BeyondBSC

I am brand new to this today…I am not much of internet posting person! BUT, I am also desperate for some advice, from those who know. History: BF of only 4 ½ months, is an alcoholic. Moved in with me, was sweet…but drunk…all the time. Till one day he was angry and drunk, beating me up. I kicked him out real time. Packed his items, washed his cloths, and dropped them at his moms the next morning. He has called, I have called. We have talked and seen each other in a “safe” environment. He is very remorseful, but I am sticking to my guns that there can not be a romantic relationship, only a friendship. I feel so sorry for him. He is very alone, and out of control. All of his friends are avoiding, his mom doesn’t want him at the house, he has no money, no job, no reason to go on…oh, but he does have the desire and where with all to get his daily case of Natural Ice. Last night he wrote me a “I can not go on” note. I went to his house, to be supportive. We were talking in the car for a minute; he went into the house for smokes, and another beer, and to cut his wrist. He got into my car, talked for about three minutes until I noticed the blood running down his hand. I rushed him to the hospital, and I left him there. Angry, that he would do that. The hospital released him. I am not sure how they can do that, I mean it was bad, but he was completely calm. I have not been able to get a hold of him. I feel like this is my fault! Since I have no frame of reference, never been involved with someone this extreme, I need someone to tell me what I need to do…or not do.

bookwyrm

breathe... You sound in such a panic! Please, take a deep breath and try to calm down.

If you've been on this forum you should have heard of the three C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you certainly can't cure it! The only thing you can control is you and your reactions to what is going on around you.

Your XAB is an adult and is responsible for himself! You are not to blame for his actions. It does sound as if he is in full emotional manipulation mode. You might have to consider taking a step back and thinking things through.

He is physically violent to you when drunk. You say he is out of control. Yet he is in control enough to know how to keep you worrying about him, 'supporting' him and being there for him when no one else seems to be. You deserve SO much more than this.

Take the time to read through the Classic Reading thread at the top of the forum. There is a wealth of information there. I found it eye opening to say the least!

Some more experienced heads should be here soon to share their experiences with you. In the meantime, please take care of YOU.

kingston

First of all this IS NOT YOUR FAULT! You have nothing to do with his behavior. He is reaping the rewards of his actions- it's called consequences.

Hopefully he will learn from them and end up in a better/sober place, either way you have no control over it.

He can find the money and energy to get his booze - hopefully he'll find the same level of commitment to get into recovery.

The hospital probably released him probably because it wasn't serious enough both "the cut" and his mental state.

Sorry to sound so harsh but this is pure manipulation on his part. When my XAH pulled this crap (for over 20 years) I fell for it every time. It never got any better for me or for him until I left 100%. For me I wish I had RUN and RAN AWAY FAST the first time it happened instead of wasting all those years.

Peace to you - K.

sam79

This to me looks very much like attention seeking.
My bf used to do it alot, self harming and suicide threats, holding a knife to his throat etc.
You cannot do anything but leave him to this. He will not stop if he knows its a way of getting you to feel sorry for him and rush to his aid everytime he cuts himself.
Also the more you get involved the more you are getting dragged into this and its not a healthy way to live.
You need to stay detatched from this man, no matter what.
I NEVER have anything to do with my bf if he does anything like this.

You can get through this, just try and stay strong.xx

sam

Freedom1990

That is emotional abuse at its finest.

Turn him over to God and cut him loose.

Otherwise he will suck you in deeper and deeper until you are drowning right beside him.

BeyondBSC

Thank you all for your comments. I do feel as though I have been sucked into something that I didn’t see coming, even though I DID see it coming. It is all very textbook. Your comments will help me to not call, not stop by, not communicate with him. Not feeling responsible, is tougher for me, but I can muddle through that.

BeyondBSC

My mother will be landing here in 15 minutes from out of state. I have not told her much about the BF. She has been kept in the dark and normally we are extremely close, we are more like sisters. I am nervous about the conversation, the explanation of why I have no money, what has been happening over the past four months. I feel like I should tell her, that maybe that will help me to control my emotions a little better, stick to my guns, make me accountable for me reactions…I do not want to burden her though, it is CHRISTMAS! Plus I worry about him showing up. He lives right over the hill and can see my home if he crosses the street. The police were involved two weeks ago when he snapped out. I got a temp PFA but did not press charges; I didn’t want to send him to jail.

hello-kitty

Do tell your mother! Don't isolate yourself from the ones who love you the most and can help you. Reach out for help from her.

Keep us posted.

GiveLove

Christmas or not, the one thing that I will NEVER tire of hearing is a family member finding the courage to say, "GL, I've been going through kind of a rough patch lately, and I was wondering if you had any good ideas for getting through it."

I'd be willing to bet that your mom's heart would swell three sizes at being trusted with this information, and at being asked for her thoughts on the matter. There is such bravery involved in being able to say, "Yeah, I might've screwed up here a little bit getting mixed up in this, but I'm finding my way out NOW."

Consider it, anyway. Be willing to call the police BEFORE you open the door if he shows up. People who think they have nothing left to lose, and who have pinned all their hopes on you, can be just plain dangerous.

BeyondBSC

As I said earlier, I am new to all of this. So I have some questions. Is it always manipulation? Can I be friend this man that I had this relationship with? When he is crying and upset, telling me how lonely he is can I believe him? And finally, how can I, ignore and discount, this person who I cared about and saw some good in when he is so low?
What if…what if he ends up dead…
I spoke with him last night. When I asked him why he would do this…to me…he said because I wanted you to be with me. I went into basically how crazy that is, how that is the reason why I could NOT be with him and he said that he knows.
To clarify where I am at in my head, I know that I don’t “need” anything from him to fulfill my life. I am 100% independent. My reason for remaining in contact with him, is so that he is not so alone in this world. What are the rules surrounding being a support?

Barbara52

One thing I have learned about the As I know and love is that I cannot be the support system they need to get sober and truly work at recovery because I do not know what they are going thru. I am not an A. I do not know or understand what they are going through. For me the best thing I can do is give them the numbers/addresses of AA or others who can be their support system.

Freedom1990

There are literally tens of thousands of recovering alcoholics in this country in the fellowship of AA.

Did it ever occur to you that by being his 'friend' perhaps you may be indirectly hindering his chances of ever hitting a bottom and reaching out for that help from others who have been where he is?

I was a master manipulator in my active alcoholism.

My parents were my best enablers, they were my 'support' system for a long time.

Today I know that they did the best that they could with what they had at the time. However, it is possible to kill with kindness.

My EXAH was buried last year at the age of 47. He had a great set of enablers his entire life. He never found recovery.

CNMC2C

He's not alone in this world...he has his best friend with him....alcohol. The kindest thing that you can ever do for him....is walk away from him. He's a big boy, let him take care of himself and maybe, just maybe...with no one around to enable him...he might find his way to recovery. He's not your problem. Keep the focus on yourself and move on with your life.

BeyondBSC

I want to see him safe. After the events of the past two weeks, I know that he is not safe with me. I think that when he is with me, or talks to me, it makes him feel more…ummmm…desperate or something. How do I tell him to go and get the help he needs, not to depend on me to help him? And what do I have to do to follow up? Just stay away completely?
I DON’T understand the depths of being an A. That is what I am so afraid of. That I will do or say something that will push him further and the next time it won’t be for attention but for real.
So do I call/not call...explain to him why I am calling/not calling...to be honest, I don't think that he is capable of hearing me. I also have a gut feeling that no matter what it is I do, it is not going to matter.
He has spent a lifetime batteling this. He has been locked up...he has been run over, arrested, homeless lost his child, his self respect and he has also been clean and he has been sober. He knows what he needs to do to make his life right, I am a virgin at this, not him.
When I started dating him, he told me that he worried that I would not understand that his recovery was the most important thing to him (1 yr 4 mnths), he never gave me an oppertunity to understand the process, he started drinking.

Barbara52

I assume you have mentioned in the past that he has an alcoholi problem? That's it. YOU don't have to do a thing more. Don't answer the phone. Don't open your door. He knows where to go if he wants help I'm sure. He is an adult responsible for his choices, good and bad.


You aren't that powerful. He will do what he does regardless of what you or do not do. You do not control him.

Yup. Pay him the compliment of treating him like the adult he is and stop trying to rescue him.

GiveLove

beyond, I often have to look at Barbara52's signature line to get a quick reminder:

What is missing from all of this is how you feel about it, aside from the guilt and the what-ifs. Does it make you feel good inside to be with him? If he were a stranger on the street, would you WANT to be friends with someone who is mentally unbalanced, as he appears to be? It seems you are making decisions based on what you-the-rescuer should do, protecting your future self from guilt (guilt over things you can't control, no less), and not really based in love for yourself.

Have you made it clear that you are not interested in dating him, ever again?
Or is he still hanging on to hope, manipulating you into coming back to Save him ?

When I was involved in a similar situation, I woke up one morning after a particularly threatening and self-pitying exchange the night before, and realized what I really felt: I was violently nauseated by the whole situation. I was sickened and wanted nothing to do with it, but I hadn't let myself feel that until then.

That morning, my life started to turn around, as I cut him loose to move on with his life. He's still alive and just fine, still trying to threaten his way into OTHER peoples' good graces.....

Take care of YOU. You can't save him from himself.

Hugs, GL