Holiday Trip
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
Holiday Trip
My ex fiancee called up his family wants to pay for tickets to have me and the baby come and visit on xmas. First Xmas for her and he just got off of a binge a week ago which involved women, drugs and lots of money spent. (Money spent because we didn't get any and women because his mom said a girl called asking for him a couple of times and drugs because he avoided me for a couple of days and sounded burnt when I did talk to him) He never gave me any excuse for running away and leaving. Now he moved back in to his parents and wants us to visit? I know its crazy and shouldn't even affect me and of course I got of the phone in tears because he made me feel like a horrible person for not wanting to spend xmas with them and open her presents his mom bought. My mom would not let me live here if she knew I went there and she would be crushed to miss my first xmas with teh family in years not to mention baby girls first one. I am so distrought because a little part of me wants to be selfish and hook up with him for a weekend to convince him what he lost and make him see but I know that would never be the case. He is accusing me of sabotaging any future for our "family" and that even though he lives at home has no money and is still using is somehow a good catch? What is wrong with me I know we have only been apart a month or two but what the heck is wrong? Why can't I keep to my no contact rule? Why do I keep getting suckered in to believe he loves me. I know he doesn't even love himself right now. What do I do?
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
ami,
I think if you sit down and give yourself some quiet time, you'll get your answer. You deserve so much more, and so does that little baby of yours.
Just my opinion but it seems like your mom has really helped you out quite a lot, while he on the other hand....
I think if you sit down and give yourself some quiet time, you'll get your answer. You deserve so much more, and so does that little baby of yours.
Just my opinion but it seems like your mom has really helped you out quite a lot, while he on the other hand....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by whereami 
.
I am so distrought because a little part of me wants to be selfish and hook up with him for a weekend to convince him what he lost and make him see but I know that would never be the case. He is accusing me of sabotaging any future for our "family" and that even though he lives at home has no money and is still using is somehow a good catch? ?
I am so distrought because a little part of me wants to be selfish and hook up with him for a weekend to convince him what he lost and make him see but I know that would never be the case. He is accusing me of sabotaging any future for our "family" and that even though he lives at home has no money and is still using is somehow a good catch? ?
There are two books that could change your life, The Nine Fantasies That Will Ruin Your Life ( and the eight realities that will save you) by Dr. Joy Brown and Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie. You can find copies at your local library or used on Amazon for a pittance.
A Brand New Life
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 287
I read Codependent no more I guess I better read it again tonight...I was fine yesterday I just have to get through this. I know we deserve better and I know he is a loser and yet I still hang on to false hope-so stupid...I need to stop talking to him it is so hard sometimes. I have a job but no car after this week because the rental goes back and he ruined our credit so now I have to figure out transportation. If they don't let me sign a new loan which I don't see why they would.. I'm screwed...I guess I was desperate and thought he could save me that is codependent thinking and very embarrassing. I will enjoy my holiday with my family and my little girl who I love so much and I will make it the best first Christmas for her. I need to stop focusing on what cannot be and focus on what will. Choice by choice I can do this day by day. It is a struggle and I am grieving a loss but it is a loss that never existed and I have to accept that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Hey there ami,
Couple of things, first, you do deserve more, and the minute you realize that the better off you will be. I was pm'ing another member here earlier and her and I were discussing that topic.
You see, we all can sit her and say that we know we deserve better--- but it's like others around us, including our addcits know the truth. Addicts are like bloodhounds they can track down anything- including a weakness, if you saying you know you deserve better isn't authentic, they will sense it and will continue to manipulate you.
And it will happen- and you will still feel guilty and all the other nastiness that comes along with dealing with them.
You HAVE to get to a point, where you do something- anything for yourself that will make you feel better about YOU, and you will be amazed at how much less he is able to affect you.
As far as the vehicle thing- I don't know where you live, but in many, many, many states, there are plenty of sub-prime lending programs available to people with compromised credit.
I have worked in this field for 15 yrs....
I have helped many many people with credit issues.
Here's a couple tips..........
toyota- excellent company that will still buy paper with bad credit. the dealer needs to make sure they put you in a car that has a good book value, so that they can justify buying the 'deal'.
go to a LARGE dealer, that has a strong relationship with the banks, it's business 101 the more paper a dealer sends a bank, the more flexibility they will give the dealer on less desireable loans....(cause the dealer can say to them, "hey we gave you x thousands of dollars of business this month, I need this deal")
Make sure you can explain to the finance manager(we aren't all bad guys- lol) what was his on your credit report.
Bring all supporting docs, of things that have been paid, ie, med bills, taxl liens, etc.
Bring your 3wks paystubs, and phone bill with the address that you reside at-
It is prob. a good thing to assume you will need some money down, anything you can scrounge up will help.
make sure your references KNOW you are useing them, and make sure they answer when the bank calls, (the bank can/will turn down a loan because they cant 'verify' refs, and job)
I hope this helps......
I'd like to see you get a car, so you and your daughter can get around and have some freedom and independence.
This will help your self esteem.
Stay away from him, he will only bring your down.
Best of luck
Cessy
Couple of things, first, you do deserve more, and the minute you realize that the better off you will be. I was pm'ing another member here earlier and her and I were discussing that topic.
You see, we all can sit her and say that we know we deserve better--- but it's like others around us, including our addcits know the truth. Addicts are like bloodhounds they can track down anything- including a weakness, if you saying you know you deserve better isn't authentic, they will sense it and will continue to manipulate you.
And it will happen- and you will still feel guilty and all the other nastiness that comes along with dealing with them.
You HAVE to get to a point, where you do something- anything for yourself that will make you feel better about YOU, and you will be amazed at how much less he is able to affect you.
As far as the vehicle thing- I don't know where you live, but in many, many, many states, there are plenty of sub-prime lending programs available to people with compromised credit.
I have worked in this field for 15 yrs....
I have helped many many people with credit issues.
Here's a couple tips..........
toyota- excellent company that will still buy paper with bad credit. the dealer needs to make sure they put you in a car that has a good book value, so that they can justify buying the 'deal'.
go to a LARGE dealer, that has a strong relationship with the banks, it's business 101 the more paper a dealer sends a bank, the more flexibility they will give the dealer on less desireable loans....(cause the dealer can say to them, "hey we gave you x thousands of dollars of business this month, I need this deal")
Make sure you can explain to the finance manager(we aren't all bad guys- lol) what was his on your credit report.
Bring all supporting docs, of things that have been paid, ie, med bills, taxl liens, etc.
Bring your 3wks paystubs, and phone bill with the address that you reside at-
It is prob. a good thing to assume you will need some money down, anything you can scrounge up will help.
make sure your references KNOW you are useing them, and make sure they answer when the bank calls, (the bank can/will turn down a loan because they cant 'verify' refs, and job)
I hope this helps......
I'd like to see you get a car, so you and your daughter can get around and have some freedom and independence.
This will help your self esteem.
Stay away from him, he will only bring your down.
Best of luck
Cessy
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
My ex fiancee called up his family wants to pay for tickets to have me and the baby come and visit on xmas.
Hi Ami! How ironic. My ex's family wanted to pay for tickets for me and my son to come and visit on christmas. I told them no because my family helps support me and my son when I am in need and they deserve to spend time with us at Christmas. My ex's family hasn't done anything for us. I did tell them that I wouldn't mind coming out for a visit over new years. They said that sounded wonderful and told me they were going to wire out some money for me to buy tickets with but it hasn't shown up yet. When it comes to making empty promises, I don't think the apple has fallen far from the tree. It's better that I stay around the people who love and support me with their actions this christmas, than those who SAY they love and support me but never follow through.
Hi Ami! How ironic. My ex's family wanted to pay for tickets for me and my son to come and visit on christmas. I told them no because my family helps support me and my son when I am in need and they deserve to spend time with us at Christmas. My ex's family hasn't done anything for us. I did tell them that I wouldn't mind coming out for a visit over new years. They said that sounded wonderful and told me they were going to wire out some money for me to buy tickets with but it hasn't shown up yet. When it comes to making empty promises, I don't think the apple has fallen far from the tree. It's better that I stay around the people who love and support me with their actions this christmas, than those who SAY they love and support me but never follow through.
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