things are going o.k. here
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
things are going o.k. here
I just wanted to post an update as to how things are going. The great news is that I got a job! I'm delighted about that. My ABF has been working on his recovery tools. He is still talking to his counselor. He has finished his "plan" for recovery and is using a checklist to keep himself on track. He had a very emotional morning yesterday--he was crying quite a bit. He admitted that those emotional mornings are one of the things that led him to a relapse. His counselor wants him to share with me and others, and not keep this stuff bottled up inside. He is missing his parents (his mother died 2 years ago) and his friends (we moved here about 8 months ago). He has been reading his materials including NA materials that he printed out.
I have been working on telling him what I need and making decisions based on what I need--not on what I think he needs. I don't know if he will do what he needs to do or not. I'm glad he's started back into recovery, but I am going to do what I need to do. That means that I am going to take this new job and not worry about how my working will effect him. I'm not going to rush home to check on him or to "protect" him from relapsing. I'm going to work on making friends and spending time with people--even if he doesn't want to join in. This is all a real struggle for me because my naturally tendency is to feel responsible for his actions and to think that he can't do it without me. My mom always made sure that I knew that her happiness depended on me. She has gone so far as to tell me that directly. It wasn't just implied.
I'm trying to read, journal, and work on taking care of myself. I'm making the phone calls that I need to make and paying bills on time. This is a struggle for me, but I know how important this is. This is my life, and I don't want to live the 2nd half of it how I have lived the first half. I'm glad I have this site to help me keep on track.
I have been working on telling him what I need and making decisions based on what I need--not on what I think he needs. I don't know if he will do what he needs to do or not. I'm glad he's started back into recovery, but I am going to do what I need to do. That means that I am going to take this new job and not worry about how my working will effect him. I'm not going to rush home to check on him or to "protect" him from relapsing. I'm going to work on making friends and spending time with people--even if he doesn't want to join in. This is all a real struggle for me because my naturally tendency is to feel responsible for his actions and to think that he can't do it without me. My mom always made sure that I knew that her happiness depended on me. She has gone so far as to tell me that directly. It wasn't just implied.
I'm trying to read, journal, and work on taking care of myself. I'm making the phone calls that I need to make and paying bills on time. This is a struggle for me, but I know how important this is. This is my life, and I don't want to live the 2nd half of it how I have lived the first half. I'm glad I have this site to help me keep on track.
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
Give yourself a hug. You are on the right track. Taking those steps was very hard for me, even with my ASs in recovery. My Alanon friends encouraged me and shared their attempts with me. I had to learn to do things differently. "If I do what I've always done, I'll get what I've always gotten" - upset, crazy behavior on my part, feeling hopeless, becoming a professional victim and giant enabler.
I've learned that I can have a good life, make that a great life, whether or not the addicts in my life ever find recovery.
There are lots of folks that have done what you are doing - and you'll get great support from this Board.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
I've learned that I can have a good life, make that a great life, whether or not the addicts in my life ever find recovery.
There are lots of folks that have done what you are doing - and you'll get great support from this Board.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Reality......
Posts: 735
Congrats on the new job. That in itself is an ACCOMPLISHMENT to be PROUD of.
Best wishes with you and your boyfriend. I think its great that his counselor is urging him to share with others. That is a good sign. But your right get out of his business and take care of you.....
Best wishes with you and your boyfriend. I think its great that his counselor is urging him to share with others. That is a good sign. But your right get out of his business and take care of you.....
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
I started to panic later today because he is getting a P.O. Box. He says he needs it for his business. He had one where we used to live, too. Then, I worried because he was asking me about my work schedule. Then, I worry that he's plotting to get drugs. I just have to remind myself of the three c's and go about living my life. I have a tendency to worry about when the next shoe will drop! I'm trying to live for today. Today, he is working on his recovery tools. Today, I am proud at myself for getting a job--esp. in the middle of a recession. What else can I do than live one day at a time, one minute at a time? Constantly worrying about the future just makes me more stressed out--it certainly doesn't change anything. Fortunately, I have plenty to do to prepare for this new job. Tonight, I'm going to concentrate on what I need to do, which is wrap presents so that I can get them in the mail!!!
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