blessed4x

I don't even know where to start. My AH hasn't had a drink in a week.....not a long time, I know. He's done this before, but in the past he was angry and defensive. Something this time is different. We have had some nice conversations and there isn't the usual "strings attached" with me owing him favors for being nice. He's not attending AA, no counseling, nothing. It's as if there never was an issue. I feel like I'm in the twilight zone.

So, what does this mean for me? That's what I'm trying to figure out. I feel very off balance. I look at him and remember the man I married, the one I loved. I have felt nothing but anger and bitterness and distance from him for months. I want to be vulnerable and believe that this could be the beginning of something better. Sadly, when he is drinking I know what to expect. I know how to shut myself down and not respond. I should have walked away when it was ugly, because it seems so absurd now.

Not sure what my point is, but thought maybe there is someone out there who is feeling, or has felt the same way.....sad and confused.

ToughChoices

I spent quite a while cowering in fear of the "other shoe".
I knew it was going to drop.
I just knew it.

Looking back, a lot of precious time was wasted in anxiety.

If I could go back in time and give myself a message it would be, "Love what you've got right now. Be grateful for this moment. If/When the moment involves the swift descent of that other shoe - take care of it then."

You don't have to believe in a happily-ever-after ending to have a pleasant and fun-filled evening.
Laugh. Know that you can't know.

When I make peace with uncertainty I feel very well prepared for the future.

-TC

embraced2000

i've experienced this also, blessed. one time we had 2 whole months of bliss. al-anon taught me to cherish that time but still be my new al-anon self.

some actually make it. prayers going up for your husband and that he makes it in recovery.

AWEDA

There were periods of sobriety,and we were happy.
Sadly they never did last.

It took me a very long time to accept he would
never be free from his demons.

My son used to tell me "Mom he's going to drink again".
My son was right....
Having my heart broken so many times,until I
finally said enough.

As for myself,I could no longer bear living with what if he drinks again
I had to start my own life without him.
My children are happier without the dark cloud haning over their heads.

freeflower

I feel the same.
My ah is a quiet drunk..never said a foul word to me or anyone.
never raised his hand to me or anyone.

So sometimes I wonder, especially now
at the holidays, and being alone and sad
if I should have bit the bullet and stayed.
more money and all the freedom I wanted
because he just drank and didn't pay any attenion to me
but...I think I deserve more..like real love

I cry everyday, so confused on how this happened
all because of alcohol???????????

ICant

Yes I know the feeling of:
Is this it? Have I seen the last of his drunken behaviour? Will this sober period last when all the others haven't? If I leave now, will I have left too soon?

There are some things about my husband of which I have a deep understanding. Yet I struggle with something as basic as letting go of the situation. I have no advice, just sympathy.

brundle

I said once that it was that "peace" that made me afraid. We know we need to be content each and every day; but that is content in ourselves. I don't think you can ever really trust an alcoholic. It's like that little saying:

fool me once shame on you
fool me twice shame on me

I really don't know the saying but we all kind of know it...but if some one keeps hurting us and we let them it's our problem! So we can't trust our "A"; we KNOW anything we say or do during the good time can and will be used against us!

I work really hard to be the perfect saint keeping things "peaceful" here, but even then we eventually have a fight; you can never keep an "A" happy. And the stuff that came out of this guys mouth was horrible poison. Had he sprouted horns and a tail I would have been sure a film maker could have made him into a hissing demon with his mocking stance his menacing gaze.

I felt like you that I should have pushed harder when things where worse; but after hearing him talk. Things are so bad under the surface I wont feel bad at all when I finally get out. I think it is sad knowing you really can't trust someone who is suppose to be your partner...

Hugs...

Ago

just a hug Blessed....I truly don't even know how or what to say....it is so confusing...what made it worse for me was during those rare and peaceful times sometimes it seems I would be the one to "ruin it" because I would "flinch" or "start barking" when I thought I saw a "sudden movement" and then that would just be used as "ammunition" to why "our fighting" or "her drinking" or "her behavior" were "all my fault"

I came to see these as cyclical, the "hearts and flowers" stage always followed by yet a worse "timetotortureAndrew" phase until I would "leave" or literally leave and break up, and then hearts and flowers and the "wall of seduction" would be back.

What was stated earlier is true, we really can't trust practicing alcoholics, and I include me in that as well, so it's not just "finger pointing", but that is just really sad, you know?

so, just a /hug and wishing you all the best this Holiday Season and hoping that this period of tranquility lasts through Christmas for you.

Tally

All you can do is take it one day at a time, you have no way of knowing whether "this could be it" until it's actually happening. My bf stopped drinking 10 months ago now, no medical help or AA, just stopped at home and hasn't touched a drop since and he's doing great, we're all doing a lot better.
I know most times they don't succeed but sometimes they do. Only you will know how to handle things, baby steps and just because he's stopped for now doesn't mean you have to stop detaching or forget everything you've learnt. (((hugs)))

blessed4x

Thank you, everyone. I was in quite a funk last night. Still feeling a little this morning. I guess it's the equivalent of a hangover for us codies, huh? After pondering, I think the thing that bothers me IS the lack of intimacy. We are very cordial to each other now. We can be in the same room without the icy chill or the outright anger. But there's no real warmth. And I'm not talking just the physical stuff, it's that energy that goes between two people who are connected, if you know what I mean. Somewhere we got short-circuited.

I'm going to get through the holidays, as planned, before making any lifechanging decisions.....unless forced to.

Omega Man

Maybe something really is different this time around. I've done the same thing in the past; quit drinking for a week, a month and everytime I was the same with my wife - angry, defensive, etc. Yeah, I was sober, even attending AA but I was "dry drunk". I was angry because I knew I had a problem but wasn't really ready to face it. I was angry because I couldn't drink like normal people. Every stupid little issue set me off and I took it out on people around me. My wife walked on egg shells not knowing what would upset me.

I'm now on day 11 sober and something is different for me this time. What's different is that I finally gave in and surrendered. I'm powerless over alcohol and with that admission, a hugh burden was lifted. I have a sense of calm about me that was never there before when I quit drinking. My wife has seen it too.

I'm not saying it's been easy. I still have the same day to day issues and stresses; I still have cravings that hit when I would kill for a cold beer; but they don't seem so insurmountable anymore. It's just life, my life and with that comes the fact that I'm an alcoholic. I quit fighting that lable and just accepted it and asked for help. I really can't explain it; it's just a sense of inner peace.

I really hope that your husband has reached the point that I did. Perhaps he will open up and share the same with you. I really hope that he finally made that break through, taking that first step and admitting to himself that he is powerless over alcohol. He'll need help to stay sober and find true happiness but let's pray that he is on the right path.

Keep us posted and feel free to PM me if I can offer any additional insight. My wife could have written your post.

Just finished a nice, peaceful breakfast with the family. Wife is off to son's school for a Christmas event and I know she's in the car wondering what the aliens did with her husband. I'm off to work and then an AA meeting tonight.
I hope your day goes as well.

ToughChoices

I think this is what happens when one partner begins recovery and the other remain unconscious. The anger and obsession fades away and in its place......quiet, peace. But little connection.

I know this feeling. I am feeling it, as well.

Perhaps it is a sign of improvement and health that you are no longer operating on the same "wavelength" as your addicted partner.
Perhaps your inability to connect with your AH is a measure of your movement away from chaos and into acceptance.

He may well join you in the adventure. He may not. Either way, you will have an adventure!

Good luck to you!
-TC

blessed4x

I think you nailed it. Thanks for reminding me it's not an all or nothing deal and that it's okay to live in the moment. I do believe that I am getting healthier, but still have a long way to go. It's hard for me to be in the here and now. I find myself remembering what it was like or hoping for what it will be like. I am going to make a conscious effort to enjoy what it is like.

ToughChoices

The moment is the only place to live. Everything else is a distraction - a fantasy or a memory.

I'm finding that, no matter what I have, if I am grateful for it, it is great.

Hugs to you today!
-TC

FormerDoormat

I think it's sadder that I really didn't believe that I could take care of myself and make it on my own.

Barbara52

If I were in your shoes (and I never have been since my xAH never admited to being an alcoholic let alone ever attempt sobriety) I would try to internalize that change takes time, for him and for you. His changes you can't control. Your you can. So continue what you need to do for you regardless of whether he is sober, actively drinking, turns into a tomato or whatever.

Reminder

Hi TC:

This moment is all we really have. Unfortunately, the present is often conditioned by the past, and so people unconsciously react or they become idealistic about the way things should be in the future. The present is lost in the future and the past. I try to remind myself every day to make the present in the foreground and the past/future in the background. Thanks for your post.

Peace.

Reminder

Hi Blessed4x:

Very nice. This really resonates with me.

Peace.