank you for your post. I feel like at times he is trying then he gives up and relapses. I think I will go to a live meeting - I know I need it. I am so caught up in being his caretaker that I am losing myself. I worry about him constantly and neglect myself. We have been married for 13 years and have two children. I love him dearly but I don't know the person he has become. I have my own issues I have to overcome (and have for a long time) but I sometimes wonder if the past is what is hurting our today and tomorrow.
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Old 12-28-2008, 02:36 AM
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Something struck me..you said you can't get past the hurt and anger and then HE does something stupid and the cycle starts again. Does he say he is using because of you? Or do you just feel that way? Because you are NOT trigger. You don't "make" him use. And he doesn't use because of what you do. He uses because that is what an addict does. And if he truly wants recovery he will NOT use no matter what you do or don't do. I don't mean to be negative; however, I don't see someone in recovery. I see someone who is trying to stop ...but in recovery you do WHATEVER it takes NOT to use. And believe me in recovery the first year is NOT easy for them. In fact, when my ex got clean, it usually took the first 4-6 months before the "fog" even lifted and he made any sense. One day he was "UP", the next he was "down". One day grateful to be clean, the next hated it.
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:21 AM
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I think I will go to a live meeting - I know I need it. I am so caught up in being his caretaker that I am losing myself. I worry about him constantly and neglect myself.
These words show great wisdom on your part. You see how sick you are and you believe meetings will help. Indeed they will, meetings saved my life, literally. I think you will feel great relief when you go to a meeting and see a room filled with people who have been where you are and who understand.

Regardless of how he is doing, the most important thing here is to take very good care of yourself and your children. Once you begin to feel better about yourself and regain your balance, you will see more clearly if this relationship is repairable and if this is how you want to live. The choice is always yours.

Glad you joined us.

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Old 12-28-2008, 06:30 AM
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Alanon also saved my life and my sanity...

I rememberd waking up one morning just wanting to take my life because I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. I just couldent imagine life getting any better because of all the things my AH had done and what kind of person I had turned into trying to "fix" him and in our marriage.

I knew that I had three choices, I could take my own life and hurt everyone in my life in the process.. (I don't think I would have actually done it but the fact that I was thinking about it scared the hell out of me)... I could go to a Therapist and spend hundreds of dollers for her to tell me that I needed to go to alanon... and maybe prescribe me some anti depressents that may or may not make me feel better... and being that my AH was addicted to pills I did not really want to have to rely on pills to make me feel better.. or I could go to alanon..

I chose alanon and I'm soooooooooooooooo glad I did. I look at where I was 6 months ago and then I look at where I am now and I'm not even the same person anymore.. I wake up happy and grateful for everything in my life. My relationship with my HP is awesome and my relationship with my AH is better also.

After going to meetings for a few months my AH started getting his act together and he started going to his own meetings... I have no idea if he is working his program or not... six months ago, I would have had my hands all over it... now, it's none of my business.. I have a full plate trying to work my own..

GO TO ALANON... You have nothing to lose and nothing to fear... You will find the nicest, supportive and most understanding people on the face of this earth in those rooms... No one will judge you because we have all been in your shoes one way or the other..
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Old 12-28-2008, 07:24 AM
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So true... although the help of a therapist to boost you and make you think on a 1:1 basis can only help as well. The whole point, regardless of how you opt to do it is take care of you and to focus on you getting well. Once you figure that out and keep moving the rest will come. Not easy, but the only way. All the best.
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Old 12-28-2008, 08:54 AM
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This belief that we have the power to cause someone else to relapse is poppy-****. It's part ego and part victim.

The only person who has control over addiction is the addict. It is common for those addicted to blame usage on someone, anyone or thing rather than take ownership for their own sobriety or as the case may be, addiction.

Remaining sober means learning and applying new skills necessary to cope with life as is, not as it should be.

Remaining sane when someone we love is in active addiction means learning and applying new skills necessary to cope with life as is, not as it should be.

I really like the way Jerect put it, you have nothing to lose or fear, at Alanon.
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Old 12-28-2008, 08:42 PM
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First thing, your actions do not cause any relapse. He chooses to use. He relapses and uses drugs. You don't make him. You don't force him. Unless you're holding a gun to his head, any concept of you being to blame for him relapsing is false. If he's bringing it up, he's a chickenshit who won't face his own addiction and no, then he's definitely not trying.

I struggle with the same thing. It's been about a year and a half for mine, and I went through a pretty hard depression. I lost interest in him. It's like he killed the love in me, the compassion, the empathy, the loving feelings, the passion, the joy. I actually told him once that I didn't think I loved him anymore, that what I was feeling was numbness.

I needed help for myself. It wasn't all on him. I have seen someone on and off. I don't do meds (I refuse to do antidepressants for my own reasons--no, I'm not a scientologist! haha.) But, the love and emotion that I once felt for him is slowly coming back. He's been very patient, very understanding. He has struggled a little with it. At one point, he said to me, "please come back. Come back to me."

It's taken effort on my part. It felt like work at first, I'll admit. To reach out and touch him, to initiate a hug, a kiss, God forbid sex. It really did feel like I was going through the motions sometimes, but it got easier and the more I did these loving things, the more I enjoyed them and started to fall in love with him again.

It began so fragile. It's getting stronger. I want this to work, but there were times when the idea of giving up and living apart was such a wonderful dream, a fantasy. I even used to wonder what it would be like if he OD'ed and I was left in peace. I actually thought those things--not in a serious way, but for fleeting moments, I wondered about things like that.

He needs to get help. That trust will never never NEVER be rebuilt until he stops using and stops abusing your trust. Trust is not invulnerable. It breaks. And sometimes it breaks to the point of no repair. He has to work on it. He has to try. He has to want to be clean. He needs to follow through on his end and be 100% into it. You can talk to him about this. You can tell him this. But, he needs to really come to this on his own and be willing to walk that path of sobriety.

I know I sound like a broken record. Focus on you. Get yourself where you need to be mentally and you will be better prepared to deal with this and probably make some hard decisions. Only when I was ok with myself personally was I able to:

1. Set and follow through on boundaries.
2. Move past the anger.
3. Move past the bitterness.
4. Own my part in anything but let him own his piece as well (without apologizing or antagonizing.)

Lots of goodness in thought and prayer coming your way. Be well.

:ghug
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Old 12-29-2008, 05:49 AM
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I want to thank everyone for the advice. You all make so much sense - it is nice to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way or has gone through this.

Zombie Wife - Reading your post, I feel like I am reading my own life. Any type of affection right now does seem like work. I fell in love with him because he was caring and kind. Somewhere along the way he lost that and let the pills overtake his life. When that happened he changed into someone I no longer knew. He was deceitful, manipulative, and uncaring. I have found myself wondering at times if I should leave him and just move on with my life but I know deep down inside that is not what I want. But I know that until he is ready to really commit to recovering that we cannot begin to repair our relationship. Right now I am going to start concentrating on myself so that I can be happy again.

Thank you all. I wish everyone a very Happy New Year!!
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Old 12-29-2008, 11:29 AM
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LostWife, If I was closer, I'd give you a big hug. This isn't the life I ever wanted for myself. I found myself thinking that way over and over, but then I realized I needed to do in my life whatever I could to be happy.

Please continue to post and chat with us. This is a great group of ladies and men: moms, dads, sisters, brothers, husbands, wives, significant others, loved ones, friends.
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Old 01-10-2009, 05:53 PM
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I just wanted to thank you all. I went to my first Al Anon meeting this past week and while it was a little awkward at first, I was so happy I went by the time the meeting was over. I am looking forward to the next one.

It is nice to know that there are people out there who understand the situation and can offer wisdom and support.
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Old 01-11-2009, 05:03 AM
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Good for you! My experience has been that it is "difficult" to sit in the room sometimes, it feels like the pain is too much to take... but then the most wonderful outpouring of support takes away that pain. Sometimes that happens without anyone ever saying anything directly to me or me ever uttering a word at a meeting. The power is amazing.

Keep moving forward and keep taking care of you. All the best.
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Old 01-11-2009, 05:19 AM
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i am glad you found us & i am happy you went to a live meeting. keep coming back there is lots of support here for you. prayers,
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