alcoholic brother - when to cut all contact?

Old 12-21-2008, 01:29 PM
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alcoholic brother - when to cut all contact?

My brother has been an alcoholic for over 30 years. In and out of detox, longest sustained period of sobriety is when I arranged for him to be put on probation for five years with mandatory drug testing. Did great for 5 years. That was 10 years ago, and since then, constant binges. Now he has no home, no job, nothing. Also has some potentially serious health issues. He lives 1300 miles away. When he is drinking, especially around the holidays, he calls and rambles on incoherently about all kinds of crazy stuff - his IQ is higher than mine; he was always the "responsible one"; he is the only one who can keep our family together. It is stressful and then he will usually say something which makes me furiuosly angry.

My question is: at what point is it okay to simply cut all contact? To not even answer the phone when he calls? My husband seems to think that I should not send him a letter telling him to just leave me alone "in case he commits suicide." Is my only alternative to him potentially committing suicide to continue to endure his nasty and rambling phone calls? I wouldn't take this from someone I was not related to.
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Old 12-21-2008, 01:39 PM
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Originally Posted by frand View Post

My question is: at what point is it okay to simply cut all contact?
You'll know when it's ok. It's when you've had enough, when it doesn't matter what other people think, it's when it's the right time for you.

My brother is my A too, I'd have cut all contact a while ago but I have his son living with me so it isn't so easy. He lives about 200 yards from me but I choose not to see him or have anything to do with him other than when I need to because of things regarding my nephew. It works for me.
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Old 12-21-2008, 01:59 PM
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If the alcoholics from my family call me after 2 PM I'm "busy" or "getting another call"

Before 2 PM they aren't too bad, but it's up to me to protect myself, and I stopped "announcing" I was "taking space" years ago for the most part with these folks and just quietly took it, because announcing it and saying why just lead to another round on the "Blame" "no you no you" merry go around

Gee, Look at the time, I'm getting another call, oops gotta go all work fine.
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Old 12-21-2008, 02:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Ago View Post
I stopped "announcing" I was "taking space" years ago and just quietly took it, because announcing it and saying why just lead to another round

me, too. quietly having a boundary is much more potent than explaining and defending it...

Last edited by DesertEyes; 12-21-2008 at 04:19 PM. Reason: fixed broken quote
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Old 12-21-2008, 04:02 PM
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frand,

I grew up with my Mom, so a great deal of my relationship with my AD was on the phone. It was a revelation to me when, at 19, my therapist said, "You know...you don't have to stay in awful conversations with your Dad if you don't want to. And I strongly suggest that you don't." Wow...who knew???

So...we created a phone strategy. It was pretty simple. (hard, but simple) I would always answer the phone if I was able to. If the conversation felt good to me, I'd stick with it and enjoy it. If it started down a path that didn't feel good to me, I said, "When you say things like "x", it feels bad to me. I will be happy to stay on the phone if you are willing to talk about something else (or not use those words, or change the subject-or whatever fits for you)." I would then give him a chance to switch gears. If he didn't, I would repeat above and add "....otherwise I will choose to hang up." If he still didn't change course, I would repeat everything once more. (always very calmly, matter-of-factly) If no change, then I would say "I love you very much. I am hanging up now." And then hang up - immediately.

The key thing is state your limit calmly and then follow through. Every time. Keep your distance from the (inevitable) bait.

Initially this was met with fury - screaming, obscenities, attacks - nasty and hateful. There were times I would hang up and cry and cry because I had no idea when I would speak to him again. Sometimes it was months. However, I was drawing a boundary that he eventually learned not to cross. It took time, but it changed our relationship. Most importantly, it changed me. I realized I could choose "where to put myself."

My therapist and I worked hard on this one. It was in some significant ways life-saving for me and I triuly believe it helped get my relationship with my Dad to a place of mutual respect. Years later we were able to reconcile some things. I am so grateful for that.

As I said, it was so hard to do- especially at first. But it was an investment in myself that was well worth it in the end.

Take good care...
TH

Last edited by Tarheel; 12-21-2008 at 04:27 PM.
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Old 12-22-2008, 11:44 AM
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Hello Frand my name is allen moser and i am 23 years old, i know i am kinda young to be giving suggestions or advice, whatever you call it but i am a recovering alcohlic/drug addict and i am a chemical dependency counselor and i would recommend that you should never give up on him for any reason at all. the reason i say this is because he does not live with you and you are not enabling him whatsoever, so whenever he does call if i was you i would just tell him that i love him and it makes me sad to see what you are doing to yourself. that is what i would do, i wish you the best of luck my friend and i will pray for you
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Old 12-22-2008, 04:05 PM
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thanks

My heartfelt thanks to everyone who responded. I appreciate your willingness to give me your thoughts and share your experiences. It is more helpful than you can imagine. It is so, so very hard for me not to get so angry and I can see that the key to this is to learn NOT to do that. Thanks again.
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Old 12-26-2008, 11:41 AM
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well you dont have to give up, and you can tell him that. and you can always be there for him, loving, and encouraging of the good and healthy decisions he makes- and you can tell him that. but you have a right to love him from across the country and talk to him on whatever terms you feel okay with. whether that is just an occassional letter, or not at all.

i had no contact with my brother, also an alcoholic, probably since i was 20 or so completely, after a chaotic episode where he threatened to kill me and rear ended my car. from 17- 20yo i attempted no contact.and before that- i WISH i attempted no contact.

they dont change until they change and sometimes thats just easiest. you can let him know you care and you love him but you have to live your own life and sometimes its healthiest with out others bringing you down.
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