ToughChoices

I used to just give. Give and give and give.
It made me feel better about myself, and I could point to the giving as a reason that I should be loved.

As I become more confident in my intrinsic worth, I don't have to prove it all the time. Which means I don't have to work so hard at pleasing others.
That's good.

But now I have to work really hard at knowing my limits and saying "no" when it is appropriate. I still get lots of anxious cries for help.

For example:
My AH decided to invite his entire extended family to "our" (I don't live there anymore) house for Christmas this year. I'm excited about them coming.
But.
The man hasn't really cleaned his house in the entire 4 months that I've been gone. The carpet hasn't been vacuumed. There are clothes everywhere. He doesn't dust or mop or clean the bathrooms. It's gross.
Which is fine for him - he's certainly entitled to live in whatever conditions he prefers, but it's certainly not "people are coming over to stay for three days" clean.
All this to say.....

He asked me to clean his house.

It's easily 12 hours of hard work. If you paid a maid service to come do it, it would probably cost between $400 and $500. But, based on our past, he felt comfortable asking me to do this for him.

It is really eye-opening.
Especially because, in spite of how ridiculously huge this favor is, how much I don't want to spend my holiday break cleaning someone else's disgusting house FOR FREE, I still briefly considered doing it. Because it might "make him happy."
How sick am I?!

I told him to call a cleaning service.
If he doesn't, and doesn't clean it himself, I'm going to have to work really hard at letting go of any embarrassment associated with the cleanliness of HIS house in front of HIS family.

Not my job. Not my problem.
I'm going to be chanting a lot today.

Has anyone else out there been asked to do something way beyond the realm of a "normal favor"? I'd like to hear some stories, if you've got 'em!

Thanks!
-TC

GiveLove

Mine wanted me to be his airport shuttle for a long time.

I suggested he park at one of the free lots and take the inexpensive bus out to the airport.

He said he was afraid his car would get stolen. Mind you, this was a beat-up 15-year-old japanese deathtrap the size of a refrigerator with at least a year's worth of fast-food wrappers in the back seat.

Yeah, I'll get right on that.

The subtle game is called "Do you still love me? If you did, you would do the things you always would before."

Game over, man

Good job detaching, TC. Not your house, not your bathroom, not your problem. LET HIM HAVE HIS CONSEQUENCES. If his family is like mine, there might be some really terrific one-liners come out of it......jokes about dust rhinos, "clean me" in soap on the bathroom mirror, etc.

P.S. you and I should record a "Not My Problem" chant (chimes, drums, buddhist monks OM-ing in the background). I'd use it all the time.

MissFixit

If you wanted extra money for Christmas, why not charge him $500 bucks and do it? Then you kill two birds with one stone. I don't know if that is him sufferring consereunces or not. Just a thought. You would profit!

GiveLove

Hmmmmmm. You know, MissFixit's idea is interesting --- do you know anyone who has a house cleaning business, maybe someone just starting out? Or a teenager looking to make a quick $500.00 for the holidays? You could turn this into a plus.

ToughChoices

I thought about that.

I'm not sure what this says about me, but taking money from him at this stage in our relationship - makes me feel like I am prostituting myself. Like he is paying me to be in his life, whether it's for household or sexual favors.

Sometimes I think that is how he sees me. Maybe it's just how I see myself. Either way, when I picture scrubbing his disgusting bathroom on my hands and knees while he leaves 5, crisp $100 bills on the counter, I want to throw up.

Not going to do it.

Thanks for the suggestion, though, MissFixIt. I think it's a very reasonable compromise for someone who doesn't have such a strong emotional response to the situation!

-TC

MissFixit

TC,

I understand where you are coming from completely. If you feel it jeopordizes your dignity, then by all means DON'T.

Pajarito

I used to spend hours ironing STBXA's shirts and pants for work- this was when I did freelance at home so I could stay with dd. When she went to school, and I got a job out of the house, I decided I was done ironing. He decided I wasn't. I cannot tell you how much we argued about it! I felt he should do it himself or take them to a dry cleaner. The man would not pick up an iron- said he couldn't do it- and was too cheap to drop his laundry off. I know he resented me for deciding to be done, and probably does to this day. My mom stayed home and ironed everything for my dad- so I am sure somewhere in my brain I had had the idea that it was what I "should" do. (Don't "should" on yourself.) When I had the time, I didn't mind that much, but it got to be way too much to deal with once I took on an outside job. But oh how much time I spent defending myself. I think the man wants a mommy. . .

ToughChoices

I hate to iron. It's hot and steamy and heavy.
I purposely buy clothes that don't require ironing, and I definitely don't iron for anyone else.

I guess I'm just trying to imagine asking my husband to iron my clothes. Or clean my bathroom. And arguing about how he "owes it to me" or something.

So weird.

But, for a long time, I volunteered for all that extra work. I felt like it was required of me, and I taught him to expect it.

This has something to do with my family of origin, too. Watching my mother "take care" of my father for so long - perhaps there is a part of me that wants to be AH's mother. There's also a part of me that wants to kick his baby butt

Tally

Wowsers, he's got some nerve, I would have had to control myself not to laugh in his face!

I've been thinking back to when my bf was drinking 24/7, trying to think of any outrageous demands...looking back I didn't think them to be outrageous, it's only when you start to get better that you realise just how sick you were!

He'd have to go to the local shop every day, it's maybe a 10 minute walk. This though was too much effort for him, he told me that it wasn't fair he should have to go out every day and that I should share the responsibility with him....poor lamb I thought, he's right, it's not fair...so I started going to the shop for him 3 times a week. Pass through summer and it's now winter, bitterly cold, raining and I'm getting my 6 year old daughter togged out in her winter warmers to take her to the shop with me in the piddling down rain to buy his alcohol when I go to my purse and it's empty...there is no money for his alcohol, and I panic....how is he going to drink now, what will he do with no alcohol...oh no! So I toddle off in the pouring down rain with my 6 yr old beside me, start the 20 minute walk to my mothers house so I can borrow a few pounds.
I lie and tell her I've ran out of milk and bread and can I borrow a few pounds until the following day and off I go on the 20 minute walk to the shops and buy his alcohol, then a further 10 minutes back home.
I get home and I'm drenched. Daughter is still snuggly and warm and not a drop on her but exhausted. He thanks me profusely for borrowing the money and going to the shop.."What would I do without you" he says.
It makes me feel happy that he's happy.

I did the above many, many times until I started getting sick of it, until his thank you's didn't make me feel happy anymore and until I realised just what a fool I was being. I remember storming off to the shops one night in the pouring down rain, pitch black night because we'd had a row because I didn't want to go to the shops, I remember he called me lazy and told me how unfair I was and that he'd been the previous 2 days and it was my turn. So I stormed off to the shops, the whole while thinking how unfair he was being but at least now he wouldn't go on all night and I'd get a bit of peace, I remember walking home with the bottle in a carrier bag and crying and being grateful it was raining so no one would know I was crying.

I found SR shortly afterwards, I needed this place like I needed the air I breathe. X

Barbara52

My xAh kept asking me to pay his bills (utilities, cell phone, etc.) after I moved out. He figured that since he wasn't working, I would just continue to payfor everything even tho by then he knew I wanted a divorce. I didn't pay up of course. And he eventually found someone else to pay while he continued to sit on his butt and drink.

ToughChoices

This story really touched me. Thanks, Missus!

Thank HP that the "lazy, unfair" argument has been revealed as the huge pile of B.S. that it really is.
So freeing!
-TC

denny57

One of the happiest days of my life was when I heard the saying "No is a complete sentence."

I can't begin to list the favors he asked - and I performed. My favorite, though, has nothing to do with him. It was when I got a letter from his girlfriend (while we were still married) asking if I'd move out of my home since he paid for the house LOL!!!!

I don't think anyone is going to think anything negative about you because he didn't clean the place where he is living.

Freedom1990

It does get easier to say 'no' as time goes on, and let go of all the crappy feelings that go along with saying it, I promise!!!!!! :ghug :ghug :ghug

Bernadette

Oh my God you guys, I am mortified reading this -- at least you have stories where you were asked to do something!!!! I used to just move mountains and sh*t for my ex WITHOUT ever being asked and without ever getting a thank you. But boy was I always waiting for that Thank You and resentful when I didn't get it!!!!!!!!
Madness. Absolute madness!!

It was a good muscle to exercise and see grow the "No" muscle and the "Keep your mouth shut B. DO NOT volunteer, Do not SAY anything!" muscle.

Peace--
B.

Pajarito

AMEN!!!

TC- I have a list miles long of all the stuff I used to do- willingly at first. For some reason I took it upon myself to do 90% of the housework- inside and out- while working a part time job (30 hours a week), freelance and going to grad school- on top of being a mom. He worked 40 hours, though, so he worked more than me. (!) I hit the roof when I heard that one come out of his mouth. Over time, I got tired of it. Our dynamic was mom/sullen teenage boy. Not what I want. I am so grateful I don't have to step over his krap all over the place now.

Denny is right- no one will judge YOU for the mess HIS place is in. And I will add to that- healthy for me is when I finally don't care what others think of me. A lot of my time and energy spent trying to keep the house up was also my issue with wanting to appear to have that "perfect" house. I am trying to be more real now. My house isn't perfect- and it never will be. . . but it's peaceful and creative, cozy and picked up enough to relax in.

GiveLove

Just one thing,

What is this "ironing" of which you speak?

ToughChoices

Um, I think Alanis said it best:

It's like rain on your wedding day.
It's a free ride when you've already paid.
It's a black fly in your chardonnay.
It's a death row pardon, two minutes too late.



Sorry, M. I'm feeling silly today!

-TC

Pajarito

Really GL- who needs it! Life is too short.

steve11694

IMO; it is not wrong to feel happy from doing someone a nice favor, especially someone you had/have feelings for. The enormity of that cleaning task does present a problem though. Why not make a list of things he must do and share the work, 85% him, 15% you?

I recall when my aw had problems that I could help her with. It made me feel good, and yes, probably enabled also. Giving her a lift, inviting her to eat. God I felt so sorry for her after I stopped enabling and she had her own apartment. Once I saw her walking and she looked terrible. I made a u turn and took her to eat a very nice meal, without alcohol.

My heart goes out to all of you and each of you that has lived through this "hell on earth"

nowinsituation

B52 & all -- I have been paying all of my STBXAH's bills for the entire time since I moved out; originally out of pity, then after I filed I did it at his lawyer's request. He doesn't work but does receive disability benefits and I still had access to that money -- so OK, no big deal.

We ironed out (pun intended) a financial settlement a couple of months ago - split effective Jan. 1. OK, I can still do it for a couple of more months; clarified that his payments would still go to the joint bank account so I would have access to them for paying "his" bills. I was assured that would be the case.

Then, I received an overdraft notice from the bank. Guess who changed the direct deposit on one of his disability payments. So I'm trying to get that "ironed out" (I am on a roll!).

The funniest final last straw came from his lawyer last week. She wants to write into the financial settlement that "I" will "help" him take care of getting his social security disability payments switched to the bank account of his choice. I told her (through my lawyer) that I would do that when hell freezes over!! After all, he figured out how to do the other one he obviously doesn't need my help!

PS -- I left him the iron and the ironing board! I never used it so why not?