StrongBird

Very shortly after I made my first ever post on this forum, I drank again. The very same day, in fact. I had an overwhelming desire both to drink and to pay attention to why I wanted to do it... to find out if, in fact, I really wanted to do it anymore.

Like always, it took 3-4 beers for me to feel anything. I remember being halfway through my fourth beer and just starting to feel it and recalling one "test" I've read about. A normal drinker can have 1, 2, or 3 drinks a day everyday for 6 months and keep it under control. And an alcoholic cannot. I was acutely aware that I *needed* that fourth drink (and actually the rest of the case).

By the 6th or 8th beer, I was happy, euphoric, etc. You know what I'm talking about. I felt like I was perfect and that everyone should just listen to me. Now keep in mind that I was all alone... it didn't matter. I was delusional and so incredibly self-centered. And of course I kept drinking until I passed out.

I woke up later... I had a headache but nothing out of the ordinary. There was nothing unusual about that particular binge. But for some reason my hip was sore, so I ended up getting out of bed and coming downstairs to try to get comfortable on the couch. I watched a little TV, took some Advil, and the headed back to bed. And at the top of my stairs, it was suddenly very, very clear to me: I've been drinking because it was the only thing that made me feel "perfect." When I was drunk, I wasn't aware of my flaws and character defects. But the truth is, I'm imperfect. That's how God made me. I just got this image of all my defects as physical holes in my body that I was trying to fill up with alcohol so that no one -- not even me -- would have to see how defective I am. But at that moment I realized that if I just handed it all over to God, I could just let God's light shine through the holes of imperfection and I wouldn't have to care about being imperfect anymore.

In that moment, I really "got" the first three Steps. 1 - I saw how powerless I was. 2- Although I've never been really religious and for the past 4 years or so, I've been borderline atheist/pissed off at God, I realized that God was the absolute *only* thing that could work. 3 - And I realized that I just needed to hand over the reigns.

I'm really in awe still. It was such a clarifying moment... it just keeps sticking with me. I'm still incredibly overwhelmed by it all but it also feels really "real," too.

Horselover

Well welcome back and congratulations on your clarity. It will definitely be a plus as you take your new steps. I would offer just a whisper of a suggestion here though and maybe you have already thought of this. Make a plan for the times when the alcoholic voice is screaming in your ear. Change your routines, throw away the alcohol in the house, get on SR and post if you need to, make a journal, exercise. Any of these things or a combo thereof. Just a mere suggestion.

Again, congratulations and welcome. Glad you posted.

Anna

I'm glad you had a moment of clarity Strongbird. Learn what you can from your experience and use the knowledge to move forward in your recovery. I had spent many years as a control-freak as I tried to maintain the charade that I was someone I was not. Beginning to accept yourself for who you are and really see who you are, is a big step in recovery.

IO Storm

Welcome to SR Strongbird!

Love your screen name.

Great suggestions from Horselover...and I would add...refer back to your post today.

When and if that "negative voice" starts yakking!

This is today's "journal" in away, for you...about your "moment of clarity."

You appear to be a person of faith. And Someone is sending you a message

of light and love.

Blessings

StrongBird

Thanks for the support, everyone!

I appreciate the advice. It's something I'm struggling with though -- what do I *do* when I'm not drinking? It's easy enough at work or in the evenings I have my daughter. But those evenings when I'm alone (and especially the full days when I'm alone) are hard. I feel like such a loser but I don't really know how to be "normal" when I'm sober. I mean, obviously I can fold laundry or clean toilets, but I don't know what the sober version of me does for fun. She always spent every free minute drinking. And I feel like there must be more to life than just laundry and clean bathrooms. I just feel kinda lost/uncomfortable without getting drunk to fall back on. What do normal people do besides work, clean, sleep?

I have gotten rid of all the booze in the house though, for sure. It's a lot easier to avoid if it's not here.

James13

The illusion of perfection. Baffling, isn't it?

I just recently came to reason. It's amazing the perfection I seeked in myself, and therefore everyone around me. I still have to keep myself in check alot. Usually, when I am not good enough for me, nobody else is.

I'm tired of being that selfish.

Much love.

Horselover

Hey Strongbird - Here's some things I do now -

1. Read
2. Watch a movie
3. Go to a movie
4. Take a walk
5. Go to the library/bookstore
6. Get on my treadmill
7. Clean
8. Do laundry
9. Cook something that requires effort
10. Get on SR
11. Write in my journal
12. Hug my son, husband, dogs and/or cat (not fish)
13. Call a friend or family member
14. Sit quietly
15. Listen to music while drawing
16. Knit
17. Go through garage discovering things I forgot we had
18. Good weather - garden
19. Cross country ski
20. Sledding with son
21. Horseback riding
22. Sitting on deck and listen to the birds and the sounds outside
23. Make a playdate for son
24. Go to the zoo, aquarium or botanical gardens
25. Drive around and look at Christmas lights
26. Shovel snow
27. Play in the snow
28. Ride bikes
29. Bake cookies
30. Make something for someone
31. Volunteer at a nearby ranch
32. Write business plan for starting cleaning business
33. Window shop

Okay I am done for now. I have a lot more freedom now to do something other then what I was dominated by before. If I don't drink every evening I can go anywhere and do almost anything. I think I told you I was a daily drinker and stayed home because of it. Thanks for making me think about this. You helped me. I hope it helps you.

dionysianstupor

I drank so that I could write. What I realized was that it isn't because I love drinking, it is because I love writing, it is because there is something that I want/need to express...I was frustrated that I couldn't express myself "properly," and thought that drinking was the only way to get there...which it did, for a while, but then I realized that there was so much I wanted to write that the wine couldn't actually sustain me...because by the time I got to my third or fourth drink, the sort of buzz I needed to write leveled out, or got too muddled. And then in the process of sobering up, my anxiety would be worse. I was a control freak about my creativity...I had a romantic notion of being a "tortured artist," but if one is willing to die for one's art, what does this mean? People like Kerouac died in their forties from complications due to alcoholism.

I see that there are other methods I can use to unleash my creativity...I just have to have patience with myself. A book can't be written overnight.

yeahgr8

Hi Great news on the moment of clarity:-)

What have you got planned to ensure that you act on this moment, change your life and stay sober?

CarolD

In AA we often discuss a psychic change
as described in ......the Doctors Opinion ...
Source: book Alcoholics Anonymous

Check out "Bill's Story" ...same book
near the end there is a first hand experience.


To me...a psychic change means I shifted perceptions.
I've done that several times.

Glad your moving forward....Yes! you too can recover.

Jersey Nonny

Because I was no longer drinking, I had time to do all (or most) of the things suggested by Horselover. But, I also chose to make AA a big part of my life, since my kids were grown and I no longer had a husband to occupy my time. I had always known how to stop drinking...I had done it many times over 32 years...I never knew how to stay stopped until AA. Once I learned how to stay sober, I found it enhanced my sobriety to pass on the AA message to others. One of the basic principles of AA is that "we keep it by giving it away."

Horselover

One of the basic principles of AA is that "we keep it by giving it away."

I like that Jersey and I think the same came be said of SR. We definitely are helped by helping others here.