inahaze

I was told I treat him likes s**t because I ignore him, that I don't do the dishes or clean the house and he has pictures to prove it!!! He said he's been taking photos on his cell phone everyday when he gets home to work to show I don't do dishes/clean? I don't act like I love him. He doesn't have an issue with drinking so he doesn't see where I get off saying he does. He only had 7 beers tonight and wasn't even drunk, so there's no issue. I don't talk to him enough. I don't share my interests to with him. My dogs were brought up that he deals with them so I should accept his drinking. He doesn't hardly get really drunk, like once in his opinion since June. He's done it more than once but I just quit writing it all down since it doesn't do anything.

This all started tonight because he was giving my daughter a little lecture on dating appropriate people. After like 10 minutes of his repetetiveness and me seeing her increasing anxiety I said I think she understands. He stormed out of the bathroom, slammed his hands on the wall, slammed his hands on the fridge LOUD, made everything fall off the fridge. Yelled at me and continued the above talking for somewhere around an hour?

The whole time my 11yr old cousin was here and heard/saw the whole thing. I kinda mentioned it while he was going off that this wasn't an appropriate talk with two little ones who understand everything. Yeah, that didn't go over well either.

So I sat silently listening to the whole line of BS, which made him mad, too. I won't talk to him, I suggested a therapist because I know nothing to do. Otherwise I didn't talk. I'm not speaking with someone who views talking about problems by slamming his fists on the walls and beginning a conversation by yelling at me.

I wanted to cry but I won't let him see me do that anymore.

He suggested after the holidays we finish our relationship up because there's nothing else left. That there wasn't any more for us to do. That I can't accept him as he is, meaning drinking, so it was over. That he felt like imploding and hanging himself everyday because he was so stressed over it(me not doing anything and not being affectionate).

GiveLove

And CAN you handle this life forever, inahaze? Do you want to? The blame, the abuse, the selfishness, not to mention the drinking, his prior unfaithfulness, this latest childishness? Do you plan to just start doing everything again because he's threatening you? (that's his motivation, you know)

Is this the best life you can imagine for yourself?

Hugs to you to get through this with your head high and fire in your eyes.

loner1968

Oh gee how dare you not be loving and share your inner most feelings with him. Like it would really matter...he would probably turn around and tell you that your feelings are WRONG and then tell you how to fix them!!!!! Its an ongoing ride to the loony bin! Make sure he tells your daughter not to date men like himself.
oh yeah and the repeating and lecturing...used to make me sick. Soooooo boring and a waste of time and they act like you have to sit there and listen because what they are saying is so important that you NEED to understand. As if....
This is so typical. Sorry you are dealing with this. He is going to blame you for everything because that is what they do. In my case I believed everything and I wondered why nothing I did was ever good enough. I would try and try and he would say to me "you NEVER try!" It wasn't true, I just heard it so often that I started to think it must be true. I still can't believe how messed up I was living with an A.
The whole housework thing is a scam and it drove me nuts
I would do all the dishes and house work and he would go behind me like a little kid and mess everything up. Then he would complain that the house was always a mess but never lifted a finger to help.
If he did on a rare occasion it was because he wanted something and would act like I owed him something.

Let him take all the pix he wants on his cell phone. maybe someone will call him on it and ask why he doesn't wash his own damn dishes instead of standing around taking pictures of them.

It is just insane. There is no other way to say it. Its enough to make you feel like you are going crazy. Let him have his way. Let it be over. I'm sure if you agree that it is over he will change his tune. Just don't fall for that either.

inahaze

I was bad, I looked on his phone. There were two pics...BOTH were from when I had a school and work day during FINALS week!!!???!!!!

Means I got up at 5:30am, kids off to school by 6:45, me off by 7:00. Classes 8-12. Home by 12:30 and off to work by 1:30. Work 2-10 and home by 10:20.

No wonder there were some dishes.

I feel like I'm going nuts. I vaccum, do dishes, fold/wash laundry, make sure the kids get their baths(he won't do that). I don't cook as much as I used to because he said he liked doing it!

He's right I'm not affectionate and loving with him. I went for years learning how to take care of things on my own. I learned that the I was the only person I could count on. I learned to never talk to anyone because it would bite in the rear later(I was told I should talk to only him about us and no one else). Yeah, I did learn to take care of the kids and me because no one else would. I couldn't count on him. So, yes he's definately 110% right I'm not all cuddly and loving towards him.

I've tried to tell him that his drinking a 6-pack at a time is an issue to me because in my eyes it's a setup for more alcohol. It's a flashback to the hell I lived with for years, it's a precursor. It makes me tense up, my anxiety increases by seeing it.

I tell him and he never hears me.

Tonight he told me I don't hear him. I have tried for a long time to be the good wife.

A few years ago before I started resisting I was...

Taking care of son's therapies 3x's wk, working 24hrs/wk, going to bi & tri/monthly doctors meetings. I took kid in for tests(blood draws, xrays, ultrasounds, ECT's, ECG's, hearing, vision, MRI's, CT's and tons of exams and measurements). I did all the housework, had his clothes laid out for him, fixed lunch for him and got him up every morning for work. It still was wrong or not enough or I didn't understand/hear him.

Bernadette

That I can't accept him as he is, meaning drinking, so it was over.
Well he got that bit right didn't he?

Good on you for not taking the bait. He tried every quacking trick in the book -

Try making alittle plan to protect yourself and any young ones from having to listen to that. When I finally figured out what quacking was I would just start agreeing with whatever nonsense my brothers were quacking about, as I got my bag and walked out the door and drove away! they never remember what they are saying anyway!!

Also you are not the slave- a clean house is everyone's responsibility who lives in that house.

Peace-
B.

inahaze

We were in an argument this summer about something. I can't remember what it was....

During the argument I said okay, you're right and I'm wrong. I just started agreeing with him, because arguing was going nowhere.

He then started arguing because I was agreeing with him!!!!!!!

He argued one time that I was wrong in being mad at him for peeing in front of the toilet. I had no right to be mad at him for that after all he wasn't really drunk. Side note is he'd been up for way to long and drank a 6-pack so it knocked him out, he sort of sleep walked into the bathroom.

laurie6781

Oh goodie. He was in full blown QUACKING MODE tonight. roflmao No I am not laughing at you but at him.

The next time he gets on his high horse and starts to QUACK, and yes, as long as you are there and he "doesn't have a problem" there will be a next time I would like you to try very hard to picture:

The BIG WHITE AFLAC DUCK WITH THE ORANGE BEAK. Just keep that picture in the forefront of your brain and all you will hear is QUACK...........QUACK............QUACK.....QUACK. It does work, honest.

Now, I would rather talk about you, not him. What are you doing for YOU and the Little One. This is NOT GOOD for your daughter to be subjected to, not at all.

BTW this is known as VERBAL and EMOTIONAL ABUSE. If you are unsure of what or how to get away from this, call the nearest DOMESTIC VIOLENCE Shelter. They have lots of great help for you, and counselors for you and your daughter, etc.

This is his way of keeping the 'finger' (blame) pointed at anyone but himself.

How about checking out some Alanon, or therapy for yourself and your daughter? Again the nearest DV shelter can be of a big help there.

The is ABUSE. It will get worse. Don't know when, but it will. He will go from slamming refrigerators and walls to slamming you. It will progress. Only you can change that, by getting some help for you and your daughter. Protect you and your child.

Please, keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we/I do care so very much and don't want to see anything happen to you or that precious young lady.

Love and hugs,

blessed4x

((((inahaze))))....in a bit of a funk of my own, but did want to offer support.

inahaze

I had to laugh at the Aflack duck. 40 minutes of saving us by fixing me because he's changed so much already drove me batty. It was all I could do not to explode, it's like a constant pecking until you finally blow...then it's your fault that you turned the conversation into a screaming match.

Aflack though sounds great.

His anger/abuse issues were worse several years back then subsided. Seems that things are coming back though since I haven't changed and can't let go of the past.

I did try to talk to him once. He turned our Thanksgiving Day conversation into me calling him worthless, lazy and drunk. I said I don't remember it that way at all, that I was only trying to express how I felt. He said he'd apologized like 10x's already and he wasn't going to go and apologize/pay for it anymore. I told him I was sorry for ever bringing it up or trying to tell him how I felt.

inahaze

I meant to add that I have found a friend that knows of local Al-Anon meetings and I'm planning on attending some. I'm starting to look forward to it.

GiveLove

I think you'll get a lot out of Al-Anon meetings, inahaze. I always felt like I was so much stronger when I was leaving one.

And as for this:
if the shoe fits....

Sorry, that was mean. I guess I just can't abide aflac ducks who pick on innocent household appliances. I hope some day you'll realize that you deserve better than this, and really really feel it in your heart. Take care of yourself!!

denny57

Abuse, like alcoholism, always gets worse unless something changes. Sounds like that won't be him.

Take good care of you and leave him to it - your daughter deserves it.

((( )))

embraced2000

you got quacked. it only got worse in my case. so sorry you have this in your life, but you have the power to change it if you want. let him quack to his next victim.

prodigal

What he is doing is extremely abusive and he's very good at it. He doesn't care how you feel or what you feel - unless he can turn it around to use as ammunition against you.

I lived for many years with a man like this. And he went from calling me a b!t!h to showing me I was a b!t!h by twisting my arm. Then he shoved me. Then he knocked me out of a chair. Then he sucker punched me in the face. Then ... you get my drift.

JMO, but I'd stop trying to have conversations with him. He can't argue with silence, although he will try.

juju

So sorry you are going through this. This sounds exactly like my life up until about a month or so ago. Please, please, please, find an AlAnon group that fits you. It will teach you that you're not alone, that all this quacking and bs is exactly that. I was able to gain the strength in myself to recognize it for what it is and to no longer let it effect me. I have the strength and knowledge now to take a stand and call his bluff on all this quacking. Quack on, brother. See ya. Knock yourself out. You wanna leave? There's the door. You want a clean house? Here's the mop. Alcoholics crave, thrive on, and therefore love to create drama and chaos. Wanna know why I'm not affectionate to you? Why I can't open myself up to you? Because you have chosen alcohol over me. Why would I want to be close to someone who would rather drink, knowing full well how it hurts me. I can survive without you. Whether I need to or not is your choice.

Be strong, inahaze. There is a way. You just need to find it in yourself.

((((hugs))))

juju

Pajarito

(((inahaze))) What you are experiencing sounds so like what I experienced with STBXAH before he left. Do they all read the same script? I'm glad you can see it for what it is- quacking. Maybe he's starting to feel uneasy because you are getting stronger? Is there any way you can leave when he begins to go off like he does? I would take your daughter and go do something fun! Al-anon sounds like a great idea too. I have gained so much strength from my meetings.

I hope you won't let his comments about the house get to you either. I know I could run circles around my STBXAH and it was never enough. (((Take care.)))

isitme

I think you must be living in my house! LOL

I'm in the middle of the same exact thing. Things get a little better, but they are still always there.. then the flare ups come. I never clean enough, never make enought money and an always trying to scam his money.. even though he's the one who owes ME! I'm always the one who gets to angry, I need anger management, I'm not affectionate on and on and on.. we'll if you don't like it, don't let the door hit ya on the way out!

I'm sorry your going through this.. it really sucks. I wish there were an easy way out for anyone in your position. As for actual, good advice.. Everyone else on this post is 100% right. I'd listen to them, most of them seem far happier than those of us still putting up with this quacking.. :P

blessed4x

Ain't that the truth?! It feels more like a leap than a step..........with no visible sign of a safety net below.

BeyondBSC

WOW… I came to this sight to talk about a situation that I walked into blindly, to find out that there is a whole slew of “me’s” out there!
I too was with a man…for my whole life…who rambled, blamed, and just plain confused me. I think that he is living with you now. . Inahaze…life, with a messing kitchen and socks on the floor is sooo good. The grass needing mowed; the recyclables piling up are a sight for sore eyes…just as long as you are responsible for the mess. It sounds like he has created such a mess for you. One that you do not have to clean up after.
The words that changed my life were so simple; I had wished that he had said them six years earlier, he told me I was “undisciplined” because the sweeper bag was full. That was it for me. Not the yelling, screaming, picking him up at the bar drunk, so on and so on. Now, I have a bagless sweeper.
It has been four years since I have been attached to this man. Two kids that are a link in the chain, but I let him, asked him, to go. And he did. Thank God.
Good luck to you.

TakingCharge999

it is a leap and a bad mushroom trip cannot compare to it LOL

but after 3 months of being alcoholic-free I feel much better !!

granted, my life was waking up, hating waking up to my life, dragging myself to work, crying my heart out, and repeat the other day


but there are so many good people, family, friends around that really DO love us
to be with someone that has so much hurt inside and ultimately, only knows how to destroy and well, anyone he hurts will get over it... someday.. but after all the one carrying the most harm is himself

life is too short to carry other people's weights!!