asdf

This is my first time posting. I'm not sure what led me here, but i'm hoping that i do receive the answers if not the guidance of what to do or where to go... first of, a bit about my background. i am 32 mother of two boys, one 8 and one 15. i was married to my high school sweetheart for 10 years, were together for 15 years. i filed for divorce last year, after realizing that his addiction had hurt the marriage along with his drinking. He had an addiction, that would lead him to leave for days, empty out the bank account, never call, he would just dissappear until he was broke, tired and hungry. this went on for 9 years, and it would happen at first every 3-4 months, then it was every 2 months. he missed birthdays for the boys, our anniversary, i was once robbed at gunpoint, and needed him to come pick me up, but he wouldnt answer his phone because he was wired, of all days i needed him he was there. then my oldest was arrested for having pot at school one day, and sure enough he wasnt there to help me get through it and pick up our son from juevenile that day. so i went to alanon realized that i could do nothing to change him, and then i one day snapped, asked that he leave the house, and i filed for divorce. our separation was very rocky, he was threatning, breaking stuff, lying, refusing to see the boys, it was hard, but i got through it and the divorce was finalized. i must say that i was the hardest 15 years of my life. fast forward to 1 year later. i met my boyfriend back in august, didnt start talking/dating till september and ever since then its been a whirlwind of a romance. until i realized he was using as well. when i first found out he was using, i confronted him and he had already known my story with the ex and how i had to leave that situation, and he said he would stop and that he didnt want to lose what we had. one month later i confronted him because i suspected he was using, and it came out that he had been. i felt so betrayed, angry, hurt, resentment. that was in october. ever since then, when we are with his group of friends he does use. it wasnt until two weeks ago that i realized what he was doing, and he said he thought as long as he didnt do it in front of me that he didnt think i would mind. but i could tell when he was wired. i've been there done that with the ex. he says this is who he is and that i should remember who it is i fell in love with and that he doesnt do it all the time. which is true but just last week it was twice. i dont know what to do. he says that i need to learn to deal with it, but i dont think i can. i have too much hurt and anger with that drug, because i lost my marriage and family to it. i dont want to lose him as well, but i do not know what to. i'm not sure if my problem is with him using or if its the drug itself. when on it, yeah he's a bit different, but he isnt what i use to deal with but the thought of him on it just irks me that i get mad for awhile and i end up texting/calling guys that i use to date, just so that i dont have to deal with it. my concern is that one day i might cheat on him because i do get hurt when he does that, and i know that me cheating will hurt him... how immature is that thinking but im getting tired of being hurt and mad. i myself cant understand how i got myself in this situation in the first place. i wasnt looking for love when i met him, it all just happened, its like they say, when you aint looking it hits you right smack in the face and here i am... okay this was long, but i am so CONFUSED and i dont know what to do...

UNHAPPY777

Run and I mean fast. I'm not judging you but, I'm going through what you went through with your Ah. Did your ex ever get clean? If not why do you think this new man will get clean? How dar ehe give you an ultimatum? What gives him the right to tell you to deal with it? I wouldn't take this if I were you. To stay with your husband is one thing but, to stay with a boy friend to whom you just met if another! But, it is your choice. But, be prepared to rife the waves. My heart goes out to you because I couldn't go through this twice.

Hugs

hello-kitty

Hi. If it was my situation I would look at my children and think ,"what kind of men do I want them to grow up to be." Then I would look at my boyfriend and think, "I do not want them to grow up thinking that using drugs is acceptable."

Also, you have seen the writing on the wall with your husband's behavior. It's not a question of whether or not drug addiction progresses, it's a question of how long it will take. People who use have using as their number one priority. Not their girlfriends. Not their families. Drugs first. Do you want to take second place to drugs?

Choose wisely because your children are watching...

Freedom1990

When I left my addict husband, I thought the problem was solved.

The painful truth of the matter was the problem was looking back at me in the mirror.

I repeated the same pattern over and over with different men for 12 long years after I left the husband before I became willing to look at why I made the choices I did in men, and what I needed to change in me.

cessy68

Hi there, and welcome to SR..........

I know that some responses may be ones you don't want to hear, but just as you posed in your post-"that you don't know what lead you here", in fact you do.

I will preface my response to you, by saying I mean my words with kindness, love, and support- as I have made many a mistake in my life- MY mistakes-

One thing I mean by that is by ME CHOOSING THE WRONG MEN IN MY LIFE. Granted I've only had one addict, but other relationships have been unhealthy.

YOU really NEED to sit back and ask yourself why you have drawn 2 men like this into your world- its not an accident.

Even if it your own personal energy - that you don't realize is there- that you bring unhealthy people into your world/heart, it's like you deep down don't believe that you deserve more.

If you really did believe you deserve more and this was just a fluke of a coincidence- then you would have run for the hills by now, you wouldn't be here.

Start by really looking at you.

By the way, addiction is addiction, is addiciton. If you think he is ONLY useing once a week bla bla bla, that's just YOU WANTING to buy his words, because you don't want to see the truth.

You need to think of everything you and your boys have been through ALREADY, and do the work to make your lives healthy, loving, peaceful, and strong.

Keep writing, reading, etc.
YOU WILL find the support you need, even if it comes with some hard doses of realtiy at times.
Hugs,
Cessy

winnie12

I asked a counselor once "why does this type of man always become attracted to me"?He flipped it on me and said no the question is "why are you attracted to them."
It was one of the biggest truths I ever learned about myself.

wooforever

You need to get out before it goes any further! He has flat out told you he is not going to give up the drugs he has made his choice the drug wins.

j0hn0than1964

Hello ASDF,

Yes I agree you should move on and not look back at his point. There are many reasons that may have somehow stumbled onto another user. For whatever reason you know that you do not need this in your life. I read your touching words on how difficult it was to leave your husband of a similar mold. I know things would seem different now and the use is not as progressed or as dramatic as what you have seen in your past but it will be that is just an absolute. These things I know I have been there done that myself, I have used the phrase "hey I was this way when you met me so deal with it" verbatim in my past. That is just a load of BS as we are all hopeful even when we see red flags that it will be different this time, but it is just not ever it seems. I will say this if a person is not an addict or alcoholic they can typically walk away from the use without much of a discussion if any, and if not well it seems there is more than meets the eye for the person in question and this is only solved by their soul searching not yours. Please put yourself where you really need to be and that is first, it is OK really you are worth it, and that will become more and more understood and your way of life as you grow. Of course we all know how much harder it is for you in the situation apposed to use offering all if this advice, but keep in mind due to the fact we are directly involved that allows us to provide this advice which I would imagine as you read through these post, we are all supportive and saying the same thing in different ways.

Please hang in there and post back, as the support is here.
Love JT

In a Tailspin

Hello asdf -

Welcome to SR........I wasn't sure why or how or I found it either, but it has been a wonderful boost to my sanity!!

First, as others have said in so many other threads, I would STRONGLY advise you to find an Alanon or Naranon meeting in your area. It may take trying several different ones before you find the right "fit", but trust me when I say that the right meeting will be a true God-send for your own strength and peace of mind in the current situation you are in, and any that are to come.

If I were you, I'd be out......but I'm not you and, just like only the addict can choose to quit drugs, only the codie (that's us!) can decide what we will live with. I recently had a lightbulb moment in another post about boundaries. It's quite simply this: you need to decide where your boundaries are (as in, what you are and are not willing to live with/have in you life) The reasons for these boundaries are YOURS.......ie: it doesn't matter WHY you have said you don't want drugs in you life, it only matters that you have decided that for yourself. Picture it like this: clasp you hands together and make a circle in front of your body. Picture your arms as your boundaries. Anything inside the boundary is what you would like in your life, and anything outside the boundary is what you will not allow in your life. Now, does your abf fit inside your arms or outside your arms? It's so simple, yet so hard. Trust me, I know!!

I would encourage you to look at the big picture. It sounds like you (and he) are excusing his behavior because he's not in "full-on" addict mode......YET. And yes, that YET is capitalized!! It doesn't matter if he thinks he is in control of his drugs. Maybe he is and always will be......maybe he never has been and never will be. The fact is, you made your boundaries, and he is trampling them. This is a very young relationship and he is already telling you that what you want is not as important as his drugs.......do you really think it will get better............??

Big hugs going out to you, my dear......I know this is a hard place. Just be grateful it didn't take another 15 years of your precious time to find this one out!! Good luck, and keep coming back......updates are helpful to everyone!

bluejay6

asdf,

the disease of addiction often makes addicts so attractive, so lovable, so charming....to everyone, not just the men or women who fall in love with them. they're better at sales, they're better at business (many addicts reach their professional heights the same time they reach their greatest drug usage). the disease enhances their ability to manipulate, for that is how it secures the drugs it needs.

that you fell in love with someone who is an addict is something, i believe, you should not blame yourself for. i applaud you for taking a stand and getting away from your first addict, your exhusband. that had to have taken enormous courage.

and then you fell in love, afterward, with someone who "whirled" you into romance. not knowing he uses.

addiction is widespread in our culture, worse than ever with the ready availability of pills via the internet, and street drugs in the high schools now, and i think the chances of anyone becoming involved with someone hiding an addiction is greater than it has ever been. addiction is a national, cultural epidemic.

that said, here is what you ARE responsible for: facing NOW the reality that a man who will not give up drugs for you or for anyone is being invited into your life and your children's lives by YOU. you alone are ultimately responsible for what happens next in this story.

how do you intend to write it? please be careful. addiction is controlling him and it won't be long before it is completely controlling your family.

Cupicake

You said it yourself...."you've been there done that". So....do you really want to stick around and do it all over again? Whatever your mind instinctively answered....is your answer. You just have to figure out how your are going to put action to your thoughts.
He's basically told you that he's choosing the drug. That you have to take him the way he is with his active addiction. I don't think he could lay it out any simpler than that.