2sweetbabies

This is my first post, so I apologize that I do not know the "lingo". Apparently my husband has been drinking for a long time and I didn't realize how bad it was. I can now go back and see all the red flags and neon signs, but I just didn't get it. I let him make excuses and then I perpetuated them. I have been to one Al-Anon meeting so far and he has been to 2 AA meetings. He tried to make a 3rd today, but he had the location wrong. So, he's trying and I'm trying to be patient and realize this cannot be fixed overnight.

I don't have time to dive into my entire story, but I just would like to read some positive stories. I am saddened to see many posts that include divorce. I fully believe in divorce, but am hoping that we can work through our problem. My deciding moment came a week ago Thursday when I found another empty vodka bottle hidden in the garage. So, this is all very new to me.

So, with that said...let me have it. The good, the bad...the in between. I'm sure I need a reality check on many levels, but I truly want my marriage to work.

Daisy30

Welcome!

I don't have a saved marriage story....but I know quite a few in my Al- anon group do and othrs have divorced, some have seperated, and some continue to live together

I think it all depends on you. What do you want to do. SOmetimes what we can handle today....we no longer can handle tomorrow

Keep posting, we have all been in your shoes

Oh and don't forget to check out the "classic reading" sticky

faith12

I love a call for the positive because there seriously are many situations that have worked out. Unfortunatley I think most of us get a little preoccupied with the stories that don't work out. I'd love to see them as well though! People do get sober and good lives do go on. I've seen them around me. Just wish I could say the same for my own. Unfortunately I can't post!

2sweetbabies

Thank you for taking the time to reply, Daisy. I have read through some of the classic reading. I'm just in that bogged down/overwhelmed stage. He ended up "quitting" on me tonight. He said he was feeling like what they had described as a dry drunk and they (his AA group) said that he should lay down when that happens. I don't really understand this, but I'm trying to. So, he went to bed at 8:30 and I'm up doing laundry and researching so I can try to not be resentful of him right now.....thankfully I'm starting to get too tired to be resentful.

2sweetbabies

And thank you, Faith.... laundry is calling...blah

ToughChoices

Welcome to the forum, 2sweetbabies!


Like you, I was blindsided by my husband's drinking. I, too, found an empty vodka bottle that prompted a conversation I NEVER imagined I'd be having.
My husband is an alcoholic.

In the beginning I was terrified by this fact.
I feared that it signaled the end of all my dreams.

But I know now that my dreams are not over - they've been renewed.

People find recovery every day. Some marriages survive the battle of addiction. Many do not.

There is no way of knowing what will happen - how you or your husband will change and grow through this process. When I stopped trying to force the future to look that way I wanted it to and opened my mind to the possibility that life was unfolding as it should, I found recovery for myself.

It is an amazing journey.
I am happier today than I have ever been. My husband is still drinking.
I do not know if our marriage will make it through this, but I know that I will.

Keep posting and reading.
I'm glad that you found us!

-TC

DesertEyes

Hello there SweetBabies, and pleased to "meet" you

I know a lot of happy endings from the meetings I go to. My sponsor and his wife have been married 42 years, and they're the most loving couple I know. The first half dozen years they were drunks, and got recovery thru AA.

I'm currently dating an addict who's working her recovery really hard. We've been living together a whole year now. I have no idea if our relationship will have a happy ending, but I've learned in al-anon that as long as I focus on having a happy ending for _today_, then everything else will work out fine.

Not that our lives are perfect either, she's had two relapses this year, one of those put her in the hospital for almost a week. Today we're good, we're working our separate programs as best we can and letting our HP take care of the rest.

Mike

2sweetbabies

Since I'm still doing laundry, I decided to check back in.
Thank you for your other responses.

I have been making it through the last few days by the whole "handle today and today only" mentality. But then I look at my 2 sweet babies (yeah, I'm original) and I feel like I need to look a little further down the road.

Oh, and can any of you explain dry drunk to me? Should I post that as a new thread?

Still Waters

The fact that he's been told and believes he's a dry drunk (and is addressing it), is a positive thing. Many never get to that point, and simply continue living a delusion.

It takes time 2sweet, and it takes a LOT of patience

FormerDoormat

I think when people come looking for positive outcomes and success stories on this forum they're still hoping against all hope that there's an easy solution to alcoholism. But alcoholism is a progressive condition. Left unchecked, it's a fatal disease. For the minority of folks who are able to achieve and maintain life-long sobriety, it's still a chronic illness that requires daily maintenance to keep in check.

The reality of the situation is even for those folks who can reach sobriety, they often have real physiological and emotional struggles to stay sober and their recovery is often short lived and filled with relapses.

In the long run, most partners of addicts decide to get off of the constant roller coaster ride. Once I got support for myself, I realized it was no way to live and I couldn't live my life with an alcoholic. Ultimately my boyfriend (of 24 years) ended up drinking himself to death.

That doesn't mean I'm not a success story. My relationship wasn't successful, but I'm happy today and Alanon and SR helped me make some really tough choices (like ending my relationship) in order to be able to live a life that's happy, healthy, and free from the effects of another's person addiction.

What's more important to you this evening? Doing the laundry or figuring out what you want out of life? The laundry can wait. Your peace mind and happiness can't.

Ago

Hi SB and welcome to Friends and Family,

My experience is exactly the opposite of Doormat's actually, although that is probably because I am an alcoholic and attend AA meetings regularly, and I know thousands of alcoholics, it's just that they happen to be sober, and they stay that way by attending meetings and working the twelve steps of alcoholics anonymous, there are people there that relapse, and some that never get it, and there are "dry drunks" which means they are not "recovered" which means they aren't drinking, they just haven't addressed what made them drink in the first place, generally they are difficult to be around, and even as an alcoholic sometimes I just wish they'd have a drink and relax, they are so hard to be around.

The people who regularly go to meetings and work the twelve steps generally get and stay sober in my experience, not always but regularly enough so I have many many friends I met when I got sober in 1992, and they are still sober today, I am the exception in "my gang" since I am the one who drank.

Most of my "contemporaries" are in their early thirties to late forties/early fifties and generally have between 17 and 25 years of continuous sobriety, with every variation in between.

Alcoholics with long term sobriety that actually work the steps and "the program" are wonderful people to be around, and I know many of my friends are or have been married for years, are raising families, sometimes to other recovering alcoholics, sometimes to "normies", although we (recovering alcoholics) also sometimes either marry people who become alcoholics, or "relapse" then we end up here (alanon)

I often say if I want to see active alcoholics, I go to bars, but if I want to see sober alcoholics, I go to AA meetings, are there any large open meetings in your area? Like Chip Meetings? There are "birthday meetings" here, one has 2-300 people, one has 3-500 people, one in the City has over 1000, these meetings celebrate sobriety and you see entire families, they all go out to dinner and then watch mom/dad/Jr get a "chip" for "X" years of sobriety, if there is a large city near you maybe go to one of these "birthday meetings" both to get your husband inspired and so you can get an idea of what you are "looking at".

I'm presently involved with a normie, but I was involved with a wonderful woman who is a sober alcoholic with 21 years of continuous sobriety for many years, and a more wonderful example of womanhood and gentle unconditional love you will never meet (present relationship excepted of course) (we broke up because I left the area, we are close friends today)

In my experience though, and my experience around this is fairly extensive, with working with sponsees and attending meetings for over 16 years is, both partners have to "work" on themselves, if only one partner grows and gets into recovery the relationship is ...shaky at best, and that's when relationships don't survive, that's pretty much nearly a mathematical certainty, although not always the case, some stay together with the alcoholic just "quitting drinking" and the "Co" just accepting the "status quo" but truth be told there is nothing about those folks relationships I personally find attractive and that's one O' them understatement thingies.

To sum up, there are tons of "success stories" out there, but the important question is "How are you going to take care of yourself regardless of whether he gets sober or not? What steps will you take for your recovery?"

Sorry to be so blunt at the end, but I have learned unless I address my own "codie" issues, it doesn't matter whether they drink or not, I stay miserable, although for me, the truth is I couldn't stay with an active alcoholic and stay sober and happy but wearing the "sober alcoholic hat" the same was true for me dating an untreated "Co" when I got sober, by the time we broke up I wished she'd have taken up drinking....or...sleeping pills.....

Anyhow, just like "It takes two to tango" ...or...fight.......in my opinion and direct experience it takes "two to get well together" as well to have a happy healthy relationship, if you read around a bit, you start noticing the "recovered sounding nice people" with "successful sounding relationships" both talk about having "done work" and you hear about their spouses/GF's/BF's generally speaking also have some form of recovery or therapy in their past/present.

To be perfectly honest though my "data" may be "skewed" as I run from practicing alcoholics like my @ss is on fire now though after having been "burned" badly by them one too many times (family and one relationship) but sober alcoholics can be wonderful people, we have many here at F & F including a few posters on this thread.

ChangingMyself

Great post, Andrew.

It is my understanding that one person working a program will generally have a positive effect on the other partner and/or family members (whether the latter are in recovery or not)--to use Toby Rice Drews' maxim, "If it's good for you (recoverer), it's good for them (non-recoverer/s)."

While relatively new (~5 mos.) to recovery myself and as such it is probably too early for me to definitively discern from my own personal experience, I have nonetheless noticed positive (however slight) effects in my sometimes-active, sometimes-dry or-sober A.

brundle

I've been to Al-Anon off and on; there have been lots of success stories. Stories of partners staying together.

I think there are many of us who come to SR who are driven here after years of spouses who fall of the wagon or progressive drinking. Then you need more then just a meeting you need to know that daily (if you need it) there is a support system that understands you. When you feel others can't.

I look at people like FormerDoormat and Denny57 and others (to me) are positive stories; I always hope that my pain stops and my story ends something like theirs. If you stay long enough I'm sure you'll find people you can relate to.

Welcome! There are some really great and wise people here. Sorry you had to meet them because of this issue...

HUGS

steve11694

Outcomes according to this forum are skewed in that usually the people here do not salvage their relationships with the addict. Addicts can and do recover all the tiime and many relationships are saved BUT, and this is the BIG BUT; you do not know who will recover or the timeframe.

Addicts have found sobriety many ways including 12 step programs.

denny57

I could share anecdotal stories of other people's successes, meaning in this case, their marriages or relationships, but I've learned that only two people know the true store - the two involved. Everyone who knew me and xAH, including our friends of 15 years or more, thought we had the perfect marriage.

I consider myself a success.

Lilyflower

My story is successful, however I did not stay with my ex alcoholic boyfriend. We were together nearly 5 years. I found recovery and was getting healthier, but I found that I still could not concentrate on me and detach easily with him in my life as he was still actively drinking and out of work and running up our debts on drink/drugs while I was trying to earn enough to stay afloat. I decided for me and my daughter (not his) that I had to end that.

I told him to go, he chose to go, and go far. He now lives in Scotland whereas I am in Liverpool England. I still speak to him. I still love him, in a platonic way now though. Will we ever get back together? Probably not no! - he is still him LOL! By that I mean, he is drinking less, and believes he has his drinking ''under control'' which I know means he is heading for another major downturn in the future. He is still unemployed, he is still homeless, nearly a year after he left. He is currently living off the goodwill of others. He still cannot support himself and run his life like an adult. Things that I do not want for me or my daughter.

I feel for him, I hope he gets himself togather and finds recovery. But I have learnt that his choices are not mine, and I am protected from his by the choices I made. I live my life each day in love joy and serenity, and I try to let go of the pain I felt and remember he is ill. Which I truely believe he is and will be for a while yet.

Welcome to SR and merry christmas to you!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

FormerDoormat

Lovely post, Lily.

Ago

I would like to add that I consider you even having the courage to start attending Alanon meetings to address your own "issues" and posting here asking about all of this a "success story" all it's own.

Throw in your husband beginning to attend AA and that he has "sober alcoholics" "calling him on his BS" and the fact he is "hearing them" and knowing that just "going to bed" is the best you can do in early sobriety sometimes and we have the potential for for an incredible "success story".

Many alcoholics and codependents live their entire life in denial, denying the very existence of the elephant in the living room, never talking about it.

The special courage it takes to even begin "recovery" for both the alcoholic and the codependent is a special success story all it's own, and I would like to say I deeply honor you both very much for it, and I will be praying for the success of your marriage, there is always room in this world for another success story and for a little more love.

This may not be entirely fair to her, and may place pressure on her, but in my opinion, if you want to see what recovery for the codependent looks like in action, go through and read ToughChoice's posts and history and Giveloves posts, when we begin to attend meetings we are told to look for someone who "has what we want" and we ask them to sponsor us so we can find what they did in these "rooms" and to me, those two women have exactly what I was looking for when I got here, and to me, they typify and personify "recovery", and what "recovery" looks like, for me, as a man, I would ask Deserteyes Mike to sponsor me as he has the same "unconditional love" and "recovery" in his posts as they do, and it's suggested (strongly) that we have our sponsor be the same sex.

So, I just wanted to say Good Luck, and may you find in these "rooms" what I did, which was unconditional love and recovery from my own codependent addiction and behaviors, and once again, I consider you a "success story" for even having the courage to begin this journey.

miss communicat

what great responses and WELCOME 2sweetbabies!!

I'm glad you are here, and want you to know that there is always hope for restoration for an alcoholic who WANTS it. And there is always hope for restoration for the partners of alcoholics, who need it.

What works for me is to take good care of myself, to stay in the day, and to trynot to focus on another person's recovery too much. Be honest with myself about what is acceptable to me and to learn as much as I can about the options available.

Seems like you are doing all that!

Stick around and let us get to know you a little more, okay?

steve11694

I have a colleague that recovered(make that 2 colleagues) and salvaged his wife/family. Wife was very good at detaching and doing her own thing. Essentially they lived separate lives til he decided he had had enough and got sober. He recalls that the only thing that really mattered was drinking. Working was required to finance the booze and he never drank before work, only after. When he felt the need to drink before work his better judgement aka fear of being fired and loosing professional license was motivation to quit.

Sure there are happy endings but don't look for them on this forum.