Newby to this board and this is my first post...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 30
Newby to this board and this is my first post...
I could post my very first post in any other forum here! I am an addicted (active) alcoholic myself.
I am struggling with my partners recovery. I am struggling with the fact that my partner is more of an asshat dry drunk than a active one. I struggle with wishing he was drinking again, only because things seem to be so much harder with out him drinking. He is not new to the program, but he is new to recovery, kwim?
Things just seem to be so much worse since he has begun "working the program"... Perhaps this is all in my head.. ?
He leaves the house every morning (but Sunday) at 6:30am for a meeting and does not come home from the meeting til 9:45-10:15am.
He goes to breakfast with his new-found friends... which is awesome!! I love that he has new friends that can help him and support him.. BUT...
I kinda resent that he can go out and do this.. he also goes to a meeting everynight... 5-7 and often again at 7:30-10ish. I get the meetings, I get the need for friends, omg, I so get it, and wish I had it also.
We have 9 children together, not all living in the home full time... only 3 FULL time. He has a 101yr old grandma who is not mobile. She has to be bathed and dressed every morning and also moved from bed to chair, chair to potty, potty to chair, chair to bed, have her food cooked for her, tea made and brought to her, groceries bought, diapers changed, butt wiped...etc...
Guess who has the "responsibility" of caring for this woman?!?!?!
She wants to get out of bed every day by 8:30... but he does not come home until 10ish. Some days I am just not able to lift her out of bed and onto the wheel chair and then into her recliner.
I still in the midst of all this, have three children ( youngest 6mo) to care for!
I am so stressed. I am burnt out. I want a break so badly! Nursing care costs $120.00 a DAY and it is a TWO PERSON JOB!!! Cannot pick her up, pull dress up, diaper down and put on potty with only one person, not to mention the lifting up, wiping of behind, pulling diaper back up, dress down and back into chair.
UGH!
Ok, enough for my very first post on here...
Sorry for the long, crazy vent!!!
~Casey
I am struggling with my partners recovery. I am struggling with the fact that my partner is more of an asshat dry drunk than a active one. I struggle with wishing he was drinking again, only because things seem to be so much harder with out him drinking. He is not new to the program, but he is new to recovery, kwim?
Things just seem to be so much worse since he has begun "working the program"... Perhaps this is all in my head.. ?
He leaves the house every morning (but Sunday) at 6:30am for a meeting and does not come home from the meeting til 9:45-10:15am.
He goes to breakfast with his new-found friends... which is awesome!! I love that he has new friends that can help him and support him.. BUT...
I kinda resent that he can go out and do this.. he also goes to a meeting everynight... 5-7 and often again at 7:30-10ish. I get the meetings, I get the need for friends, omg, I so get it, and wish I had it also.
We have 9 children together, not all living in the home full time... only 3 FULL time. He has a 101yr old grandma who is not mobile. She has to be bathed and dressed every morning and also moved from bed to chair, chair to potty, potty to chair, chair to bed, have her food cooked for her, tea made and brought to her, groceries bought, diapers changed, butt wiped...etc...
Guess who has the "responsibility" of caring for this woman?!?!?!
She wants to get out of bed every day by 8:30... but he does not come home until 10ish. Some days I am just not able to lift her out of bed and onto the wheel chair and then into her recliner.
I still in the midst of all this, have three children ( youngest 6mo) to care for!
I am so stressed. I am burnt out. I want a break so badly! Nursing care costs $120.00 a DAY and it is a TWO PERSON JOB!!! Cannot pick her up, pull dress up, diaper down and put on potty with only one person, not to mention the lifting up, wiping of behind, pulling diaper back up, dress down and back into chair.
UGH!
Ok, enough for my very first post on here...
Sorry for the long, crazy vent!!!
~Casey
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
If this were your elderly mother I'd understand why you felt she was your responsibility, but this is his mother and therefore his responsibility. AA meetings are available all day long. He can choose a later meeting so he can get her situated in the morning.
She's only your responsibility because you've taken on that role. Why not hand that responsibility back to him or let him come up with the money to pay for a morning caregiver?
She's only your responsibility because you've taken on that role. Why not hand that responsibility back to him or let him come up with the money to pay for a morning caregiver?
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Casey,
I cared for my own mom for much of her long term illnes prior to her death in August.
I can assure you, it is too much for one person to do by yourself, even if you didn't have three small kids to boot!
Please call social services right away and get whatever help is available. There's meals on wheels; there's home health aides; there's nurses that can come for certain reasons if there are health issues; there *may* be adult day care available in your area. And who knows what else.
You, or your husband need to get a social service worker who is your MIL's specific manager. Please believe me, you will be burnt out in no time.
And yes, your husband is being blind to the realities of what is going on in that house. Caring for an adult is *not* the same as caring for a baby!!! It's his mom; he has a responsibility. He's gone far too many hours, leaving you with all the work of raising the kids and caring for his mom.
Although I'm happy for his sobriety, AA is *not* an excuse to dump! You two need to negotiate the number of hours away; perhaps one meeting a day and one breakfast a week. The rest of those hours should be spent caring for his own mom and children. No one gets a free ride in this world.
Shalom!
I cared for my own mom for much of her long term illnes prior to her death in August.
I can assure you, it is too much for one person to do by yourself, even if you didn't have three small kids to boot!
Please call social services right away and get whatever help is available. There's meals on wheels; there's home health aides; there's nurses that can come for certain reasons if there are health issues; there *may* be adult day care available in your area. And who knows what else.
You, or your husband need to get a social service worker who is your MIL's specific manager. Please believe me, you will be burnt out in no time.
And yes, your husband is being blind to the realities of what is going on in that house. Caring for an adult is *not* the same as caring for a baby!!! It's his mom; he has a responsibility. He's gone far too many hours, leaving you with all the work of raising the kids and caring for his mom.
Although I'm happy for his sobriety, AA is *not* an excuse to dump! You two need to negotiate the number of hours away; perhaps one meeting a day and one breakfast a week. The rest of those hours should be spent caring for his own mom and children. No one gets a free ride in this world.
Shalom!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 30
Thank you both!
This is HIS 101yr old grandmother.
I have been caring for her for over a year... in the beginning there *were* nurses and others that *were* helping.
*I* offered to help out to save $. The nursing was costing well over $5,000.00 a MONTH just to have someone bathe her, get her out of bed and to the potty when needed.
It has been over 4 months that *I* have been doing this. I have had TWO mornings in over 4 months where I did not get her bathed, dressed and fed.
We, AHEM, ****I***, have called around. There is a Council On Aging in our county, but when I called, they flat out told me... due to her age and the waiting list they have that it would not make sense to go through all the paperwork to try to get their help.
He has called... ugh, cannot remember what its called... when someone is dieing they come and help out.. I will remember.
Anyway, he called them, found out there *IS* things they can do... one thing was that she could go and stay at some sort of facility for 5 days... wow, a break?!?!? DO IT ALREADY! but for whatever reason he will NOT! I do not know if this is 5 days out of every week every month, or only a 5 day thing once... regardless.. hello, I NEED A DAMN BREAK!
This is HIS 101yr old grandmother.
I have been caring for her for over a year... in the beginning there *were* nurses and others that *were* helping.
*I* offered to help out to save $. The nursing was costing well over $5,000.00 a MONTH just to have someone bathe her, get her out of bed and to the potty when needed.
It has been over 4 months that *I* have been doing this. I have had TWO mornings in over 4 months where I did not get her bathed, dressed and fed.
We, AHEM, ****I***, have called around. There is a Council On Aging in our county, but when I called, they flat out told me... due to her age and the waiting list they have that it would not make sense to go through all the paperwork to try to get their help.
He has called... ugh, cannot remember what its called... when someone is dieing they come and help out.. I will remember.
Anyway, he called them, found out there *IS* things they can do... one thing was that she could go and stay at some sort of facility for 5 days... wow, a break?!?!? DO IT ALREADY! but for whatever reason he will NOT! I do not know if this is 5 days out of every week every month, or only a 5 day thing once... regardless.. hello, I NEED A DAMN BREAK!
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Do not accept that she's "too old" to fill out the paperwork!! :thefinger:
She could live to be 110, and you'd still be doing all the work if it continues this way!
He has NO RIGHT to refuse to give you respite. Sit him down; hand him the phone with a requirement to call, or leave. Go to a friend's for the week if you need to. You cannot do this by yourself and he will find out exactly WHY in a day! He's being nothing but selfish!
I'm sorry. I'm doing it again. I'm telling you what to do. But, I'm feeling crazy that this is going on! lol! Yea, I'm feeling crazy for YOU! See, I did walk out of my own mom's house when things got so nuts, and I got abuse from her and my nephews, (who were living with her - no - sponging off of her), while I worked around the clock! And their behavior DID change.
So will his. But, *not* if you continue to be a maid, a nurse, a aide, a caregiver and everything *except* his partner in life. That's what a wife is - a life partner. I see no partnership here. I see him control the shots and you submitting to the extent that you have no self.
And what are the children seeing? WHat life do they have? What are they learning here? Cuz children learn what they live....
Please forgive if I go too far, or if I do not see the whole picture, (as I'm sure I do not.) But, maybe it's good that you see your situation the way it looks from the outside? But, I do know what you are going through, from first hand experience. And I know it will break you if you don't get a break.
Shalom!
She could live to be 110, and you'd still be doing all the work if it continues this way!
He has NO RIGHT to refuse to give you respite. Sit him down; hand him the phone with a requirement to call, or leave. Go to a friend's for the week if you need to. You cannot do this by yourself and he will find out exactly WHY in a day! He's being nothing but selfish!
I'm sorry. I'm doing it again. I'm telling you what to do. But, I'm feeling crazy that this is going on! lol! Yea, I'm feeling crazy for YOU! See, I did walk out of my own mom's house when things got so nuts, and I got abuse from her and my nephews, (who were living with her - no - sponging off of her), while I worked around the clock! And their behavior DID change.
So will his. But, *not* if you continue to be a maid, a nurse, a aide, a caregiver and everything *except* his partner in life. That's what a wife is - a life partner. I see no partnership here. I see him control the shots and you submitting to the extent that you have no self.
And what are the children seeing? WHat life do they have? What are they learning here? Cuz children learn what they live....
Please forgive if I go too far, or if I do not see the whole picture, (as I'm sure I do not.) But, maybe it's good that you see your situation the way it looks from the outside? But, I do know what you are going through, from first hand experience. And I know it will break you if you don't get a break.
Shalom!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 30
My children are learning that we cannot go to the park because we have to sit in the house and wait for gma to pee or poop.
Another problem we have is that she is from England. Her husband did not work enough in the US to obtain any security for her.
She does NOT live with us, thank God!!!... she lives across the street from us in her home, we have a couple who lives there so she is not alone or living with us... they are suppose to help out, but of course with their work schedules, I never get time away.
I actually left the house after J came home from his 4h 20m meeting yesterday. I came back two hours later... It was nice to leave, but I did nothing.
I do need the outside input. I know what I do, I know how much I do.. in fact, when I bitch about wanting to sleep in until 9AM or have an entire day where I can leave at 7am and not come back til 7 the next day.. well I am just looking for recognition for what I do, and I will not get it, so get over it.. wtf is that bs?
Your damn straight right that I want recognition!!! No one in that womans world does more for her than I do, no one in her world does even a fraction of what I do.
So, we got into a fight lastnight about the couple living there. J wants to know wth he is suppose to do about their schedules, what is he suppose to do when nursing will cost $250-ish for ONE DAY and we do not have that $.... told him to tell THEM to pay for freaking nurses so I can have a day off... omg, it was a horrible fight, he ended up squeeling out of the driveway because all I ever do is bitch.
I do not get it.. he is in recovery AND I AM SO GRATEFUL, but honestly, it was better when he was drinking!!!!!
I am just that ******* now!
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
Again,
And:
It's good to vent. We all need it. So get it out.
But, do not forget to focus on what's important.
What are you going to DO that will change the situation?
1. There are the number of hours that he's at meetings that needs to be negotiated.
2. There's the refusal to get you the respite that's available.
3. And there's the paperwork from whatever agency it is that needs to be filled out.
You do NOT have to take "no" for an answer from any of them! Your health and life are at stake here. And the lives of your children too.
Stay focused on what the issues are. Get your vent out, then get back in focus.
We care.
Shalom!
It's his mom; he has a responsibility. He's gone far too many hours, leaving you with all the work of raising the kids and caring for his mom.
Although I'm happy for his sobriety, AA is *not* an excuse to dump! You two need to negotiate the number of hours away; perhaps one meeting a day and one breakfast a week. The rest of those hours should be spent caring for his own mom and children. No one gets a free ride in this world.
Although I'm happy for his sobriety, AA is *not* an excuse to dump! You two need to negotiate the number of hours away; perhaps one meeting a day and one breakfast a week. The rest of those hours should be spent caring for his own mom and children. No one gets a free ride in this world.
Do not accept that she's "too old" to fill out the paperwork!! :
She could live to be 110, and you'd still be doing all the work if it continues this way!
He has NO RIGHT to refuse to give you respite. Sit him down; hand him the phone with a requirement to call, or leave. Go to a friend's for the week if you need to. You cannot do this by yourself and he will find out exactly WHY in a day!
She could live to be 110, and you'd still be doing all the work if it continues this way!
He has NO RIGHT to refuse to give you respite. Sit him down; hand him the phone with a requirement to call, or leave. Go to a friend's for the week if you need to. You cannot do this by yourself and he will find out exactly WHY in a day!
But, do not forget to focus on what's important.
What are you going to DO that will change the situation?
1. There are the number of hours that he's at meetings that needs to be negotiated.
2. There's the refusal to get you the respite that's available.
3. And there's the paperwork from whatever agency it is that needs to be filled out.
You do NOT have to take "no" for an answer from any of them! Your health and life are at stake here. And the lives of your children too.
Stay focused on what the issues are. Get your vent out, then get back in focus.
We care.
Shalom!
Last edited by historyteach; 12-27-2008 at 08:35 AM.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Welcome. I am sorry you are struggling so. I have not been in your situation, however one thing I have found in my life is that if I let people "take advantage of me" it is really about me, not them. I often carried resentments when I "had to" drive my daughters (my addicted loved ones) places or make calls for them or help them financially, etc. It took going to meetings myself, reading and posting here, and reading daily readings from Courage To Change and Sharing Our Experience Strength and Hope and other books to finally begin to realize that I was carrying these resentments because of choices *I* made...not because of the actions of others.
We talk a lot about establishing boundaries here. It is a process...You will hear some folks share very clear boundaries that may sound harsh and/or impossible to you. Others will share some of the baby steps they have taken in establishing boundaries. I am a baby step kind of person. When my daughter lived with me and was in active addiction, I could not just kick her out. I had to establish less extreme boundaries to work my way up. What I found was as I started to say no (what a concept...No is a complete sentence and the world did not end when I said no) my addicted loved ones eventually "got it" too and stopped dumping their stuff on me. Heck, I was taking on stuff they never even dumped on me. In some way, it made me think I would feel better since i was saving the universe. Instead I was really making myself and others feel crummy.
So, amidst all my rambling here, what I am suggesting in a nutshell is to try to take little steps...to say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. Perhaps a statement such as "tomorrow I will not be able to care for your grandmother, so please make other arrangements" (then walk away) would be a possible start.
I know it feels overwhelming sometimes...heck, for me it almost always was overwhelming!. But I found that when I stopped looking at others actions or lack of actions, and started looking at my own, I empowered myself to change. I hope you find the same! Hugs
We talk a lot about establishing boundaries here. It is a process...You will hear some folks share very clear boundaries that may sound harsh and/or impossible to you. Others will share some of the baby steps they have taken in establishing boundaries. I am a baby step kind of person. When my daughter lived with me and was in active addiction, I could not just kick her out. I had to establish less extreme boundaries to work my way up. What I found was as I started to say no (what a concept...No is a complete sentence and the world did not end when I said no) my addicted loved ones eventually "got it" too and stopped dumping their stuff on me. Heck, I was taking on stuff they never even dumped on me. In some way, it made me think I would feel better since i was saving the universe. Instead I was really making myself and others feel crummy.
So, amidst all my rambling here, what I am suggesting in a nutshell is to try to take little steps...to say what you mean, mean what you say and don't say it mean. Perhaps a statement such as "tomorrow I will not be able to care for your grandmother, so please make other arrangements" (then walk away) would be a possible start.
I know it feels overwhelming sometimes...heck, for me it almost always was overwhelming!. But I found that when I stopped looking at others actions or lack of actions, and started looking at my own, I empowered myself to change. I hope you find the same! Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 30
*crying*
Thank you all so much!
I know I need to put my foot down. There is so much going on in MY life! It is NOT just the gma thing. So much more. But, I so appreciate all your replies!!!!
I need to work on Casey in the worst possible way. I realized just about a hour ago, that I am more depressed right now than I have EVER been in my entire life. I knew I was down, I knew I was using my own addiction/alcoholisim as a crutch to get through the past few months, but damn, I never realized just how DEPRESSED I truly am until a bit ago. I have cried for two days now (I am one of those people who you will NEVER *see* crying, but always finds something to cry about.. kwim?
Well, I need meetings, I need solitude, I need sanity, I NEED ME!
I am so grateful for finding this site last night!!!!
Now, I am going to lurk into the other forums... again THANK YOU TO EVERYONE... you have made me feel very welcome and comfortable here. thank you!
Thank you all so much!
I know I need to put my foot down. There is so much going on in MY life! It is NOT just the gma thing. So much more. But, I so appreciate all your replies!!!!
I need to work on Casey in the worst possible way. I realized just about a hour ago, that I am more depressed right now than I have EVER been in my entire life. I knew I was down, I knew I was using my own addiction/alcoholisim as a crutch to get through the past few months, but damn, I never realized just how DEPRESSED I truly am until a bit ago. I have cried for two days now (I am one of those people who you will NEVER *see* crying, but always finds something to cry about.. kwim?
Well, I need meetings, I need solitude, I need sanity, I NEED ME!
I am so grateful for finding this site last night!!!!
Now, I am going to lurk into the other forums... again THANK YOU TO EVERYONE... you have made me feel very welcome and comfortable here. thank you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
CaseyMarie, I'm just chiming in to send you a hug. Hard situation you find yourself in.
My husband and I have events that he jokingly calls "daytimer meetings." I'll realize how out of balance we are, with certain responsibilities or chores or expenditures or whatever, and I'll pull out the calendar, insist we sit down at the kitchen table, and we start mapping out a fairer week.
For you guys, that might mean a couple/few days of hired help, and the remaining days are divided so that half the time HE gets the early shift, and half the time YOU do, or whatever seems fair to YOU. Sure, she's family, but she is his gma and not yours, and he ought to be taking the lead here to handle the responsibilities.
Depression, addiction, alcoholism........you definitely need to schedule some Casey Time to start taking those steps toward a happier, fairer, stronger, more brilliant life for yourself. For me, that almost always starts with levelling the playing field. Imagining the two of you working as a team, both working together AND apart on improving your own mental health and life situation, makes me smile. It can be done!
Hoping you two are able to have a meeting of the minds and make things better quickly. You need to focus on your own recovery as much as he needs to focus on his.
Hugs,
GL
My husband and I have events that he jokingly calls "daytimer meetings." I'll realize how out of balance we are, with certain responsibilities or chores or expenditures or whatever, and I'll pull out the calendar, insist we sit down at the kitchen table, and we start mapping out a fairer week.
For you guys, that might mean a couple/few days of hired help, and the remaining days are divided so that half the time HE gets the early shift, and half the time YOU do, or whatever seems fair to YOU. Sure, she's family, but she is his gma and not yours, and he ought to be taking the lead here to handle the responsibilities.
Depression, addiction, alcoholism........you definitely need to schedule some Casey Time to start taking those steps toward a happier, fairer, stronger, more brilliant life for yourself. For me, that almost always starts with levelling the playing field. Imagining the two of you working as a team, both working together AND apart on improving your own mental health and life situation, makes me smile. It can be done!
Hoping you two are able to have a meeting of the minds and make things better quickly. You need to focus on your own recovery as much as he needs to focus on his.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
Posts: 95
Is his grandmother eligible for Hospice care (when someone is in the final stages of life)?
If she has insurance, there should be SOME resources.
Hand off the responsibility to your husband. Perhaps find some mornings meetings you can go to?
Your H may justify his absence because of the AA meetings -- but he should not run from his responsibilities.
I hope a solution is found quickly. You need a break.
If she has insurance, there should be SOME resources.
Hand off the responsibility to your husband. Perhaps find some mornings meetings you can go to?
Your H may justify his absence because of the AA meetings -- but he should not run from his responsibilities.
I hope a solution is found quickly. You need a break.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 30
I have not been able to get here in a couple weeks. I have not read the new posts on this thread yet, but will do so shortly... just came by to check in.
I had myself a really good meltdown, SCREAMING to the top of my lungs at my beautiful partner that I needed a break, ended up packing the kids up and leaving for two days.... will fill more of that story in when I can come back to read up and lurk amongst the site....
On our way out the door for a walk (well, I am lazy enough that the baby and I are going to be using Gma's scooter and making the two older kids walk.. lol)
I had myself a really good meltdown, SCREAMING to the top of my lungs at my beautiful partner that I needed a break, ended up packing the kids up and leaving for two days.... will fill more of that story in when I can come back to read up and lurk amongst the site....
On our way out the door for a walk (well, I am lazy enough that the baby and I are going to be using Gma's scooter and making the two older kids walk.. lol)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
in my state, the m.d. writes an order for home nursing care and the agencies take it on from there.
i live with my mother. she is 72 and has parkinsons and has physical, occupational therapy 6 days a week, along with a housekeeper who does the basics, and someone who will bathe her.
she is not a wealthy, or an even well to do person.....just medicare and social security.
she could even have more services if i did not live with her, but i'm glad to do what i can. they have rules about how much help from family she can receive and still qualify for the help she gets.
begin by talking to her doctor. before my mother took ill, she spent 8 hrs a day with a woman who was 102 and still living in her own home.
good luck
i live with my mother. she is 72 and has parkinsons and has physical, occupational therapy 6 days a week, along with a housekeeper who does the basics, and someone who will bathe her.
she is not a wealthy, or an even well to do person.....just medicare and social security.
she could even have more services if i did not live with her, but i'm glad to do what i can. they have rules about how much help from family she can receive and still qualify for the help she gets.
begin by talking to her doctor. before my mother took ill, she spent 8 hrs a day with a woman who was 102 and still living in her own home.
good luck
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
It doesn't sound like you resent his recovery so much as that you resent that you have the burden of this caretaking and no one has offerd to pitch in.
So Iguess you gotta lay down the law of what is acceptable to you.
Put it on paper - how many (if any) hours and which hours per day you can give - then let him or his family figure out who (them, nurses?) will do the rest.
The organization I think you were thinking of as Robinsfly mentioned -is Hospice. Give them a call they will usually send a nurse round to assess the situation.
Good luck-
B
So Iguess you gotta lay down the law of what is acceptable to you.
Put it on paper - how many (if any) hours and which hours per day you can give - then let him or his family figure out who (them, nurses?) will do the rest.
The organization I think you were thinking of as Robinsfly mentioned -is Hospice. Give them a call they will usually send a nurse round to assess the situation.
Good luck-
B
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 30
Thank you again everyone.
Hospice... Yes, in fact just TODAY the DR has sent a referral to them for some help. She is in no way in the last stages of her life... she is just sucking the life from everyone around her!
There is NO other family here to help. It is my partner only who cares for her. Other than asking friends to help out, which really proves to be something we should not do.... there is no other family anywhere around her to help with her. She does have other family (nieces, nephews) in Northern states and back in England (her home), but of course they are NO WHERE around to care for her.
There is NO $ left for nurses. This is why I foolishly volunteered to help with her. The nursing was costing into $6k a MONTH just for someone else to do what I do now... so I said hey, lets save that $, I will do this.. UGH!
Hospice should be getting back with partner the first of next week.
Hospice... Yes, in fact just TODAY the DR has sent a referral to them for some help. She is in no way in the last stages of her life... she is just sucking the life from everyone around her!
There is NO other family here to help. It is my partner only who cares for her. Other than asking friends to help out, which really proves to be something we should not do.... there is no other family anywhere around her to help with her. She does have other family (nieces, nephews) in Northern states and back in England (her home), but of course they are NO WHERE around to care for her.
There is NO $ left for nurses. This is why I foolishly volunteered to help with her. The nursing was costing into $6k a MONTH just for someone else to do what I do now... so I said hey, lets save that $, I will do this.. UGH!
Hospice should be getting back with partner the first of next week.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Somewhere west of the Mississippi
Posts: 224
Can I just say that is sounds to me like your husband is timing his recovery activities to use recovery as an excuse to avoid dealing with his grandmother? I agree with the other poster who mentioned that AA is available at other times of the day and he could easily find a way to do his recovery activities and help you out. But it sounds like he's using recovery to avoid being at home. That's not to suggest that he doesn't need recovery, but that he needs to be mindful of other areas of his life as well.
I speak from some experience here as I spent 7 years in a live-in relationship with an AA who did something similar-- he didn't want to deal with his issues so he used recovery as an escape. He never worked the program but pretended to. He was horrible at home, but everyone thought he was a hero in the rooms.
I speak from some experience here as I spent 7 years in a live-in relationship with an AA who did something similar-- he didn't want to deal with his issues so he used recovery as an escape. He never worked the program but pretended to. He was horrible at home, but everyone thought he was a hero in the rooms.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Casey, remember that there is a huge gray area between $6K/mo for nursing and $0K/mo for Casey..........there's $3K for nursing half-time, $1K to give Casey one day off a week....... there's half Casey and half AH....... or a mix of all three.
On the people across the street, what is your contract with them? Are they offered reduced/no rent in exchange for a certain amount of care? If they're not living up to it, find someone who will. Or if you need someone with different schedules, do the same.
Try to find a place where everyone gets what they need. It exists if you're looking for it.
On the people across the street, what is your contract with them? Are they offered reduced/no rent in exchange for a certain amount of care? If they're not living up to it, find someone who will. Or if you need someone with different schedules, do the same.
Try to find a place where everyone gets what they need. It exists if you're looking for it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I am an addicted (active) alcoholic myself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 30
Yes, I agree that he is using his recovery to stay away from home, his responsibilities!!!
I WANT RECOVERY ALSO!!
I am in no way not taking on my own issues, not trying to push them away or out of the equation!! I in fact just started another topic about this.. somewhere on this board, still trying to navigate.. lol
I WANT RECOVERY ALSO!!
I am in no way not taking on my own issues, not trying to push them away or out of the equation!! I in fact just started another topic about this.. somewhere on this board, still trying to navigate.. lol
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
