functional alcoholic
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by thecat3 
1. do you believe in functional alcoholics?
2. do you think one suppresses the desire for alcohol or within time desire for it just decreses?
2. do you think one suppresses the desire for alcohol or within time desire for it just decreses?
Question #2, I don't understand the question.
L
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
If you want to know how an alcoholic feels/perceives doing without alcohol, perhaps you might try posting in one of the forums for alcoholics. They would be able to answer that sort of question much better.
I can say many alcoholics can "function" for x period of time since that is what I observed in my xAH. I can't explain what an alcoholic might be feeling in terms of cravings since I ahve no experience with that.
I can say many alcoholics can "function" for x period of time since that is what I observed in my xAH. I can't explain what an alcoholic might be feeling in terms of cravings since I ahve no experience with that.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
I am an alcoholic and I continued to "function" (if you could call it that) until my last drink. But that solely self preservation. I wanted my cake and to eat it too. I held a job (I have never been out of work), took care of my kids, husband, various other commitments, but i did not do anything nearly as well as I do now at 7 months sober. I was also miserable.
I hit an ugly bottom and i could never drink again. I do not consider that an option. I believe that all it would take is one drink to be right back to where I was (1-2 bottles of wine a day). I haven't stopped "wanting" it. I choose not to drink today.
My bottom was not pretty
OOPS: Just read you would rather hear from family members. Sorry!
I hit an ugly bottom and i could never drink again. I do not consider that an option. I believe that all it would take is one drink to be right back to where I was (1-2 bottles of wine a day). I haven't stopped "wanting" it. I choose not to drink today.
My bottom was not pretty
OOPS: Just read you would rather hear from family members. Sorry!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Ah, well if you want to know if you can make an A stop drinking, the answer is no. Only the A can choose to do that. Only the A has control over their actions and behaviors.
What we as family members can do is learn how to live with an A or how to set boundaries for behaviors we find unacceptable or how to deal with our own issues.
What we as family members can do is learn how to live with an A or how to set boundaries for behaviors we find unacceptable or how to deal with our own issues.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by thecat3
can I believe my husband when he once again said no more drinking?
Perhaps if you give us a bit more of your story some of us could relate our own experiences that are relevant. I know it's kinda difficult to open up sometimes, but you will find this is a wonderfully supportive place with many who have been through what you are going through. It's amazing how similar our stories tend to be.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I've read your questions, and based on my own personal experience, I think I perceive where you're coming from.
You want to understand your husand's alcoholism; you can do so only to a point. You are not the addict. You cannot crawl inside his mind. You want questions answered from the spouse's perspective.
So I will give you my perspective, having been married to two two A's.
They are consistently inconsistent.
Frequently, they can function even though they're in really bad shape.
The old joke/saying is, "How can you tell when an A is lying?" "The A's mouth is moving and sounds are coming out."
Does the desire wane with time. Nope. Nada. No way. There is another saying in the A.A. rooms: "One drink is too many, and a thousand drinks are never enough."
The more I focused on the addicts in my life the sicker I got. I don't own the addiction. It is not my business. I cannot get an alkie to see the light, have an ah-ha moment, make the light bulb come on, or get the addict to seek recovery.
It is a progressive disease. It gets worse with time. And in order to maintain their belief that they can control their addiction and remain mere social drinkers, the addict will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and do whatever it takes to fool himself that everything is okay.
Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer: it takes down everyone involved with the addict.
The only solution I found was to work a program, get into counseling, and get support from other spouses/partners of A's. Only then could I detach, accept what is for WHAT IS, and stop driving myself crazy trying to figure out why anyone would be willing to literally drink himself into the grave.
You want to understand your husand's alcoholism; you can do so only to a point. You are not the addict. You cannot crawl inside his mind. You want questions answered from the spouse's perspective.
So I will give you my perspective, having been married to two two A's.
They are consistently inconsistent.
Frequently, they can function even though they're in really bad shape.
The old joke/saying is, "How can you tell when an A is lying?" "The A's mouth is moving and sounds are coming out."
Does the desire wane with time. Nope. Nada. No way. There is another saying in the A.A. rooms: "One drink is too many, and a thousand drinks are never enough."
The more I focused on the addicts in my life the sicker I got. I don't own the addiction. It is not my business. I cannot get an alkie to see the light, have an ah-ha moment, make the light bulb come on, or get the addict to seek recovery.
It is a progressive disease. It gets worse with time. And in order to maintain their belief that they can control their addiction and remain mere social drinkers, the addict will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and do whatever it takes to fool himself that everything is okay.
Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer: it takes down everyone involved with the addict.
The only solution I found was to work a program, get into counseling, and get support from other spouses/partners of A's. Only then could I detach, accept what is for WHAT IS, and stop driving myself crazy trying to figure out why anyone would be willing to literally drink himself into the grave.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by thecat3
can I believe my husband when he once again said no more drinking?
You would not believe the places I've found empty - and sometimes full! - bottles when I'm housecleaning. I was recently going through boxes of old vinyls (records) we both collected in college. There in the box was a full bottle of cheap brandy. I guess AH put it there an forgot.
If you've been lied to before about the drinking, chances are good the lying will continue. I can't say that I understand why an A hides the bottles. But they frequently do. And we frequently come across them.
I'm not an A. I have no desire to hide bottles, hide my drinking - when I decide I want a drink. Frankly, I'm not obsessed with my drinking. It's just something I do on occasion.
Please fill us in on more of the details of your situation, if you so desire.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
(((((Thecat3)))))
First let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a great site, with lots of good people, who have been where you are now, or who have been where your AH is now. We all have lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) to share. Some of it IS NOT PRETTY.
Let me introduce myself. I am Laurie. I am an alcoholic. I am 63+ years old. I have over 27 1/2 years continuous recovery from alcoholism and over 24 1/2 years of recovery in Alanon. Ordered to go by my AA sponsor when I was 3 years sober, as I was married to a 'sober' alcoholic, roflmao.
Yes, there is a STAGE of alcoholism where the alcoholic can still function to some extent. Holds down a job, pays bills, may keep the 'illusion' to the outside world, but is dying more every day on the inside and is starting to be a bigger pain at home and to the family than before.
Alcoholism gets WORSE never better. There are 3 great books you might want to get, all available at Amazon.com. "Under the Influence" which gives an excellent description of the PROGRESSION of alcoholism and lets you know what you are in for. "Beyond The Influence" is the continuation after recovery has been found. And most important for you is "Co-dependent No More."
Alcoholics are great MANIPULATORS can convince an Eskimo to buy a refrigerator and can convince their loved ones that they are going crazy, not the alcoholic. That it is all in your head, not his. I did that for years until I alienated MY WHOLE FAMILY.
Once in recovery, I also found out I was a 'codie', lol. Yep, I was co-dependent and was also very enabling (just to keep the peace so to speak) and had very little 'self-worth' and 'self esteem' left. Therefore, if I could FIX IT for you, you would like (or love me)................NOT. That is where Alanon came into the picture. Alanon helped me to figure out what was and was not acceptable to me. Alanon, helped me to find my own 'self worth' and 'self esteem.'
Alanon taught me something very very important when it came to my then husband and the other alkies in my life, both those that were sober and those that were still practicing. They call it The 3 C's:
I didn't CAUSE it,
I can't CONTROL it, and
I can't CURE it.
Alanon also taught me how to not listen to the words coming out of the alkies mouth, the QUACKING, but instead to WATCH the ACTIONS of the alcoholic, to see what was really being said.
It all sounds simple, but it IS NOT. It is a very COMPLICATED, SLOW PROCESS of discovery.
Please read the "Sticky's" at the top of the forum, check around the site, read old posts, and most of all............................................... .......keep posting, asking questions, let us know how YOU are doing, rant, rave, scream, cry, yell, and yes even laugh with us. We can help you to a certain degree if you want, but YOU have to do the work.
Please KEEP COMING BACK, we do care very very much.
Again, WELCOME TO SR.
Love and hugs,
First let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a great site, with lots of good people, who have been where you are now, or who have been where your AH is now. We all have lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) to share. Some of it IS NOT PRETTY.
Let me introduce myself. I am Laurie. I am an alcoholic. I am 63+ years old. I have over 27 1/2 years continuous recovery from alcoholism and over 24 1/2 years of recovery in Alanon. Ordered to go by my AA sponsor when I was 3 years sober, as I was married to a 'sober' alcoholic, roflmao.
Yes, there is a STAGE of alcoholism where the alcoholic can still function to some extent. Holds down a job, pays bills, may keep the 'illusion' to the outside world, but is dying more every day on the inside and is starting to be a bigger pain at home and to the family than before.
Alcoholism gets WORSE never better. There are 3 great books you might want to get, all available at Amazon.com. "Under the Influence" which gives an excellent description of the PROGRESSION of alcoholism and lets you know what you are in for. "Beyond The Influence" is the continuation after recovery has been found. And most important for you is "Co-dependent No More."
Alcoholics are great MANIPULATORS can convince an Eskimo to buy a refrigerator and can convince their loved ones that they are going crazy, not the alcoholic. That it is all in your head, not his. I did that for years until I alienated MY WHOLE FAMILY.
Once in recovery, I also found out I was a 'codie', lol. Yep, I was co-dependent and was also very enabling (just to keep the peace so to speak) and had very little 'self-worth' and 'self esteem' left. Therefore, if I could FIX IT for you, you would like (or love me)................NOT. That is where Alanon came into the picture. Alanon helped me to figure out what was and was not acceptable to me. Alanon, helped me to find my own 'self worth' and 'self esteem.'
Alanon taught me something very very important when it came to my then husband and the other alkies in my life, both those that were sober and those that were still practicing. They call it The 3 C's:
I didn't CAUSE it,
I can't CONTROL it, and
I can't CURE it.
Alanon also taught me how to not listen to the words coming out of the alkies mouth, the QUACKING, but instead to WATCH the ACTIONS of the alcoholic, to see what was really being said.
It all sounds simple, but it IS NOT. It is a very COMPLICATED, SLOW PROCESS of discovery.
Please read the "Sticky's" at the top of the forum, check around the site, read old posts, and most of all............................................... .......keep posting, asking questions, let us know how YOU are doing, rant, rave, scream, cry, yell, and yes even laugh with us. We can help you to a certain degree if you want, but YOU have to do the work.
Please KEEP COMING BACK, we do care very very much.
Again, WELCOME TO SR.
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
There are functional alcoholics, functional in some senses anyway.
He goes to work and pays the bills. Folks at work like him, so no complaints there that I'm aware of.
Home life though, that's an entirely different story...otherwise I wouldn't be here. Fights, arguing, silent treatment, kids seeing it and their obvious distress. Resentment, inability to rely on someone else. Lack of trust.
That part of him is definately not functional.
Will he take another drink? Does it matter? Will you be able to ever believe him? Will you ever be able to trust him not to drink again? If a major life event occurs will he drink again? Will you be able to give credit if he never drinks again? It's a lot harder than you would think, to get what you want and it's still not enough.
He goes to work and pays the bills. Folks at work like him, so no complaints there that I'm aware of.
Home life though, that's an entirely different story...otherwise I wouldn't be here. Fights, arguing, silent treatment, kids seeing it and their obvious distress. Resentment, inability to rely on someone else. Lack of trust.
That part of him is definately not functional.
Will he take another drink? Does it matter? Will you be able to ever believe him? Will you ever be able to trust him not to drink again? If a major life event occurs will he drink again? Will you be able to give credit if he never drinks again? It's a lot harder than you would think, to get what you want and it's still not enough.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by Barbara52
There is no way anyone could possibly answer that question.
Perhaps if you give us a bit more of your story some of us could relate our own experiences that are relevant. I know it's kinda difficult to open up sometimes, but you will find this is a wonderfully supportive place with many who have been through what you are going through. It's amazing how similar our stories tend to be.
Perhaps if you give us a bit more of your story some of us could relate our own experiences that are relevant. I know it's kinda difficult to open up sometimes, but you will find this is a wonderfully supportive place with many who have been through what you are going through. It's amazing how similar our stories tend to be.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by prodigal
I've read your questions, and based on my own personal experience, I think I perceive where you're coming from.
You want to understand your husand's alcoholism; you can do so only to a point. You are not the addict. You cannot crawl inside his mind. You want questions answered from the spouse's perspective.
So I will give you my perspective, having been married to two two A's.
They are consistently inconsistent.
Frequently, they can function even though they're in really bad shape.
The old joke/saying is, "How can you tell when an A is lying?" "The A's mouth is moving and sounds are coming out."
Does the desire wane with time. Nope. Nada. No way. There is another saying in the A.A. rooms: "One drink is too many, and a thousand drinks are never enough."
The more I focused on the addicts in my life the sicker I got. I don't own the addiction. It is not my business. I cannot get an alkie to see the light, have an ah-ha moment, make the light bulb come on, or get the addict to seek recovery.
It is a progressive disease. It gets worse with time. And in order to maintain their belief that they can control their addiction and remain mere social drinkers, the addict will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and do whatever it takes to fool himself that everything is okay.
Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer: it takes down everyone involved with the addict.
The only solution I found was to work a program, get into counseling, and get support from other spouses/partners of A's. Only then could I detach, accept what is for WHAT IS, and stop driving myself crazy trying to figure out why anyone would be willing to literally drink himself into the grave.
You want to understand your husand's alcoholism; you can do so only to a point. You are not the addict. You cannot crawl inside his mind. You want questions answered from the spouse's perspective.
So I will give you my perspective, having been married to two two A's.
They are consistently inconsistent.
Frequently, they can function even though they're in really bad shape.
The old joke/saying is, "How can you tell when an A is lying?" "The A's mouth is moving and sounds are coming out."
Does the desire wane with time. Nope. Nada. No way. There is another saying in the A.A. rooms: "One drink is too many, and a thousand drinks are never enough."
The more I focused on the addicts in my life the sicker I got. I don't own the addiction. It is not my business. I cannot get an alkie to see the light, have an ah-ha moment, make the light bulb come on, or get the addict to seek recovery.
It is a progressive disease. It gets worse with time. And in order to maintain their belief that they can control their addiction and remain mere social drinkers, the addict will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and do whatever it takes to fool himself that everything is okay.
Alcoholism is an equal-opportunity destroyer: it takes down everyone involved with the addict.
The only solution I found was to work a program, get into counseling, and get support from other spouses/partners of A's. Only then could I detach, accept what is for WHAT IS, and stop driving myself crazy trying to figure out why anyone would be willing to literally drink himself into the grave.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by laurie6781
(((((Thecat3)))))
First let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a great site, with lots of good people, who have been where you are now, or who have been where your AH is now. We all have lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) to share. Some of it IS NOT PRETTY.
Let me introduce myself. I am Laurie. I am an alcoholic. I am 63+ years old. I have over 27 1/2 years continuous recovery from alcoholism and over 24 1/2 years of recovery in Alanon. Ordered to go by my AA sponsor when I was 3 years sober, as I was married to a 'sober' alcoholic, roflmao.
Yes, there is a STAGE of alcoholism where the alcoholic can still function to some extent. Holds down a job, pays bills, may keep the 'illusion' to the outside world, but is dying more every day on the inside and is starting to be a bigger pain at home and to the family than before.
Alcoholism gets WORSE never better. There are 3 great books you might want to get, all available at Amazon.com. "Under the Influence" which gives an excellent description of the PROGRESSION of alcoholism and lets you know what you are in for. "Beyond The Influence" is the continuation after recovery has been found. And most important for you is "Co-dependent No More."
Alcoholics are great MANIPULATORS can convince an Eskimo to buy a refrigerator and can convince their loved ones that they are going crazy, not the alcoholic. That it is all in your head, not his. I did that for years until I alienated MY WHOLE FAMILY.
Once in recovery, I also found out I was a 'codie', lol. Yep, I was co-dependent and was also very enabling (just to keep the peace so to speak) and had very little 'self-worth' and 'self esteem' left. Therefore, if I could FIX IT for you, you would like (or love me)................NOT. That is where Alanon came into the picture. Alanon helped me to figure out what was and was not acceptable to me. Alanon, helped me to find my own 'self worth' and 'self esteem.'
Alanon taught me something very very important when it came to my then husband and the other alkies in my life, both those that were sober and those that were still practicing. They call it The 3 C's:
I didn't CAUSE it,
I can't CONTROL it, and
I can't CURE it.
Alanon also taught me how to not listen to the words coming out of the alkies mouth, the QUACKING, but instead to WATCH the ACTIONS of the alcoholic, to see what was really being said.
It all sounds simple, but it IS NOT. It is a very COMPLICATED, SLOW PROCESS of discovery.
Please read the "Sticky's" at the top of the forum, check around the site, read old posts, and most of all............................................... .......keep posting, asking questions, let us know how YOU are doing, rant, rave, scream, cry, yell, and yes even laugh with us. We can help you to a certain degree if you want, but YOU have to do the work.
Please KEEP COMING BACK, we do care very very much.
Again, WELCOME TO SR.
Love and hugs,
First let me say WELCOME to SR. You have found a great site, with lots of good people, who have been where you are now, or who have been where your AH is now. We all have lots of Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H) to share. Some of it IS NOT PRETTY.
Let me introduce myself. I am Laurie. I am an alcoholic. I am 63+ years old. I have over 27 1/2 years continuous recovery from alcoholism and over 24 1/2 years of recovery in Alanon. Ordered to go by my AA sponsor when I was 3 years sober, as I was married to a 'sober' alcoholic, roflmao.
Yes, there is a STAGE of alcoholism where the alcoholic can still function to some extent. Holds down a job, pays bills, may keep the 'illusion' to the outside world, but is dying more every day on the inside and is starting to be a bigger pain at home and to the family than before.
Alcoholism gets WORSE never better. There are 3 great books you might want to get, all available at Amazon.com. "Under the Influence" which gives an excellent description of the PROGRESSION of alcoholism and lets you know what you are in for. "Beyond The Influence" is the continuation after recovery has been found. And most important for you is "Co-dependent No More."
Alcoholics are great MANIPULATORS can convince an Eskimo to buy a refrigerator and can convince their loved ones that they are going crazy, not the alcoholic. That it is all in your head, not his. I did that for years until I alienated MY WHOLE FAMILY.
Once in recovery, I also found out I was a 'codie', lol. Yep, I was co-dependent and was also very enabling (just to keep the peace so to speak) and had very little 'self-worth' and 'self esteem' left. Therefore, if I could FIX IT for you, you would like (or love me)................NOT. That is where Alanon came into the picture. Alanon helped me to figure out what was and was not acceptable to me. Alanon, helped me to find my own 'self worth' and 'self esteem.'
Alanon taught me something very very important when it came to my then husband and the other alkies in my life, both those that were sober and those that were still practicing. They call it The 3 C's:
I didn't CAUSE it,
I can't CONTROL it, and
I can't CURE it.
Alanon also taught me how to not listen to the words coming out of the alkies mouth, the QUACKING, but instead to WATCH the ACTIONS of the alcoholic, to see what was really being said.
It all sounds simple, but it IS NOT. It is a very COMPLICATED, SLOW PROCESS of discovery.
Please read the "Sticky's" at the top of the forum, check around the site, read old posts, and most of all............................................... .......keep posting, asking questions, let us know how YOU are doing, rant, rave, scream, cry, yell, and yes even laugh with us. We can help you to a certain degree if you want, but YOU have to do the work.
Please KEEP COMING BACK, we do care very very much.
Again, WELCOME TO SR.
Love and hugs,
thanks so much
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 52
Originally Posted by prodigal
"Once again" is the red flag rearing its head for me. Apparently, you've been told multiple times that he is not drinking.
You would not believe the places I've found empty - and sometimes full! - bottles when I'm housecleaning. I was recently going through boxes of old vinyls (records) we both collected in college. There in the box was a full bottle of cheap brandy. I guess AH put it there an forgot.
If you've been lied to before about the drinking, chances are good the lying will continue. I can't say that I understand why an A hides the bottles. But they frequently do. And we frequently come across them.
I'm not an A. I have no desire to hide bottles, hide my drinking - when I decide I want a drink. Frankly, I'm not obsessed with my drinking. It's just something I do on occasion.
Please fill us in on more of the details of your situation, if you so desire.
You would not believe the places I've found empty - and sometimes full! - bottles when I'm housecleaning. I was recently going through boxes of old vinyls (records) we both collected in college. There in the box was a full bottle of cheap brandy. I guess AH put it there an forgot.
If you've been lied to before about the drinking, chances are good the lying will continue. I can't say that I understand why an A hides the bottles. But they frequently do. And we frequently come across them.
I'm not an A. I have no desire to hide bottles, hide my drinking - when I decide I want a drink. Frankly, I'm not obsessed with my drinking. It's just something I do on occasion.
Please fill us in on more of the details of your situation, if you so desire.
He works out preety much on daily basis and runs as well. He runs marathons for various causes.
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