bearfeet

I was just wondering if anybody had any good ideas on how to make Christmas nice for me and baby despite all of the recent events.....

It's been 3 months now and he's not likely to turn up to see her at Christmas (or her 1st birthday on Jan 4th) and in all honesty I don't know if I'd want him to because he without doubt would be drunk.

My Sisters family are at their in-laws which although I have been invited would be difficult to do (I don't drive and they live some miles away and have lots of guests in a v small house). My Brother again lives miles away and My Dad- bless him- has always been bah humbug about Christmas!

My friends have plans with their own families, My new male friend (does that sound stupid? don't know how else to describe it?) wants to come to mine on Christmas afternoon after dinner, but that's leaving me a bit anxious because I'm feeling a bit rushed by him at the minute anyway and Christmas day has always been a strictly family affair for me, when Mum was alive it was always really busy and so, so special.

So this means that 1- baby girl will have to open her presents alone with only me 2- we'll also eat dinner alone (and watch the Queens speech etc etc) which is making me feel so sad.

I'm really really worried that the culmination of all these things will make me cave in and call Ex, I really, really don't want that to happen.

Any tips or advice for getting through the day and trying to make it nice would be much appreciated.


xxxxxxxxx

peaceteach

Hi Bearfeet,

Change is so weird. We grow up, Christmas is a little different than when we were kids. We get divorced or separated from a boyfriend/girlfriend, we have to adjust to the change.

I had a "routine" for Christmas with my kids and exAH for many years. When I got divorced, my life was just a huge collision of changes--moving, job, kids growing up and moving out--and the holidays, wow. Those were soooo different. At the same time, my brother died, which brought more changes to my extended family. They all had to learn to change/adjust to both my situation and my brother's family's situation.

The best thing I discovered through all this change was to 1) accept that things had changed 2) learn to "roll" with the changes and keep myself open to different ways to spend Christmas, or New Year's, or whatever holiday came up.

In other words, I had the power over ME, to tell myself that I could do whatever I wanted to do or needed to do for ME, on that day or on that holiday. New guy sounds like a nice guy who just wants you to not be alone on your holiday. Maybe making a little plan with him for later on would be okay. It's only for this year anyway. And if it sounds like fun to you, then you get to choose.

Do you belong to a church at all? I know there are many Christmas Day services that you and your baby could attend. You could start your own new tradition this Christmas that just involves the two of you, instead of wishing to be with someone who is choosing substance over family.

Sending you big hugs and encouragement to accept that things have changed and to open your mind and heart to "new" ways each year to celebrate the holidays. Life is one continuous change, and how we roll with it makes a huge difference in how much we enjoy it.

bearfeet

Thank you Peaceteach, I've been doing well (most of the time!) with enjoying the change and the calm it has brought and am focusing on Baby and Me but I just don't want those sad lurking fellings to return and spoil my progress.

Good idea about a church service. I was raised Roman Catholic and My Daughter has been christened one, My Father is very devout but in all honesty I haven't been since her Baptism (my faith has been sketchy the last few years....) Ha, I actually went to Midnight mass alone on Christmas Eve last year... reason why? Because Ex insisted we go to his 'church' of sorts Christmas morning, (with me very poorly with pre-eclampsia, missing my family & nine months pregnant) the local absolute dive of a pub, in retrospect that depressed me far more than anything this year could bring.

I think I would like to go to for some reason, if anything it would make me feel closer to My Mum but would seeing all the happy familes off home to enjoy their day make me feel ulitmately worse?

Thank you again for your very wise words. x

ToughChoices

Holidays tend to be filled with expectations of peace, happiness, family togetherness. When I look at those expectations, and I look at what I've actually got, I can feel disappointed.

Chances are, bearfeet, those happy families you see walking home together after Christmas mass after have their own stories of addiction, abuse, financial pain, and fear.

Maybe they've found a path through it to peace. Maybe they're just good at hiding pain (I sure was!).

Nobody's got this stuff all figured out.
Go easy on yourself.

Enjoy that baby girl!
-TC

brundle

Since your going to have lots of time. What about renting some movies; noise makes the house seem less empty. Then do like an afternoon Christmas Tea (even if it's for yourself) and maybe it can be something relaxing and fun for you. I would guess your one year old gets a nap you could even do some "spa" time. Do a cheap facial or paint your toes (can do that while watching a movie)....

Just some thoughts...

bearfeet

Thanks for all your positive messages, as is the way with these things his sister called just on some pretence then asked if he could have a word, he asked if he could come and see baby on Christmas morning, I said yes that's ok but I know he won't make it anyway. The actual purpose of the call was to try to retrieve some shoes and a black tie whilst leaving all his other rubbish from the house to attend a funeral. The funeral incedently is of an old female friend of his who died last week at the age of 40 from alcohol, leaving behind a 6 year old son. I know it will be a very boozy affair tonight after the mass and tomorrow so I don't expect he'll come to get his tie & stuff.

I suppose I should have siad no to Christmas morning, that we had other plans (in the last 3 months he has failed to make it to twice weekly visitis arranged by me and the chances of him being sober after Christmas Eve on the sauce are very very slim)

But I know it won't happen anyway so just said yes, whatever. I'm kicking myself for not being stronger and sticking up for myself. One blinking phone call sets me back about 2 weeks!

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ago

Another word for Christmas this year is "Thursday"

Then if you go to a Church Service, do a "Spa" and watch movies, it will a "Good Thursday" not a "Bad Christmas"

I did Thanksgiving this year like that and I couldn't believe how nice and freeing it felt and I was actually filled with thanks....thanks I didn't have to be around all those crazy people that call themselves "my family" along with all of their drama and drunkenness.

Was actually one of the if not the nicest Thanksgiving I can remember.

Make the Christmas about you and your child, and the bundle of love and joy that is now part of your life, rather then your ex and his bottle and it may be a good one filled with cheer and love.

bearfeet

That's a brilliant attitude Ago. We don't have Thanksgiving here (I'm from England) But I intend to try to apply your logic to any such event in future. I always faced such things with a knot of fear and dread because whilst those around me would be enjoying merry cheer, I'd know of the horrors to come... x

Bernadette

Hiya bearfeet!
I'm a lapsed Catholic too - but i do have soft spot for Midnight Mass - or even Christmas day Mass - I find comfort in the repetition of the prayers I've known since I was a little girl...and I usually leave mass feeling refreshed, not envious of those around me, or bad about myself.

Christmas is, to me, a celebration of birth, of the preciousness of each baby (and therefore each of us) of humility (stables and shepherds) and honor (kings and angels) of light in the time of darkness (the star) all brought about by a MIRACLE (divine virgin birth). It's a great and timeless story that appears in so many traditions with slight variations around the world...

After my divorce the first couple years of holidays were definitely weird! I opened up to new ideas and traditions. In the nights leading up to Christmas I used to like to cozy up on the couch with my children (back in the day, when they would just snuggle right into my body like a snap-on tool!!) with all the lights off in our little apartment and just the Christmas tree lights on. We'd bring the big comforter out from my bed. I'd play these soft Christmas carol CD's or I would sing all the calm quiet Christmas carols I know. The boys would fall asleep eventually - but wow I could stare at that tree forever.

I would love to have a single of one of those "lonely" Christmases back!! They were actually magical and peaceful and so free.....

...this moment is more precious than we know!

It's not easy - if you were close by I'd have you over for Christmas cookies and tea!! But you can make the day unique and special for you and DD. Whenever my kids and I came up to some "new" way or unconventional way of dealing with things post-divorce I used to say to myself my motto now is: Proud to be Weird!

Take care!
And peace-
B.

bearfeet

Ah Bernadette (you have the same lovely name as My wonderful Sister!) How I would love to join you for cookies and tea, I'd even bring some mince pies from here. I have a cousin who lives near Boston I think although my geography of your country is proabably quite poor. He moved there after completeing his medical degree here, he always nags us to visit but the furthest I have been is around Europe so it seems unimaginable, maybe I'll make that a goal for next year? Wow! To spread mine and baby's wings a bit!

You are right, the true meaning of Christmas and the quiet and peaceful times are the most magical. I am going to mass with My Dad in the morning then cooking us some sort of lunch. My baby girl is only soon to be 1 but is lovely and snuggly (most of the time when she's not destructing my house....)

I will thank God we are all here and safe and say a prayer for Ex.

Thank you all once again, all of you and your wonderful words of guidance and encouragement from so many miles away have made me stronger than you could all imagine.

(I'm gushing now.....)

xxxxxx

JustMeInWI

((((bearfeet)))) I feel your pain.

I filed for divorce about a month ago to get away from the abuse of stbXRAH. I spent Thanksgiving alone, since my family is not supportive of my choice for a healthier future. I've realized quickly that it's MY job to take care of ME. I'm learning to pray again. I'm learning to ask for help from people that have PROVEN to me I can trust them. I'm learning to say "no" to those who have taught me that I can NOT trust them.

This year for Christmas, I decided since I was going to be "alone" (as in, not with my family or AH), I was going to do something I LOVED on Christmas, instead of trying to fit "normal" Christmas traditions into my day. Instead of sitting around the Christmas tree with my family, unwrapping presents, and travelling all around town to see everyone until late in the night, I bought myself a plane ticket to California. I'll get there Christmas eve, and I'm staying in a spa/hotel across the street (Hwy 1) from the ocean. I'll be warm (and in Wisconsin, there's no such thing as warm on Christmas), I'll have sunshine (which I LOVE), and I can relax, pray, and clear my head while listening to the waves of the ocean crash on the shore where I'll be sitting. That is the most WONDERFUL thing I could think of within my reach that I could do FOR ME to TAKE CARE OF ME and LOVE ME for Christmas

I hope and pray that you will find peace in whatever you decide to do this "Good Thursday" (as Ago called it), and "Be proud to be weird" (as Bernadette does). Love and prayers your way from me!!! (((bearfeet)))

- JustMe

MissFixit

Bearfeet, Good luck. You and your baby are a family unit and whatever you do will be special.

Just me, I have gone through something similar. Only after the cheating has come to the forefront, has my family even entertained the notion that my exabf was not such a great guy. In the spring my father told me that if L and I ever broke up that he would remain freinds with him regardless of how I felt about it. In the last month and a half, dad has changed his tune, but only after L did something as a slight to my father. He had to experience the deceit firsthand.

GiveLove

((((bearfeet))))

My most magnificent christmases have been the "orphan" kinds of Christmases, where I stumble upon people who also have nowhere to be. Do you know anyone else who will be away from their family & friends? I would sometimes host an "orphan's christmas dinner" at my house, and we could all be together, laughing and cooking. I spent one once in a battered women's day shelter, making the most of the fact that we were all safe and among friends. Be open to opportunities like this that might show themselves to you in the coming days.

Think of Christmas as having a thousand possible faces, from a family gathering of a hundred, to spending it alone reflecting on your year, on a warm beach in a foreign land. In your life, you'll see many of those faces, and none of them is better or worse than the other.....just different.

No matter what, it will be a lovely day for you and Baby. You have SO much to look forward to, the two of you!!

Hugs, GL

Rainbowsend

Carpet picnic, my kids still love them. Silly hats and finger food, always a winner, paper plates too so no washing up. I'm sure she'll spend half the day playing with the wrapping paper and empty boxes :-)

It'll be stress free cause you can just suit yourself

Laden101

I know how the holidays can be rough. I actually Hate this time of the year. I have had somethings happen during the holiday season that has made me a bah humbug about Christmas, but I have to pull it together for my son. Sounds like you are doing the same! Continue to focus on you and your daughter, and you will make it through the holiday season. Hope I can follow my own words...

Merry Christmas!

Rainbowsend

also if money is an issue scour the charity shops. I left my exh (not my A) just before Christmas. They ended up with a huge pile of books (all brand new) and none were more expensive than 50p. Playstation games for £1 -£2, even pcked up some brand new Gap clothes for virtualy nothing.

I have a good job now but still refuse to waste money. They get their main present but even this year they have some games from the local games exchange as stocking fillers and the boys are always more than happy to have extras to open christmas morning.

TakingCharge999

I hate christmas and celebrations as it seems EVERYONE drinks and parties everyday and I am the grinch and stranger that prefers to go home and be as distanced as she can from the ex and his friends

But I feel grateful I got to live another year. And even more grateful it ends as these last months were hell. Happy I will start my year stronger, alone and getting better everyday contacting the few people in my life that are worth it.

i hope you enjoy your time and if you feel sad or miss the ex just accept the feeling and recognize it.. it will pass... it is natural to miss someone that was special. that doesnt mean you wont have a great time :>