tay-lyn

So I'm back....you've all welcomed me warmly. I've heard the positive, supportive feedback you've offered. All my good friends here have sent me supportive, caring messages.
So what now?
Am I going to wait until I hit bottom...AGAIN? Am I going to wait until I hurt my family.....AGAIN? Am I going to wait until I do something I wish with all my heart I could change....AGAIN?
Am I going to do all that AGAIN?
Probably.
Why? Cause I don't have it in me to quit again. Although I KNOW I have to quit...I don't WANT to....I want to quit...but I don't WANT to quit....you all know what I mean.
I feel hopeless and completey out of desire and motivation.
I am so scared.
I've never been this scared of anything before. I'm so scared because I know I am powerless over what is going to happen to me.
I feel like a sinking ship....point of no return.
Tay.

AW2486

What can you do to not start again?

Rowan

Tay,

You're in an unenviable position, and it hurts to see you struggle, having seen firsthand all that you have going for you.

You don't want to quit, or you don't think that you can? Is it safer to say that you don't want to, thus absolving yourself of taking action?

These are hard questions, I know. They don't require deep thought or introspection. Go with what immediately comes to mind.

Are you willing to at least try again?

If you want to start going to meetings again, I'll do what I can to help.

You deserve a good life, Tay, and your beautiful children deserve a sober Mom.

Lynn

Dee74

at least you're honest LOL

sadly for folks like you and I, Tay?
things have a way of getting worse and *making* us ready to quit - bringing us to the point where we can't live another second with the 'me' we've become....sadly, this is after a *lot* of hurt anger embarrassment and pain to ourselves and loved ones.

Not to mention the *unlucky* ones who never get to make the choice....or the ones who give up.

Do what you will - but if you think you've seen it all, you ain't seen nothing yet.

I could tell you until I'm blue in the face - you have to 'get' it for yourself and no-one else can gift that to you - and I really am so so sorry

D

Horselover

Okay Tay I do kind of understand. You don't really know how to live without it in your life and believe me I've been there. How do we cope? What will we do while its still in the world, but we can't have it?

You are NOT powerless over what is going to happen to you. If you can admit that alcohol is what is creating the insanity in your life and you ARE powerless over alcohol then you are halfway there. In saying you are powerless over alcohol it just means that you cannot control yourself after you have that first glass or bottle or whatever.

You have to take ownership over the fact that you do have some say in your future and that is in finding a recovery program that works for you. You sound like you are living too much in tomorrow and worrying about the future. I believe we all can be guilty of this in early recovery and it will mess with your mind. I believe some of my first posts contained the words about "living forever with out alcohol," but I soon learned from the SR folks that was sure way to relapse. It can be a 30 day goal or a week or even 24 hours or shorter. Whatever gets you through the day.

Don't wait until you hit the illustrious bottom before you quit because that will just make it that much worse. Listen to your inner self that's crying out for you to take action now.

tay-lyn

Row...(L)...
I am so sad that I may not...in the future be a good Mom...right now I am doing a great job...but that is because I am not drinking while the children are up.
Today was a miracle that I didn't take a drink while the children were up...I was THIS close to taking a drink at 3:30 pm....it would have been the first time during their lives that I had taken a drink while they were up...I don't know how I managed to NOT drink while they were up.....I just kept FORCING myself to not do it and I didn't....it was like I held on by the skin of my teeth.
You know me Row, you know my life....you know this isn't where I want to be...you know I feel like I don't belong down in this hole where I am now.....
Am I willing to try? Am I willing to go to a meeting? Yes....and no.....YES because I want so bad to not end up where I know I'm heading...and NO because I feel so exhausted that I just want to bury my head in the sand...or bottle!
I just feel like I've tried so many times before that there is no hope for me.

tay-lyn

Funny you should say this Dee.....I wrote this earlier then deleted it....I had a dream last night that I was dying slowly in front of my children...it was a TERRIBLE dream..blood dripping from every orifice...was quite gruesome....I dreamed that I was dying because of drinking...and everyone was called around my bedside to say goodbye and that I KNEW and they KNEW I was dying cause of my drinking.

When you say 'you ain't seen nothing yet'...you couldn't be more right. I've watched people die from the drink. I've watched my own mother die in her own bodily fluids...gruesome...yes, I know.

And yet I keep going.

I think that is going to be my mental tag line for the next little while...'you ain't seen nothing yet'.....cause I know that refers to me and my sickness...it IS going to get worse...just wait and see.

Tay.

Horselover

Sorry Tay because I now realize you aren't in "early" recovery. I wish only the best for you and know that our kids, unfortunately, can't keep us sober. I have as son that's 6 years old and he's the world to me and I have used him as an excuse to quit, but I know he won't hold me to it when the craving hits hard. So far, my friends here have talked me out of 2 very close calls and if it were not for SR I wouldn't be sober. I too am very sorry for your struggle and I pray you will find your own way on this. Please don't say there's no hope for you because there are so many here on SR that have felt that same feeling and have gained sobriety. There is power in numbers and why, if they can do it, can't you. I think you can. Again, sorry for the earlier assumption.

Rowan

Can you imagine having CAS take your children because someone came to the door and didn't get an answer? Or the little one wandered outside while you were passed out or in a blackout? Your children would be placed with a foster family. I know how much you love them, but you are taking a huge risk by drinking when they are in your care.

I used to drink when my girls were young, and in bed. I'm sure I shared that with you. I figured they were fine. But if there were a fire, or one of them became sick or hurt, I would be of no use to them. Can you imagine? A girl who used to come to my HG was in a drunk driving accident several years ago and her 5 year old son was killed. I don't think she has ever forgiven herself, and I never see her at meetings anymore.

Did you know that in our city, the number of families in need this year has TRIPLED? Can you see how blessed we are? We have our beautiful children, our families, a roof over our heads, money in the bank, food in the fridge. A warm bed.

You have two choices, as I see it: keep drinking, and become your mother. Your beautiful daughters will probably (if they survive) alternately pity you and hate you. My 16 year old daughter and I are still estranged after 4 years.

Or... you can set your sights on sobriety, and be willing to do whatever it takes to get sober, a day at a time. Set aside any reservations you might have - and take a leap of faith.

AW2486

I hope you can survive until you do want to be sober. For your childrens sake.

Sending you prayers.

tay-lyn

Horselover;
Never apologise.....any input is welcome.
I used to hang on by my fingernails, only to have this site keep me safe. I had so many friends here and they were so loving and always following up with me. And then just like that...I turned away...and I drank.
I can't find words to explain why I did/do drink again. Yes, I am not new to recovery. I have been on this path for a long time. I have no 'stick-to-it-withness' in me at all! Period. I cannot stay sober. I have had bouts of sobriety, but I always pick up again...hence the hopelessness. I just don't see being able to ever stay sober.
Tay.

Horselover

Tay - Listen to Row because I don't think you'll get anything written that's better then what she just said. I drank while my son was awake and until I went to bed. I couldn't have put into words what Rowan just did and it sickens me to think I could have lost him, but its true. That's a sobering reality for me and I believe your thread just helped me to stay sober for a very long time. I thank you for selfish reasons for posting it and I do hope it helps you.

We can control our alcoholism, but we can't control the amount of alcohol we consume. Don't pick up because its not worth it. It is so not worth it Tay, but you and your family are worth it.

Aysha

Tay..I am really not in any position to offer any kind of advice.
But I was very happy to see you back.
In my opinion..If you didnt want to try..You wouldnt be here.
You know as well as the rest of us..We never really "want" to quit.
But we get to that point eventually.
I like Ro's first response here. About not wanting to quit or just not wanting to do the work.
I think I can really relate to that myself.
You know we are here for you.
Stick around for awhile. Dont turn away from people who obviously care about you.
I love this place so much because you can come as you are and everyone will welcome you with open arms.
I hope you feel better soon.

gravity

Tay-lyn, your posts are coming across as reasons why you can’t quit. I don't believe it. What I do believe is that any alcoholic can quit but you have to reach out for help and do the work. AA, doctors, family, friends – all there to help you. I know that you have a lot of responsibilities and are tired but we all have to get through those tough days.

Keep drinking and at best, things will stay the same, not get better. Reach out for help and work hard at your recovery and you will live an amazing life. Personally, I joined AA, got a sponsor, and worked through the steps. Today, alcohol has no place in my life. I am at peace. I don't even think about drinking anymore. You can have this gift too.

Instead of looking for reasons to drink, it's time to start looking at solutions.

Take care.

Omega Man

Tay - you came on SR shortly after me earlier this year and I remember some of your posts. Seems we both spent the past year trying and failing, trying it our way and failing.

I'll give you the truth about my past year. Once I walked away from this site and AA, I could managed for awhile then I'd go on benders for days/wks straight. Then I'd sober up for a wk/month and start the cycle over again.

By Oct; I knew I was in serious trouble and it would end one way or another and I didn't care. I knew I'd probably loose my family, job, house and I still didn't care.
I wanted out but I didn't; drinking was the only thing I knew.

By late Nov; I was so completely hopeless and desperate that I was hoping that I would get pulled over for a DUI. I thought about walking into my bosses office wasted just so I would get fired; a million thoughts like that, even some about harming myself. Anything that would force an absolute ugly bottom and end it one way or another.

Lucky for me none of that happen. What did happen is that I finally just surrendered to the fact that I am a full blown alcoholic and asked for help.
It wasn't easy and won't be for a long time; but it was and is a hugh relief knowing that I don't have to keep looking for my bottom.
I know there are bottoms waiting for me that I don't ever want to see.

I can't explain why I did it or what made me do it. I was in the middle of a serious bender and I just stopped mid-drink and said enough of this.

Personnally, I think we've both gone far enough looking for a bottom.

Theresa

Tay, you say, "I think that is going to be my mental tag line for the next little while...'you ain't seen nothing yet'.....cause I know that refers to me and my sickness...it IS going to get worse...just wait and see."

Who is speaking here? You or the urge to drink?

I don't think it is you.

This is hard, sober work, and we get scared and stumble or fail sometimes, but an occasional failure doesn't mean we are waiting for it to get worse: okay, I screwed up today--tomorrow, I will get back in the game.

I hug you in your pain, Tay--and I tell you that you are strong enough walk past this.

Theresa

tay-lyn

Thanks Omega Man.

Pinkcuda

I know exactly what you mean.
You can't drink. You can't not drink and you've come here for help.
Sounds like a pretty good stab at a first step if you ask me.

Dean62

Yeah I suppose not getting drunk in front of the kids makes us good parents........
Your time spent with your kids is holding on by the skin of your teeth until they go to bed so you can drink? Heading? Didn't you say in another post you told your self you wouldn't drink after you had kids? Yes it can get worse but it already is worse. When you start drinking in front of your kids you will be in the same place, it can still get worse. These are just excuses.

Believe it or not Tay I do care and harder to believe I am trying to help. But it doesn't matter what I say because I can't keep you sober anymore then your kids. Harsh I know but you wanted truth not niceties. You did no I'm a father of 4?

It's been mentioned you have done step one. You see you are powerless over drinking. Once you pick up the first drink you can't stop so the solution is to not pick up the first drink. The reason you can't stay away from the first drink is what the BB calls "insanity". Step 2 says we came to believe a power greater then ourselves could restore us to "sanity". Step 2 will help you with not picking up the first drink.

Time for some truth? How about You never have to drink again. :ghug3

bstt03

Waiting till the kids are asleep to drink and having to "hold off" while they are awake doesn't really make a difference does it? what I mean is that you will still be drunk in their presence and as others have said here, things could still happen. I too drank while my daughter was around and although never to the dangerous blackout point that i was such a regular of, whos to say I was not putting my child at risk? I sudder to think about it now. Let me tell you a story - my exhusband has a problem with alcohol and his was apparant way before mine ever was. He still drinks. years ago my daughter, who is 10 now, so this was when she was maybe around 7 or 8,, called me while at daddys to say that he was out cold and she could not wake him. So here she is pretty much by herself at his house. Nothing would wake him. She was getting scared, so I went with my boyfriend to pick her up. She walked out that house as he slept and HE NEVER BUDGED! I took her home and put her to bed. My phone rang at 1:00 am and guess who - my ex! To tell me that my daughter was missing, he was in a panic. Well, let me tell you, the fear that went through my body was imense and that was with her IN MY HOUSE. I got off the phone with him and broke down in tears, just thinking about what could have happened.

Tay please don't give up on yourself, it not for you children please for yourself because you matter!