he threw me around

Old 12-18-2008, 09:30 AM
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Angry he threw me around

My ex came over on sat night cause he decided he hated one of his friends and that is where he was staying. Lets call my ex Pete, place he was staying Jim, and there buddy name steve. Well Jim was coming to steve about Pete. Steve told Pete that Jim was complaining so my ex Pete left Jim's and came to my place. I told him if he yelled or called me down then he had to get out. He said ok. To make a long story short we fought on and off since sat night and i tried to kick him out numerous times but then he got worse so i let him stay. helped him book his flight to see his parents, drove him all around to do everythng before he left and then Mon night he ended up twisting my arm and finally calming down and we went to sleep....he promised me sex in the morning and when we woke up he said how can i get hard and have sex with you cause i don't even love you. I got very upset and then he lost it and almost hit me etc....threw me on the floor etc..
then he left...i drove ahead of him to show him where the airport was. and he left. He was flying out to see his parents...on the 16th. He arrived in his home town on the 16th but still has not seen his parents...spending his time with his friends.
After all he has no done to me i should be the one hating him and never wanting him in my life but instead i am still calling him to see if he is ok and how his parents are and wondering if he is mad at me. He is the one telling me to **** off.
I am reading the book codependent no more i hope this book helps.
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Old 12-18-2008, 10:22 AM
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Have you read the sticky called "What addicts do"? Are you going to 12 step meetings?
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Old 12-18-2008, 10:33 AM
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You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can Cure it!

Remember those 3 C's! They are important!

Take care of you - keep reading your book, read the stickies at the top of this forum, read around thru the other posts. Stand up, hold your arm straight ahead of you and turn in a circle. Right there, what's inside that circle - that is all you have control over, everything outside that circle is beyond your power!

(((hugs)))
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Old 12-18-2008, 11:06 AM
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Physical abuse is never ever okay. Never.
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Old 12-18-2008, 11:26 AM
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Before I say this - I want you to know that years ago i was in the exact same type of relationship. What i've learned since that time is that when a man you love physically abuses you - it appears that the injuries are on the outside but the real injuries are to your self-esteem and that you may never recover from. You begin to think you did something to deserve it, you rationalize it, you start to loose confidence in yourself and you in turn rely on him to tell you that you are worth loving - this is his real control - he has you convinced that if you were only good enough he could love you and not have to beat you.

It sounds that you have lost a lot of self-respect. If you had self-respect would you want to be intimate with a man that just hours ago had physically assaulted you? 12 step would be great but also you may want to consider some one on one counseling - it made all the difference in the world for me.

What I know now is that my body is mine - it is the only thing I truly own and control in this world - only a man that has respect for me and my body will be allowed to touch me - that includes something as simple as holding my hand. If a man touches me in anger then he will loose all rights to ever touch me in any other way - it is not negotiable - it is not an offense that he can merely apologize for. Once I regained respect for myself and my body then I never allowed it again. I can also tell you that abuse is not something a man just stops doing - it doesnt stop, it intensifies. If you stay around it - especially if he has an addiction, then you can count on the abuse coming harder and quicker in the future. I didnt learn even after being hospitalized - it finally took him strangling me in front of my 3 yo son for me to get the point.

That's why when my son become physically agressive with me - he went to jail. He doesnt touch Mama anymore.
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Old 12-18-2008, 04:03 PM
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What's next? He puts you in the hospital with a fractured jaw or worse?

It sounds like this is a relationship of hopeful fantasy......that putting up with this crap willl prove to him that you are worthy of his love or some other such nonsence. He is nothing but pond scum of the highest order. Don't you deserve better than this?

You are behaving like a stalker and a doormat. You know what people do to doormats, don't you?

Take responsiibility for the way people treat you. Just for today, you will not call or text him or his family or his friends. Just for today, block his number and inbound text messages. Then repeat tomorrow and the day after and the day after.......Your emotional well being and life depend on your willingness and ability to eliminate people like this from your life.
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Old 12-18-2008, 04:22 PM
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Sweetie, it's not your fault but you are fairly typical of "the abused woman". Click on this link and it will take you to a thread at the top of this forum called "For The Abused Woman" and please pay particular attention to the cycle of abuse that they refer to.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...sed-woman.html

You don't have to live like this, and staying won't make him change. Abuse gets worse over time and many abused women end up seriously injured or dead.

Even if you don't call...yet...please have the phone number of a women's crisis centre memorized (you may not get a chance to look it up) and be prepared to use it. Better yet, call now and ask them for information that might be helpful to you.

Again, please read that thread at the top and give some serious thought to keeping a safe distance from this man.

Hugs
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Old 12-18-2008, 06:48 PM
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exgirlfriend

I must say that my heart breaks when I read posts like yours. It makes me wild to hear butes like the guy you describe hurting women. And I am sad to think about how wounded women who allow abuse are.

There are women who put up with abuse and women who don't. Sometimes a woman who has put up with abuse decides she's worth more than that and works on her own independence and self esteem so that she can let go immediately of anyone who treats her that way. Sometimes women keep going back until they are permanently damaged or dead.

Have you noticed that some women won't give a guy like this the time of day from the first second they meet him? My hope would be that instead of calling him and running after him, you could allow yourself to sit still and feel your feelings. Calling him is one way of distracting yourself from feeling pain - and yet that pain can tell you something about yourself that if you healed directly could free you.

Most women who I know that have been victims of abuse have been hurt in some way by thier father or other significant male influence at a young age, which leaves them vulnerable to this type of guy. Women who have not been hurt in this way often can spot a guy like this a mile off and run the other direction. So, Please - find a support group of some type. You need to heal your inner wounds in order to believe in yourself enough to realize that the guy you have allowed in your life is completely incapable of love. People who are capable of acting like he did want to control others for their own gratification. You are worth real love, not empty promises.

Also, believe me, you don't need to check on him to see if he is OK. Guys like this are masters of manipulation and they are fine until they really hurt someone and get tossed in jail. So, no number of phone calls, conversations, or anything else you can do is going to change him.

Most recently, my niece was with a guy like this. He hurt her once, the second time it was worse and the third time he hit her head so hard she lost her memory for a time. And she still didn't call the police - I did and was able to get him put in jail. He had previous jail time for the same type of violence, went through anger management and many other programs and bottom line, he couldn't control himself when he got angry. (guess what, he's back in jail now for the third time)

Another woman my niece knew was married to a guy like this who got progressively worse and at one point held her at gunpoint in front of her kids. Guys who behave this way get worse, not better.

I hope you have enough self esteem remaining that you can at least reach out and find a therapist, support group, pastor or some kind of support that will validate your worth so that you can see this guy for what he is and realize that you are worth so much better. But only you can decide you are worth it. Real love is out there but you won't be able to see it clearly until you are healed.

I also hope that you can find some way to spend your time that is self affirming and builds you up. Volunteer at a local food shelf, go to a church meeting, learn to knit, but do something that gives you a sense of accompishment.

Prayers that you find your worth so you can let go of anyone that dimishes it so that you can fulfil your purpose ... God Bless you.
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Old 12-18-2008, 06:58 PM
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exgirlfriend,

None of the above is good and you did not cause nor deserve any of it. these are things that addicts and alcoholics do while using. yes this can be dangerous and very hurtful. the addict can be very persuasive and cunning just like the disease. The hard part is the addict typically believes the things he/she is saying and thinking while using there for it can be very sincere, however it is not at all. The key thing here is to take care of yourself and do what you can to separate yourself from this situation. if pete seeks some real help and you will know if he does, then and only then would I recomend further communication. Yes I do know how hard this can be, however you will find this is much better and easier on your once you are able to remove yourself long enough to see this too. Be safe and be strong.

JT
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Old 12-19-2008, 05:27 AM
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exgirlfriend,
How are you today? Hope you've had time to redirect your thoughts, from him, and think about what you would like in your life.


Hugs, sweetie,
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Old 12-19-2008, 05:49 AM
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hey there ((((xgf))))

Say this to yourself over and over: "I do not deserve this"

Say it until you believe it then things will make a lot more sense to you....
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Old 12-19-2008, 06:00 AM
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Unhappy thanks - the book really helps and so do all of you!

Thanks to all of you for posting. I look forward to reading all of your posts. They help me so much and to know other people have gone through the same things and feelings is very comforting. I am continuing to read the book codependent no more. Wow what an amazing book. It already has helped me and I am only on chapter 4.

I am disappointed though I did call him yesterday and he said that we could not be together cause he does not want to be in Jail. He already has thrown me around and does not want to end up there. But he never appologized to me. I told him that I was reading this book and that I was going to straighten out my life and he said call when I do. He never did say anything about straightening his life out. Yes I need help but I am doing everything in my power to get that help...but he needs help to. I guess that is for him to decide not for me to decide.

Anyways thanks to all of you have replied...i look forward to your replies and help in the future..you are also caring and nice.

Merry Xmas
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Old 12-19-2008, 07:55 AM
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Originally Posted by exgirlfriend View Post
I am disappointed though I did call him yesterday and he said that we could not be together cause he does not want to be in Jail. He already has thrown me around and does not want to end up there. But he never appologized to me.
Merry Xmas
Ok, so you called him... that was yesterday and this is today... don't be disapointed in yourself... This program is One Day at A Time... thank goodness we get a second chance to start over...

Sweetie, you wont get an appology out of him... He is so absorbed in his addiction that he has no idea the wreckage and pain he is causing the other people around him... please don't take it personally.

I told him that I was reading this book and that I was going to straighten out my life and he said call when I do. He never did say anything about straightening his life out.
Good for you for reading Codependent No more and working on changing you... you know what, I'm willing to bet that when you "straighten" your life out, you will NOT want to ever call your BF again.. You will see that you deserve so much better then what he can offer you..

Right now he does not see a need to straighten himself out... he is blaming everyone else for his problems.. he does not see himself as the problem only as the victim and as long as he is living life on his terms he will never change.

but he needs help to. I guess that is for him to decide not for me to decide
BINGO... he will get help when he wants it and not a moment sooner... I know you are in a lot of pain but just continue focusing on you and changing you..
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Old 12-19-2008, 11:45 PM
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thank you Jerect

Sorry if i got your name wrong but i want to thank you for your post. You all seem to understand how hard it can be. I had a really good chat with my girlfriend today and she has gone to rehab for the same problem as Pete did and she went to rehab years ago and has been clean. I never new her at that point in my life but it sure helps to speak with her in person and have her tell me what addicts like herself did to get what she wanted and it didn't matter at what the cost. She told me if i really care about Pete to tell him no the next time he calls if he calls. She said by giving in to him I have become his enabler....even by supplying a place to stay that enables him to have more money for his drugs and alcohol and by telling i am here for him at all times he knowes no matter who he hurts or loses I will always be there for him and the enables him to keep going.

Wow I never knew how complicated this all could be. I guess I don't know to much because i am stuck in the middle of this and because i have never used drugs before so i don't know a lot about them.

Just want to say thanks to all of you for reading my posts and for your imput it is all very helpful.
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Old 12-20-2008, 05:02 AM
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I think your friend has some good advice for you... I have a very very close friend that is a RA and she was so helpful in explaining things to me when the true reality of my situation started coming to light.. Sometimes it's easier to see things when someone from the other side starts telling us the cold hard truth about addiction.

Sweetie, I don't think any of us had any idea how complicated addiction could be until we found ourselves stuck in the middle of things... then we did what our human nature told us to do and we tried to fix things and of course we now all know that we can't fix something when we didn't cause the problem in the first place..

You are in a painful place right now but I can tell you as time moves forward and you begin to heal that your pain will turn to joy.

Now that your ex is out of town for awhile, start putting some boundaries in place for yourself so that when he gets back home and comes crawling back to you (and he will) you will be strong enough to say NO.

Also try to find some meetings in your area and start attending as many as you can.. Meetings will give you the tools to start your healing process..

Remember One Day at A Time
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Old 12-20-2008, 07:58 AM
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meetings

Hi Jerect,

I have never seen my ex do the cocaine. He admitted it to me to me six months into the relationship and said he got off it. What I am hearing about him doing the cocaine is hearsay but I believe I have seen him on it cause of the research I have done on it myself.

Even though I am not with him anymore but still find the need to call him, are these meeting really useful to me. Could you please explain a little more to me about these meetings and how they work and how they work for.

Sorry all new to me....because i am not with him am i still entitled to go to these meetings etc...

Thanks all,
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Old 12-20-2008, 10:01 AM
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Alanon meetings are my sanity... Alanon is a group for friends and family's of addicts and alcoholics... we are taught in alanon how to take care of ourselves, how to set boundaries and how to rely on our HP to get us through every moment of every day...

They are completely free, they are completely anonymous, and they meet in just about every city in the world...

Even if you are not still with him, you should still go to these meetings... the only requirement for attending meetings is if your life was affected my an addict or alcoholic... I think you more then qualify my dear.... I will go to these meetings for the rest of my life... with or without my AH in the picture...

YOu will find nothing but warmth and support there... no one will judge you...

Please PM me if you have any other questions, I will be glad to help you in anyway that I can..
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Old 12-20-2008, 08:44 PM
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I would also strongly support you finding a local Alanon or Naranon meeting that works for you. Please don't feel frustrated if the first few meetings doesn't "fix" everything. They say to try 6 meetings before you make a decision. For me, I went to my first meeting expecting everyone there to tell me how I should solve my problem. After all, they had all been there and survived, so obviously they had some answers, right? Needless to say I left feeling frustrated and angry. Soon after, my abf seemed to get his s**t together so I thought "it's all fixed. I don't need those meetings anymore." Boy was I wrong!!

Every group has their own flavor and some will have more people you feel you can relate to than others. Find one that feels good to you and plug in. The addicts have their own issues and meetings. These meetings are for US. Whether we realize it or not, our reactions to the addicts in our lives are toxic. I can look at my life and see that the "disease" of codependence runs deeper than I realized. So even if, like me, you've never had any issues with drugs and have never BEFORE been effected by an addict in your life, you have now. Congratulations, you are codependent.......just like the rest of us!! And codependence doesn't leave with the addict. If you were to never speak to him again, the patterns you have developed will continue, likely attract another addict, and you will be right back in the spot you are in now, just with a different person. Like addiction, codependence is a life-long affliction.

My abf asked me one time if I had had a good meeting and if it made me love him more or hate him more. My quick response was the truth that I remind myself of often. I told him "My meeting aren't about you. They are about ME!!"

We all need something in our life that is just about us, don't we???
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