Then and Now
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 74
Then and Now
I am pretty new here, and have not posted a lot of background, but basically I met this guy back in June - he was not drinking (2 years sober), but we were not dating exclusively, and by the end of the summer not really dating at all, he was getting serious with someone else.
Well, by August he was drinking, she was living there and drinking as well, and it spiraled out of control - he had her move out shortly after....but he was still drinking - after a total of THREE detox attempts (I was involved with the last & final - longgggg story) he finally quit again, and is 45 days sober (yay)
So, I should be happy, no?
Here is the itch....
During the couple of weeks before his final detox, and DURING it (which he did at home - I know, I know), he was never an angry or mean drunk, he just talked a lot of nonsense, made up a lot of BS grandiose stories, and did nothing really but drink and BS (lost his job, etc, totally not functioning)
I was there every day, as his friend, checking in on him and his pets, making sure there was food, etc. We talked a lot, and I supported his steps toward quitting - which he gives me a lot of the credit for.
BUT, during the drinking and early detoxing times - he was very emotionally open and verbally affectionate - he loved me so much, he wants to get married, blah blah blah. Now, I am not a stupid person, I did not for a moment think this was anything other than him wanting me to stick around, help him, etc. I did not BELIEVE any of it, any more than I believed any of the other stories I knew were total fabrications.
So, fast forward - 45 days sober, doing GREAT. I am quite proud of him. We see each other pretty much every day, and the few times I have not, it is because he is working and going straight to AA meetings, but we do chat on the phone. We spent the Thanksgiving holidays with his family, and are planning on doing the same for Christmas Eve.
But, ever since he was 100% sober....he has never said I love you, or referred to all the things he said. And yeah, he probably does not remember ALL he said, but I know he remembers some of it.
Now, at some level, it is a good thing - we are actually more in line with where we *should* be having dated for the amount of time we have. The things he said when drinking don't count, and I knew that then, and know that now.
But, still, sometimes, it sucks not ever hearing it anymore....and I sure as heck will not be the first to say anything like that to him.....I told him his sobriety needs to be his main priority, and as far as "us" he needs to be the one to set the pace.
I know I am not making sense, but after having heard him say all the things he did, it is hard taking the big step back - because HE was drinking when they were said, but I was not drinking when they were heard.
:sigh:
Well, by August he was drinking, she was living there and drinking as well, and it spiraled out of control - he had her move out shortly after....but he was still drinking - after a total of THREE detox attempts (I was involved with the last & final - longgggg story) he finally quit again, and is 45 days sober (yay)
So, I should be happy, no?
Here is the itch....
During the couple of weeks before his final detox, and DURING it (which he did at home - I know, I know), he was never an angry or mean drunk, he just talked a lot of nonsense, made up a lot of BS grandiose stories, and did nothing really but drink and BS (lost his job, etc, totally not functioning)
I was there every day, as his friend, checking in on him and his pets, making sure there was food, etc. We talked a lot, and I supported his steps toward quitting - which he gives me a lot of the credit for.
BUT, during the drinking and early detoxing times - he was very emotionally open and verbally affectionate - he loved me so much, he wants to get married, blah blah blah. Now, I am not a stupid person, I did not for a moment think this was anything other than him wanting me to stick around, help him, etc. I did not BELIEVE any of it, any more than I believed any of the other stories I knew were total fabrications.
So, fast forward - 45 days sober, doing GREAT. I am quite proud of him. We see each other pretty much every day, and the few times I have not, it is because he is working and going straight to AA meetings, but we do chat on the phone. We spent the Thanksgiving holidays with his family, and are planning on doing the same for Christmas Eve.
But, ever since he was 100% sober....he has never said I love you, or referred to all the things he said. And yeah, he probably does not remember ALL he said, but I know he remembers some of it.
Now, at some level, it is a good thing - we are actually more in line with where we *should* be having dated for the amount of time we have. The things he said when drinking don't count, and I knew that then, and know that now.
But, still, sometimes, it sucks not ever hearing it anymore....and I sure as heck will not be the first to say anything like that to him.....I told him his sobriety needs to be his main priority, and as far as "us" he needs to be the one to set the pace.
I know I am not making sense, but after having heard him say all the things he did, it is hard taking the big step back - because HE was drinking when they were said, but I was not drinking when they were heard.
:sigh:
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 74
Well, I know I want things to progress at a more natural speed. I want him to be well. I want us to get to know each other, for something more than his addiction and my "care-taking"
But, three are still times I miss that closeness we had - even though it was totally artificial. Does that make sense?
But, three are still times I miss that closeness we had - even though it was totally artificial. Does that make sense?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Yes, it does to me. But I learned a lesson: that's not reality. Accepting it was painful, really painful. I so wanted things to be the way I wanted. But, working through it, accepting what is and living in the moment have brought me more joy than I ever thought possible.
Do you attend Al Anon or any other type of support group?
Do you attend Al Anon or any other type of support group?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Cali
Posts: 48
jersey girl- i went through the exact same thing!!! except now we are no longer together because he became emotionally and physically distant and finally told me he didnt think he was in love with me anymore. that i dont understand how it is to go through recovery and the emotions changing every 5 minutes.i have never been around an alcoholic or addicted person. he was my first encounter so i had no idea that everything he was saying during our time together was a lie. we had known eachother 12 years and was my first adult love so i believed him when he came back into my life.
i am attaching a post i placed earlier this week so you can see...
...i dreamed and prayed every day that my ABF would see the light. on his last dreadful scary binge he came home and decided that this was it. no more. this person had hit rock bottom. he couldnt take it anymore. this last binge was the terror of my life. i wrote him a letter for each day he was gone telling him how painful it was watching him kill himself. he returned home from that last binge stating that he did not want to be responsible for me hurting. i stood by. researched all the options for sobriety. i tried to detach as taught in alanon. i am in alanon, all the steps you have to do for recovery. i was supportive if he could please get better. regardless of how bad the drinking was we were in love. we committed and our goal was to be with each other once he recovered.
he is now 45 days in his recovery and our relationship has fizzled. i had to officially break it off because it was becoming painful to stay with someone so distant. he told me that our relationship was a blur and right now he doesnt feel anything or if he does he doesnt thing he loves me like he did. he got involvd wittout thinking it through because he was drunk all the time. he then proceeded to say that in AA most relationships in the first year of sobriety fail or end in divorce. i am devastated by this!
i know he is sick and yes we should not have made plans. i believed foolishly i guess the love an alcoholic but i believed our love was real and for it to be dismissed is so painful. he said its not that he doesnt feel or care its that its confusing and that he wants to be honest and not make excuses that he wasnt clear in the head. i feel used. he always has an excuse-alcohol. do others get fed this same line??
he wants to still keep me in my life but i feel if he doesnt love me then where did our relationship go? why would i stay with someone who had only used me in the first place and now that he is sober no longer loves me. what hurts is he cant even say sorry. he blames the alcohol and how 45 days ago he didnt even care if he lived or not and now that he is sober this long...its a rebirth. i still pray that he maintains. he scares me because he pushes himself hard into work and making money-he wants to be rich again (which was what sank him into drinking to begin) and he wants to repair his bond with his kids and focus on sobriety and with all that he does not have time for me.
----
so with that i think this, when they are drunk they will say anything to keep you. you are after all taking care of him. it could be manipulation, it could be emotional immaturity and whatever else that us non-alcoholics will never truly understand. i was naive with his illness. you are fortunate that you didnt fall for it when he was drunk but it is sad that you are wishing he would talk to you the same way. unfortunately, he probably doesnt even know how he feels. remember alcohol causes emotional immaturity.
maybe if you want to date him you should take a few step back, go to alanon, stop saving him for a bit and go slow. being with a recovering alcoholic is a rough ride. they have to make sobriety a major priority. its almost life or death. so try not to expect to much until he's been sober for a long time! the best advice my friends have given me is to walk away. i still hurt. i will probably hurt for a long time...this person was supposed to be the one...especially believing "I love you more...I want to have babies with you...I want a future with you...I want marriage...blah blah" its a loss but maybe i can gain it with someone that really means it not because he is drunk. good luck!!!
i am attaching a post i placed earlier this week so you can see...
...i dreamed and prayed every day that my ABF would see the light. on his last dreadful scary binge he came home and decided that this was it. no more. this person had hit rock bottom. he couldnt take it anymore. this last binge was the terror of my life. i wrote him a letter for each day he was gone telling him how painful it was watching him kill himself. he returned home from that last binge stating that he did not want to be responsible for me hurting. i stood by. researched all the options for sobriety. i tried to detach as taught in alanon. i am in alanon, all the steps you have to do for recovery. i was supportive if he could please get better. regardless of how bad the drinking was we were in love. we committed and our goal was to be with each other once he recovered.
he is now 45 days in his recovery and our relationship has fizzled. i had to officially break it off because it was becoming painful to stay with someone so distant. he told me that our relationship was a blur and right now he doesnt feel anything or if he does he doesnt thing he loves me like he did. he got involvd wittout thinking it through because he was drunk all the time. he then proceeded to say that in AA most relationships in the first year of sobriety fail or end in divorce. i am devastated by this!
i know he is sick and yes we should not have made plans. i believed foolishly i guess the love an alcoholic but i believed our love was real and for it to be dismissed is so painful. he said its not that he doesnt feel or care its that its confusing and that he wants to be honest and not make excuses that he wasnt clear in the head. i feel used. he always has an excuse-alcohol. do others get fed this same line??
he wants to still keep me in my life but i feel if he doesnt love me then where did our relationship go? why would i stay with someone who had only used me in the first place and now that he is sober no longer loves me. what hurts is he cant even say sorry. he blames the alcohol and how 45 days ago he didnt even care if he lived or not and now that he is sober this long...its a rebirth. i still pray that he maintains. he scares me because he pushes himself hard into work and making money-he wants to be rich again (which was what sank him into drinking to begin) and he wants to repair his bond with his kids and focus on sobriety and with all that he does not have time for me.
----
so with that i think this, when they are drunk they will say anything to keep you. you are after all taking care of him. it could be manipulation, it could be emotional immaturity and whatever else that us non-alcoholics will never truly understand. i was naive with his illness. you are fortunate that you didnt fall for it when he was drunk but it is sad that you are wishing he would talk to you the same way. unfortunately, he probably doesnt even know how he feels. remember alcohol causes emotional immaturity.
maybe if you want to date him you should take a few step back, go to alanon, stop saving him for a bit and go slow. being with a recovering alcoholic is a rough ride. they have to make sobriety a major priority. its almost life or death. so try not to expect to much until he's been sober for a long time! the best advice my friends have given me is to walk away. i still hurt. i will probably hurt for a long time...this person was supposed to be the one...especially believing "I love you more...I want to have babies with you...I want a future with you...I want marriage...blah blah" its a loss but maybe i can gain it with someone that really means it not because he is drunk. good luck!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I always pay careful attention to what I'm craving, even if it's something I know isn't real.
Inside all of us is a compass pointing to what we need. You want the "fantasy him," the face he put on when he wasn't sober, the guy you thought he was: demonstrative, affectionate, attuned to your needs, etc. That's the kind of person you obviously want & need in your life as a romantic partner. It's a beautiful thing to have, and there's nothing unreasonable about ANYONE wanting that.
But that's not the kind of person he is, in reality.
So -- are the fantasies going to be good enough for you, for the next few decades of your life?
Take care of your needs, jerseygirl. No one else is going to. Making the hard decisions now is about a thousand times easier than making them a couple of years from now.
Hugs and strength to you
Inside all of us is a compass pointing to what we need. You want the "fantasy him," the face he put on when he wasn't sober, the guy you thought he was: demonstrative, affectionate, attuned to your needs, etc. That's the kind of person you obviously want & need in your life as a romantic partner. It's a beautiful thing to have, and there's nothing unreasonable about ANYONE wanting that.
But that's not the kind of person he is, in reality.
So -- are the fantasies going to be good enough for you, for the next few decades of your life?
Take care of your needs, jerseygirl. No one else is going to. Making the hard decisions now is about a thousand times easier than making them a couple of years from now.
Hugs and strength to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 74
Well, he is making it easier.......while talking in genreal today, not an "us" talk, he said something about having been married twice already, engaged once after that but 'getting out before it was too late' and how there will NEVER be a wife #3
Not that I was looking for anything tomorrow, or even within a couple years, but knowing he has a "never again" attitude is making me realize I need to stop thinking of continuing this much longer.
Not that I was looking for anything tomorrow, or even within a couple years, but knowing he has a "never again" attitude is making me realize I need to stop thinking of continuing this much longer.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
He's a pretty selfish guy, jg. You are being treated in a most brutal fashion. After some time has passed, the hurt will turn into anger and then, I think, you will start to feel better. But right now it just crushes.
I hope you don't let go of your high standards for relationship. We learn a lot, from these burns. Do take care.
I hope you don't let go of your high standards for relationship. We learn a lot, from these burns. Do take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by JerseyGirl 
Well, he is making it easier.......while talking in genreal today, not an "us" talk, he said something about having been married twice already, engaged once after that but 'getting out before it was too late' and how there will NEVER be a wife #3
Not that I was looking for anything tomorrow, or even within a couple years, but knowing he has a "never again" attitude is making me realize I need to stop thinking of continuing this much longer.
Not that I was looking for anything tomorrow, or even within a couple years, but knowing he has a "never again" attitude is making me realize I need to stop thinking of continuing this much longer.
If I were you, I would be asking myself why I was considering being romantically involved with such a troubled soul. What was I getting out of looking for love with a man with such a history.
I know that with what I know now having been married to an alcoholic and examined my own issues arising from being the child of 2 alcoholic parents, I would run away from such a relationship because it would mean I was going to slip right back into the self destructive behaviors and relationships I have learned to stay away from.
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