freeflower

I feel like I've come a really long way in understanding my AH and the disease. After years of running my household alone, raising our children alone, making excuses and basically being the poster child for codependency, I finally get it. I live alone, study everyday, this forum and anything I can read about this. I learned to detach and am really working on my self.
The heartbreaking thing for me is watching my full grown daughters struggle with this. They really didn't see alot of what I saw threw the years. I covered up his A bull*&t as much as I could, I never fought with him about it in front of them. They knew too but choose to turn their heads. Now, they see it. They feel it. He disappoints them alot, calls them when totally wasted and quaks, quaks, quaks!!!!!!!!! They then call me, crying and so upset.
Christmas was a nightmare for them because the dream of our family growing old together is gone.
When I first left, they supported me but sometimes I could feel their anger too. Like, why can't you fix this mom? But on the other hand, they were proud of me for finally trying to find peace.
They , like myself thought he would seek recovery when I left. That it would be his bottom. We were wrong. He is the excuse king and the biggest quaker I know. We have almost no contact and when we are together for family reasons, he is one angry guy. If looks could kill.............
Anyways, he is off work this week and promised to spend time with our youngest girl who just had her own baby a month ago. He has broken every"date" they set with some sorry excuse and last night, he called her so wasted that she couldn't believe it. He scared her by telling her he was trying to fix the pellet stove...she thought he might burn the house down... and was going to drive 25 miles in super thick fog to make sure he was ok.
..........Today, she is going to stop over there and try to talk to him again about rehab etc. I know she is beating her head against a brick wall and it breaks my heart to see her and her older sister go threw this.
I know, I can't help except to keep on about alanon, reading some melody beatty.etc. I would love to call him and get my anger out! I know it won't help and probably could make things worse.
I think my no contact and detachment has been misconstrewd as being selfish and down right mean to some but I don't care. I guess I was the only one who really cared for so long that now, I'm over it and am thinking of me. If he does something stupid and hurts himself either on purpose or accidentlly, I think my girls could blame me. They say they wouldn't but who knows. They are scared and feel helpless.
What can I do?? Anything?? This breaks my heart worse than all the stuff I have indured in 28 years.

greeteachday

I had to realize with my loved oens who did not seek out Alanon or Naranon that I couldn't fix them either. I made suggestions - invited them to a meeting with me or shared some literature, etc. But I had to let it go at that and ask my HP to guide them as well.
As a mom, I know it is really hard. No matter how much recovery I have under my belt, i can't help but hurt when my daughter is really hurting. The difference is in what I choose to do about it. if I get myself in a whirlwind of codie actions, I don't make things better. If I am there with an ear and a shoulder and then share my ESH rather than preach, then talk with my HP too...I find that things gradually get better...for both of us!
Mom to mom hugs...

peaceteach

I have also struggled with this issue, freeflower. I worked so hard at trying to change things for my now grown children, to free them from living with alcoholism in their face, but by removing myself from the mix they as adults must deal directly with their father without me as the "buffer" or "controller". It's hard, really, and very very upsetting, I know. Still, it's extremely codie to get upset by this type of situation too, so we need to learn to let it go and let our adult kids walk their own paths.

One thing I have done is give each of them a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie, simply because I remember how life-changing it was for me when I read it. You could get yourself several copies and have them on hand for when a crisis hits and you feel they are good and ready to read and accept it.

It really is sad that our adult children tend to pick up with the alcoholic dad or mom where we left off when we actually left. I guess we just have to accept that they have their own life lessons to learn, and that we can't control life for them anymore.

duet_4-8

The most important thing that I believe I did was just to model detachment for them, and to stop trying to fix things every time their dad let them down. Not to bash him, not to disrespect him as a person to them is important, too, but balancing that with no longer making excuses for him is rough.

Both of my adult sons had some very shaky months immediately after I filed for divorce almost two years ago, and the only thing I could do was pray for them and offer them advice when they asked for it.

Things for us are much calmer now; the divorce is final and everything is divided. No contact between me and their dad. They are learning how to have whatever sort of relationship with him they can handle, and thankfully they seem to have learned how to set boundaries concerning what they will and will not accept.

It's real hard to watch your kids get hurt when you have spent so much time and energy trying to protect them, but they have to learn how to deal with the relationship on their own and you have to respect their choices and not try to control how they feel or what they do.

Hang in there, it will get better in time.