Need advice on how to leave my AH
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: ny
Posts: 41
Need advice on how to leave my AH
I dont' know how to do it! I have decided that I want to get out of this marriage. I have seen a lawyer, she and I discussed how to go about it...but how do I get the nerve to tell him? Should I just sit him down and say I'm going to stay with my mother?
I have two little children. Where should they be when I tell him? He should be able to kiss them goodbye when I leave, right?
Most important, how am I going to handle his outrage and anger and pleading for me to stay. I know he won't want this, and in the past he's told me he'll do anything it takes. But he never stuck to that "anything" and we're right back to where we were. I just don't know how I'll get the nerve to leave.
I have two little children. Where should they be when I tell him? He should be able to kiss them goodbye when I leave, right?
Most important, how am I going to handle his outrage and anger and pleading for me to stay. I know he won't want this, and in the past he's told me he'll do anything it takes. But he never stuck to that "anything" and we're right back to where we were. I just don't know how I'll get the nerve to leave.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
I wrote a very simple, matter-of-fact letter about how I felt and read it to him.
Something like:
It hurts me when you drink.
I need my own space to deal with this pain.
I want to live apart from you.
etc...
Our son was staying with my parents for the weekend, so that made the whole scene easier to handle.
I don't think anyone would benefit from having the kids on hand for this particular conversation. I didn't want mine to see the crying, pleading, anger that I knew would be a part of our talk.
You're not going to remove the children from his life completely. He will see them soon - the whole "kissing them goodbye" thing sounds like a scene from a movie - not real life.
Be concise. Don't accuse. State the facts about your feelings and be prepared for him to respond with anger and pain. It is a painful experience.
You will get through it.
Thoughts and prayers for you.
-TC
Something like:
It hurts me when you drink.
I need my own space to deal with this pain.
I want to live apart from you.
etc...
Our son was staying with my parents for the weekend, so that made the whole scene easier to handle.
I don't think anyone would benefit from having the kids on hand for this particular conversation. I didn't want mine to see the crying, pleading, anger that I knew would be a part of our talk.
You're not going to remove the children from his life completely. He will see them soon - the whole "kissing them goodbye" thing sounds like a scene from a movie - not real life.
Be concise. Don't accuse. State the facts about your feelings and be prepared for him to respond with anger and pain. It is a painful experience.
You will get through it.
Thoughts and prayers for you.
-TC
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
The best thing for me to remember when I left was that this was about ME.
It wasn't being mean, hateful or vindictive - It was making a healthy choice for my welfare. In doing that it also reminded me - that no matter how I did it - the other person was still going to feel pain, fear, hurt and anger.
I needed to do this where it was safe and calm for everyone in the home. I presented my plan in a factual manner and did my best to leave the emotional issues out of it.
It wasn't easy - but at least it avoided the drama scenes and I could relay the plan and then allow the other person time to prepare for the date of departure.
Prayers of comfort, peace and strength for you as you walk this path,
Rita
It wasn't being mean, hateful or vindictive - It was making a healthy choice for my welfare. In doing that it also reminded me - that no matter how I did it - the other person was still going to feel pain, fear, hurt and anger.
I needed to do this where it was safe and calm for everyone in the home. I presented my plan in a factual manner and did my best to leave the emotional issues out of it.
It wasn't easy - but at least it avoided the drama scenes and I could relay the plan and then allow the other person time to prepare for the date of departure.
Prayers of comfort, peace and strength for you as you walk this path,
Rita
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
I just wanted to add -
Have things packed, a reservation at a hotel, arrangements with your Mom, whatever.
I wish I had said my piece and gotten the h*ll out.
Instead, I hung around trying to reassure him that everything would be ok and that this didn't mean that I didn't love him. It was a MISERABLE night of tears and sickness - for both of us.
"I'm leaving you" is not a fun thing to hear. There's nothing you can do to make it easy for him, but you can take steps to make the aftermath less traumatic for yourself.
Good luck.
Have things packed, a reservation at a hotel, arrangements with your Mom, whatever.
I wish I had said my piece and gotten the h*ll out.
Instead, I hung around trying to reassure him that everything would be ok and that this didn't mean that I didn't love him. It was a MISERABLE night of tears and sickness - for both of us.
"I'm leaving you" is not a fun thing to hear. There's nothing you can do to make it easy for him, but you can take steps to make the aftermath less traumatic for yourself.
Good luck.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I would not have the kids anywhere near when you told him. In fact I would have everything set and be ready to walk out the door before I told him anything. Hey, that is what I did! I woke him up, said I'm moving out today and did so. I arranged to have our pastor and a RA there to talk to him while I packed stuff in the truck.
If you are going to your mother's and it's close, take the kids over the day before for a sleep over perhaps. Or at least prior to you telling you AH you are leaving. Have a friend around to help you get stuff out of the house and make sure no threats/violence takes place. If the pleading/crying/whatever starts, well, I just told him I wan't going to listen and didn't.
If you are going to your mother's and it's close, take the kids over the day before for a sleep over perhaps. Or at least prior to you telling you AH you are leaving. Have a friend around to help you get stuff out of the house and make sure no threats/violence takes place. If the pleading/crying/whatever starts, well, I just told him I wan't going to listen and didn't.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I cannot improve on ToughChoices' suggestions.
When you feel you're ready, have a plan. Have the kids elsewhere, somewhere safe. Know where you're going (hotel, mom's, new rental apartment, etc.)
Write down what you will say, all from a standpoint of your own happiness and your wish for your kids to live in a home without alcoholism.
Rehearse what you'll say. Rehearse several options for what you'll do if things get heavy. Consider meeting him somewhere other than your home to do this. Neutral ground can sometimes provide a buffer. Plan for retrieving your things when you can have someone there with you to be sure nothing bad happens.
Sometimes, tired, you just have to put the wheels in motion so you can't back out. Follow the lawyer's advice too. If you're sure you want out, line up a rental. Do what's right for you.
Prepare yourself for the begging and anger, but don't be surprised - or sad - if he reacts differently. You're not doing this for him, you're not doing this out of anger or manipulation (right?) you're doing it for YOU & YOUR KIDS. You know that all the promises are worth precisely jack.
You'll know if/when it's time. Until then, work on your plan!
When you feel you're ready, have a plan. Have the kids elsewhere, somewhere safe. Know where you're going (hotel, mom's, new rental apartment, etc.)
Write down what you will say, all from a standpoint of your own happiness and your wish for your kids to live in a home without alcoholism.
Rehearse what you'll say. Rehearse several options for what you'll do if things get heavy. Consider meeting him somewhere other than your home to do this. Neutral ground can sometimes provide a buffer. Plan for retrieving your things when you can have someone there with you to be sure nothing bad happens.
Sometimes, tired, you just have to put the wheels in motion so you can't back out. Follow the lawyer's advice too. If you're sure you want out, line up a rental. Do what's right for you.
Prepare yourself for the begging and anger, but don't be surprised - or sad - if he reacts differently. You're not doing this for him, you're not doing this out of anger or manipulation (right?) you're doing it for YOU & YOUR KIDS. You know that all the promises are worth precisely jack.
You'll know if/when it's time. Until then, work on your plan!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: ny
Posts: 41
This is such good advice. I feel like I just want someone to come in and do if for me. haha.. I know this is coming and I have been sick about it, physically sick. I just know its the right decision and I can't get emotional about it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Tired,
Angry is an emotion. You can keep some anger over how you've been treated, and it may give you energy to move forward.
Excitement is an emotion. You can get excited over the wide-open road that's ahead of you once you shake the bad dog of alcoholism off your ankle.
Passion is great....you can imagine the things you will do with your life from here on out, and with your kids too.
But Pity? Guilt? Naaaaaahhh. I'd let those emotions slide as much as you can. Not yours to carry.
Angry is an emotion. You can keep some anger over how you've been treated, and it may give you energy to move forward.
Excitement is an emotion. You can get excited over the wide-open road that's ahead of you once you shake the bad dog of alcoholism off your ankle.
Passion is great....you can imagine the things you will do with your life from here on out, and with your kids too.
But Pity? Guilt? Naaaaaahhh. I'd let those emotions slide as much as you can. Not yours to carry.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi tiredlady, here are a couple of our sticky posts that have some very helpful information about leaving in a safe and wise manner.
This post is from the sticky thread "Classic Reading"
Leaving
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html
There are also a few more links that may pertain to your situation in the "About Abuse" sticky thread. I hope this helps you out.
This post is from the sticky thread "Classic Reading"
Leaving
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2-leaving.html
There are also a few more links that may pertain to your situation in the "About Abuse" sticky thread. I hope this helps you out.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Spokane Valley, WA
Posts: 22
I agree with TC, have things set up that there is time for you to say what needs to be said and then leave. Don't let him keep you tied down with the emotional bs that he will give you. Have the kids at your moms, they don't need to be in the middle of this. Be strong and he may see that you are serious about this and that you are going through with it. Do what is best for you and your kids, that is what counts!
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks for sharing!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: ny
Posts: 41
I am so thankful for this forum, I feel like I can't say that enough.
He just called me (works nights) and I told him that i was going to be about an hour ago, but he called and asked "is everything ok?, I just have a weird feeling in my chest" and my stomach dropped. Its so hard to keep being nice to his face knowing what I'm planning. I feel terrible. What a hard situation.
I talked to his father tonight and they know he's drinking again. His father said.."I've been spending time with him and he seems to be O.K." Almost suggesting that I am wrong for having a problem with it. It has been his mission to seem like he's O.K. becuase then I must be the one with the problem.
I'm so depressed tonight. Just so scared to do this.
He just called me (works nights) and I told him that i was going to be about an hour ago, but he called and asked "is everything ok?, I just have a weird feeling in my chest" and my stomach dropped. Its so hard to keep being nice to his face knowing what I'm planning. I feel terrible. What a hard situation.
I talked to his father tonight and they know he's drinking again. His father said.."I've been spending time with him and he seems to be O.K." Almost suggesting that I am wrong for having a problem with it. It has been his mission to seem like he's O.K. becuase then I must be the one with the problem.
I'm so depressed tonight. Just so scared to do this.
JTinStLouis
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: St Louis, MO
Posts: 115
tired,
Yes these things are hard in many ways to make that first step. I can tell you this I was the man you are now thinking and planing to ask to leave the house. My fiance' ask me to leave our house are she would. She told me she still loved me, but could not live with me drinking and using the way I was. This I am sure was hard for her as we have discussed since. we have been together for nearly 4 years now and about 3 at time she asked me to leave. I took it OK it was hurtful yes, but she was able to tell me in a way that it made sense to me. I chose to leave and it took me about 3 months to understand I really did have the problem and I did seek help as I loved and missed my family. I agree with others a good plan is to write your thoughts out and either read the letter verbatim or at least stick to the letter as best you can and just get through it. I was sober as I always was in the mornings and that is the time we had the discussion.
We all know it is hard and we all also know this is the only way, please be smart and be strong.
JT
Yes these things are hard in many ways to make that first step. I can tell you this I was the man you are now thinking and planing to ask to leave the house. My fiance' ask me to leave our house are she would. She told me she still loved me, but could not live with me drinking and using the way I was. This I am sure was hard for her as we have discussed since. we have been together for nearly 4 years now and about 3 at time she asked me to leave. I took it OK it was hurtful yes, but she was able to tell me in a way that it made sense to me. I chose to leave and it took me about 3 months to understand I really did have the problem and I did seek help as I loved and missed my family. I agree with others a good plan is to write your thoughts out and either read the letter verbatim or at least stick to the letter as best you can and just get through it. I was sober as I always was in the mornings and that is the time we had the discussion.
We all know it is hard and we all also know this is the only way, please be smart and be strong.
JT
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
I really just got to a place where there was no going back.
I knew what life looked like when my husband was drinking. He showed me over and over again. And, despite many attempts to adjust my thinking, my needs, my plans, my hopes, I just couldn't find happiness or peace in an alcoholic environment.
I didn't want to leave. I knew that I couldn't stay.
The knowledge propelled me forward.
Had I gone back, to ease his feelings or appease extended family members, I would have encountered the same, familiar frustrations. They were making me insane.
I know that it is SO hard, tiredlady. I know.
Prayers and thoughts with you tonight.
-TC
I knew what life looked like when my husband was drinking. He showed me over and over again. And, despite many attempts to adjust my thinking, my needs, my plans, my hopes, I just couldn't find happiness or peace in an alcoholic environment.
I didn't want to leave. I knew that I couldn't stay.
The knowledge propelled me forward.
Had I gone back, to ease his feelings or appease extended family members, I would have encountered the same, familiar frustrations. They were making me insane.
I know that it is SO hard, tiredlady. I know.
Prayers and thoughts with you tonight.
-TC
Turning it all around
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 330
tiredlady2006,
If you're worried about any adverse reaction by him then there is good reason to avoid it. Listen to your gut! Have the police or friends and family help you to gather what you need and go. If he causes a scene, get a restraining order while the divorce process continues. The important thing to remember here is that you've done all that you can do...change direction and move as fast as you can. Start your life again. You'll find that you have lost more energy than you think. It will take some time (maybe months) but you'll be fine. Prayers
If you're worried about any adverse reaction by him then there is good reason to avoid it. Listen to your gut! Have the police or friends and family help you to gather what you need and go. If he causes a scene, get a restraining order while the divorce process continues. The important thing to remember here is that you've done all that you can do...change direction and move as fast as you can. Start your life again. You'll find that you have lost more energy than you think. It will take some time (maybe months) but you'll be fine. Prayers
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Someplace USA
Posts: 415
I see a therapist and lawyer both felt that I needed to move out when he was gone. They felt (in my gut I felt it too, I just never trust me) that to trust enraged an alcoholic (mine is always very angry when confronted) could cause more harm then good. That a letter is fine.
I think only we know if we want to deal with a scene or not. For myself I've been trying to tell him what I want for years. He can't do it or wont do it. And I don't want to live unhappy (well it's more like in turmoil, not "just" unhappy) with an alcoholic anymore. So what's left to do.
I think only we know if we want to deal with a scene or not. For myself I've been trying to tell him what I want for years. He can't do it or wont do it. And I don't want to live unhappy (well it's more like in turmoil, not "just" unhappy) with an alcoholic anymore. So what's left to do.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: ny
Posts: 41
Thanks for checking on me Blessed4x, I really appreciate it. Last night I went to my church, just to sit there and clear my head. It seems hard to keep everything straight when I'm just so depressed over losing my father, and now I am planning my "escape" 
I did feel better sitting there because I thought, "you know, my father wouldn't want me living with someone like this" ...he really wouldn't. I sort of worry now, that he can see what I was trying to hide from him while he was alive. I didn't want him to really know how things were in my house.
So, I started making my list of nasty things that have happened. The list that I always started and threw out in fear of it being found. I transfered my list onto my computer that is always locked so I can keep a running tally for myself to look back at. I hope to stick to my plan, and in one more week or so I will move out.
He will be devistated, but really why do I let that stop me? I need to pay attention to how I feel. I picture myself out of this situation, and yelling 'I'm FREEEEEEEE" hahaha
I did feel better sitting there because I thought, "you know, my father wouldn't want me living with someone like this" ...he really wouldn't. I sort of worry now, that he can see what I was trying to hide from him while he was alive. I didn't want him to really know how things were in my house. So, I started making my list of nasty things that have happened. The list that I always started and threw out in fear of it being found. I transfered my list onto my computer that is always locked so I can keep a running tally for myself to look back at. I hope to stick to my plan, and in one more week or so I will move out.
He will be devistated, but really why do I let that stop me? I need to pay attention to how I feel. I picture myself out of this situation, and yelling 'I'm FREEEEEEEE" hahaha
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