hanginginthere

I'M REALLY CONFUSED. I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE RIGHT THING IS ANYMORE. I HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR 5 YEARS TO AN ALCOHOLIC. HE HAS BEEN IN A TREATMENT PROGRAM ONCE, AND STAYED SOBER FOR 1 YEAR. HE REFUSES TO BELIEVE THAT ALCOHOL HAS THAT MUCH CONTROL OVER HIS LIFE. HE DRANK ON HIS ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY TO PROVE TO HIMSELF THAT HE HAS CONTROL, BUT WE ALL KNOW WHERE HE IS TODAY. HE IS RIGHT BACK WHERE HE STARTED FROM. HE DRANK WHEN I MET HIM BUT I REALLY DID NOT KNOW THE SEVERITY OF HOW MUCH. MY FATHER IS AN ALCOHOLIC WHO HAS 20 YEARS SOBER, AND I SHOULD HAVE RECOGNIZED THE SIGNS. I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND WANT TO HELP HIM. I AM SO EXHAUSTED MENATALLY. I FIND IT HARD TO GO TO WORK. I KNOW I NEED TO LOOK OUT FOR ME AND OUR CHILDREN, BUT I CAN'T HELP FEELING LIKE I AM NOT FULLY LIVING UP TO MY VOWS I MADE BEFORE MYSELF AND GOD IF I LEAVE. I FEEL AN OBLIGATION TO HELP HIM THROUGH HIS SICKNESS, I WANT TO HELP HIM. IS THIS POSSIBLE? ARE MY EFFORTS VALID, OR DOES HE EVEN CARE? I NEED TO KNOW IF THERE IS ANYTHING THAT I CAN DO. I GUESS WHAT I AM ASKING IS WHETHER OR NOT THIS PATH IS RIGHT OR WRONG?

journeygal

Hi Hanging and welcome to the forums.

It's hard to know what the right thing to do is. But only you can decide what you can and can't live with, and what's best for you and your kids, no one else. You can't help someone who won't help themselves, and no one can get your husband sober but him. He has to decide when enough is enough.

The good thing is, you don't have to make any major decisions today. Have you attended any al-anon meetings? Even though you can't help your husband, you can help yourself. Also, check out the power posts at the top of the boards. They're full of a lot of great info.

Take care and keep coming back.

Hugs,
JG

Gabe

Marriage vows are a funny thing. It takes two people to live up to them. You can stick by someone through sickness, health, richer, poorer, etc. But if they aren't sticking by you, it becomes a one-way street.
I echo journeygal's comments. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. And living with someone like that can become very self-defeating. Be gentle with yourself and try to figure out what is your best decision, one day at a time. Your happiness and the happiness of your children are just as important as your husband's illness.
Peace,
Gabe

Daffodil

Welcome;

I too am the daughter of an A. however I never remember him ever sober...That's what got me into Al-Anon....it sounds like you have now come to a chapter of your life where you can grow and go forward or you can stay stuck...

Please give yourself the gift of a new way of life and try Al-Anon....

Hope you came back here and keep in touch...

Love and prayers from one who cares

bandibabe

God helps those who help themselves!!!!

My xa2b tries to throw the Vows in my face all the time & that is total garbage!
Like Gabe said it takes 2!!!

JT

I agree...Alanon is the way to go.

Also you can educate yourself a bit about alcoholism. One thing that we all have learn is that the alcoholic will not stop drinking until the consequences become greater than the desire to drink. That means that anything that you do to make the consequences less painful will prolong the drinking.That is what we mean when we talk about enabling. Ourheartwantsustohelp and to rescue butthat is theworst thingwecando.

Take care of yourself and be sure your needs are being met...if not by him, then do it yourself. Get your mind off his issues and do nice things for yourself instead of worrying.

Oh and make yourself at home...the coffee is on and fresh...I look forward to getting to know you.

Hugs,
JT

lifelovelaffter

ok, question here....(That means that anything that you do to make the consequences less painful will prolong the drinking).. I do NOT make excuses for D, and when I do confront him about the drinking, he says I am being mean, and he doesn't know why he loves me. So, is it better to make it a HUGE issue, hoping they get tired of hearing this stuff?

journeygal

Hi life,

The short answer to your question is no, making a huge issue out of their problem won't work, even though they will grow tired of hearing it. Until they're ready to quit, they'll just use it as an excuse to drink more. Example, "I couldn't deal with you nagging me all the time about my drinking! I just had to get away and escape it all, you know? Drinking is the only thing that makes me feel better! If you wouldn't nag me so much I wouldn't drink so much!! And if you really loved me, you'd leave me alone and let me handle this. It's not like I have a problem, I can quit any time."

Any of that sound familiar?

He will stop drinking when he is ready. Nothing you will do will get him sober. It has to be his choice. He has to want it and to be ready and willing to work for it.

Hang in there,
JG