I almost gave up last night
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I almost gave up last night
I have had one hell of a few days here.
Not only with my job..My relapsing..my grams..My complete disregard for anothers flaws. And the way I handled it.
I was a complete jerk.
I should be the who understands the most. I should have done as she has always done me. Be there. Not critisise and judge.
She has never once turned her back on me. She has never once judged me or put me down.
I did that. ANd she still forgives me.
She is unconditional. I was not.
I cried all night last night. I felt so hopeless and sad and shamed.
I was plotting my next relapse Monday.
I just didnt care.
I was grinding my weels to leave and go backm to Florida as soon as I could go. Thats the worst move I could ever make. I would die down there. I would smoke myself right into the grave.
But today...I dont know what happened. I was sick all day. I was in so much pain I couldnt move. My stomach was just killing me in every way possible. I slept all day long. I tried going up to my aunts to eat. I couldnt even sit up long enough to do anything. I ate a little antipasto. And that killed me more. So I came back home and went back to sleep.
I didnt even open my presents. I didnt have any money to buy anyone anything. But yet my grams and my aunt always do for me.
My aunbt even had to buy my secret santa present because of what happened with my grams.
None of that mattered to them.
I woke up again about 7pm and called my aunt to see if the garbage was going to come tomorrow since today is out sual day. She made me come up and play rock band and try and eat soemthing since I was feeling a little better.
I looked at my cousins pics she posted on her myspace from today.
I looked and I stared at those pictures for a long time.
Why would I want to give up?
Look at what a wonderful family I have.
Sure we have our flaws. But we are ALWAYS there for each other. At least they are..Me..Not always.
I have alot of work to do on myself. Not just the drugs. I have alot of work to do on who I am and who I want to be.
I really lost everything I gained in those 2 screwups.
Or maybe I never made any progress at all.
I really do forget gratitude alot. And humility right along with it.
I always say that peoples true colors come out when you are most in need.
I guess I showed mine the past few days.
I am not going to beat myself up over it. I am ashamed that I let my grams down and myself as well.
But all I can do is move on and do a whole lot of work on me. Me as a person. I really stepped back and took a real good look at myself. The drugs are really a very small part in my flaws.
Anyway..Just needed to vent some.
Hope everyone had a nice day. Mine turned out quite clear for me.
Not only with my job..My relapsing..my grams..My complete disregard for anothers flaws. And the way I handled it.
I was a complete jerk.
I should be the who understands the most. I should have done as she has always done me. Be there. Not critisise and judge.
She has never once turned her back on me. She has never once judged me or put me down.
I did that. ANd she still forgives me.
She is unconditional. I was not.
I cried all night last night. I felt so hopeless and sad and shamed.
I was plotting my next relapse Monday.
I just didnt care.
I was grinding my weels to leave and go backm to Florida as soon as I could go. Thats the worst move I could ever make. I would die down there. I would smoke myself right into the grave.
But today...I dont know what happened. I was sick all day. I was in so much pain I couldnt move. My stomach was just killing me in every way possible. I slept all day long. I tried going up to my aunts to eat. I couldnt even sit up long enough to do anything. I ate a little antipasto. And that killed me more. So I came back home and went back to sleep.
I didnt even open my presents. I didnt have any money to buy anyone anything. But yet my grams and my aunt always do for me.
My aunbt even had to buy my secret santa present because of what happened with my grams.
None of that mattered to them.
I woke up again about 7pm and called my aunt to see if the garbage was going to come tomorrow since today is out sual day. She made me come up and play rock band and try and eat soemthing since I was feeling a little better.
I looked at my cousins pics she posted on her myspace from today.
I looked and I stared at those pictures for a long time.
Why would I want to give up?
Look at what a wonderful family I have.
Sure we have our flaws. But we are ALWAYS there for each other. At least they are..Me..Not always.
I have alot of work to do on myself. Not just the drugs. I have alot of work to do on who I am and who I want to be.
I really lost everything I gained in those 2 screwups.
Or maybe I never made any progress at all.
I really do forget gratitude alot. And humility right along with it.
I always say that peoples true colors come out when you are most in need.
I guess I showed mine the past few days.
I am not going to beat myself up over it. I am ashamed that I let my grams down and myself as well.
But all I can do is move on and do a whole lot of work on me. Me as a person. I really stepped back and took a real good look at myself. The drugs are really a very small part in my flaws.
Anyway..Just needed to vent some.
Hope everyone had a nice day. Mine turned out quite clear for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Trish))
Maybe you can put a sticky note somewhere, where you'd see it every day, with the word "grateful" on it. I've had to do that before when I wasn't feeling too grateful. Baby steps, sweetie...don't try to fix everything at one time, but this one's a good one to start with.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Maybe you can put a sticky note somewhere, where you'd see it every day, with the word "grateful" on it. I've had to do that before when I wasn't feeling too grateful. Baby steps, sweetie...don't try to fix everything at one time, but this one's a good one to start with.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
You've had a helluva past few days Trish.. I'm thinking really good thoughts for you.
We all have stuff.. I just was telling someone this tonight, without the alcohol (for me) man is it scary to look at the wounds under the bandaids needing some serious attention.
We're here for you
And ditto also to what ananda said. I hope things get better for you.
We all have stuff.. I just was telling someone this tonight, without the alcohol (for me) man is it scary to look at the wounds under the bandaids needing some serious attention.
We're here for you
And ditto also to what ananda said. I hope things get better for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
(((Trish))) I know what you mean about not reacting the way we think we should of, but you've got it right. We have to work on ourselves. I feel I need to work on my anger big time and I understand the retrospect thing and thank God for retrospect. I'm learning right along with you luv. Have a restful night.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Fort Wayne IN
Posts: 284
Chi, I truely felt your pain as I read your post. You have an amazing talent for writing.
I have always received so much from reading your posts and I thank you for what you have contributed with your openness and sharing, you have been an enourmous help to me.
I want you to know you do make a differance in your recovery, good and bad times.
I hope you have a better tomorrow and even better new year. LOL
I have always received so much from reading your posts and I thank you for what you have contributed with your openness and sharing, you have been an enourmous help to me.
I want you to know you do make a differance in your recovery, good and bad times.
I hope you have a better tomorrow and even better new year. LOL
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Amy..I just went and taped a note on my bathroom mirror that says " Be grateful today. Theres alot to be thankful for"
I will have to see it everyday.
And there it will stay.
I am going to slow down alot and stop worrying about whats wrong. I always do that.
See that sig down there?
I put that there for a reason. But very often forget it.
I also need to start getting really honest with myself.
I have no hang ups being honest with others..Its myself I fool.
Anyway...Going to go to bed. Work tomorrow..New position since I asked for more responsibility. I will be doing the housemans job his 2 days off and my own job the other 3. And as much as I dont want to..I am goign to try and go back to the call center PT at night. Just 4 hrs 4 days a week and every other Saturday.
I think I can deal with it in that small amount of time.
Didnt hear from my dad today. But I am use to that I guess.
Night everyone. And thanks for always being that voice of reason and hope.
My family is great...but they really dont get it like yall do.
I will have to see it everyday.
And there it will stay.
I am going to slow down alot and stop worrying about whats wrong. I always do that.
See that sig down there?
I put that there for a reason. But very often forget it.
I also need to start getting really honest with myself.
I have no hang ups being honest with others..Its myself I fool.
Anyway...Going to go to bed. Work tomorrow..New position since I asked for more responsibility. I will be doing the housemans job his 2 days off and my own job the other 3. And as much as I dont want to..I am goign to try and go back to the call center PT at night. Just 4 hrs 4 days a week and every other Saturday.
I think I can deal with it in that small amount of time.
Didnt hear from my dad today. But I am use to that I guess.
Night everyone. And thanks for always being that voice of reason and hope.
My family is great...but they really dont get it like yall do.
~miss nikky~
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: windsor gardens, south australia, australia
Posts: 1,984
big hugs chiy...
do you remember how you an i clashed when i first hit this forum?
you were amazing, unconditional an incredibly honest in a loving way with me an due to you i got alot v growth.
everyone stuffs up at times, noone is perfect by any means, we have all behaved in ways that we are not proud of, just in sobriety its amplified by our expectations that we should be better...
you've had a real tuff time of late an im awfully proud of you for the courage & guts you show in keeping coming back, you hang in like a real trooper an still are honest in amongst it all.
please dont give up hope, your incredible
i really want you to know thats how i feel about you.
do you remember how you an i clashed when i first hit this forum?
you were amazing, unconditional an incredibly honest in a loving way with me an due to you i got alot v growth.
everyone stuffs up at times, noone is perfect by any means, we have all behaved in ways that we are not proud of, just in sobriety its amplified by our expectations that we should be better...
you've had a real tuff time of late an im awfully proud of you for the courage & guts you show in keeping coming back, you hang in like a real trooper an still are honest in amongst it all.
please dont give up hope, your incredible
i really want you to know thats how i feel about you.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Went to work. Got some extra hours cause there wasnt many rooms. But the other housekeeper was having a fit cause she couldnt get in any rooms so she left. Well..Hey..To me thats free money. I'll wait all dam day if I have to. So instead of working prolly 3 hrs..I got 6 in because I had to wait. Its all good to me.
No houseman work...Boss man already had it done. Boss lady had t call out 6 people today because there just wasnt any work. I am so grateful I wasnt one of them.
My stomach still hurts a little.
Grams got a new belgiun waffle iron. I may just try it our here in a minute.
Decided I was going to try and quit smoking again today..but I dont think that is such a good idea just yet.
One thing at a time. I am not trying to blow a fuse.
Ok..you asked..LOL.
Today was alot better.
Thanks to you guys helpng me through the worst 3 days I think I had in months.
No houseman work...Boss man already had it done. Boss lady had t call out 6 people today because there just wasnt any work. I am so grateful I wasnt one of them.
My stomach still hurts a little.
Grams got a new belgiun waffle iron. I may just try it our here in a minute.
Decided I was going to try and quit smoking again today..but I dont think that is such a good idea just yet.
One thing at a time. I am not trying to blow a fuse.
Ok..you asked..LOL.
Today was alot better.
Thanks to you guys helpng me through the worst 3 days I think I had in months.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Trish))
Glad to hear you sounding better, and glad you got the extra hours in. Belgian waffles sound yummy!
Even though we helped you get through the past 3 days, you did your part, too...you came here and reached out and you've done some heavy soul-searching. That's something the "old Trish" wouldn't have done, so give yourself a pat on the back for the progress you've made.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Glad to hear you sounding better, and glad you got the extra hours in. Belgian waffles sound yummy!
Even though we helped you get through the past 3 days, you did your part, too...you came here and reached out and you've done some heavy soul-searching. That's something the "old Trish" wouldn't have done, so give yourself a pat on the back for the progress you've made.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Think I ate some bad gravy the other day.
No Dr...I am just as sick of seeing him as he is probably of me.
Waffle was good..Now I am drinking some chicken broth.
Easy on the stomach. And it tastes so good and warm.
No Dr...I am just as sick of seeing him as he is probably of me.
Waffle was good..Now I am drinking some chicken broth.
Easy on the stomach. And it tastes so good and warm.
. Glad you're feeling better. Hugs.
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
MMMMM waffles
It's cool how little things like that can be so special.. Almost like looking at a new world.
Missy, that's an awesome thing to say. I think alot of times we confuse our alcohol, or DOC as being our best friend, when really our "true" best friend, (ourself) is just darn sick and tired of the intrusion and begging to jump out and save the day.
Hope you all have a wonderful day
It's cool how little things like that can be so special.. Almost like looking at a new world.
Missy, that's an awesome thing to say. I think alot of times we confuse our alcohol, or DOC as being our best friend, when really our "true" best friend, (ourself) is just darn sick and tired of the intrusion and begging to jump out and save the day.
Hope you all have a wonderful day
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