sleepygoat

AD blew me off for Thanksgiving, and it seems like more of the same for Christmas.

She ignored me on Mother's day too. (and for 2 months after) and is well aware of how much hurt that caused me. I was suicidal at that time. She apoligized, i forgave her, and the dance started all over again...
Soooo, what she is doing is deliberate abuse, as my husband pointed out today.

I want out. I'm tired of this pain.

2 choices: (that is, once she calls me again. she always eventually does because I am still of use to her)

1) cut off all contact with her to avoid getting sucked back into it and getting hurt again. (So final; so scary. What if she dies and I don't know it? what if she gets clean and i don't know it?)

2) become so detached, so unattached to 'outcomes' or 'behavior' that nothing she does can touch me one way or the other. (So difficult to do with such a master manipulator! she knows how to push my bottons.)

Anyone with experience with #'s 1 or 2, please tell he how...

marle

Sleepy, As you probably know from my story, I had very limited contact with my daughter for a period of 14 months. Saw her for a total of 5 hours during that time and rarely talked to her, did the texting every few weeks just to see if she was alive. Did not hear from her on Christmas that year. It was the most incredibly painful period of my life so I absolutely understand how you are feeling. My biggest fear during that period of time was that I would never see her again. Each time that contact was made I thought it would be the last time. The ONLY thing that helped me was to give her to God knowing that He would watch over her. I had to accept His will in her life. Addiction is so incredibly selfish. Your daughter does love you but right now she can't love you. Does that make sense to you. I had to totally wrap my mind around the fact that what my daughter was doing was not personal. She was being controlled by her addiction. I had two choices. I could continue to dance with her and I could have contact with her on her terms or I could let go and continue to live my life. The grief was there either way but by living my life, I allowed her to live hers. I found happiness despite the grief. I hope that helps. Sending prayers your way and big, big hugs, Marle

notsleepingwell

Sleepy....you read my post and replied, so you know my story...What can I say....be careful what you wish for. My daughter had been missing for 7 mos. My GrandSon and I missed her soooo much. We prayed sooooo hard for her to return to us, and I didn't think anything could be as painful as not knowing where she was or if she was safe, if she had food...
They sure land on their feet. And such users!!! The only way she'd stay here after rehab....was if the precious boyfriend could come. Never mind that her son was here. 1mth turned into 2, into 3 on and on. We had differences this past year. But somehow, the fights were always about the boyfriend. I would get irritated a 31 year old man was just lying around, she would talk and talk and somehow snow me into 1 more month, then they'd be on their feet.
How stupid can ya be. Marle has awesome advice. You know...when I read on here about other's who had bad experiences, I thought, well, that won't happen to us, cause my daughter is such a joy, and it was just soooo wonderful for me and my grandson to have her here. She helped with cooking, cleaning and of course I didn't need a babysitter.
Hang in there...it's a roller coaster ride....ups and downs...

mooselips

(((Sleepygoat))))
The other night at a meeting someone mentioned this thought:
"Suffering is Optional"

And it is SO true. You can let yourself be a part of the hurtfulness, or you can detach from all the chaos, and turmoil, and live your life. AND, you can do it with a smile on your face.


We love them SO much, and want SO much for them to be well, and to live a productive life, but, Sleepy, it's not our choice. Their H.P. is with them all the time, and HIS will, will be done. The sooner we believe that, the better our lives will be.

Meetings, meetings, meetings. They help SO much.


(lots of Sos )

Hugs....

winnie12

I think sometimes that its not so much of letting go of my AS but letting go of the idea of who my child is and my own dreams for him. We all have such pride and joy in our children when they are little - we think they will grow up to be happy, successful, decent people but then when they dont end up like that we have a hard time accepting it. I'm 43 years old and my mother still sees me as her baby - so full of potential. (for me its a great thing because there is love between us and i love knowing that someone looks at me for what i can be.)

I know what my AS could have been and how he has been but now he is a different person and if i can just learn to accept that he did not grow up to be what I imagined and instead is who he is right now then I can let go of a lot. We want a child who is happy and who loves us - yes even one who remembers us on mothers day and our birthday - but you and I dont have that type of child. It will be easier on us both if we can learn to not expect these things from our children who right now arent capable. We deserve better but we may just have to give ourselves the better things instead of hoping and feeling disappointed that our children arent coming around.

JMFburns

((Sleepy))
I'm struggling with you. It dawned on me last night at my Nar-Anon meeting that I think I am really, finally ready for step 3!
Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
I've thought all along that I had mastered steps 1, 2 & 3 but realize that I would say I was turning my life over to God but not really meaning it. I was too afraid of not being in control, not giving my AS what he asked for, not helping him if I could - trying to be his HP and control his life, prevent his down fall, save him, etc. I feel finally ready, I want to live for me, not for my AS. Continuing to try to live his life or save him has wrecked me. I love the he!! out of him and want the world for him, but I CAN'T give it to him, only he can and if I keep standing smack dab in the middle of his HP's way it WON'T happen so I'm praying for the strength to get outta the way.

Good luck Sleepy, I wish you the best. I'm trying #1 - I'd like an occasional update on my work voicemail (changed home phone to a new unlisted #!) that he is alive and going to work on recovery, but it is killing me if I have contact so . . . I'll keep ya posted on how I do!
Joan

j0hn0than1964

Hello Sleepy,

Yes we all agree you find yourself in a tough spot that is for sure. I do not have an AD, but I can tell you I am an AS to my father. This was hard for him as well I am quite sure as I too removed myself from family functions and all others for that matter for a period of my using time. I feel you can be there for your daughter when she chooses to be there for herself. try and ask yourself what you can do or say to make as clear as you can that you love and you will there for you like you always have when she is ready to help herself and look to make a change. As I am sure you know it is not realistic for the of you to have a healthy relationship in this phase of her life. Of course we all know this is easier said than done sure....I was a product of this type of tough love and it was the very thing that allowed me to make the decision that I needed help and go to treatment as my decision and come out and work AA. This are the best first steps that can be made for all my dear.

Hugs and Prayers for you and your AD,
Love
JT

outtolunch

Somewhere along the line, I came to the conclusion that the majority population in this world does not know of Mother's Day, birthday cakes, the Easter Bunny, turkey with all the trimmins and door buster sales before Christmas. Most of what is holiday has been manufactured by the media and ploys to induce consumers to buy products.

Letting go of special day/holiday expectations and fantasies, fed by the media, was a huge relief, for me. I finally felt "grown up".

Loosing expectations of how others are supposed to react or behave, everyday, let alone on special days, has been liberating.

Spiritual Seeker

(((((((((Sleepy)))))))))))))
I personally never like absolutes. The expression "never say never" is good practice.
So sorry you are in such pain and struggling.
We've learned that our kids are incapable of feeling or caring for anyone but themselves when addicted.
My son has been in rehab for 10 months and only now he is able to make amends and see the harm he did to his family.

Detachment and support from al-anon friends helped me through the pain in past yrs.
Do this on your terms and try your best to have no expectations. It is what it is.
If your daughter were not very sick, she would not treat you this way.

sleepygoat

I hold my AD responsible for her actions when it comes to holidays and me. Period. She knows what she is doing with the phone, the holiday, and me.

I'm only looking for strategies to have a better holiday, to not 'use' myself because I am in pain - almost 5 years clean here- , to stay out of institutions for depression- but instead to keep the HAPPY focus on myself.

so far since and including Thanksgiving ('bout a month) I've only had a couple (2) really bad days. Yesterday was one of them. I was so disappointed in myself for having a really bad day again. Made me feel like a failure at this. Hopeless for myself, (not her -
God's got her).

GiveLove

What you've described pretty much sums up my relationship with almost every human being on the planet now, but it wasn't always that way. What it took was some serious counseling to fix my own damage, a stint in Al-Anon/Nar-Anon, a lot of reading, and the wisdom of the SoberRecovery community. It was not my addict relatives' fault that I was clinically depressed. It was not their responsibility to make me better. Healing myself is my responsibility, and when I started taking that as serious as a heart attack, really working it, then I started finding that I could detach better and better.

Detachment gives you such inner peace, no matter whether someone calls, doesn't, uses, doesn't, etc.

You may also consider 1 + 2 ......... go no-contact for a period of time, say a year, and work on detachment slowly during that time. Nothing's black and white here.


Hugs to you and good luck, goat. You can do this.