imallright

This is my first christmas without the kids here with me in the morning. I still woke up very early... years of training for Christmas. It seems to quiet... it is quiet. I have dreaded Christmas eve and today, but I am ok. One more sign that my HP is watching out for me and showing me that life is good and that I will survive.

This is also the first time my parents have not been home for Christmas... why not just put everything into one neat little package... huh??? Although I am happy for them that they are living their life and doing what they want, I am sad and I miss them. I am planning to visit soon.... my present to me... but it still feels weird.

To top it off, my brother, who has forgotten that life is good, decided not to ask me to Christmas at his house... not an oversite, just a straight out didn't include me. Again, I have never spent Christmas without family and to think that my kids didn't want to be here Christmas eve or Christmas morning and that my brother didn't want to spend time with me is a tough one.

The kids will be over later today, so I am looking forward to that and I am trying very hard not to have expectations... just to be in the moment. I am trying so hard to let go of the resentment and pain that my AH has caused... and I am trying very hard not to blame myself for the decision to "get healthy" and sane... although it doesn't feel good right now.

I am grateful for that I have had the strength to move away from the toxic relationship that I had with AH... but I am so looking for a bright spot and some comfort and happiness... not just the "I am getting through it feeling." There are so many people who are less fortunate than me that I refuse to allow myself to feel sorry for me... but I am lonely.

I also start to question my own worth...why are so many of the people I love rejecting me.... or so it feels... or are they simply living their own lives and I don't play the starring role? I have friends who have reached out to me this season... although I have to admit that doesn't fill the void that missing my family creates. God, give me the strength to smile and be fun today. Please let me know that I am ok and to not wear my hurt on my sleeve.

Thaks for letting me ramble and I thank God for all the support you have provided to me this past year. Merry Christmas

marle

Sending you some prayers for a Great Holiday today and some gentle hugs because I understand the sadness too. Hugs, Marle

historyteach

Merry Christmas, (((imallright)))

I like your name; it's fitting.
It's ok to feel the way you're feeling right now. Just don't dwell in it.
Try to do something nice for yourself. And to remember the meaning of the day - what it's really about for you, as a Christian.

I think it's good that recognize that others are just living their own lives. And it's quite normal, (if there is such a thing, lol!), to feel a bit lonely without your AH on the holiday. But, as true as that is, remember, you've made the decision to get healthy; to get sane; to leave the chaos behind as you move forward in your life. That will only be better for you in the long run. Delayed gratification can be difficult at times, but it is so worth it! As adults, we can recognize that fact. And your children will be joining you later.

I hope you have a wonderful time when they come. What are your plans for today? Are you having dinner? Exchanging gifts? Or just spending some quality family time together? Whatever it is, enjoy every moment of it. It is a blessing.

Be good to yourself, imallright. And be as gentle with yourself as you would with a good friend right now; just as gentle as you would be with a good friend who was going through a difficult time. You're worth it.

Shalom!

Impurrfect

((Imallright))

I, too, am sending you some hugs and prayers.

I also understand the "just getting through it" feeling, as this Christmas has been rather stressful. The one thing that has helped ME, is that I work in a restaurant and we have had a very gracious and humble homeless man come in the past week. He only asks for coffee, but we have made sure he has something to eat. Seeing him, reminds me, not only of where I was a few short years ago, but of what I do have.

I am not downplaying your sadness..I know it's real and it hurts. I just know, for me, a little gratitude goes a long way and lifts me up. If I can't find it on my own, sometimes HP "finds" it for me.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

malihas

Merry Christmas and I totally understand. I am in the same boat. Decided to let go of my AH and file for divorce in November this year. He has his family here, I don't, but I am so grateful because, like u said, so many people have it worse.
It is lonely though and that's the tough part. Too much pressure put on one freaking day of the year. Hang in there... the day will be over and you'll realize it's OK to feel this way. It'll pass. You probably made the right choice, even though it's tough.

cessy68

Hi imallright- I'm glad you are muddeling through- seems that you are doing quite well actually!!

Merry Christmas, I'm sure it will be tough- but you did say something in your post that struck me.

You said in regard to your brother, that you will try not to have expectations, and just stay in the moment.

That is a beautiful thing.

You reminded ME of that- - - did you know most relationships are strained because of peoples 'expectations'?

I grew up with a lot of people in my life (mostly mom and sis) who always made me second guess everthing I did- by saying "aren't you going to.... or why isn't your husband doing ...... or your kids didn't say.... " bla bla bla.

ALL EXPECTATIONS- and all that leads to is dissapointment.

If we remain present - in every opportunity in life- we would be truely blessed.

Then we can see the beauty - of everything- and learn and grow. I think that the day we can do that- we found what 'god' has in mind for us in life.

Be gracious for every moment you have today- and always.

lots of love and hugs out to you.....
(p.s. I'm divorced and know the pain of waking up my first xmas without the clatter of kids running around)
Lucky for you - that you are healthy- my first xmas without them- I had the flu!!! URGH
talk about a miserable girl over here!!!!

SO- here's to your health, happiness, and peace this comming year.

Love,
Cessy

imallright

Thanks, Cessy! It was sad to wake up without the kids, but it was nice to wake up and not feel the pressure of having to make things ok even though my AH was not participating or helping. Christmas morning was always such a disappointment because of what I wanted him to do or say. Today, I was the author of my own story... and my own day. I enjoyed the time with my kids, spent time with another dear friend and now am connecting with more. Hope you had a good day too. Thanks for listening and helping me with such wise support and guidance!