JustMeInWI

I'm really hurting today. Right now. And have been for the last 36 hours or so.

You see, though stbXSAH has been saying a lot of hurtful things to me this whole time (since I filed for divorce) and trying to turn all the problems on me, he has also been telling me (in voicemails, emails, and texts) that he still loves me, that he doesn't want to hurt me anymore, that he really does want to work on this whenever I am ready to... until Sunday at 2pm. And he decided that the best way to let me know was via cell phone text message. He said, "Thanks for giving me this time to think. We probably weren't cut out for each other afterall. I wish u the best."

That was it. No explanations. No clarification on why things had to be this way or what had changed his mind. Just "goodbye".

I'm so shredded. Until now I've had hope. Until now I've felt "safe". Until now I haven't totally lost him. We can still "get better" and have a future. Now all that's changed.

I feel like my heart is being squeezed - suffocated. It cannot "breath" - I cannot breath. Any time I try to grasp my feelings and begin to actually address them and FEEL them and work through them, the weeping comes in gushing waves. I don't know what to do. I panic. I try to shore up the feelings, try to stop them. Then the slow, strangling suffocation sets back in on my heart. I'm so alone and so scared. All is quiet here, but the racket inside my head is deafening. How do I make it stop? How do I survive?

My head knows that this action on his part should (now more than ever) prompt the planning of the funeral. I should be writing the eulogy for the dream I married, the dream that doesn't exist in the real. But I don't want to. It hurts too much and I'm scared as he!!.

I want to wake up to find out this was all some awful dream. Wake up in my own house, in my own bed again, with his arms around me. Someone mentioned earlier today that up until this point, codies (myself included) have been able to always neglect their own feelings because as soon as some intense pain or joy came along for the codie, the A would come up with some new major situation, and the codie could put their feelings on hold, eventually forgetting them, and 'fix' the A instead. Now that he's not around, I can't focus all my energy and emotions on fixing him and his problems. Now I have to focus it on me and my emotions and fixing me. And I'm terrified.

I could definitely use your prayers and encouragement. This is so overwhelming.

denny57

JustMe, I promise you things will get better. That might not mean much right now, when you are in such pain, but I hope you can tuck it somewhere and come to believe it.

When I was in the pain of ending my marriage, people who mattered to me told me it would get better. I didn't feel it, didn't want to hear it actually, but I chose to believe it and that helped me through it all.

There was no going around it, I had to go through it. I had many, many, crying jags.

Reach out for support; try not to isolate. It can be terrifying, but it can also be the start of something grand for your life.

Sending you lots of love and hugs. ((( )))

kingston

JustMe, I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain, I relate to your words. A few months ago I left my AH after over 20 years of drinking, dry drunk spots, in and out of rehab, broken promises, etc etc. Within a week he was introducing his girlfriend to all my friends in my old neighborhood - this was someone he had an affair with 15 years ago. He hadn't been drinking for about 3 years (dry but with the same behaviors) but within 24 hours of me leaving he was falling down drunk.

The pain I felt was overwhelming, I remember falling to my knees and wailing, it was so intense. I literally cried for hours - all the feelings that I bottled up for all those years came to the surface, it wasn't pretty.

The feelings of guilt, shame, betrayal were terrible. I felt so empty except for all the negative feelings. I thought I'd never breath again or smile again.

But......

I have survived, I went thru it, like Denny57 says there is no way around it, I had to go thru it and at the end of the day I'M GRATEFUL THAT I DID.

I'm a much happier person these days, I feel content and secure within my own skin. I smile a lot and I've even been known to sing out loud for no reason. I've moved into my own home, a lovely cottage on 150 acres which my dog loves, I've surrounded myself with honest, supportive and loving friends. I've started my own spiritual journey of discovery and healing. I meditate and attend yoga.

So many positive changes have taken place since those dark days in August. I still have times when I look to the past but it's with eyes and heart open now. I can see the difference between my fantasies of what I believed my marriage was and what the reality was.

It hasn't been easy by any stretch of the imagination, in fact it has been very painful. But without "going thru this" I wouldn't be the person I am today.

I love and respect myself now - a totally new concept and a first for this 54 year old woman.

Baby steps each day, be kind to yourself, take each day (and sometimes each hour) one at a time. Look after yourself.

I sincerely hope you find peace, keep reading and posting, reach out and don't be afraid to ask for support, it's there for the asking. K.

JustMeInWI

Thank you both so very much.

I don't know if you guys had a similar experience, but yesterday as I began to doubt all my choices, my decisions for my sanity and health and serenity, I felt I should go to an AlAnon meeting. So I did. The meeting was about expectations. And one person put it that we should not have any for anything or anyone because we're just storing up future resentments... And I was reading in the "One Day At A Time" - I looked up every daily reading about divorce, and all I could hear was, "DON'T DO IT! THAT'S TOO EXTREME!! JUST STAY WHERE YOU ARE AND DEAL WITH IT." And that just made me more scared...

I feel so supported here on this forum. I know all of you are such strong women and making HEALTHY choices. I don't understand why it could feel so different with the Al Anon group last night. I'm so confused and confusion is just making the fear worse.

JustMeInWI

I just wanted to share: my counselor emailed me a link to a website for support while working through a divorce. If you go to this link: DivorceCare: Daily Emails and sign up, they will send you a daily devotional to help you focus on God rather than on your misery and the chaos. I just signed up

MissFixit

Just me,

I am going through something similar. It is painful and scary. The fear and panic has come as the biggest shock and hurdle to me.

Try not to isolate. I find that even if I can walk around the block for 30 minutes, I feel better. Also, please keep going to al anon. It will help sort out some confused feelings and let you know that others have been there. They might share techniques that helped them deal with similar situations.

Sleep has been another obstacle for me and maybe for you. I think moods worsen without quality (or any) sleep. I know we are not supposed to discuss medications, but Melatonin has helped me sleep just a few hours each night. I tried my aunt's anti-anxiety medication (to sleep) and tomorrow I see a doctor for a prescription.

Hope that helps.

Pajarito

(((JustMe))) I am so sorry you are struggling. However- if you weren't, I would fear there was something wrong with you! This is a painful experience- no way around it but through it. It is a loss- on so many levels. I've been separated from STBXAH for a year and a half, and it still sometimes feels like a knife in my heart. But, slowly over time I have started to feel glimmers of gratefulness and hope. I KNOW my life with STBXAH was unhealthy. If I can focus on myself and what I need and want, I can find ways to bring happiness and peace into my life.

Of course you doubt. You have no idea what is in store in your future- but you are the one person who can control that now. If you look back over your relationship with your AH what is it you find? Sadness? Chaos? Frustration? Fear? Fear is a huge one for me- and now I am fearful at times, because there is so much to deal with, but I know it's temporary. One day all the paperwork will be done. The house will be sold, and I'll have my own sweet little place to call home. Winter will be over, spring will be here. . . you get what I mean? I have those dark days, but I have good ones too. When you are really struggling try reaching out. Talk to a friend or family member you love. How about counseling? Journaling helped me too- in fact- I went through one and just last night bought another. My first journal has the saying, "Just when the caterpillar thought the world had ended, it became a butterfly." My new one has a saying on it about living to the fullest- "sing like no one can hear you, dance laugh, etc". . . Going back and reading what I've been through assures me life is getting better, and reinforces why I am on this path. Whatever you do, do not feel lonely. There are many of us going through this, and that was such a relief for me- to find a group of people who could understand some of my pain.

I read a helpful book called "Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses." It's an al-anon book. It was great as far as helping me recognize my feelings, and it was profound for me too- there is something in it about how as a person affected by another person's alcoholism, I have been mourning for a long time- much longer than a year and a half. That was an eye-opener for me. I was so busy trying to fix things and make things "right" that I had not let myself really deal with the fact that my marriage had been going downhill for years. Anyway- it's a book you might like. . .

Take care! (p.s.- is that your kitty in your avatar???)

JustMeInWI

Yes - that is my Ebony. And she is SUCH a comfort to me. She'll snuggle on my lap for hours. She knows just when I need a "hug".

And thank you all for the recommendations.

For sleep I have actually been using Tylenol PM, although I've heard Melatonin is much more natural, so I may switch to that to see how it works.

And I purchased the "Opening our Hearts, Transforming our Losses" book. I went on a book buying stint and bought just about every book AlAnon had published. I will move it up in my pile of "to be read soon" I am currently working on one I found on emotional abuse and one that denny recommended about men with control/abuse issues called "Why Does He Do That?" It's hard not to isolate when I have a stack of books to read. I will try to at least go read in coffee shops (around people) some of the time so I'm not completely alone.

Thanks again all of you for your love and support. I don't know where I'd be without all of you...

ToughChoices

In the beginning, I thought about divorce a lot -
It seemed an escape route, a way out of the chaos!
At the time, it seemed like an easy answer to my problems - a legal decision to forever free me from alcoholism.

Yeah - turns out it doesn't always work out that way,

I think those AlAnon readings are geared toward that "quick-fix" mindset.

The whole, "calm down, think it through, don't be rash" message was very helpful for me initially. It still is sometimes.
But, now, I know that there is an appropriate time and place for action.

The serenity prayer isn't just for acceptance.
It's also for courage to change.

Lots of courage and hugs headed your way, JustMe!
Life does get better.

-TC

GiveLove

JustMe,

Sending you hugs and strength to get through this tough time.

Though that might seem really cliche and seem like it's belittling the magnitude of what you're feeling, ten years from now in 2018 you will look back at this, December 2008, and think to yourself (from your happy life) "Wow, that was really a miserable, tough time. But I had to plow through it in order to have what i have now. Wouldn't change it for the world."

This pain will not last forever. You are stronger, wiser, and more beautiful than you think, and soon you will feel it too, just as we do now.

Hugs,
GL

denny57

I don't use "One Day at a Time." I use "Courage to Change." The beautiful thing about Al Anon is I take what I like/need and leave the rest. Divorce was a last resort for me, not the path of least resistance. I sense it has been the same for you.

((( )))

j0hn0than1964

hello JustMeInWi first off prayers and hugs for you!!!!!!!

yes divorce is a tough area to be in and it is typically a very tough decision not only to make in your mind, but to go through all the stuff to actually do it, which seems to be tough and go on and on. one very good thing is the meaning of the word itself, you do have the change to "divorce" yourself from all of the things that make you unhappy and hurt you over time. I know everyone tells you to be strong and I am sure that sounds like an impossible task at this time, but it is not, think about it you are being strong and brave right now, you are expressing yourself honestly here and being open with your feelings, that is hard. I was once told by a person I respect, that we should not only do the next "right thing" but maybe a better approach is the next "HARD right thing" if it is not hard maybe it is just more of the same. I would close in saying just remain honest with yourself and as honest as you can with you feelings, continue to share and also continue to share in your AL-Anon meetings. I like what Denny said, take what you need and leave the rest, that is true of many things apply it where you can.

Love JT

Ago

Andrew walks up and gives you a chocolate muffin and a hug then walks away without saying a word because sometimes words just don't help, but chocolate muffins always do.