Hope

I have been doing very well in my recovery. I have a pretty strong and solid recovery and I've been working very hard at it and keeping it first in my life.

I have been sober for 77 days and so far, haven't really had any cravings or thoughts about drinking.

However, now with the holiday season here and my college semester has ended, it has been all I can think about for the last few days.

The thoughts are.... "I'm done with the semester, so what's wrong with celebrating?"
And

"It's the holidays, many people are drinking now."

And I know these thoughts are lies. And I know I can't drink because I can't handle it.

I know I can't have just one drink and leave it alone. So I know that my body can't handle alcohol.

But it's still hard right now.

My grandparents' health is failing and it's so painful for me to watch. I know it's a part of life, but my mom has been so mean to me about everything.

And she expects me to keep the strong front at all times. She's also mean to me about why it's taking me so long to finish college. She should be thankful that I am even still in college and trying!

I went through hell the last few years and my parents should be proud of the fact that I never gave up and that I'm still here. But I can't change my parents.

My new family has to come in the form of friends. I cannot count on my family to support what I'm doing.

It just hurts. And today more than ever, I feel like drinking.

I'm safe today because the liquor store is closed, but I need to stay strong tomorrow and not give in.

It would be a shame to throw my 77 days away for a night of drinking that will do nothing but bring me misery, guilt, and shame.

Life hurts sometimes and I am learning to face it without running to alcohol.

This time of year is the most challenging for me sobriety wise.

But I plan to take it one day at a time and welcome the new year sober and with a clear mind!

I'm just coming here and being honest about my thoughts. Now when I put it out there, I'm not in my own head anymore.

Hope

P.S. Sorry that was so long. I didn't know it had gotten that long, I was just getting my thoughts out of my head.

Mariposa18

Hope~ First of all Congratulations on 77 Days! That's a great accomplishment and you should be very proud. You did the right thing, came here and talked it out instead of drinking, that is GREAT! I know the Holidays bring out all these feelings and having Family issues just make it worse, trust me, I understand. Just keep reminding yourself that picking up that first drink won't just be 1 and that it will put you right back where you DON'T want to be.

Keep your head up and stay strong Sweetie~

Hope

(((Mariposa))) Thanks sweetie!

Hope

After January 1, I think it'll get a little easier.

I just have to survive December 21- January 1.

The holidays always plays tricks on my mind concerning alcohol.

Hevyn

Hey Hope - I so relate to everything you said (though FAR from college age myself!) I have all those temptations, the season is a killer this year for me. I tanked badly last January & barely pulled myself out of it. I too have very unhelpful family members, mainly my mother, who just never got it and remains unbending in her disgust for my lack of "discipline".

I hope by writing out your thoughts like you did, you will find some relief from the build up of stress. I know it's helping me to write this right now! So thanks for that - I think we will make this! I think we will kick this disease's butt this holiday season - but it does require being almost superhuman.

Mariposa18

Hope~ I understand. I honestly hate the Holiday season! I really don't want to drink, just want the pain I'm feeling right now to go away. It's not so much the physical need for it anymore as the numbing I want. I really don't have the desire for a drink, but I want the effect of it. Does that make sense?

Just a few more days Hope, just a few more days...

I think I'd enjoy Christmas A LOT more if I could spend it with just my Hubby and Kids, or if I make sure other Family members were on their best behavior. But we can't control others and I have to remind myself that I shouldn't let things bother me so much, you know?

Sorry, you were looking for support and to vent and here I am hijacking! =( Sorry~

Sugah

Good to see you, Cheryl. Where are you finding your support?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

ExNavyInHouston

That's exactly what brought me to this website for the first yesterday - SHAME.

I want more for me to never feel that shame again then I feel the desire to drink or the pride I get from not drinking.

Stay strong!

Reading your stories and the others here are what are keeping me shame at bay.

CarolD

Good job of thinking the drink thru to the destructive
events that always happen to you when you drink

Prayer helps me immensley in dealing with whatever
is disturbing me.
My noon AA meeting was on Gratitude
I left with joy in my heart.

How about starting your Gratitude list ?

Aysha

I know how it feels with the holidays Cheryl.

This is the worst time usually for me. I go into turbo overdrive destruction for many reason this time of year.
But not this time.

I am so sorry your not getting the support you deserve and need from your family. I cant begin to imagine what thats like.

Just concentrate on yourself and dont let ANYONE!! make or break you. Your doing so good. And we care and see what progress your making.

Keep posting and let it all out.
I dont care how long the post is. You get all that mess out and you will feel alot better.
Big Hugs sweety.

Hope

Thanks everyone!

I feel better already after talking it through!

I know I'll get through this: one day at a time.

I don't need alcohol because I have a vision/goals for my life. Alcohol would destroy all of that. Today, I actually made a 5 year plan and I wrote out all of my educational and career goals for the next 5 years.

With alcohol, it would take away all of these goals and shut doors in my life.

If I stay sober, these goals can come true.

I choose recovery and continuing my freedom from alcohol.
Being free feels good.

choose2bhappy

You can get through the holidays without drinking. I know it is hard when you look to comfort and support from family and there is none there. That is why AA and NA are huge fellowships...because we all need it It is ok.

Be proud of yourself for getting your education! That is a big big deal! You are going to have your own career, buy a house, meet all kinds of new interesting people...and have a family of your own one day. I think sometimes family gets jealous..maybe even threatened by others success. Mothers are known to do this..she may not even realize it. Do not let anyone sabotage you and your bright future.


Stay away from that liquor store! There are lots of good movies out right now..the gyms are running specials..AA has lots of events to keep us from climbing the walls.

Keep sharing!! You should be proud of yourself. Tomorrow is 78

Hope

This is a great thread with great messages.

I will save it and keep referring to it for strength as I go through this holiday season.

Horselover

Hope this is a great thread thanks to you. I really wanted to post about how hard it is lately, but I feel I post too much. I am glad you did it. I am right with you and Joanie here. I have 7 months or somewhere around there and I have felt like I could easily throw it away and that old addict voice keeps saying, "You weren't that bad and maybe you don't have a problem." Blah, blah, blah . . . I have my husband to remind me of how bad I was and I am lucky to have that support. I have leaned hard on him the past few days. We just bought a juicer today with some Christmas money my Dad sent and I am going to juice, juice, juice! Its not alcohol and that's a good thing. Love you Hope and again, thanks for posting. I also need to read what people have to say here.

Change4life

****{HoPE}}} Please dont give into the lies. 77 days is amazing I would do almost anything to be able to say that. I cant even get 1 day in. I use to be able to stop for awhile, but always went back for almost the same reasons you stated, but this time Im stuck I cant stop. I will probably die because of that. Please dont give in you are on your way stay there!!!!!!
Much love being sent your way

Hope

Hi HL!

I am glad you posted!

I am glad for all of your posts. So please don't ever feel like you post too much. Please post, post, post, and don't worry about posting too much. You can post as much as you want or need to! It helps to talk about it.

We're always here for you!
Love you HL!

Dee74

on my way out...but ((((Cheryl)))

and HL....noone posts too much!
we're here to help - that's our purpose here

D

Hope

Beth,

I wrote a message for you on your thread. I hope it offers even a little glimpse of hope and to show you that recovery is possible even when it sometimes feels hopeless.


Dee,

Good to hear from ya!

Hope

I posted my experience on Beth's thread but I thought I'd post this part here on my thread too so hopefully it might offer even one person a little hope.

This is what happened to me over the summer:

How it started: I had some sober time. And then got the idea that I was "cured" and could have 1 drink.

Fast forward to a few months later: still drinking.

Over the summer, I began drinking again and got "stuck". And for months, I could not get 1 sober day. I'd vow to quit and by the end of the day, I'd be heading down the road to buy a bottle. And this went on day after day, for a few months. I did not think I'd ever get back to recovery.

But I continued to surround myself with recovery and I'd come on SR and read posts for hope and inspiration. I was desperate for any glimmer of light.

Finally, one day I got the courage to quit and embrace recovery. I put the drink down and started working on myself and working on the wreckage of my life.

I won't lie, some days I get very discouraged with the mess I made of my life.

But life is better now than it was when I was drinking.