Struggling with love
Dating a recovering
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Paso Robles, Ca.
Posts: 12
Struggling with love
I've been dating a recovering for 6 months and it's been a rough ride. I met him through mutual friends at a wedding and didn't know his story yet. We started dating immediately and were head over for each other. It's continued to get harder as time goes by because I'm in the wine industry & live with 2 girls that drink a lot. I drink maybe a glass or 2 a week and he isn't ok with it. I love my job and don't have a back-up plan career. He hates my job because it's centered around alcohol. I don't see it like he does. He says that all I am is a legal drug dealer. I'm religious and if I felt like I was doing something morally wrong by working in the wine industry I wouldn't be doing it. It's almost cost us our relationship a few times. Any advice?:praying
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, wonderwall, glad you're here.
If I started a new relationship that got harder as time went by, and I'm only 6 months in, I would think it's not a relationship.
He calls you a legal drug dealer and you defend yourself. I think it's an awful beginning to a lasting relationship. Not because of the alcohol, but the negativity of it.
I love Paso - I get up there often because friends have a place there.
Keep posting!
If I started a new relationship that got harder as time went by, and I'm only 6 months in, I would think it's not a relationship.
He calls you a legal drug dealer and you defend yourself. I think it's an awful beginning to a lasting relationship. Not because of the alcohol, but the negativity of it.
I love Paso - I get up there often because friends have a place there.
Keep posting!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
You say you love your job and I don't think you should have to give up something you love for a man (or a woman for that matter). That will just cause resentment down the road. If it were me, I could not be with someone who does not respect my job (even if I can understand his reasons) and it doesn't seem like that is going to change. I am sorry that this is such a problem and I hope you can find a peaceful resolution. But really, please don't give up your job if you love it! At least not anytime soon.
And to call you a drug dealer is not fair. There are enough people who can thoroughly enjoy a glass of wine without any danger of addiction. I can see where he is coming from of course, but that sort of projection is not fair to you.
Good luck! :ghug3
And to call you a drug dealer is not fair. There are enough people who can thoroughly enjoy a glass of wine without any danger of addiction. I can see where he is coming from of course, but that sort of projection is not fair to you.
Good luck! :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Sorry, wonderwall but.......you were in the industry when he met you? Or shortly thereafter? And he knew this? And has continued to date you anyway?
I know you must love him but...I personally would be very insulted by his behavior. I can empathize with alcoholics who aren't comfortable with their SO drinking at all; if it interferes with their ability to stay sober then they have some tough decisions to make, and it is their right. But ABUSING and INSULTING their SO for working near satan alcohol? Sounds very controlling to me. I'm one of those drinkers who can take it or leave it, enjoy it occasionally but certainly don't need it, and to be insulted in this way would be kind of a dealbreaker for me. Not to mention a harbinger of controlling behavior yet to come.
Sometimes, "head over heels" relationships turn out to have very large flaws when examined in the light of day. Unfortunately.
Good luck with everything.
I know you must love him but...I personally would be very insulted by his behavior. I can empathize with alcoholics who aren't comfortable with their SO drinking at all; if it interferes with their ability to stay sober then they have some tough decisions to make, and it is their right. But ABUSING and INSULTING their SO for working near satan alcohol? Sounds very controlling to me. I'm one of those drinkers who can take it or leave it, enjoy it occasionally but certainly don't need it, and to be insulted in this way would be kind of a dealbreaker for me. Not to mention a harbinger of controlling behavior yet to come.
Sometimes, "head over heels" relationships turn out to have very large flaws when examined in the light of day. Unfortunately.
Good luck with everything.
Dating a recovering
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Paso Robles, Ca.
Posts: 12
GiveLove,
Thank you for the advice. I was in the industry when we met and when we met I was drinking a glass of wine, so he knew these things...and I use that as a defense but his comback is that he didn't know it meant that much to me (my job & wine).
I have gotten similar advice from friends & family but they are all people who drink on occasion. I felt like seeking advice from people who understand our situation made more sense. I'll continue praying about it and we'll see. Thanks again.
Thank you for the advice. I was in the industry when we met and when we met I was drinking a glass of wine, so he knew these things...and I use that as a defense but his comback is that he didn't know it meant that much to me (my job & wine).
I have gotten similar advice from friends & family but they are all people who drink on occasion. I felt like seeking advice from people who understand our situation made more sense. I'll continue praying about it and we'll see. Thanks again.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
As a recovering alcoholic myself, I don't begrudge anyone else their right to drink.
The fact that not only does he not want you drinking but accuses you of being a 'legal drug dealer' speaks volumes about his questionable program of recovery.
The fact that not only does he not want you drinking but accuses you of being a 'legal drug dealer' speaks volumes about his questionable program of recovery.
Dating a recovering
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Paso Robles, Ca.
Posts: 12
He goes to some class once a week that is court assigned, I believe an anger management but he doesn't talk about it and he goes to meetings a couple times a week. His one year of sobriety is Tuesday and I'm so proud of him and just really want to be there for him and help, but I can't. It seems that even though I've made changes for him...such as letting him know ahead of time when I plan on drinking, keep that to a max of once per week and 2 drinks max....I just feel like I have to be careful all the time not to mess up or he'll tell me in so many words "that's not good enough."
He broke it off with me last night because he could smell wine on my breath...after he knew I was going to have a glass. Then he called earlier & wanted to know how we could fix this....I honestly don't know how.
Anyway, I know that as of now I don't have a problem turning alcohol down or keeping it very minimal, but I do have a problem with his need for control, over more than just his sobriety.
Sorry, long winded.
He broke it off with me last night because he could smell wine on my breath...after he knew I was going to have a glass. Then he called earlier & wanted to know how we could fix this....I honestly don't know how.
Anyway, I know that as of now I don't have a problem turning alcohol down or keeping it very minimal, but I do have a problem with his need for control, over more than just his sobriety.
Sorry, long winded.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I would think about that maybe the alcohol isn't the problem. It can be a convenient excuse. In this case, it looks like from both sides. By that I mean, he gets a waiver because he's in recovery (though anger management is not a program of recovery for alcoholism) and he gets to use it as something to hang over your head, for control.
What are you getting out of the relationship?
What are you getting out of the relationship?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
Originally Posted by Wonderwall 
He goes to some class once a week that is court assigned, I believe an anger management but he doesn't talk about it
Dating a recovering
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Paso Robles, Ca.
Posts: 12
I know why he's going to the class. He is a very open and honest person and as soon as he knew he was in love with me and that we may have a future together he told me the whole story. He thought I'd run for the hills but I saw something more in him....I knew that his sobriety had changed him and helped him to control whatever anger he has. I've just never asked what kind of class it is.
I still don't know what to say to him when he calls back in a few minutes to ask how we can fix this.
A part of me wants to say "let's give it another chance." The other part of me feels sort of hopeless...maybe he's just not ready for a serious relationship in general.
I still don't know what to say to him when he calls back in a few minutes to ask how we can fix this.
A part of me wants to say "let's give it another chance." The other part of me feels sort of hopeless...maybe he's just not ready for a serious relationship in general.
Dating a recovering
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Paso Robles, Ca.
Posts: 12
Denny,
That is an excellent question, and one I have not really explored yet...probably why it made me cry just now.
If I told him I wasn't getting much from the relationship he'd probably ask me what I needed...at that point I wouldn't know what to say.
I did just recently ask him to be a bit more loving with me...not mushy just instigate the kiss every now & then. He's not a very touchy feely person and we both know that's because he was not loved on as a child. He can count how many hugs his mother & father have given him. It's sad, but I need to re-assure myself that it's not for me to fix.
That is an excellent question, and one I have not really explored yet...probably why it made me cry just now.
If I told him I wasn't getting much from the relationship he'd probably ask me what I needed...at that point I wouldn't know what to say.
I did just recently ask him to be a bit more loving with me...not mushy just instigate the kiss every now & then. He's not a very touchy feely person and we both know that's because he was not loved on as a child. He can count how many hugs his mother & father have given him. It's sad, but I need to re-assure myself that it's not for me to fix.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by Wonderwall
He thought I'd run for the hills but I saw something more in him....I knew that his sobriety had changed him and helped him to control whatever anger he has.
From your descriptions I see a lot of emotional manipulation going on. Therapy helped me enormously.
BTW, if you don't know how to respond, saying "I need to think about it" is completely acceptable! ((( )))
Dating a recovering
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Paso Robles, Ca.
Posts: 12
I could say I need to think about it....I just feel like my heads going to explode from thinking about it every day for the past few months.
He's been seeing a shrink every now and then. I can't afford one or I'd consider it.
The only reason I know it's changed him is because I'm really good friends with his best friend's wife. So through stories I guess. Also I met him originally a year & a half ago (6 months before his sobriety began) and I wanted nothing to do with him....then when I met him 7 months ago I felt completely different about him, for analogy sake it was like a demon had been cast out...you know?
He's been seeing a shrink every now and then. I can't afford one or I'd consider it.
The only reason I know it's changed him is because I'm really good friends with his best friend's wife. So through stories I guess. Also I met him originally a year & a half ago (6 months before his sobriety began) and I wanted nothing to do with him....then when I met him 7 months ago I felt completely different about him, for analogy sake it was like a demon had been cast out...you know?
Freed from the anguish
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by Wonderwall
...but I do have a problem with his need for control, over more than just his sobriety.
What I'm realizing now is that it was only MY BOUNDARIES that I was "controlling". I finally started putting my foot down and stopping him from emotionally hurting me, and he no longer had all the control over me through guilt trips (for guilt that wasn't even mine to own). He was a master manipulator, but I never saw it until recently. Do some reading and research on emotional abuse. You will start to realize a lot about both of you.
Originally Posted by Wonderwall
He says that all I am is a legal drug dealer.
Hope this helps some. (((Wonderwall))) Much love. Keep posting. Keep learning about YOU and what YOU need in YOUR life. We're all rooting for you!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm sorry, wonderwall but.......when I hear you say that he wants to know "what can we do to fix this" what it seems like he's really saying is "what can YOU change about yourself & your needs so that I no longer feel threatened?"
There are a lot of red flags here -- LOTS -- alcoholism and its forever threat of relapse, court-ordered anger management (for what crime?), controlling, no affection, unfounded accusations, name-calling, not getting your needs met, childhood trauma surfacing in his behavior -- and you might consider taking a break from this situation to give you some time to sort out what you really want from a relationship.
It would not be the end of the world, though it may seem like it at the moment. Taking a few weeks out of the decades you have left on this planet to help figure out your life? I can only tell you that I did, and I'm so grateful I did......though it panicked me at the time!!
Denny's right -- 'I have to think about it' is a perfectly valid response.
Hugs
There are a lot of red flags here -- LOTS -- alcoholism and its forever threat of relapse, court-ordered anger management (for what crime?), controlling, no affection, unfounded accusations, name-calling, not getting your needs met, childhood trauma surfacing in his behavior -- and you might consider taking a break from this situation to give you some time to sort out what you really want from a relationship.
It would not be the end of the world, though it may seem like it at the moment. Taking a few weeks out of the decades you have left on this planet to help figure out your life? I can only tell you that I did, and I'm so grateful I did......though it panicked me at the time!!
Denny's right -- 'I have to think about it' is a perfectly valid response.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Love shouldn't be a struggle.
I'm not saying rough patches shouldn't happen, they do in every relationship. What I'm saying is that if one person has to change who they are in order to make the relationship work, maybe it's not worth it.
L
I'm not saying rough patches shouldn't happen, they do in every relationship. What I'm saying is that if one person has to change who they are in order to make the relationship work, maybe it's not worth it.
L
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Middle of the U.S.
Posts: 85
I work part-time in the 'industry' as well (professional musician) and love it. Whomever I date would have to accept it, as it's part of who I am.
Personally, the thought of dating even an A in recovery terrifies me to the bone. A heavy crush I had recently was squelched completely by the red flags he waved when I finally got to converse at depth with him. Hell wasn't a nice place to visit OR live, thankyouverymuch.
One thing I have observed about those with addiction issues is they seem to fall VERY fast and it's easy to get caught up in their enthusiasm. A new relationship has lots of chemical elements as well that are addicting enough to displace drug and alcohol abuse for awhile. They can even make the non-addicted temporarily stupid, speaking for myself anyway.
That being said, I do have close friends who are in recovery and have been for years. Alcoholism is a burden I feel lucky not to bear personally and my hat's off to anyone who has the strength to escape it's clutches. I just can't go there romantically.
Personally, the thought of dating even an A in recovery terrifies me to the bone. A heavy crush I had recently was squelched completely by the red flags he waved when I finally got to converse at depth with him. Hell wasn't a nice place to visit OR live, thankyouverymuch.
One thing I have observed about those with addiction issues is they seem to fall VERY fast and it's easy to get caught up in their enthusiasm. A new relationship has lots of chemical elements as well that are addicting enough to displace drug and alcohol abuse for awhile. They can even make the non-addicted temporarily stupid, speaking for myself anyway.
That being said, I do have close friends who are in recovery and have been for years. Alcoholism is a burden I feel lucky not to bear personally and my hat's off to anyone who has the strength to escape it's clutches. I just can't go there romantically.
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