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It's been almost a year since my ex and I split and I feel like I'm "re-feeling" it.



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It's been almost a year since my ex and I split and I feel like I'm "re-feeling" it.

Old 12-27-2008, 12:31 PM
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It's been almost a year since my ex and I split and I feel like I'm "re-feeling" it.

Backstory: my ex-h and I were high school sweethearts. We got married right after college and I had our daughter once we'd been married for 5 years. From the outside, we looked like a perfect couple, but...

I started drinking at age 19. Within 6 months, he cheated on me. Which I coped with that by drinking. Lather, rinse, and repeat. I know I was using alcohol inappropriately even back then but I certainly wasn't alone. It was college, after all. I really don't think it was just the alcohol that led him to cheat... but the same semester that I started drinking, my life also got very stressful. Coincidence? Probably not. I only realized how closely correlated the beginning of my drinking matched up to the beginning of his cheating within the past month or so, too.

Anyway, on January 5th of this year, I found out he was cheating again -- it was the fourth time. Things had gotten worse and worse between us and I was drinking a lot, he was completely detached, etc. As soon as I found out, I told him it was over and I was moved out within a month.

Everyone commented on how strong I was. I found a place to live, took care of my daughter, and held down my job. No one realized that the 2 or 3 nights each week when my daughter was with her dad, I was drinking alone and getting wasted. I looked like the one who was wronged because HE was the one who cheated.

Well, the ex and I had to redefine our relationship this year as co-parents. We get along surprisingly well and as the resentment has melted away, I've started to re-examine my role in the disintegration of the marriage. Now that I have a little sobriety under my belt, I realize what a toll my drinking must have taken on him. I'm beating myself up with guilt because he was my best friend and I can see now that I was awful to him -- a lot. He was the only person who knew how bad I was firsthand. I wish I could go back in time but obviously, that ain't happenin'. But now I find myself with emotions that are almost as fresh as when it first happened. I'm sure part of it is the time of year but part of it is that I simply cannot drown my emotions in alcohol now. And part of it is because I realize he wasn't completely wrong -- it was my fault too. I've even been dreaming that we got back together recently. It's just so sad.

I don't really know what to do. I am just having a tough time with all these new (old) emotions now that I'm not drinking.
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Old 12-27-2008, 12:54 PM
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My ex and I split up three years ago and a few weeks ago I was crying about it like it just happened. I think it's our welcome back to real life!

LB xx
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Old 12-27-2008, 02:04 PM
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I can only ask that you not beat yourself up so badly. It seems that both of you had faults and bad behaviors, it doesn't help you learn to love yourself if you constantly remind yourself of how badly you behaved.

Cut yourself some slack. As far as your ex, just treat him as you'd like to be treated, and leave it at that, for now.
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Old 12-27-2008, 06:03 PM
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Oh gosh, looking back at mistakes I made because of drinking, is very hard. For the most part, I do try to believe that I am where I am meant to be. I had to go through stuff and learn, so that I can be where I am today.

One of my favorite quotes is from Maya Angelou. "You did then what you knew how to do, And when you knew better, You did better. ... "
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Old 12-27-2008, 08:27 PM
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I'm in a similar situation, StrongBird. You aren't alone. Today has been a friggin' test.
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Old 12-28-2008, 01:55 AM
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Hi strongbird and thankyou for your post.
I guess as the fog lifts and we begin to re-examine our lives we start to see our part in old resentments and bad feeling.
You touched a tender point with me and her name was donna...
For the first year of being without her i could only despise her for not sticking with me and for pushing me onto the street..
I was full of hurt and pain.........i loved her with all my heart.
BUT i loved booze more.
Looking back i only feel shame and guilt and i can see the situation much more clearly..
I treated donna like a dog and im not proud of it...
I exspected her to hang around while i slowly destroyed myself and stamped my feet when she wouldnt.
Many years later it still sticks in my gut that i cant make amends for the stuff that i did.
Donna is one of my amends that i cant do because she left the country shortly after the spilt from me.
I can only hope and pray that that women got her life together and is happy..
So i guess my advice would be to make amends if you can and admit your part..
I only wish i could
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Old 12-28-2008, 02:03 AM
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KCB.com/justfortoday :-)
 
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I agree with LB I think that you are just getting your feelings back again. It's really difficult and especially at this time of year. I was cheated on by several people - the first time it happened when I was 19 and I still feel a lot of pain because of that. Subsequent people cheating on me has just added to the pain.

But you know what - you will get there. My sponsor said to me that noone ever promised me a rose garden and she was right. There is a lot more pain that I will go through in my life and there is a lot more tears to come but I'll get through them too as will you.

Love and peace heading your way along with a hug!

Kirst xxx
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Old 12-28-2008, 05:42 AM
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Thanks everyone! I'm feeling better today. I think I'm just going to have to get used to feeling a wider spectrum of emotions. I just need to remind myself that a day of actually feeling sadness isn't going to kill me whereas drinking to deal with the sadness will.

And Anna, I love that quote... exactly what I needed to hear!
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