Reesie

A few months ago we found out our 23 yo daughter was addicted to pills. She entered a rehab facility and moved back home. When she came out of the facility we were all hoping things would go smoothly, but as you can imagine, as is often the case, she is not doing very well in recovery. She goes to meetings but seems to meet the people who are still struggling as she is. Her ex bf told us that she is now using heroin and seeing a guy who is doing the same. We confronted her and got tears and promises. I know we are in for a long stretch here and want to do the right things as much as humanly possible. I will be going to a nar anon meeting next week to start. But I have a question now if someone can help with an answer. I never really went thru her things before, but now I started and went thru her purse. I found a capsule (assuming heroin was in it) and a few pain pills. I flushed them down the toilet. At this point, I haven't said anything to her about going thru her stuff. Should I tell her right out that I did this or just let her find out when she goes looking for her stuff. I guess I'm feeling if I don't say anything she will just find better hiding places which she probably will do anyway. But is the right thing to do is be upfront and let her know I will be looking for these things or do I let her go on doing whatever she is doing until she hits bottom for herself and not try to interfere? I am very confused as to what the right thing to do is...any advice is appreciated...Thx!

Reesie

Latte

Welcome. I can answer from an addicts view, it wouldn't matter what you hid, what you said I would use until I was made so uncomfortable I had to quit (called a bottom in many cases).

I'm glad you are going to Nar Anon, you will get all kinds of support that way.

SR is a wonderful place, keep posting!

Spiritual Seeker

Welcome from another parent who has walked in your shoes and knows the sorrow.

If you work your own 12 step program through al-anon and nar-anon you will come to accept that you can not control your AD's (addicted daugther) using. In my area there are al-anon meetings just for parents. This has been extremely beneficial for me. These two groups are interchangeable. you will drive yourself nuts trying to control her or anything else for that matter. Learning to detach is beneficial. Or you may be able
to get her back into treatment.
.
Is your daughter over 18? If she is, you certainly can have a BOUNDARY that drugs and using are not acceptable in your home...period. The conseq. is she will have leave.
If she is under 18, then you may want to enforce more treatment. If she is using, you can bet she telling lies to you and stealing...from you.

My son went through two short term rehabs and relapsed quickly. He currently is in his 10th month of a yr. long program. He didn't really embrace recovery until he had been there 7 mos.

Glad you are here to share.

Chino

I have a 21 year old daughter currently in recovery. She's been on and off suboxone for almost a year now, and had a short lived relapse several months ago. Her drug of choice is IV dilaudid.

The first step is admitting we're powerless over the addiction. It's the hardest step to take and once we do, we have to start setting boundaries for our well being.

You can search for drugs but you know she'll hide better. You can drive yourself crazy doing this. She can use anywhere. After rehab my RAD told me she only needed five minutes to get high. Do you have rules for living in your home and consequences if they aren't honored?

My prayers are with you and your daughter.

sleepygoat

the thing is, if you set a boundary of "no drugs" in your home, are you prepared to throw her out? Most of us moms of addicts have had to do exactly that eventually. Living with an active addict in your home is a recipe for insanity. You will be living with lies, manipulation, stealing, & verbal abuse.

Rather than going thru her things, though, I recommend random urine testing for drugs. But again, what's the plan if she turns out to be positive for opiates? She'll say anything to stay in a situation where she has a roof over her head and can still get high. Our addict kids are master manipulators.

At any rate, welcome and stick around!

Ann

Welcome to SR, Reesie. I am another mom here who has been where you are, but with a son, and it's just no picnic having a front row seat to their addiction.

I too searched my son's things for drugs. He knew that I would respect his privacy but that if I suspected there were drugs anywhere in MY home, including in his room or among his things, that I would search. My boundary was also that if he used while at home or I found drugs there, he would have to leave.

It was the hardest thing I ever did to make him leave. It was also the best thing I ever did for him or for myself. Once I began going to meetings and working on my recovery, I found I could not live in his disease and my recovery at the same time.

Most of us have tried everything we know to get them to stop. We have cried, begged, threatened, spied and confronted, tested, and tried to manipulate by staying one step ahead of them...and none of this worked. We thought that if we provided a safe and loving home, good food and nourishment and lots of love, that a good outcome would follow, and that didn't work either. If love could make them stay clean, not one of us would be here. Indeed, we ARE powerless over their addiction.

I'm glad to hear you are going to meetings. Meetings saved my life, literally. My son has been missing for over 4 years and today I can live my life well, see the beauty in each day and find my own happiness ...regardless of how he is doing. I say a prayer each morning and give his care over to God, that's how I get through my days, and I live what my program has given me, a life of happiness and peace. I no longer live in fear every moment of every day, and I believe that the way I live today is the way God intended when He gave me life.

Stick around, we are here and we care. You are no longer alone.

Hugs

notsleepingwell

((((Reesie))))
Welcome to SR. This is a place of great support where you can come for comfort, advice or information. Another mom of an addict here. My daughter was 29 when I discovered she was addicted to oxycontin, she progressed from pills to shooting up, and graduated to heroin, prostitution etc.

I moved back to Canada from California to take custody of my then 11 y.o. grandson. He's now going on 14, and my daughter has been living with us x 1 year now, on methadone. Her boyfriend was also here, also on methadone, and I've just kicked him outta the house Dec 18th. Although they are both trying to keep clean, I just find the addict behavior intolerable anymore. She will be following him in Jan, once again leaving her son. When I asked what she told her son, why she was leaving him for her boyfriend...she said...I'm not leaving...I'll be over every day to see him...

I can't tell you how heartbreaking this road has been. If we, as parents, had any choice.......but we do...and that's recovery!!! For US!!!

Glad you found us...hope you continue to post.....

marle

Welcome to SR. I am the mom of a recovering addict daughter, age 22. Her DOC started out with pills and then later became heroin. I tried helping her but she just fell deeper into her addiction. She spent 2+ years with a man who is 17 years older, made a 6 figure income and supplied her with all the drugs her little heart wanted. I finally had to let her go because it was killing me. She finally hit a bottom last May and went to rehab and a halfway house. She moved home in August, got a job, went to meetings and a counselor. Our boundary was no using. She decided that she could try drinking and we asked her to leave. Best thing that I ever did for me. She is living in an apartment with a new boyfriend who is a very good person and not an addict. She continues with her meetings and with her Suboxone treatment. She is not using but still has a lot of addict behaviors. I continue with my meetings and come here daily to post. I practice hands off the addict. She has the right to live her life and make her mistakes. At the same time, I have a right to take care of me and not get involved in her crises. So far it is working as we have a good relationship. Having a front row seat to addiction is so hard. Set some boundaries with your daughter but make sure you are willing to follow through. Addicts are really good at taking advantage of those who love them and of making promises that they can't keep. Hugs, Marle

jerect

Hi Reesie

My husband is addicted to pills and I snooped through his stuff so much that you could have nicknamed me Nancy Drew. My AH knew that I was snooping though his stuff and all it did was cause problems.. It drove a wedge of mistrust between us that is still haunting us to this day and he is right now clean and working a program.. It also just made him better at hiding things and me a better detective.. I drove myself completely crazy looking through is stuff, flushing his pills, arguing with him... and doing the same thing over and over again... It got neither one of us anywhere..

I started going to alanon and focusing on me and what I could change.. Alanon helped me set boundaries and helped me get off that merry-go-round of insanity.. I no longer look through my AH's things... If he is going to use he is going to use and looking through his things will not change that fact..

I agree with the others... Go to naranon and work on boundaries for yourself so that the addict no longer makes chaos and option for you..

and keep posting here...

rahsue

Hi and welcome to the saving place!

In my opinion and my opinion only,
I was never able to tell my son to get out, instead I just kept pushing for recovery, although I guess I was more lucky than some because my son was always ready for recovery just couldn't get there. He never resisted anything from me or my husband. As I'm typing this I realize I could be here a month of sundays telling you my whole story so I'll make it as short as I can.
If you don't want her on the streets than don't threaten to throw her out. Whatever you threaten you must be able to follow through with.
It took my son (24 next month) at least 5 times in rehabs and programs to get where he is today (1 year clean and sober) the sober part is what he couldn't grasp before.
anyway he is a recovering heroin addict. started when he was 16 or 17 (never asked which it was because it was unimportant) he drank when he was quit using before this last time. so for him as for many there can be no mind altering of any kind. I say this because your daughter will probably say she doesn't have a problem with drinking, but with drinking comes poor judgement.
wow I still didn't answer your question, no don't tell her you are going through her things. she won't really care, it won't really help its your problem that you need to get over because you can through away her drugs every day and she'll go out and get more.
until you are ready to do something useful with the findings keep it to yourself.

just my opinion. I snooped as well and tried to justify it with many reasons. it was my own sense of helplessness that had me snoop, I didn't know what else to do.

good luck and god bless

winnie12

Some may not agree with me but my rule even when my children were little was if you dont want me to see it dont bring it in my home. I do see it very different from those dealing with a significant other. If my AS causes me to suspect him I will go through his room and find out what he is using and will turn him into his PO if i find something - he is fully aware of this. If he lives with me as an adult i will do the same but will throw him out of my house because i wont have drugs in my home. I found at times that he was so blatant about it that he must have either been out of his mind high or he wanted to get caught. He would leave them sitting on his nightstand or in the pockets of his laundry - that's not snooping to see.

I cannot stop him from using drugs but I can enforce my house rule of no drugs here. It has nothing to do with him - it has everything to do with the fact that I have a right to live in a drug free home. My kids know that I will look through their things if they give me cause to do so. That is known in my home - so the real question is not whether or not I will look (and i dont consider it snooping) its what i will do with it and what consequences happen if something is found.

Maybe it would be best to sit your AD down and tell her that you wont allow drugs of any kind in your home. She has already broken your trust so she doesnt have the right to be offended - she will try but you have to stand firm on that. So if you do find any drugs you will __________________. You just have to figure out what to fill in the blank. You cannot threaten with things that you cannot follow through on or it will mean nothing. You have to enforce your rule the first time its broken and give no chances.

Reesie

Thank you to all for your replies. I am in tears as I read everyones responses as I am going to have to find the strength myself to face this. I did tell her this a.m. what I found and what I did. She told me she was scared and said she only had those for going thru withdrawals...ok, whatever.

I do not know what to expect when detoxing here...what usually happens? If she does detox at home is it dangerous...are there things I should watch for if she needs more medical care?

I am so confused right now. I realize everyone is right and we have to come up with our limits and boundaries on her living here. I can't even think straight right now and am just in tears at the thought of what we are going to have to go thru. Right now, I do not think I can throw her out but I definitely feel we must have a drug free house. Her dad and I just have to come up with the consequences that we can stick by.

I wish there was a meeting I could go to sooner than next week but I can't find one. My D said she is going to a meeting today..does it help to go to one of her meetings?

outtolunch

Detoxing does not cure addiction. Rehab does not cure addiction. At best, they provide tools that can be used to stay sober, assuming a burning desire to do so.

If she is committed to detoxing and it makes sense to do this at home, she will need water, a throw up bucket and access to the bathroom and shower.

Medically supervised detox often relies on prescibed meds to make it more comfortable. Cost in my area is about $1000 a day with a 5 day minimum.

The real hard part comes after detox. At 23, she needs to come up with a plan for her own recovery. Going back to rehab may help, if financial resources are available.

If she continues to associate with people who use, she is far more likely to use, too. Attending meetings is an opportunity to hook up with others, either those committed to their own sobriety or those looking for an excuse.

There are non 12 Step Programs, too. I don't think it matters too much the how. What really matters is her commitment to stop which so often means learning new skills to cope with the usual frustrations and BS of life.

As a parent, it is too easy to obsess over this and become over involved in a child's recovery. We did not cause it. We cannot control it and most definiately cannot cure it. The child owns their problem. Do not do for her, what she can do for herself.

Chino

If she really intends to detox at home, you might want to buy some Imodium and an antihistamine because she'll be sneezing like crazy. She'll do a lot of yawning, too. Some of the people in the substance abuse forum also recommend taking an OTC sleeping aid because of insomnia. Lots of fluids are necessary. You can always do a search in that forum for detoxing from opiates.

Most people will have high BP but my daughter is the opposite. Hers would drop so low they had to give her something to bring it back up and put her on an IV. Her doctors have told me there's always a risk of seizures but it's more common with benzo withdrawals. Call your family doctor because they might be able to help her and they know her medical history.

If you're not comfortable kicking her out, a suggestion my therapist gave me is to set up a tent outside, restricting household access to the bare minimum. She'll either make the decision to leave or stop using.

Hopefully your daughter goes to that meeting. If she wants recovery the folks there who are in it will be able to help her.

mooselips

((Ressie)))
Hi. I am the mother of 2 addict sons. Both are sober for today, and I have my doubts they will remain sober, but realize I am powerless.
(Hmmm...that doesn't sound too positive, does it?)

Anyway. This having an adult child who is an addict is a struggle, full of heartache and worry. First off, like everyone has said, you need to believe that you cannot fix her. Only she can do that.

You can make YOU better, by attending meetings and talking with us here, online. I am glad you found us.


Hugs,

marle

In the latter stages of my daughter's addiction, she was snorting heroin daily. She could never make it past the second day. She did not live at home and so I did not have to see the withdrawals. They can be really bad and many addicts give up. My daughter decided to go to rehab and be put on Suboxone. It is a drug that opiate addicts can use to help them stay away from heroin and other opiates. It is pretty expensive but the change in my daughter is nothing short of remarkable. She spent 2 months in a halfway house and attended daily meetings, met with a counselor, etc. The addict still has to want to quit for the Suboxone to be effective because addicts can abuse it too. My daughter has 7 months today so it can be done. Hugs, Marle