The Addicts are Swarming around me

Old 12-14-2008, 07:35 AM
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The Addicts are Swarming around me

I'm sorry this is so long.
So there is a chance that the judge will let my 16 yo AS come home for Christmas (that part is good) but he will have to wait for a month until he will be readmitted to the rehab that he ran away from. If he screws up in that month he'll be gone. My son is convinced that if he gets out he can go stay at his dad's house and is furious at me for saying otherwise. He just wants to go there because he gets freedom. His dad has recently been released from jail himself for dui and lives with his girlfriend and her two kids (one of which is 15 and has a child herself). His dad called me drunk a few nights ago rambiling nonsense about getting him out and "fixing his problems myself." First we all know that you cant fix them, second how can an active addict even remotely help him.

Here's the facts that the court doesnt know all of yet:

1. Dad has a felony and has served prison time as well as multiple jail sentences for probation violation;
2. 3 DUIs in 5 years (but i think its 7 total)
3. Domestic violence record (one with me and one with another woman - i'm sure that in time the two would get violent with each other)
4. No job
5. No driver's license
6. Active alcoholic
7. He also has a record in florida that i dont know much about.
8. Buys him cigarettes - has in the past let him drink
9. Lets him hang out with kids and adults with records against probation.
10. Allows him to do things when he is on house arrest that he's not allowed to do. Tells me that no one will tell him what to do.
11. Says if kids uses he wont get him medical attention - he'll just take care of himself so that he doesnt get him in trouble with the law (this is insane because my kid needs medical attention - especially if drunk because of diabetes.)
12. Besides all of this the man abandoned this kid for 10 years, has never paid child support, has no parental rights not even visitation, and has no respect for my views or rules when it comes to my son, and takes him along to his friend's houses that i know use and deal. He takes him to bars and adult parties.

The only voice of reason is the girlfriend of dad. She is very much like me but we have to sneak around to talk because neither son nor dad likes us talking. She agrees that Dad is not competent to clean up his act enough to have this kid around and is agreeing to try to help me convince him otherwise. She suggested, and i agree, that we need to sit down together but I know dad wont go for that because he doesnt like the two of us together. I trust her but I dont trust him and they both lie to us and about us to manipulate us. They're afraid if we're together that all their secrets will be out (which they are they just dont know)

I'm trying to detach but I cant allow this to happen. If i spill the beans on dad the judge may not let him see dad at all which will just make things worse - then again it will be my fault and i'll be controlling things. I'm not trying to take away all contact - just give limited contact with dad.

So do I tell them? I explained to his gf that they need to stop this becuase if the judge looks into him too closely she is going to restrict all contact and i just dont like being put in the situation of having to be the nark. Besides all that my daughter is devestated that her brother doesnt want to come home and see her. My son has never known his dad but dad is easier on him so he is willing to abanon his real family for this man he doesnt really know. that's the part that hurts.

The other thing is that even if my son is living with his dad he will expect me to be supporting him because dad is incapable.
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Old 12-14-2008, 08:28 AM
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I would do whats right for your son, and forget about everyone else,,no one else is thinking clearly on this and regardless, you will be held relaible for your son since he is a minor so i would protect yourself and your son, and for the rest let the chips fall where they may.. in a situation like this ..no one is going to be happy, your ex will be upset, so will your son,,but so what? do what you know is right for your son and for you...
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Old 12-14-2008, 09:37 AM
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Who is pushing for him to come home?

This is the same kid who bolted just last month, right?

Given his track record and highly honed manipulative skills, it sounds like a prescription for disaster, regardless of where he lands.

There are worse places than jail and rehab for the holidays.

I pray he does not find them.
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Old 12-14-2008, 09:40 AM
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(((Winnie)))

Wow, I agree..he definitely doesn't need to be with his dad.

I'm about to go to work, and will have to think about this, but the one thing I am thinking...with MY probation in GA, I was not allowed to be around anyone else on probation. So if his DAD is on probation and HE is on probation, that may be all the judge needs to know to keep him from letting him go to his dad's.

My first instinct is to tell the judge everything, and keep your son away from his dad. However, I realize it's not that easy and you will suffer consequences, so I'll do some more thinking, but the probation thing is just my first thought.

I also know that if his dad had any felonies in FL, you can pull it up on the computer...I found one of my ex's rap sheet on the computer...that's just an FYI if you need it.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 12-14-2008, 10:08 AM
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If what I am doing is completely honest, open and willing-if what I am doing is in the best interest of myself and my son, then I can't go wrong, regardless of how other people react.

I'm still flabbergasted they are willing to not only send him home over the holidays, but with a month wait for treatment.

But then having dealt with the legal system far too many times over several years, nothing should surprise me.
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Old 12-14-2008, 10:22 AM
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My son's new PO seems very green to me and my son was the one requesting it so he got to PO by telling him how he has been in jail for every holiday for the last year. But i know that his dad is putting it into his head. I was a bit floored by all of it because i also dont agree and I was really upset that his PO even told him there was a chance - why get this kids hopes up if they may be dashed. sending him home for a month - with nothing to do is a recipie for disaster and it just seems like he is getting set up for failure.

The best thing for him would be to just stay in jail till he can get into rehab but if they do send him home then i just cant understand why anyone would consider him going to live with this deadbeat. I suspect if they do send him home to either place that he'll be in trouble before the month is up. I just see too many signs right now of manipulation and unrealistic expectations and he still glamorizes his drug use and other illegal activities. He was going over all his injuries that are bothering him - he injured himself a few times when he ran and they are not healing well - just one more thing diabetics live with but he thinks its all cool. He has one injury on his back from almost three months ago that's not healed - this is a weekend he was at his dad's - he let him go out and while scaling some fences he cut his back up really bad. dad didnt take him to the doc even though he needed stickes and it ended up getting infected. it still hurts and he'll have a scar for life from it.

He does have some good ideas and thoughts right now which are a positive start but i can tell he is still really fragile and not completely ready to turn away from the life he was living. The fact that this he doesnt understand what affect living with an active addict can have on his recovery tells me that he cant make wise choices yet. So dangit i'm going to be forced to make it for him and i just hate that and hate that his dad puts me in this position.

The more I write the more I realize that I have no choice - I have to be upfront and stop this. They started it and i'm going to have to finish it and they can just be mad at me. i've been blamed for everything else who cares if i'm blamed for this as long as it keeps him out of danger. I hate tough love - i just want to enjoy my child.
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Old 12-14-2008, 10:57 AM
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Winnie, you do have a choice, and it sounds like you have made a choice on things you are seeing very clearly. I understand your feelings about tough love, I really do. All I wanted was to have a 'good' relationship with my daughter too without the emotional conflict. That was an unreal expectation given the circumstances.

I'm so proud of you, and I know how hard this is for you. :ghug :ghug
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Old 12-14-2008, 11:19 AM
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Winnie,
Because your son is under age, I would, as a responsible mom, call his probation officer and voice my concerns.

After that, it's out of your hands.

Hugs...
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Old 12-14-2008, 02:40 PM
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Originally Posted by mooselips View Post
Winnie,
Because your son is under age, I would, as a responsible mom, call his probation officer and voice my concerns.

After that, it's out of your hands.

Hugs...
I totally agree with Moose on this. Voice your concerns as a responsible parent. Also, if you are not comfortable with him coming home under these circumstances, voice that too. Winnie, you are the only person here who is capable of being responsible and personally, I wouldn't let him come home unless it was clear that he was under house arrest while he was there.

Hugs
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Old 12-15-2008, 07:23 AM
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Thank goodness for one voice of reason. My son's PO emailed the judge and his court counselor. Court counselor sent back a message saying no way he is living with his dad. So that is totally off the table. I did mention that if they are considering that my son can spend the night with his dad that they require a meeting to set up a schedule and inform Dad (and his gf) of the rules. That way PO can stop by and send survelliance and PO agreed even though now that the judge knows about dad i'm not sure she will agree to overnights - we'll see. PO also agreed to have him doing community service if they let him out. that way he can work off some of his fines and keep busy for the month. I found a local church that has a program for this - they also have addiction programs they can get him involved with. I'm still not completely sure this is the best idea but I think I've done what I can and now i'm just going to leave it up to the Judge's discretion. She is a wise woman and knows addiction better than I do so I'm just going to have to have trust in her judgment and put it in the hands of HP. My faith is restored in the system.
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Old 12-15-2008, 08:32 AM
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(((Winnie)))

I'm glad the system seems to be working in your favor. It's nice when they do their job, and take some of the heat off of you.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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