tiredlady2006

I feel like I have come to my decision. I have the nerve to finally say I want out, and I'm scared I will lose it again or he will be nice to me again and I'll forget all of the bad stuff once again. I have been counting the days till Christmas, because I said I would wait till then to leave so I don't upset the Kids for the holidays. But then I find out something like this...

As I have written a few times, my father has recently died. (1 month ago now) and I was very very close with him. Well, I have been really depressed. Both because he passed away, but also becuase my husband decided to start drinking again at this exact time. He keeps saying.. "you do what you need to do to morn, I will be here, I'm not going anywhere..etc" and I say thank you, but know that he's being as nice as he can be so that he can keep drinking. Its so PHONY I can't stand it. Well, the other night we were having dinner with our 4 kids. 1, 4, 16, and 20. (i know, crazy house) And he was talking about how my father made the best soup...and then said.. "Man, did anyone write that recipe down?" ... well, I can't help it, but I got upset. I quietly excused myself from the table so the kids wouldn't see my crying, and went upstairs for a minute. When I came back down he was being very nice and said he was so sorry and didn't mean to upset me.

Well, the other night, I find out from my 20 year old that when I went upstairs, he said to all of the kids "GOD, I"m so sick of this ****!, I can't say anything".

Now, tell me, am I over reacting that I am so pissed and feel like its the final straw, I just want to get the hell out of there!

GiveLove

Tiredlady,

I'm so sorry you're going through this, and I'm so sorry about the loss of your dad. When I lost mine a few years back, even though we WEREN'T as close as I'd like, it took me several weeks for my emotions to stop jerking back and forth. I was on edge, and at times borderline irrational. It hurt.

I understand your anger too. When I lost my sister to suicide, my ABF was very kind to me for several weeks, and I was so impressed by what I thought was a new, gentle, supportive side of him until one day we had a verbal tussle and he blurted out that he'd been "...kissing your a$$ for weeks now because you can't handle this...." That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me. Sound familiar?

But your husband has done other intensely disrespectful things, right? That's why you know in your heart that it's time to go. This event you speak of doesn't break the pattern at all....it seems to be more of the same. This is the man who accused you of cheating when your dad died, right?

If it's important for you to get your kids through the holidays without disruption -- if you think you're going to beat yourself up over this later, sapping valuable emotional energy -- then you may wish to spend the next ten days doing things toward your goal rather than implementing it. Taking a deep breath, going over your exit plan, getting your affairs in order, talking with a counselor about what you're planning to do and why. Gathering strength and clarity.

But that said, I can hear where you are emotionally right now and I understand. We both know that there will always be a reason not to leave. Xmas, someone's birthday, graduation, school systems, someone doesn't approve, etc etc. I vaulted out of my last relationship with an alcoholic on his birthday -- a sacred holiday to him! -- because I literally couldn't stand it for one. more. minute. You need to do what's best for your own sanity and peace of mind, rather than forever putting the needs of others first. Sometimes anger can be a useful tool in propelling us forward.

Sending you hugs, strength, and clarity to do what's right for yourself.

Freedom1990

I agree with GiveLove. There will always be a reason not to leave because I sure found plenty.

I left when I did because there was only a strand of my sanity left, and there was no waiting for the 'right' time. I had come to my breaking point.

:ghug :ghug

tiredlady2006

Am I being dramatic about the comment he made? That was really mean, right?

Aesakitty

No, you are not. What he said was not right. Check out a book at the library on abuse/abusive relationships. Denial and excuses on our half of the relationship is very common. If you question your decision to leave consider your children, staying in an abusive relationship is showing them that it is acceptable to be treated in this way. I hope this helps. Realize that you are worthy of happiness and great treatment!

prodigal

It was mean, but you don't need to doubt yourself about whether or not you feel it was mean. What one person consideres unconscionable, another will find to be alright.

It's not a matter of how mean it was, it's a matter of how done you are. I agree with GiveLove. Get your ducks in a row to the best of your abilities. There is never a "right" time to leave an A. Believe me, I know from having left my exAH at 10 pm on a Sunday with no idea where to go. I just grabbed what I could before he beat me again, and got out.

It wasn't the way I dreamed of leaving, but I got out when I absolutely could not take another second of the insanity. And my anger served the purpose of propelling me out the door. I wasn't afraid, I wasn't scared, I was good and mad and sick of it all. That's what it took to get me to finally say, "enough!"

denny57

Once I was out of the alcoholic relationship, I no longer had to ask am I being dramatic? He didn't define me any longer. No one else in my life has ever called me dramatic, except my mother. Did I mention I married my mother LOL?

I am not dramatic. No one will ever tell me again that I am for their own selfish purposes.

Good luck, tiredlady2006; I'd be tired, too. ((( )))

Bernadette

Yeah that's a mean thing to say and poor behavior to model in front of one's children. What a lack of compassion. But no surprise from an active alcoholic.

Also - why not let your children see you cry? Then they will have a chance to comfort you - that's a good feeling for a kid-- if they get upset when you cry just hug them and say "It's OK - Mommy is sad about Grandpa dying, it makes me cry and and I just need a big hug."

After my Dad died I was prone to frequent weepiness for a long time - in fact just recently (and it's been 10 years) I heard something that reminded me of my Dad so strongly and I just started crying. Both of my sons came over to me and just put their arms around me and patted my back. I hope if they are ever in a significant relationship and their gal is upset they know how to give comfort, and based on how they behave with me I have hope for that!

Whenever someone close to me has died my kids have seen me upset - sometimes for long periods of time...but I always told them it was normal and I was sad about about the death. When they were little they would draw me cheer-up pictures.

Only you can know if it is the last straw- if it is the final straw for you then I BELIEVE you - you do not have to justify it with anyone outside of yourself! I mean when we say enough is enough then so be it!

Also timing-wise there is never a "good" time to end a marriage, there is only the time that is right for you. Your kids may go through a period of upset no matter when you do it. Just keep letting them know it isn't their fault.

Peace-
And courage!
B.

tiredlady2006

My anger is starting to consume me. And I feel like I'm living a fake life. I am upset with him most of the time, but pretend to be OK because I feel like "why bother" it won't change anything, we'll just argue for 3 weeks until I come to my senses and say i'm sorry. The best is, the other day he told me that he has worked really hard at being a good communicator and has been very successful with that.

haha. Ok.

Bernadette

That was my last straw-- when I was so filled with anger at my exH thatI wished he was dead and I just kept blaming every rage I had on him- and finally I woke up and WOW I did NOT like who I had become. The relationship was completely toxic. I needed to get out, get my side of the street cleaned up, and figure out who the hell I was! Why had I let myself be treated so poorly for long? Why had I behaved in ways that were just abhorrent to my sense of myself?

It's a big change and isn't easy - but it is SO worth it!
Peace-
B.

Barbara52

The last 2 weeks before I left now xAH were tough. I knew I was leaving on x date, he did not. It was hard not to say something. It was hard on my son who also knew. But I needed that 2 weeks to get things together to get out and I didn't want to give xAH advance warning because I didn't want the extra drama that his knowing would have meant.

If you can wait til all is set to leave (a place lined up, movers arranged for, whatever you have to arrange) and then let him know you plans, that might work for you. If it makes you feel better to wait til after Christmas, well, I have found I can tolerate a bad situation much better when I have a date certain that it will end. Perhaps that will prove to be true for you also.

freeflower

When I left, he knew about it for a month before and never even tryed to stop me, no real conversation, just...You've already made up your mind.. It was very awkward and super sad..I think he was thinking..good now I can drink in peace and stop having her investigate everything I do. The holidays are hard, especially with children at home,but get a plan together and do what you gotta do. I told my ah on Easter sunday morning as we were picking up dog poo..nice

brundle

I've been acting all nice and "normal" to husband for years. We seem to be the perfect family; it's all but driving me insane. I can barely talk to him at this point. I think to say I hate him and I wish he was dead would be just to mild for how I feel.

I'm working on getting away from him and saving what's left of my sanity. I'm getting a place to live and I'll move out one of the nights he's out drinking. He's a creature of habit. Once gone I wont leave a forwarding address; just a way to contact my lawyer. I believe if crossed (and drunk) he could be dangerous.

I think you should do what's best and safest for you and your family. There is nothing wrong with talking to a lawyer and getting some options.

Just my two cents.

freeflower

Oh Brundle, i know exactly how acting all nice and normal feels too...Like a big empty stomach ache!!! Good luck to you.I feel so much more like a human now that I'm here and he is their.

Still Waters

For me, it would depend on whether I thought I could do Christmas the way I wanted it done, in the short amount of time you have. (I love Christmas, and it's important to me to make it great).

But, I left mine on Halloween, and this Christmas will be the first one she's had with no presents. It upsets me greatly. However, the lack of insanity was well worth it to me.

I just hope she understands.

Alphawoman

Dear TiredLady,
I think most A's are totally self-consumed all of the time. I'm not sure they are capable of being able to see outside of themselves. What appears to be kindness and understanding ends up being manipulation once we get over the anger. If he has become a good communicator it is because he'll use it as ammunition somewhere down the road when you try to make sense of the negativity he brings to you and your family's table.

The key point here is that your anger is consuming you and you feel like you're living a fake life. Please remember the more any of us holds in this anger it eats us up alive. We may become very ill. Like attracts like and that's what we're inviting into our lives. Make no mistake that we're all at choice here and your life is a very real and you're absolutely miserable. We've all got to remove ourselves from this "fake life" and get ourselves healthy again. Remember everything we do is centered around the A and this is so dysfunctional. How can we possible attract the positive into our lives if we can't see the forest for the trees?

As I write this I'm telling myself the same things. I've been on SR for just a short time but, the people on this site have been the most helpful people I've ever communicated with about A. I'm in a dating situation so I know it's much different than marriage. I've known my A for 40 years so there's a history. I think of this very negative situation I got myself into has been the best life lesson I've ever learned. Given most of our natures are that of a caregiver it has taught me to be real with myself. I can't cure him!!!!!!! I'm trying to be rational with an irrational person who clearly is so far into alcohol and maybe drugs again and he's the only one who can and will change for himself.

I'm reading Melodie Beattie's book, "Playing By Heart, Taking Care of Yourself No Matter What" and it's phenomenal that she was so deep into drugs that you wonder how she ever managed to come back to life and effectively tell us her story to let us know there's hope for us and them!!! They can't get us to change either. We know we've lost all of our self-respect because we're allowing people to cross our personal boundaries. We do things we never thought we'd ever do in the name of thinking we're miracle workers. We are but, only with ourselves. We all deserve to live our own lives at our fullest potentials. We're holding ourselves back.

I'm sorry about the loss of your Dad. I'm sorry that all of this is happening during the holiday season. You are NOT BEING MEAN. You and your family deserve to see the most positive sides of life.

Good luck and keep writing on this site. It's an absolute Godsend.
Alphawoman

tiredlady2006

Wow Alphawoman, thank you so much. This site really has helped me see things more clearly. I am so thankful for that. I went to see my therapist this morning and I feel, for this moment, that I can breathe. I have an appt. with a lawyer tomorrow and called an apartment complex near here to see if they have anything available immediately. I will keep my kids happy and safe during the holidays and then after that I will take care of myself and make a change. This is what I am feeling today and I hope that I can keep this momentum going.

I said to my therpaist, that I don't think clearly for myself, so while I am thinking clearly today I will make the decision for myself to choose my happiness. I know in about a month I will cry and feel bad and guilt myself into thinking I shouldn't have done it, but I know that I can get through that stage cuz I realize now that its just a stage.

mellowchick

(((tiredlady))) I left my ex-ah without a clue or hint that I was leaving. I made that decision just the night before, I found out I was pregnant that day, he came home that night totally plowed. I gave him the news about my pregnancy. It ended up getting physical. Once he passed out, I called my family and made them aware of my intentions. I feared for my life and I wanted someone to know so that, god forbid I, didn't show up, someone knew what happened. I had to do what was best. It is hard and it doesn't help that you lost your dad. Its okay to cry sweetie. You are stronger than you think. You deserve better. Your babies deserve better. Ask yourself when is enough going to be enough. I'm praying for you! (((hugs)))

tiredlady2006

and now we are maybe 2 hours later from my post earlier...I am starting to second guess myself. Why do I do that!?

ToughChoices

What are you questioning?

What makes you want to leave? What makes you want to stay?
Can you put it in writing?

I am very well familiar with the second-guessing and self-doubt.

Keep posting and thinking.
-TC